What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

I feel like this will never happen for me and I just feel so broken. Everyone around me is so so settled and next year I will have to face another 3 weddings alone again, I feel so alone.

blueandgreens
I'm so sorry that you feel like this:(
It's very hard when other people seem to easily fall into things
there will be numerous examples of people who felt as you do but did go on to find happiness and fulfillment

Oh OP, I know exactly how you feel. I'm in a very similar situation and it is so hard not to feel disheartened when everyone around you seems to be able to luck into finding someone and having a family. I've been single 9 months and in that time I have experienced ghosting, negging, breadcrumbing etc. I've also had people suggest to me that I go it alone and I found that very upsetting and a little offensive if I'm honest. I dont know what the answer is, dating seems to be a numbers game and you have to be very resilient to win in the end. I'm completely ground down by it so I can only imagine how you feel. I've decided to take a break until the end of the year and focus on getting into the best shape I can and having therapy, I'm hoping if I can be the best version of myself that I can I will attract a better calibre of man. Perhaps you should take a break as well and try again when you're feeling a bit brighter?

All I can say is that I didn’t get married until almost 40 so you’re not out of time. This pandemic hasn’t helped! Where do you live? Are you living near a big city with universities? That’s the type of place you should be living to meet people. You need a lot of choice rather than a market town or village

Thanks.

Este I just feel so broken. I am a strong person usually and it is usually easy to find a date but god I am so over it all. I hate it.

I have started to feel bitter towards people’s happiness which has never ever happened before. Everything I do is alone, choosing carpet, food shopping, when my hours were recently cut at work I had no special someone to come home and talk to about it. Yes I have friends and family but it isn’t the same. I know there are many shit relationships out there but hearing that doesn’t make me suddenly not want one.

I feel as if I am at the point where I need to learn to live with the idea that I may well never have that. And I don’t know how to. I am the odd one out all the time, everywhere. In our team calls at work I have found myself making things up about the weekend when everyone else is talking about kids and their husbands...I don’t know what to say and just pretend I am always seeing friends.

None of it seems fair and it feels like I have missed the boat and now I need to learn to see a different future, it is hard.

This is very tough. But I was nearly 30 when I met DH and I have a number of friends who met their partners in their mid- to late 30s and most who wanted to have DC went on to have them in their late 30s/early 40s.

overlooker I’m near a city. I meet lots of people.

Plenty of my friends and my ex lived in very small villages, both are settled with kids. It doesn’t seem fair. I know that sounds bratty but I’ve just had enough. I’ve spent years and years supporting friends with marriages kids engagements anniversaries. I’ve had none of that.

How old are you OP? I remember feeling like this when I was in my 20s, which looking back was so young.

And whilst I can't lie and say age isn't important to start a family (although my cousin has just had an IVF baby at 50!), there's nothing wrong with getting excited about an alternative future either.

Sorry - I meant it's very tough when you're feeling like that. You've not missed the boat - it's just taking a bit longer to arrive than you would have liked but I have a hunch the wait will have been seriously worth it when it does...

35 on Wednesday. Everyone around me is settled. I am so alone.

dery maybe but to be honest these days I can’t even remember what it is like to feel loved properly and fully. And to have the same shared goals. I can’t see it happening now and feel I need to accept that.

I felt like you at the age of 30. I lived in a crap house share, had a job that was okay and friends but not many close ones.

I broke up with a terrible boyfriend (or rather he dumped me for someone else). I had a breakdown and was incredibly unhappy.

As part of building myself up I stopped chasing other people so hard. I chose a few friendships that I felt gave me value. I still only have two or three friends. They are all I need. I’m not unfriendly and have loads of acquaintances. But I accept now that there are very few true friends out there.

And I took a break from online dating. For about six months. I just stopped looking and focused on one other thing that made me happy. In my case it was writing.

By the time o started dating again I was more confident with myself. I had a secure base and I knew what I didn’t want. So I was less likely to stand for bullshit or accept someone sub par who was just okay- by which I mean they send dick pics after the first date or think selling polo shirts on eBay counts as a hobby.

I met DH about six months in to that. By that point I’d stopped letting the dating rule my life. I had other stuff to do. So I only went on dates on a Sunday because I had hobbies (a writing group) and friends to fill the other days. That took the pressure off because a bad date didn’t ruin a Saturday evening and I didn’t feel the pressure to have a whole night with someone creepy/annoying/ lecherous.

I found the book ‘Dating without Drama’ really helpful.

Good luck with it all. I can’t promise that something brilliant is out there. It might look like people who are married with kids are happy but that isn’t always the case.

I think it’s so hard not to be bitter but you really can’t let this swallow you up. All you can do is put yourself out there as much as possible, join the dating sites, arrange drinks out with friends, take a new class...you won’t meet someone sat at home!
I know it’s shitty and corny but you literally never know what’s around the corner so don’t give up hope!

What do you do? Job? Did you go to university? If not, have a rethink and time to shake things up? For example, my sister never meets anyone because she’s in an admin office full of women!

I posted an almost identical thread on here when I was 35. Loads of lovely posters told me about meeting their DHs after that age and having DC (if they wanted them obviously).

Now 42 and still single. Fucking hate it and at my age now I need to accept never having children and that is incredibly hard. I hate birthdays and Christmas now because they just remind me of what I don't have and probably never will. I'm sorry I don't have any advice on how to come to terms with it because I haven't either.

I feel like everyone always says you have to be this perfect version of yourself and 100% happy before you can meet someone and it will work... it makes me feel shit. Everyone I know who is married had their fair share of issues when they met their significant other.

sonos I hate my birthday and Christmas. I don’t think I can bear another Christmas alone with family all coupled up. I can’t face it again and hope to try and work or travel this year.

Oh OP I wish I could give you a big hug. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are not alone. I can definitely relate to the bitterness you've described; you should give yourself credit that its taken you this long to start feeling this way, I felt that way from my early 20s! Try to remember that it's not a reflection on you; one of the most beautiful, slim successful people I know struggled for years to find someone she clicked with. So much of finding someone has to do with timing, circumstances, luck etc and is outside of your control so don't give yourself such a hard time. Very few people end up alone in the way you've described, you sound like a lovely person and there is no reason why you should resign yourself to a lifetime of singledom. You're just having a tough time, like we all do sometimes and lockdown will not be helping. Your feelings are valid, so take some time to feel them, then do something nice for yourself, then when you're ready: get back on the horse. Wishing you all the very best xx

Thanks. I am just so low and can’t see that I will ever feel properly settled and happy with someone ever. I am so lonely, despite lots of friends around me. Ultimately at the end of everyday I go home to be alone. I wake up alone. I deal with finances and housework and travel plans alone. Nothing is shared. It’s so shit.

I feel like when people say you need to be happy with yourself to meet someone it is like you are being criticised for being sad about not having someone in your life. My best friend said this to me... someone who walked into a new relationship 3 months after the end of her marriage. She wasn’t in a great state yet she met someone. Like many others. It feels so shit to be alone for so long.

Sorry for the moaning post

@blueandgreens I am not going to sugar coat it, it may not happen to you, but there are many ways to live a happy and fulfilled life, not just one. Rather than being so obsessed with marriage and family, something that is not completely in your control and depends on external factors, find some things that make you happy TODAY.

What do you do? Are you able to move or travel (post covid) for a bit?

And if you don't mind cross dressing, maybe you can date the guy in the other thread. On the plus side he has £100M in the bank :-)

This sounds so difficult. Personally I would ditch the weddings - unless it's like your best friend or something?

ana I have a decent job, I could take a few holidays. I don’t have the money to up sticks though.

I am happy generally, but a family is something I have always wanted and life feels so cruel at the moment. Watching others get on with their lives, people who didn’t even care that much about settling down. I wish I had settled much earlier because I didn’t, thinking I would find better suited person, and I haven’t. I may as well have settled.

Yes I might ditch weddings. I don’t think I can cope with anything much now. I am dreading Christmas.

I definitely think good energy attracts good energy but this whole thing of "stop looking for it and you'll find it" or expecting you not to be sad about not being with someone is a load of rubbish imo. The majority of people want to love and be loved, biologically it's what we're programmed to do. Societally, women are pressured to equate their value with having a partner and I don't believe anyone who says they haven't succumbed to that pressure/eay of thinking. I'm sure your best friend is lovely but I'd imagine her current relationship came about more by simple luck than some mystical aura she projected telling everyone how happy with herself she was. She should be more aware of that and sensitive to your feelings before doling out well meaning but ultimately pointless advice!

It's probably easier to meet people in a small town that want relationships. I left one at 20 but before the point had had a few short term relationships and a long term one. Since then, in the city (now 31) I've only had one proper bf. Even though I've gone through phases of dating plenty, nothing else progressed past dating. Or they wanted that fwb shit. Guys in cities are always looking for the bigger better I think.

Also, I really don't know where ppl meet ppl. I think unless it's in uni (or a work facility that facilitates talking every day and to lots of ppl) its hard to meet folks and stay in contact.

Where as in a small community, you would see the same folks every day, over time, so things could form organically. And there would be connections eg: through family or a local church or just knowing someone who knows someone...

But I like city living so I'm staying lol. I dont want kids though so no rush to find a guy. Otherwise I might reconsider.