What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

I think ditching the weddings is a good plan. You need to look after your own feelings and put them first. Not do things that are just going to be really painful for you.

Don't let it feel shit when people say you meet love when you're in the best place with yourself.

It's not true. I met DP when I drank too much, was suffering with an ED and didn't like myself at all.

It's luck - pure and simple. Luck to meet the right person at the right time and both be in a mental space where it works out.

It does not reflect on you as a person.

Thanks coriandor

That’s been one of the most upsetting things, reading things where people say oh well you need to get yourself into a good place and get hobbies and be happy with yourself. I find it so fucking insulting. Most of my married friends don’t even have a hobby and were in questionable places in their lives when they met their husbands. It makes me feel even more shit like there’s something wrong with me for not being perfectly happy with being single. I’m not, I want a relationship... just like the ones all you married lot are in!

I feel really sad for you op. I have had times in my life where I’ve been truly alone - truly and utterly alone- and it’s shit. Really shit and there’s no sugar coating it.

I met dh when I was 32. Online dating, plenty of fish. I blocked and deleted everyone I didn’t get a good reply / vibe from. I was pretty ruthless. I had all kinds of weirdos reply, including one who thought I’d be great for his 80 year old dad, I shit you not, and another who just messaged about vegemite. Seriously. I mean wtf.

Anyway, dh seemed normal. So I met him for a coffee in the day and I planned to escape if it was awful but actually we hit it off really well and stayed hours and 12 years later here we are.

So you mustn’t give up. No matter how shit it is. There will be someone for you. My mum started dating again in her 60s...! Online again and plenty of frogs (!) but she had some fun with it.

It’s okay to not be entirely happy with yourself. I hate all that crap too. I mean who is?! But you just need to be kind to yourself. Start by blocking those exes. Why torture yourself?

35 isn’t young but it’s not old either. You have a lot of life to give. And I do think a lot of people settle. You might find in a new wind of divorcees around your age soon once things calm down after Covid, lots of people get divorced in their 30s as they realise they’ve settled and aren’t happy.

This is just so unfair for you (and others) and I actually have no idea what to suggest but I like the sound of @BelleSausage's advice. I am another who left a LTR at 36 and got married at 39 and have had children, proving that it can and does happen. However, the thought that it happened for others was not a huge comfort to me when there was no sign of a husband or family at 36/37. I disagree that you have to be happy in yourself, you just need to BE yourself, you sound like a perfectly lovely normal person who just hasn't been lucky yet to find the one (and you're not looking for 10 husbands, just one!) I honestly hope that before your next birthday things will change for you and you will meet someone and all this will be behind you. Nobody likes people to feel sorry for them but I would think of asking all your friends/colleagues if they know anyone if you haven't already done that. Apologies for not to being more help but I can absolutely relate to your post and I am a very sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. Hope you get some other ideas xx

Thanks bagel

I’m literally sitting here in tears writing this and your post is comforting to read. I know you have to just carry on, I just feel so so so low after finding out about ex’s, my last relationship ended brutally when I found out he had been messaging escorts...a professional decent seeming man too from the outside. I don’t want all this shit anymore, I can’t take it. I just want a quiet life with someone nice.

I know this is a bit cringe but when I was in your position I loved the film “He’s not that into you”. I really loved Gigi, she reminded me so much of myself, especially when she confronts the man who is messing her about and says yes she may get hurt and basically be a bit of an idiot but she’s being herself and wants to find someone who loves her for her, so she’s prepared to put herself on the line and be her “real” self to find the right person. I think I took that and ran with it. There’s no point in anyone trying to be someone they’re not. You can’t keep it up forever. When I was feeling really sad and shit I used to watch that film and eat ice cream and then try again...!

It’s random. The whole be your self thing matters but people who settle quickly just got optimistic or needy and went for it. Date and date and date. Whilst you do that think really carefully about the children bit. If you want them don’t wait for a partner - go ahead because the relationship with them is bigger than a partnership. Think carefully about that bit x

mcmoonerry thank you for your kind post. I feel so sad tonight and not coping, it means a lot.

for you OP.

I know exactly, exactly how you feel. I got divorced in my early 30s and thought that was it, for 4 years I dated a series of absolute wastes of space, all the time feeling like an egg-timer running out. I lied to people that I was happy single then came home and cried myself to sleep with loneliness. I could have written your post.

I don't want to be another 'it'll happen for you' because I hated, hated people telling me that, so I'm just here with a handhold and assurance that you're not by any means the only person to feel this way x

howfast thank you. I do exactly that all the time.... I laugh and joke and I’m bubbly and the moment I come home I am reminded of this utter silence and loneliness when others go back to busy households. I cry most days about it, even if some days just for a few minutes. It is so hard. And when people tell you to get out there... I do. I do it all, travel, date, I’m outgoing. I often wish I had settled earlier.

OP I know it doesn’t feel like it now but I promise you, if you can stand to keep dating and taking part in clubs and activities that you enjoy, you will meet someone special and it will all happen for you. You might need a break though, don’t push yourself to do anything you don’t feel like.
I was 37 when I got married and in my early 40s when I had my baby. You’re so young!

Blueandgreens: you’ve had some good words for you already and some words that upset you. What would you say to a good friend in your position? Would you tell her to go ahead and be miserable if her birthday or would you try and say something at an attempt to comfort like ‘you’ll meet someone when you stop looking’. Yes it’s trite but we all want to say something comforting to you! Treat yourself like you would a friend. Be kind! And dating is a bitch - I don’t know anybody who has ‘ended up alone’ exactly (well, widowed people sadly but not in the way you’re worried about) so I guess people find somebody eventually. I things the odds are in your favour! It’s a total bitch about biological clocks though - its one of the cruelest things nature did to women.

I'd choose having a child & going it alone over desperately trying to meet 'Mr Right'.

I know you said you didn't want to parent alone and want the whole package but there's no guarantee the whole package is coming along. And also nothing to say you wouldn't meet a wonderful partner even once you have a child solo. If you want to be a mother don't let it pass you by. It's a different kind of love but it's the deepest. Sorry to be cheese.

Would you consider a man who was a bit older, say 40s?

I would consider a man early 40s yes. I just want to settle down and love and be loved. It doesn’t seem a real thing to happen for me though. Literally all my school friends are settled and everyone at work is involved with someone even if not yet married. There’s always an engagement announcement etc. I get many dates but it never feels right even when I give it time.

Don't ditch the weddings, you might meet someone there! I really feel for you OP you sound like a lovely person. There's no easy answer I suppose but I think you have to keep getting out there and meeting people, it's a numbers game. Good luck, I wish you well.

What is it that doesn't feel right? Do they fee the same back?

What is it that doesn't feel right? Do they fee the same back?

You friends are married or getting married.
Maybe they settled just to have a husband and kids?
Maybe their DH have issues you don't know about?

I wouldn't assume they're all happy.

If you want a husband and family, date someone you wouldn't ordinarily date. Maybe on the short side or a bit less attractive. As long as they're decent, no addictions, clean, kind, respectful, good job.

Look at how arranged marriages are. Many of them seem to work.

Marriage is highly overrated and women have to give up a lot to make them work. It's a societal expectation though.

You sound like you have lots of friends, could you ask them to set you up on a few dates? If they know anyone suitable it’s better through a friend as they’re less likely to be married or a druggie or whatever. My sister and a close friend both met their partners through another friend who set them up. They were both late 30s at the time and had given up. Both went on to have children late 30s early 40s.

OP you sound so lovely that there’s no way it’s not going to happen for you. You feel like you’re old but believe me, you’re not - you’re in your prime meeting and settling down years, that’s why the weddings and engagements are coming thick and fast! Good that you’re happy to consider blokes into their late 30s/early 40s. Are you actively doing any online dating at the moment or has it got too much?

Apart from being a year older than you I could have written this post. I see all my friends in happy relationships and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? I try and put myself out there and I date but I never meet the right one and it's pretty demoralising. I don't think I'm asking for much, I just want someone to come home to, wake up with and share a life with but it seems impossible. I was dating someone for a few months this year but he wasn't right so I ended it and the thought of having to start again, again(!) is not an attractive one right now. I'm tired of it! I think unless you have been in this position it's hard to know just how soul destroying and relentless it is.
No useful advice sadly but you're not alone in how you feel.

I know how hard it is. I was there myself for a long time. I went to some weddings where I stayed to the ceremony and reception but pretended I had a family birthday party to attend in the evening so I could duck out before or early on in the night do.
I would say what helped me when I was single was to focus on the little positives. Complete control of the remote, stretching out in the bed, filling the shopping trolley with foods i like, entirely free to spend my time as I please. Sometimes I miss these things now!!
I married at 40. I'm now 43 and it doesn't look like we'll have kids but that's pretty much by choice.
It will happen for you I'm sure.

This certainly may seem mad to you - but have you considered moving to a location or job where there are a lot of men? i.e. - places of ''men's work''? These generally are places like mining locations ( such as in out back mining areas of Australia ), oil companies and oil and gas drilling areas; large bases for military; possibly important sport's locations such as golf clubs, ski resorts. Working at membership clubs mostly for men. Anyway don't rush into anything - men are not always that terrific!