What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

• a part of me is incomplete

35 seems quite young to me you’re making yourself out to be ancient.

I hope you are feeling ok today @blueandgreens. I’ve been binging on clips from a dating guru called Matthew Hussey over the last few days and I wondered if it might be useful for you. I know you are bored of dating (I hear ya) but he’s got some interesting opinions and advice that I think will change how I date so it won’t be more of the same. He’s on Instagram and tiktok.

I think it's going to be better for you m, meeting someone in your 30s A lot of people who meet early are like different people as they get more mature.

How do you find online dating? I haven't done it, but maybe arrange one date a week / every couple of weeks (don't entertain people who take ages to meet up and just want to text - my friend experienced that and it sounds so annoying). I don't believe for a minute that you will be alone forever and won't get the chance to have those things you want.

I can't offer any advice, just wanted to say that I understand the feelings.

I'm a guy the same age as op. I've had one major relationship in my life that ended a number of years ago. I don't have a problem "meeting" people in real life or making new friends, but finding someone to have a relationship with has proven absolutely beyond me.

I've tried the idea of just getting on with life with the hope that the right person will come along, but they haven't. I've tried dating apps and get very, very few matches to the point that it's just depressing swiping through hundreds of women knowing that they won't find me attractive. I did manage to get one nice conversation going with a nice lady, we even had a phone call, but after that it's all gone quiet.

I agree with the comment that I hate it when people say you have to be happy on your own first. I've known plenty of people with hang ups who find relationships and their partners have to spend a lot of time reassuring them. I always hear all the workplace gossip "he likes her", "she likes him". I never get any of that. Every time I resign myself to the idea that it's just not going to happen for me, I resolve to put some more effort in, but results remain the same.

It sucks when all you want is someone's hand to hold, someone to talk about your day with, someone to plan holidays / activities with, someone who is on your side.

Hi there, I hear you @blueandgreens and I have been there. I had a succession of dysfunctional relationships in my 20s and 30s and had no clue where I was going wrong. I kept dating unavailable men and commitment-phobes. I kept hurting others and getting hurt. I know it's frustrating when others say it'll happen for you. I had some times when I was happy alone but I also experienced depression and loneliness. I wanted a companion, someone to share my life with. I hope I can give you hope. Everything did change for me. I understood where I was going wrong and I changed my relationship patterns. It was a journey - I personally had to do lots of inner work, explore my childhood relationships and my core beliefs - but I got there. I married last year. I believe that you have time to have all the things you want in your life. Well done for speaking up, sharing your truth and feeling your pain. That's a key step on the healing journey.

So sorry OP. I was back living with my parents at 35 & genuinely believed I would never meet “ The One”. I went on Dateline, E Mailed my now DH, met him & we got married just over a year later. Sadly we weren’t able to have kids of our own but adopted DD & couldn’t love her any more than we do.