What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

35 is still young
Could you widen your circle or could you work as a volunteer with children in your spare time? I know it's not what you want but it may fill the void and is that from not having what you want- a family.
Are you dating on a regular basis?
Well start occasionally with a mix of your own nice stuff to do.
I am dating a person who thinks I am a therapist.. hoping I can let it slide it's draining when my private time is to be light and laughing not talking about past.
Pick and choose not settle

Happy birthday. Please try to have the best day you can. Thinking of you,and all of us who are in this situation x

@Sharkerr your dad sounds amazing!

Thanks everyone for your lovely kind messages x

@Redyellowpink

He is!

I was sat at his table as a snotty sobbing wreck, 28 and convinced I’d lost my chance to have a family as my ex dumped me and I’d wanted kids and couldn’t see how I’d meet anyone else in time lol (tbf I do have fertility issues so reason to believe my clock was ticking a bit harder than most). I remember saying ‘how do you even get over something like thisssss’

And my dad, on his third marriage, was like ‘well you just do? You get the practicalities sorted, somewhere new to live, and enjoy your life. You are in such an amazing position’

I’m missing a mum (died young) and he does his best bless him to be both parents rolled into one :)

I thinknome point about going it alone that i would consider is that i am single and in my late 40s.

But i am divorced and have 3 children.

Yes, evweyone doesn't get the whole package but think about what ypu would really regret in 15 years time if you were still single and alone. It happens, to a fucking huge amount of people and you really need to unravel wanting the perfect happy marriage (god, i would love that) and having children.

Having children and a job means i really only need a man for entertainment and it makes me hapoy and independent

@Sharkerr what a star! Sorry you lost your mum young Hope you took his wise advice

I get many dates but it never feels right even when I give it time.

Wow! you are getting something right. Getting dates is half the battle IMHO. Why don't you give yourself a break and just be a social butterfly for a bit without putting pressure on yourself to find 'the one'.

When you just go with the flow anything might happen. Just treat it as a bit of fun. Nothing wrong with seeing more than one person at a time (not advocating promiscuity, just fun dates).

Don't concentrate too much on one person, keep your options open.

Not coping well today. Everything feels overwhelming. Lockdown is making things feel worse. I feel so alone even when I’ve spoken to friends. So aware of it just being me and my life feels so pointless.

Sorry to hear that op. It will be a journey of ups & downs. Have you seen this thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3969492-Tips-of-getting-over-a-broken-heart - and the book recommended within?

Please OP, this is how I felt. So alone, so pointless and bottom of the pile. Counselling did really help me change my perspective and my happiness. I believe it can for you as well.

Look up Agnes Vivarelli on YouTube. She does alot of great videos about positive thinking and manifestation and visualisation.

Try it. Youve got nothing to lose and it really works!

OP you really could be me...my birthday is in a month,much older than you but I am dreading it. I too feel lonely talking to friends, its like there's just a constant ache there that nothing can fill. I honestly have spent enough time having counselling, taking anti depressants, taking courses,reading self help books,joining groups,being the one to get in touch with friends for company etc etc. It doesnt compensate. I hate being this way. I feel incomplete and want to love and be loved back. I have no answers. Except for just ordering the Paul Mkenna book " how to mend a broken heart". At least it will give me something to read...

I’ve tried all these things. Visualisation, positive thinking, not thinking about it, focusing on it, making effort, making less effort, starting new hobbies, meeting people more as friends, socialising, dating.

I honestly do feel like this path was just not meant for me. I get dates but I’m so bored of dating now. I’m the only person who hasn’t settled down in my group of friends and wider circle at work and hobbies. I don’t know how to live the rest of life in this way, it’s painfully lonely everyday even when I’m around others. I would genuinely rather not be here than have another 3 decades like this

@blueandgreens Can you try and get a family member or friend to come stay with you for a few days? I'm a little concerned by the tone of your last message and don't think you should be alone right now :/

Someone I spoke to last week has asked me to meet for a drink tonight. He’s divorced and has a child so I’m not sure about him, wouldn’t normally date someone in that situation. I’m thinking of going though even to just get out of the house.

There are some very lovely divorced dads out there! I found dating men who were late 30s and happy to be alone were a certain type who didn't want a relationship.

Do you think chemical? I’m worried it might all be too complicated. His child lives four hours away and sees them twice a month. Ex lives in house he owns for instance, paying rent. they divorced 5 years ago.

I feel a bit fragile and not sure it’s a good idea to go. Don’t know what to do

I think that kind of relationship is difficult to navigate and would give him a wide berth

It does complicate matters a little but you will get a feel for the situation. If they get on OK, kids are happy and they've been apart for some time then I wouldn't dismiss a person because of that.

I would agree though if you are feeling fragile then might be best to see yourself through how you are feeling right now before going dating.

My best relationship is the one I'm in now, he's divorced, 2 kids, and is mature enough to navigate relationship stuff. It all of course, depends on the individual but I wouldn't dismiss someone for having kids and being married in their 30s.

Oh I’m just not sure what to do now. He seems really nice and we have a lot in common when chatting on the phone but the last thing I want is complication.

Be careful when you are feeling so low and vulnerable with dating. On the one hand you could assume that you have nothing to lose. But I dated a man who's 4 kids lived 100's of miles away. All his money went on travelling and accommodation to see them ( of course he should have been doing that as a good father) or saving up for them to come to him. Trouble was ,as a couple it left nothing for us unless I paid. There were other issues too but this was a complication.

@blueandgreens you won't know unless you take a chance and meet him. Hope you're feeling happier and in a more positive place soon.

I relate to another poster about having an ache and the void I feel is not having a lovely partner and yes I keep myself busy but it's not the same. I feel like a particular of me is incomplete....some people just don't get it and it's not about me needing therapy.