What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

@blueandgreens

I’m not dismissing therapy and I do get that it could help. I just feel so sad and I really have tried my best in the past and just feel frustrated that it hasn’t happened.

I really want to find a life that doesn’t include these dreams because I can’t cope with the feeling of panic that it isn’t happening. I want to just move on from it and I don’t know how. That’s the worst part.

There’s no easy way to move on - it’s practice. A habit. When I find myself panging or thinking about what I’m missing, I think about what I do have. Trite, but it works.

You mention being triggered by your ex having a baby despite texting you on and off before then. Doesn’t sound like he has found love, more fallen into a situation that likely may not last.

Even if you find ‘the one’ there’s no guarantee it will be plain sailing forever and you (or me or anyone) could end up in the same situation 10/20/30 years down the line.

It’s so hard, I really do know that.

Finding ways of being happy as a single person doesn’t mean you have given up or you become invisible. It makes life more enjoyable for you.
Whether or not you find romantic love, you deserve to be happy.

OP, it's shit but you have to keep plugging on. I met DP online at 38, having endured all the online dating horrors.

Slightly different circumstances as I already had kids (DH died) but still, I thought you might want hopeful anecdotes

When you look back at relationships its easy to see the good bits really .You obviously had your reasons for splitting with your partner ,and I think you were brave to do that .Many people "settle" And this is not really good in the long run. Often it seems as though everyone else has a fulfilling marriage ,but you only have to spend some time on this site to realise this is not always the case! As a PP said upthread maybe a little dog if you able to arrange care for him while at work?Apart from some lovely bundle of fun/affection/exercise many dog people are friendly and down to earth (I am one!) You will be able to go for walks and meet people to chat to .Or try to become a volunteer dogwalker? Some people dont marry and they have a good life .If lots of your friends are settling down it will feel worse for you,however at 35 you have a long time to meet /marry someone so try not to worry (not easy I know)! and take each day as it comes!

Thanks for all the posts, I am reading them all closely. I definitely think the ex who wanted a future with me now having this new life has shaken me a bit.

I just feel so lonely and so sad all the time. The last relationship ended so abruptly - we were only together six months but he said all the nicest things, I thought I had met the right one, then out of nowhere i find out he’s messaged escorts. It was so shocking because honestly I had absolutely no idea he would do something like that. I still can’t get my head around the man I thought was so sincere and lovely and kind...I can’t trust anyone.

If it is any help OP, a friend of mine went on 21 first dates before she found the right man through a dating site. She is now 41 and happily settled and starting a family.

I’ve been on about 15 dates in the last year (including meeting that escort man) so I guess I went on 15 dates over six months. I just want it to be over.

Hi op 😊 I get where you coming from. And I get why you would feel like you do. But a tip : always compare down, not up. Save yourself a heap of misery that way.

Also... if you do continue comparing up : plenty of people in relationships, with the house and the kids and all that... But they live and love in misery. Not all marriages and 'happy'
families are always happy. Plus plenty of people settle for just anyone. Not the right one. But just the one that is right there.

Count different blessings in the meanwhile and try looking for love in different ways. Join a club. An online club I guess right now. Online pub quizzes in groups. WhatsApp escape groups. Anything. It might be out there. Sooner then you think. Or different then you'd think.

Take care op

I have a dog, bought when I was part of a family, so there were 4 potential dog looker-afters and walkers, and everyone was into dogs. I can't say I would have chosen to have a dog while attempting to meet new people. "Oh, you have a dog hair allergy? Oh well!" "You have a cat? Oh well!" "Sorry, got to get back to the dog!" "I'm coming but I'm going to have to bring the dog with me" "Hopefully we can go on that break together if I find someone to look after the dog!" "Sorry that the dog barked loudly in the other room the whole time we were having sex!" "My dress is what? Oh, matted with dog hairs?" "Yes, the sunset is gorgeous. Let me just find a bin for this poo bag."

It's horrible OP. I know the absolute desolate feelings of being alone. I'm a lot older than you and find myself in this position. I've only a few friends and no family and the hours stretching out before me and the phone staying silent is almost more than I can bear. Like you,I have a good job,car,house,hobbies etc but nobody to share it with and I'd trade the lot for that one person to come along. Please keep posting if it helps. There are a lot of us like you.

I was single at 35 after years of DISASTROUS relationships and singleness. Therapy was the only thing, but it worked. Got together a few months after I started therapy, and we’re now trying for number 2 and I’m happy. Honestly, it changed my life - and it’s worth a shot.

Thanks native I think maybe it is hard for people to understand when you’ve not lived in. It is a horrible low level loneliness that builds with time... Its in the fear with possibility of redundancy with nobody to share it with you, it’s in running a home alone and having it all on your shoulders but also no incentive to properly invest in a home because ultimately it is just you there. It’s in the taxis to the garage because nobody can drop you off for the car mot. It’s paying more for a hotel when you travel alone. All these are silly things that you can laugh off but then the scarier things are illnesses and bereavements, all of which you have to deal with alone. Of course there are friends - some truly wonderful ones - but ultimately they go home to their number ones. Nobody can understand how this sort of loneliness seeps further into your life unless you have lived it for a long time.

*not lived it

😊 @ravenmum yeah there are definite downsides to dogs, they’re not for everyone, just a suggestion.

OP I really do feel for you, I hope you can ride out this particularly painful phase brought on by news of the exes, and move on. Please think about counselling for clarity/handholding at least, and about binning elements of your life that aren’t actively helping/supporting you. Could you get a lodger? That was another thing I did post-divorce, I’m on my third now and they’ve all been lovely. So good to have another warm body in the house.

It is hard for people to "get it" . When I broke up with my ex,he had lots of family,friends who supported him. I had nobody.
I feel there's always an element of " what am I doing this for " when I'm fixing the house etc,there is an emptiness about it ( literally).
And OP you mentioned bereavement, well when I lost my mum,there wasn't a single person I could call.The one friend I tried never answered. It really is soul destroying.

OP - the guy that was calling the escorts- thats someones long term partner now.... would u really want that? You found out- he fidnt tell u! That behaviour will surface again. Imagine this- u married someone had a child and then you caught them red handed messaging someone else and deleting all the messages..: theres no way back from there and then you are co parentinh with that same person.... honestly. I know its so hard but being with the wrong one is not the right way xxx

native it is hard because even when friends are there, they ultimately have their own families which they obviously prioritise. It’s that feeling of being nobody’s priority. And I get that relationships aren’t always great and that they are difficult are worse then being alone sometimes , but when you’ve spent years and years alone and just want someone to share life with, the little day to day loneliness gets worse. I know nobody can fix it but me but I’m so sick of having to pick myself up, why can’t something just work out for once. I also feel isolated because my friends are all in very different places to me...home renovations, children, anniversaries, family holidays. I am the odd one out and it’s a lonely place to be.

People have made some good suggestions but deep down I think I just want to get to a place of acceptance that this isn’t going to be my life. It’s hard to see a different future, that’s what is scary I think...I don’t know what the future holds now and have nothing I really want from it.

I hear you OP. I am now 39 and am with a man who has two children, he is quite a bit older than me and I don't think we will be having children.

I went through what you have, I was single for many years and watched my friends fall into relationships, have children etc, all the while I was dating and not really getting anywhere with it.

I did go and get counselling, to see if there was something I was subconsciously doing. I did it in the end for 3 years and I can honestly say that it has changed my perspective and left me in a better position to meet someone. I was feeling like I was drowning in the anxiety around meeting someone and I felt so utterly alone. It was awful and so please have a big hug from someone who knows how it feels. It feels so unfair and crushing at points.

I don't know if I will have children, I cry about it sometimes but I have been building relationships with my partners children and that has been wonderful.

The main thing for me was getting over these lost relationships, and being happy in myself. By happy I mean content. I went on dates but I also used my time to do things that I wanted to do, and invested time in getting to know new friends around where I live. That is how I met my partner and I am very happy with him. What also kept me going (and this sounds a bit mean) was realising how many people I knew were stuck in their long term relationships and were unhappy. At least I was free and not in that awful position.

You still have time. Also, you are not alone xxx

Op, I do feel for you. It's so hard to be lonely. PP who have commented that they sought therapy or thought about what they were looking for was not right or not what they needed really resonated with me.

I was single for along time (although younger than you) and I honestly just thought I couldn't be in a relationship. The men I was interested in were never interested in me. What I couldn't see, was that actually, over the years, there'd been all kinds of men who were interested in me but that I had barely even noticed because they weren't what I thought I wanted. I had one v good friend who used to point this out and honestly, I just didn't believe her.

Then I did some traveling alone and I realised that I really did not want to be alone any more. I was super independent and loved (still do) being alone, but actually, I realised I wanted something else. It was like a switch was flicked in my brain and I realised I had to put up fewer barriers. IN retrospect I realise that my mother constantly letting me down as a child meant that I was terrified of being vulnerable or relying on anyone else. Combined with not realising what I really needed, meant that I hadn't managed a single proper boyfriend and that I was going to have to change this.

When I met DH, I really wasn't convinced. But I'd worked out that he was dead keen (bless him). Instead of blowing him off, I went with it. It was weird, because he was 100% not the kind of man I would ever have thought I'd want or end up with. The friends who had introduced us (not purposefully - at a birthday party) were completely shocked.

But as it turns out, he was exactly what I needed. The men I'd wanted before were all high flying, professional types, working in the City - ie my colleagues. But they were also, at heart, often deeply misogynist and selfish and even the good ones weren't interested in me - they wanted pretty little things who would take the lead at home and let them do their thing the rest of the time. DH, on the other hand, is an artist. He loves that I'm independent, has absolutely no issue with my desire to be alone, is happy for me to be in control as needed but is in no way a doormat.

I think I did go for the wrong ones before which is why I wish I had worked with the one who has since got someone pregnant. We had a six month break and by the time I approached him again he had got someone pregnant and whilst he still wanted me and him in contact obviously there was no scope to go back there now he has a child. That feels a bit shit as maybe he was right for me and I didn’t know it at the time.

@blueandgreens

I think I did go for the wrong ones before which is why I wish I had worked with the one who has since got someone pregnant. We had a six month break and by the time I approached him again he had got someone pregnant and whilst he still wanted me and him in contact obviously there was no scope to go back there now he has a child. That feels a bit shit as maybe he was right for me and I didn’t know it at the time.

Okay, so your'e realised this about yourself. You've made the first step. Now it's about taking this knowledge and broadening your mind accordingly.

A v good male friend of mine got divorced recently. Can't say that any of us were shocked. They were wrong for each other from the start because they basically wanted different things but on the surface, they THOUGHT they wanted the same things.

So she wanted to be looked after and protected and was sort of "old fashioned" that way which he thought meant that she'd be happy with a relatively traditional lifestyle in due course.

He wanted someone with a successful career he could boast about to his friends (not that he's ever been able to acknowledge this) AND he needed her to be traditionally gorgeous and attractive who would then happily step into a somewhat traditional SAHP role down the line. He would have done his fair share, I have no doubt, but he would have seen himself as always being in charge.

The problem was that she didn't want to make decisions or have children or live that life. She was wishy washy but didn't want to cede control. She DID want to be looked after - but by changing jobs to one that was basically charity work with no social cachet. He in return was frustrated by her airy fairy airs even though ironically, that's what attracted him to her in the first place. And he turned into a bully (he admits this openly and has sought therapy himself).

His new partner appears to be far more in line with him. And importantly, he's also accepted that he had certain misconceptions that were just ridiculous and weren't going to happen. He can't have someone with a successful career and then be surprised when she doesn't want him to be the boss at home. if him and new DP have DC, I very much doubt that she'd be a SAHM and importantly, I think he would be a much more equal partner.

A friend at the weekend told me that I would likely always be in the house I am in now even if I met someone, because everyone with decent jobs is either snapped up or interested in younger women.

She seemed to say it in a way as if where I am now is where I will be settling...ie I may as well get used to it. But still it made me feel like there’s on jobless idiots available now.

Hi Blue, I didnt meet my wife til I was 31 and was beginning to think I'd never meet the right person. It does get harder to meet partners as you get older and modern dating is ever more complex.
Its difficult, nobody should sugar coat that it isn't. My advice is to work out in your own head what you will compromise on. For me that was to prioritise finding someone who was genuine.
Dont regret ending it with the guy who sees escorts either. He may get his head in the right place but he obviously wasnt when you were with him.

Fingers crossed for you and good luck

I understand your pain. Even though I’m in a relationship now I still have the same dread if I’m going to an event by myself with all couples as I’m the only unmarried childless one.

Met my partner at 32, getting married (coronavirus permitting!) this year at 37. He’s 46. Met online. Neither of us are perfect. We’re all defective in some way and agree that the idea of being happy to find someone is bull.

I hope you find something to give you some joy. You may have your weaknesses but I’m sure you’ll have strengths that you’re overlooking too

@blueandgreens your friend sounds like an insensitive ass.

As a previous poster shared, even when you think things are set for life, they can change.

Try not to worry so much about the future - you feel lonely now but thinking it’s going to always feel like this makes it 100 times worse because of course a lifetime of feeling this sad and lonely would be unbearable.

You don’t know what the future holds so try to focus on what helps ease the loneliness each day.

Like I said up thread, moving on is a practise and you are the only one who can do it. Which sucks because it’s one more hard thing to do. But also something you are totally in charge of.

And for what it’s worth, I never had so much interest on the dating scene as I did in my late 30s. My friend who is in her mid 40s has spent lockdown zoom dating 20 and 30 somethings and has a team of men ready and waiting to go on real life dates.

6 months ago she was convinced she’d never go on a date again!

And if you need a way into the acceptance thing, the audio book of radical compassion by Tara Brach is a good place to start.