What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

I’m sorry OP. It comes across so clearly how much this is affecting you.

I feel the ‘you’ll find someone, don’t worry’ platitudes quite insulting and patronising in a way, as you know and I know and they know that absolutely none of us can predict the future, and we all know some people do stay single for life. It’s a painful truth but trying to avoid it doesn’t really help anymore. I’m sure it’s not that comforting when you know there’s no way anyone can see into your future when they claim with such certainty it’ll happen.

I think there’s a grain of truth in the whole ‘if you’re a happy rounded person you’re more likely to meet someone’ but it’s not the hard fact it’s made out to be. Loads of people meet partners when their lives are a mess! Life IS messy. Who amongst us doesn’t have some physical or mental issue to deal with, money troubles, work troubles, family troubles? Lots of people are also attracted to someone they can rescue. But there is some truth to the fact that most of us are attracted to people who have their lives together. They don’t have to be happy all the time, but would you rather date a guy who’s clearly depressed and lonely with no interests, or the guy who has a positive or realistic attitude, some hobbies he’s passionate about, and a circle of friends who clearly value him? It makes you want to be part of that life because it brings value and is exciting and engaging. And shows you that they won’t be looking to you to latch onto to give them a life.

I have a best friend who’s in his forties and hasn’t ever managed to have kids, the most amazing guy you could meet, has been single his whole life barring one 6yr relationship. Really wants a relationship and keeps OLD running in the background but despite that part of his life being missing he has an amazing life. Hobbies that keep him busy 5-6 nights per week (bowling, debate club, toastmasters, volunteering, writing group), a circle of friends he has brought together, a job he does very well in. He does get lonely like anyone but he isn’t crying daily about being single or unable to feel happy for his friends when they marry and have kids. It’s important for anyone to have a full rounded life, single or otherwise. And you’ll notice the absence of a partner much more acutely if you don’t have much going on.

What’s your life like? I know you mentioned faking seeing friends at the weekends. Do you have hobbies? Are you still open to meeting more new friends as well as existing ones? You’re not stuck only having the married busy friends you currently have, there are plenty of people out there open to new friendships.

If I may, you sound quite depressed. As in possible clinical depression. I fully understand the way you feel. But at the same time it has consumed your life and happiness and that’s not helpful for your happiness or wellbeing, let alone your chances of meeting someone. People can sense unhappiness and depression in others and it’s not a trait that will be drawing guys in, you know? Have you considered seeing a doctor for a referral to counselling or an assessment for depression? It just seems like while you’re right to find this so so difficult it is taking over your life and I’m worried about you being in that place.

@blueandgreens

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

It's probably your biological clock ticking very loudly because your ex'es have moved on and you have not. Stick around on here and read some of the experiences of others and it might help you get life into a perspective. Think of it as a time in your life when you have choices, probably able to afford nice things to wear etc, and being able to do exactly what you want.

You sound in a rut. If you dwell on it you will only become more miserable.

Listen, the people you dated who have moved on were not right for you. You will meet someone, I just know it. You may or may not have children. Do not concern yourself over this. It's vastly overrated:) I'm not trying to make light of your situation, not at all.

Maybe a change of job, or a house move, or even dating online might change your mood somewhat.
Do not despair. Life always has a way of throwing something up just when you thought it was all cut and dried

Hi OP, just wanted to add that you are not alone. I'm 44 and my long term relationship ended over 3 years ago. Luckily I am blessed with children but I've dated a series of a-holes/losers since then. Each time thinking my life was going in a different direction only to find out they were not good people. I now feel back to square 1 again and the thought of dating fills me with dread.
My friends tell me that it will happen because I'm now in a good place. I don't think I am at all. The only good thing is that I have finally realised I will not 'settle' or put up with any red flags now so I refuse to be in a bad relationship just for the sake of it. Id rather be single.
I have 1 friend who met her first boyfriend when she was 41 and they've been together for 2 years. She was the same and never thought she would ever meet anyone. Another friend who is also 44 joined POF and met someone within 2 weeks!!!! All I'm saying is, don't assume its not going to happen for you. Some people just take much longer to find their forever partner.
Its pure luck.

Stick around on here and read some of the experiences of others and it might help you get life into a perspective. Think of it as a time in your life when you have choices, probably able to afford nice things to wear etc, and being able to do exactly what you want.

I remember breaking up with an ex at 28 when I was desperate for kids, worried about my fertility, and feeling like it was too late to start over and taking it hard.

And my dad said ‘there has never been a better time or place in history to be a single woman. You have options. You’re not stuck having to marry a man who treats you badly or you can’t stand just for survival because you can’t earn on your own. You can choose to stay single and free or have kids alone or keep pursuing a relationship. You can live alone which is something many women across the world would kill to be able to do. You have freedom and options’

And it totally shifted my perspective.

OP, what if you let go of the anxiety and fear of not knowing and accepted that it’s out of your hands? You can do what you can do, keep OLD accounts running and check in on them a couple times per week, but try and completely let go of pursuing a relationship for a while and see what else you can pursue? Making a new friend, learning a new skill, doing a free online course, going for a promotion, booking some events to attend, explore voluntary roles? If you were to be single for the rest of your life, what would you want THAT life to look like? Unhappy and regretful and bitter or full and exciting and full of love of all kinds?

We only get one shot at life and sadly not everyone achieves every goal they have... some end up in dead end jobs forever when they dreamed of a career, some manage to have a child but struggle as a single parent, some find the spouse and end up infertile, some lose their family in accidents, some get terminal cancer young and they only got to live a third of the years they expected to.

None of us have perfect lives. But it’s down to us to work on what we do have to make it the best we can, if we choose to. The alternative of shutting down and accepting the sadness is a valid choice too but ultimately a long slow form of emotional self harm.

Apologies as I wanted to avoid platitudes and worry I’ve fallen right into them...

I keep going over and over my last relationship...he got someone pregnant accidentally 6 months after we ended and is now settling into life with her. I ended that relationship and feel stupid for having done so. I keep thinking that could have been us.

I do feel depressed, but because I am missing the things I want most in life. I have had many many years of nice clothes, holidays, free cash...I know that poster means well I really do, but none of those things make up for or even make anything better when you have nobody to share it with.

I wish my life could have just stopped at 30 because it’s been painful and lonely ever since. My brother and best friend are each getting married next year and I am just done with being the smiley supportive sibling and friend.

A huge amount of it is fear. Fear that I will be alone that I’ve left things too late. If someone knew the future and said to me you’ll meet someone at 40, I would be happy with that and celebrate my single life now. It is the fear of this loneliness being forever and the regret of ending that last relationship given he is now moving in with his new child a year after we ended.

I ended that relationship and feel stupid for having done so. I keep thinking that could have been us.
But you ended it for a reason. Its easy to look back later and wonder if you made a mistake but, at the time, it was clearly the right thing to do. 'Accidentally' getting someone pregnant then deciding to stick with them doesn't sound like the basis for a lasting relationship to me. Its easy to look at other people's lives and want what they have. Often their own situations are extremely unhappy.
There isn't anything anyone can say that is going to make you suddenly have an epiphany. Would you consider some therapy/counselling perhaps just to help you talk through your struggles and perhaps help you to see things differently?

I don’t think I need counselling to see things differently, I will always feel sad about not sharing my life with someone or having a family. I am aware there are other things in life to enjoy and that not everyone who is married or has kids is happy. I do know that. But for me there will always be a huge hole without it and I will always feel like I have missed out. I can’t help that feeling, it is something I have always wanted.

Can you relate your feelings to feelings of grief? A sense of loss?

I know you've said you don't want to have children on your own so I won't try and persuade you otherwise but something that is commonly discussed in the solo mum community is the sense of grief of not having the family or partnerships so many of us wanted (for some solo by choice is plan a but many of us it's plan b and not a choice as such but our only choice).

I think it is similar to grief yes. Lately it has been mixed in with jealously, bitterness, deep loneliness and anger. I’m totally fed up.

The ex who has now had a child within a year of us breaking up, was texting me only a few months ago asking for us to meet up etc. It feels cruel that this has happened and we didn’t have chance to start over and see if we would have worked. And now he is living his family life with someone else like it’s the most easy thing to have achieved in the world. None of it seems fair

Yes I can relate to those mix of feelings. I still think about my ex from 14 years ago, the last serious one, we were together best part of 5 years age 20-25. It was me that ended it too and he eventually got married, kids, emigrated to a beautiful part of New Zealand even!! He occasionally pops up in dreams and I wonder 'what if' from time to time. I do know deep down it was for the right reasons we split so I wonder if the focus on him is just because he was the last one that was a serious relationship I could have settled with, not because of him as a person, if that makes sense.

What were the reasons for splitting with your last ex? You said it was your decision?

Hugs to you OP. I’m really struggling with this as well. In fact, I could have written any of your posts, including an ex partner who recently reached out to me to let me know he now has a baby.

I have no advice for you, but wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. I truly don’t think there’s anything wrong with us, luck just hasn’t been on our side unfortunately. I really hope you find someone amazing very soon. xx

Hey @blueandgreens. Another person chiming in to say I get it. It’s shit. The pain of this kind of loneliness is almost indescribable. It drips into everything. It’s more common than anyone will admit.

I’m a few years ahead of you and if I could advise one thing it would be to never make relationship decisions with this loneliness. I have and it magnified the loneliness.

Never think you can’t find a relationship because you aren’t perfect or doing enough things to be interesting or any of the many things people who have never been in this situation will patronisingly advise you to do. (Hanging out at mines?! 🤦‍♀️).

I am making peace with it now. It gets easier.

The start of lockdown was incredibly difficult - furloughed, living alone, hearing about people isolating in their little family bubbles and feeling more isolated and lonely than ever. I honestly thought I would have a breakdown if lockdown went on longer than a couple of months.
But actually it’s been the making of me.

I decided if this was what my life would be from now on - my worst nightmare! - then I’d lean into it.
I have spent time imagining the kind of life I can live without a relationship. The freedom. For every con, I’ve thought of two pros.
I still get pangs. And probably always will. But I’m no longer allowing it to consume me or make me feel like I have failed or that I am lacking.

Accepting that it may never happen is probably one of the most difficult things I’ll ever do but I am also feeling more me than I have in a long time.

Good luck - please PM if you ever want to vent or rage or cry to someone who will never tell you ‘the love of your life is just round the corner, all you need to do is stop looking!’

Haven’t read the full thread as I’m in a rush but I am also mid 30s and single. However I have lots of same-age friends who are also single. Maybe looking for single friends might help reframe things a bit and you wouldn’t feel the odd one out? A friend I met recently was introduced via mutual friends as I think she was feeling the same as you do. So now I meet up with her quite often and I guess she identifies with me more than with her married friends.
I’m very happy being single but I do think maybe I wouldn’t be as happy if all my friends were attached. And it’s far more fun to share the dating stories with other singles, rather than with married friends who in my experience can’t identify.

Hi OP

So sorry you are feeling like this. I am in the same situation at 39. I don't want kids so the time pressure isn't exactly the same but I know how you feel.
I really don't think settling is ever a good idea though; it's highly likely that it will end in a breakup a few years down the line.

I don't really have any useful words of advice I'm afraid but I know how hard it is when you're surrounded by people who are seemingly happy and secure.

When I'm brave enough I'm going to venture back onto online dating. Not the apps, they're for hookups. But I know three people who have married people they've met on eHarmony in the last few years. I've also heard good things about Match and OKCupid.

Hang in there OP xxx

Why did you end the previous 'goodish' relationships OP?

I can only speak for myself, but for me attachment issues were a big contributor to my relationship troubles. I could get dates, but nothing was clicking long term. I highly recommend reading more about attachment.

@blueandgreens OP what exactly are you looking to get out of this thread? You have shot down all suggestions and help in a not exactly polite way. People tell you to be happy within yourself, you find that "fucking insulting", people tell you to have children yourself, you say you want the whole package, people tell you to get counselling, you say you don't need it. People try to sympathise and give you examples based on their life experience that you will meet someone, you challenge them. It's probably because the moment they made peace they became more relaxed and less desperate to look at every man who satisfied their checklist as a potential husband, and stopped ignoring the people who did not check all the boxes.

You act as if you were promised this future and it's taken away from you. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that. You can't get everything that you want.

In the kindest possible way, OP stop feeling so sorry for yourself, stop comparing and being bitter about other people's happiness and ex's moving on. Get some therapy and get into a better place. All the best.

Did you manage to resolve your attachment issues thinkingg? I'm pretty sure this is a major factor in my own circumstances. (Fearful avoidant). But even though I understand it I don't know how to resolve it, not without throwing lots of money at therapy.

Coming back to try to lighten you up to enquire if you have not yet moved to outback Australia mining or farming area where there are doubtless loads of men?! You must try to maintain your sense of humour as it is a cure for despair.

Is he the ex who was messaging escorts? If so you've dodged a huge bullet there.

A couple of my friends were in your exact situation and tried Bumble, both now in relationships long term, one married with two kids at 41 and other expecting second baby and due to marry once corona fucks off, 40 this year.

I've never used OLD but they both sing the praises of that one.

No the one who got someone pregnant shortly after we ended was not the one messaging escorts. He was a nice man but I just didn’t feel much for him at all. Now I am wondering if I am the issue? He moved in with this woman and the child now, hasn’t even known her a year. It could have been me and him.

I don’t think I have issues with commitment really, I have lived with partners in the past and when I feel it I put my all into it. I just haven’t found that in so so long.

And I know I am here moaning and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for the advice, it’s just hard to hear things like get a hobby (I have them) or move cities etc... it’s not that easy to do that and not many people I know who are settled have had to uproot their life to meet someone. It just seems to happen.

It's ok to not want to take advice on how to fix it anyway. Sometimes you just want someone to acknowledge that yes it is shit, and it's ok to feel the way you do.
At some point, when you're ready, you can then look for advice on what to do next.

@blueandgreens I struggled with how everything just seemed to happen for other people too, without them having to get therapy, or have 57 hobbies or move to the Australian outback to hang around mine shafts, because it seemed so unfair.
And it is. But so are lots of things in life.
You can’t spend your life fighting that - take it from someone who tried!

What you can do is decide to live in a way that brings you happiness despite things not being how you imagined.

If you’d stayed with your ex, however good a man he is, you’d have ended up living a half life, envying people who waited for the person they really loved to build a life with.

Don’t you deserve more than that?