What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

I haven’t found anything better though have I... and he was nice enough. I don’t even know what was missing, I just didn’t feel in love.

I often feel like the advice to get counselling or get a hobby or travel or make yourself happy all the time is cruel, when are any of these things ever said to anyone who is married with kids. It seems to be ok if you’re married with kids and feeling down, or don’t have time for a hobby or can’t afford to/ don’t want to travel. Those things are just ok in that situation but not when you are single, when you are single you have to be this perfect and amazing busy person with no problems.

You seem a little stuck in a kinda teenage minded ‘it’s not fair!’ mode rather than being ready to look forward and acknowledge that yes, life isn’t fair, and what do I do next?

It’s not fair that some meet partners when life isn’t going well but you’re expected to be happy with yourself to meet someone... it’s not fair that others have met people easily whereas you’re not managing that and have the potential to do things like move city to meet someone. It’s not fair that others have this life and you don’t.

Life truly isn’t fair. There’s almost no point complaining that it isn’t when it was never going to be, it’s not meant to be. Especially in matters of the heart... nobody is promised a partner. Look how gross it is when men act put out that they’re ‘incel’, as if they world owes them sex and love. It doesn’t.

You keep saying ‘maybe it’s actually me?’

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. We don’t know. You’re certain you wouldn’t benefit from therapy but I disagree. A neutral party who can help you unlock whether there’s anything you’re doing or not doing that is shooting you in the foot could help. It might be pure bad luck. Or there might be something in your hands that means you’re the common denominator in being unable to meet someone when others have. I have no idea either way but at 35 with the clock on fertility running I’d be doing everything I could to find out to keep working towards my goal if it meant that much to me.

when are any of these things ever said to anyone who is married with kids.

All the time. People are often advised to have therapy, find time for themselves, develop their own interests, despite being married with kids. You’re seeing what you’re looking for and discounting the rest because it fits your worldview and enables you to continue feeling unfairly treated. It’s a form of cognitive error in a way. It’s called a mental filter. And you can combat it... with therapy

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Mental%20Health%20Professionals/Unhelpful%20Thinking%20Styles/Unhelpful%20Thinking%20Styles%20-%2001%20-%20Mental%20Filter.pdf

You say you don’t want counselling but I’d have another think about that, good therapy can give you way to explore all these feelings within a secure relationship, which I know is what you want from a partner, why not get a bit of that from a therapist in the meantime?

You sound like you have really good boundaries when it comes to relationships, and you’re obviously on good terms with family and friends. You’re not alone judging by the many replies to thus thread.i think it’s great that you know what you want but the pain of that is you don’t have it yet.

I can’t say if it will ever come to you either. Put yourself in the way of as many opportunities as possible, find your love and nurture wherever you can get it. You are not less because you are not one half of something.

But do think about finding a good therapist, meet them for a chat, see how you feel.

Those things are just ok in that situation but not when you are single, when you are single you have to be this perfect and amazing busy person with no problems.

And anyway, you don’t have to do all those things. Nobody is making you. Nobody can do them for you either. It’s just tried and tested advice that MAY increase your chances of finding a partner, and MAY increase your happiness and satisfaction in your life anyway whether you do or don’t.

I also think you’re failing to see the people who did do those things and then did meet someone. Because who goes around explaining exactly what things were like for them before meeting their partner? You tend to just see how things are in the here and now.

Again, mental filter thinking. I know I’m being a little tougher on you than in my previous replies (I can see you’re kinda stuck and the softly softly total empathy approach isn’t helping) but I genuinely do think you’d benefit from therapy.

Of course it’s down to you whether you do.

Just wanted to add, your thread title is ‘what am I doing wrong?’ -maybe nothing but you could explore what your options are. ‘I feel so sad’ -then you need to explore how to feel happier at least some of the time.

I’m not dismissing therapy and I do get that it could help. I just feel so sad and I really have tried my best in the past and just feel frustrated that it hasn’t happened.

I really want to find a life that doesn’t include these dreams because I can’t cope with the feeling of panic that it isn’t happening. I want to just move on from it and I don’t know how. That’s the worst part.

I think there was a poster who suggested counselling so you could 'see things differently' which may be clumsy wording but insensitive because it implies you are seeing and doing things wrong, which you are not.

Where counselling may help is to process your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental setting and find a way through this tough period, whatever that may be. But not everyone benefits from counselling so that's a personal decision to take.

If you were a woman posting about her fears and pain over infertility and facing a future without children then you would have got a far more sympathetic response.

However you are also a woman posting a pain and fear over facing a future without a family and/or children, albeit under different circumstances, and you're told to effectively cheer up and not to worry it will happen because it happened to so and so's friend of a friend.

I’m sorry for sounding ungrateful. This thread has kept me from falling deeper into a pit so please know that I really appreciate it. I’m just struggling so much that it’s hard to show that.

@Sharkerr

You seem a little stuck in a kinda teenage minded ‘it’s not fair!’ mode rather than being ready to look forward and acknowledge that yes, life isn’t fair, and what do I do next?

It’s not fair that some meet partners when life isn’t going well but you’re expected to be happy with yourself to meet someone... it’s not fair that others have met people easily whereas you’re not managing that and have the potential to do things like move city to meet someone. It’s not fair that others have this life and you don’t.

Life truly isn’t fair. There’s almost no point complaining that it isn’t when it was never going to be, it’s not meant to be. Especially in matters of the heart... nobody is promised a partner. Look how gross it is when men act put out that they’re ‘incel’, as if they world owes them sex and love. It doesn’t.

You keep saying ‘maybe it’s actually me?’

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. We don’t know. You’re certain you wouldn’t benefit from therapy but I disagree. A neutral party who can help you unlock whether there’s anything you’re doing or not doing that is shooting you in the foot could help. It might be pure bad luck. Or there might be something in your hands that means you’re the common denominator in being unable to meet someone when others have. I have no idea either way but at 35 with the clock on fertility running I’d be doing everything I could to find out to keep working towards my goal if it meant that much to me.

There's something to what Sharkerr has said. It might sound harsh to you, but I think it's worth taking on board.

Loneliness is crippling. Most of us completely sympathise with you and your situation, and it's important that you feel like you can vent every now and again but you will eat yourself if you keep thinking like this.

When you look at your friends, no, it doesn't seem fair.....but you have no idea what their relationship is really like. People live all kinds of fucked up dynamics behind closed doors. People feel trapped and suffocated in the confines of their marriages and families. There's big pros to living in these units, but also cons.

You say things on the lines of 'but my friends didn't need therapy, didn't need to sort themselves out before I met someone, so why should I have to?'. Maybe your friends didn't need it, but if they did the cracks will eventually show when they divorce years down the line. The strain of 'settling' for someone they knew wasn't right, of ignoring problems about themselves or their partner will come back to haunt them whether you see it or not.

The only thing you can do for now is try to give yourself something to look forward to every month. If you can afford it, is there any online course you can sign up to to learn a completely different skill? It won't fix everything in your life, but it might help pull you through when you're feeling particularly low.

@Blossom0120

Did you manage to resolve your attachment issues thinkingg? I'm pretty sure this is a major factor in my own circumstances. (Fearful avoidant). But even though I understand it I don't know how to resolve it, not without throwing lots of money at therapy.

I think I've improved. But I did spend a lot on therapy! Some of it was helpful, some less so.

One thing that helped was journaling and noticing patterns. Particularly once I started to notice that I was having repeated reactions and feelings in each relationship, and could see that they related more to my childhood than the present moment. I also found out very helpful to be open with partners about this, at an appropriate pace, so they didn't think it was their fault.

Recommend the book Mindsight by Dan Siegel, it's got some chapters about attachment. Also Brene brown's The Power of Vulnerability, she has a good Ted talk too.

@blueandgreens, thanks for the reply. What would "being in love" feel like to you?

I used to be drawn to unavailable people, "in love" was the adrenaline filled excitement of getting a bit of their attention, and projecting qualities onto people I didn't know that well. I was also very unconfortable with emotional vulnerability, so I was drawn to relationships where that wouldn't happen.

I've had to get comfortable, by gradual practice, with vulnerability. And I've reframed love. There are many kinds of love, but the kind I want for a long term relationship is fun, trust, sexual closeness and a feeling of safety. If I want gut turning excitement and suspense I can always go bungee jumping.

I felt exactly like this a few years ago in my mid twenties (which looking back was kind of crazy as I was so young), but I hadn’t ever had a serious relationship (longest was 4 months), I genuinely thought something was wrong with me and I would be alone forever. I decided I wasn’t going to let being single ruin my life and I would do things that made me happy like travelling, anyway to cut a long story short I went travelling for a month, had a fling while out there, then came back and two weeks later met my now fiancée of five years.

I honestly think a lot of it is pure luck, I also noticed that once I changed my mindset from “I really need to find a partner” to “I just want to have some fun, travelling is my focus” that I seemed to have a lot more success romantically. So maybe there was an air of desperation people could sense with me that was putting them off? My advice would be find something that makes you happy to take the focus off being single and finding a partner, then you’ll be in a better mindset and a better position to find someone. People can sense when someone isn’t happy in themselves and is desperate for a relationship and it is off putting even if you don’t think you’re giving off that vibe.

Apologies if my suggestion of counselling came across as 'cruel' or 'clumsy' @Blossom0120 I am not a smug married and had already stated I was also single and in a similar position.
When I said 'see things differently', I meant look at your current life in a more positive light. You can't change it right now so I assumed a shift in mind-set (if possible) would be the best route forward.
I'm not sure what advice the OP is looking for.

@blueandgreens

I’m sorry for sounding ungrateful. This thread has kept me from falling deeper into a pit so please know that I really appreciate it. I’m just struggling so much that it’s hard to show that.

I really, really sympathise, especially if you feel you're the odd one out all the time in your group of friends.

However, to prevent yourself from spiralling down into that pit you need to be tough on yourself and try to stop your own thought patterns from crushing you. Therapy might help you, but it might not. It's really not the answer to everything. As a writer, I wonder if you would find some solace or hope in the writings of others?

I think a lot of the recent panic has stemmed from my ex’s having both had children this year. And the latest one having done it in the space of 6 months from our break up, despite having text me on and off for all of that time. It feels like a big sign that everyone else will find all this easily and I won’t. It has all happened so fast. I knowit doesn’t help to compare and I shouldn’t but it still feels hard and life can be daunting when you face it alone everyday.

Did you say you have a birthday coming up? I find birthdays pretty tough, perhaps treating them as a reckoning. I get you too. I find it hard when I'm alone sometimes and need the distractions of other people and their random musings to break the inner critic. I don't know what to say about your relationship future but to concentrate on the here & now - you are in pain, you may be spiralling so break that first. Do whatever you have to do to shift this dynamic, come back to the other stuff later. Excuse yourself from your internal thoughts/conversation and distract yourself, force yourself. The big stuff is important and you can address it when more able. Get out, talk to someone, run, gaze at animals, watch something riveting, read but say no more about this til you're feeling better.

You're not doing anything wrong. We just don't all have great lives, that's the issue. I thought I was sorted - husband, kids, house - imagined myself living in the nice house we'd designed as an old lady, with no financial issues. Now I live alone in a small flat and can look forward to living off a pittance in old age, as my money will go on rent. If anything goes wrong with my work, I have nothing to fall back on, so could easily be too poor to have any fun before I even retire. The best laid plans of mice and men.

I have two children and feel sorry for them, growing up in a world where climate change is clearly going to make their lives absolute crap.

I have found myself making things up about the weekend when everyone else is talking about kids and their husbands...I don’t know what to say and just pretend I am always seeing friends.
Well, that's good to know, that I shouldn't believe all the sociable stuff other people seem to be doing.

Aww op. I understand completely. I spent my thirties in love with my gay best friend. Then I went travelling. It wasn't until I got back and everyone had settled down, buying houses and having families and I suddenly felt very lonely. It's bloody hard! And yes, you get comments like, 'work on making myself happy' etc etc. I thought, that's literally what I've been doing for years!
I did have a nice life, I just knew that there was something missing. And you're right. Having loads of friends and an active life is great, but when you're coming home to nobody there to share things with, it gets so lonely.
The answer for me? I just nailed online dating. For 3 years...if one didn't work. On to the next. Felt quite mercenary. But I was there for one reason. It's a numbers game. I just had it in my head, it would happen. I knew it might have taken years! It took 3. I was 38. Met someone. Life is better. There's no two ways about it. And I wish you all the best x

You have my sympathy OP, I’m not surprised you feel sad as you’ve set your heart on something that hasn’t happened. None of us knows the future so we can’t say ‘it’ll happen’ with any certainty, similarly life just is unfair, to some more than others (though few of us get to the end without some sort of massive shitshow IME).

I don’t see how counselling could do any actual harm? You say you weren’t ‘in love’ with your ex so you ended it. Well I don’t know what that means really, it might be worth thinking/talking it through.

I echo PP who say ditch the weddings. I would go further and ditch social media, especially your exes, and smug as opposed to normal married friends. Honestly, what is the point of being there for everyone else if it’s making you feel bad?

You ask what meaning your life can have without your own family. it may be worth thinking about the old-fashioned notion of ‘vocation’ eg nursing, teaching etc. You don’t say what your job is but is it as fulfilling as it can be?

Finally, and forgive me if this is crass but it worked for me, could you get a dog? I’m divorced and have three DC but honestly my dog is my simple and pure love! A friend of mine, who got a dog when he was 55, told me that if he’d known what it was like to love a dog, he wouldn’t have bothered having children 😂. If nothing else, a warm adoring creature in your life helps with sadness.

Good luck OP

@blueandgreens

I need to post again with more of my backstory because I was basically like you & I think this will help — I felt just as you do. I was in a bad mental space so I got back with my ex, married him, planned the whole family thing with him — it didn’t happen, we couldn’t get pregnant. We got married & it was terrible. We broke up. I should never ever ever have got back with him. I know that’s not an option for you but take it from me: it wouldn’t bring happiness — you said you didn’t love him. You did the right thing.

Also this is a curveball but you said this

If someone knew the future and said to me you’ll meet someone at 40, I would be happy with that and celebrate my single life now Just tell yourself that it’ll happen — seriously pretend you do know the future & you know it’ll happen! That’s what I’m doing. I KNOW I’ll meet someone and in the meantime, I’m happy exploring all those areas I mentioned in my life posts. I feel so happy and grateful to be still standing. But I didn’t always feel this way.

• my last post

Dont take this wrongly, but do you look for a "professional"type of guy ?Good job ,nice looking and so on ? Many of these chaps seem to want to either play the field or have settled down "early" as it were .Would you consider a divorced Dad with DC already maybe ,or what about a working class type of guy
I mean sometimes to think "outside the box" as it were. There is nothing whatsoever "wrong" with you ,but sometimes it helps to change perspective a little .Good luck and you sound lovely BTW!

Families come in all different shapes and sizes
Is the single parent any less of a family because there is only 1 parent .
My advice,is to either foster ,or adopt or use a sperm bank and make your own family,your way .change your expectations that you need a partner for a family ,because you really don’t .

Yeah, not sure I've any words of wisdom to add except if you go to the relationships section here you'll discover that getting hitched is not always a guarantee of happiness. A bit of schadenfraude at the disasters may make you feel better... Best of luck and be patient with yourself.