What the fuck am I doing so wrong, i am so sad

[blueandgreens]

Bit of a desperate first time poster here. I’m 35 on Wednesday and have no relationship, no kids, not even close to any of it.

I’ve had a couple of good relationships and lived with them in the past. But the last few years have been a total car crash of shit on the relationship front. I’ve tried hard too, got myself out there, date, joined endless clubs, travelled, you name it. I’ve given things time when I thought it may develop. I’ve dated people I usually wouldn’t. Nothing seems to fit.

I hear all the advice that oh it will happen when you stop looking to oh you have to make an effort if you want to meet someone it won’t just happen! I’ve also heard advice to others about being happy with yourself...this makes me feel like shit, it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy with who they are and with their life... I’m not perfect, I’m not always happy alone, I want companionship. It doesn’t mean I’m not a generally happy person (I am).

But right now today I feel in pieces. Two ex’s have had children this year, all over social media. I know I shouldn’t look. Going it alone isn’t the answer either as I want the whole thing and wouldn’t want to do it alone out of choice.

I feel so lost in life. All I want is someone special to love and plan a future with. How do you get to a point of accepting it won’t happen for you? How do you live with that when it is everything you wanted most in life? I feel sick.

Just to add OP, don't assume that all your coupler friends with kids are blissfully happy. I know that a few of mine absolutely are, but I also know a few couples that met, married, had kids in their late 20s/early 30s who now approaching their 40s have deep cracks appearing, and some who I'm fairly sure wouldn't be together anymore if it weren't for the kids.

When I was in your position I used to remind myself that being single was better than being shackled into an awful marriage, and thanked my stars that my XH and I had never had kids to tie us together. Don't ever settle for anything less than amazing x

That’s the thing though, what am I waiting for? Maybe I am waiting for something that’s not even attainable?

I feel like I am caring and understanding and certainly don’t expect someone to be perfect, but then how come I’ve not met someone I feel deeply loved and in love with? Maybe it is just me. I’m meant to be alone. I can’t help feeling like this. I’m so tired of it all. Tired of being fun on a night out and engaging when I just want to be home on the sofa with someone I love. Life feels so lonely even when I’m surrounded by friends and work colleagues.

Just to add- ive been married, had an amazing DS. ExH and I grew apart. I now have to share my son and feel v lonely. See moms with kids when my son is with his dad and my heart hurts. Just because people are married doesnt meant that their lives are great or that even if their lives are great they will stay tbat way. Believe me. I would also like to meet someone- exH went right i to new rship ans has a baby etc with her. I wish i could meet someone i really love. So far i havent and its been two years. When my sons at his dads i feel extremely lonely. I have to believe things will get better, so do u OP although i know and understand its v v v hard

I really know and understand how you feel. I have been single for nearly eight years. my marriage broke up when I was 33 with two children and for six years I never had so much as a date. I had one date (no spark, although a lovely man) and one relationship through old. That relationship ended because despite pretending initially to want something long term, this was just a line. He gave me a std months in.
Like you I don't know where I'm going wrong. I'm attractive, have lots of "things" going for me. People are generally incredulous when I tell them my history (which makes me feel worse). They cant believe I have been so single. I often find that some people assume I'm to blame in some way "you're too choosy" " you dont put yourself put there" "you've shut yourself off".
I live in a smallish town and go out and about. I worked in a male dominated area and my job involved meeting others. I changed jobs to a large institution with a huge workforce. No joy. I have hobbies, a wide circle of friends, have done courses, I even participate in a sport and have another as a hobby. Nada.
I went on old and found it to be daunting...too much sex chat, dick pics, rudeness. I've been stood up the majority of times. I havent been on it for 18 months. I find myself now almost needing to brace myself before rejoining. Maybe the pool is too small where I lived but I found most of my contemporaries just weren't interested in women their own age, or wanted hook ups, or were just dreamers who wanted to chay/sext the night away. My single friend at the time found the same thing.
I find my friends just dont understand how I feel really. To be honest, I hear of people whose relationships break up and they meet someone really quickly in banal places, like the pub, or a garage, or a restaurant. A man chats them up, or asks them out. I do think what is wrong with me?? I feel like my best years have slipped away...
I wish I knew what to say. Honestly I have a good life and I realise how lucky I am in many respects. But it would be nice to have someone to have a relationship with, to have that intimacy.
I do have happiness every day and I remind myself of that..and that I am enough.

I have to agree though, my life now 100% beats being in an unhappy marriage!

I can't really offer any advice but I absolutely understand how you feel and thought I'd send some and also share my story to show you are not alone. (Don't worry, it's not a 'I was the same then met someone' story!)

I'm 39 this year. It's 14 years since my last long term relationship ended. I've dated on and off and there's been a couple of 'whirlwind' serious relationships that crashed and burned after a few of months. So I don't really count them as even though they were full on they were never properly integrated into my life as a partner.

I've had all the cliches said to me and I too find them offensive. People are trying to help but it's like they are telling you you must be doing something wrong!! I think people who haven't been single for long periods of time have very little idea truly how lonely it is. It's not just companionship but society is built around couples. I used to believe people when they said it will happen, you'll find someone. I used to think surely this time next year I will be with someone, I can't possibly be single for x amount of years, no one is! But here I am. The odd one of the bunch.

I know it isn't for everyone but I did go down the solo mum route at 34/35. I always knew though that if it came to it I would prefer to be a single mum than not a mum at all, so that wasn't too much of a difficult decision for me in the end. I was in the mindset that I had the rest of my life to meet someone but I didn't have the rest of my life to have a child.

Since DS was born though i've learned a lot about myself. I didn't realise I was emotionally neglected as a child until I had my son and realised the way my parents were with me wasn't actually normal. I've become quite aware now that I have a fearful/avoidant attachment style (funnily enough it was reading threads on Mumsnet that introduced me to attachment styles and I researched it more). With hindsight I think this might have had a significant impact to my dating style. I always seemed to want the guys that didn't want me and reject the guys that did. I thought it was just bad luck and that it was me not being prepared to settle for those that did want me, but now I think I have complex emotions around attachment that have affected this.

So in a way I guess I do have something 'wrong' with me but not in the sense I'm not lovable or a good person. More in the sense I need to heal myself so I can allow someone in. My intention is to have counselling.

I also need to resolve my feelings of grief. I think maybe you are currently grieving from what you've written. We have to face losing the dreams we have grown up thinking of and expecting would happen like it does for everyone else: the partners , the family. I have a child now who brings me a lot of joy but I still grieve the loss of the family unit I always wanted and having no one to share the ups and downs of raising a child with.

I'm sorry that is super long. I think to start with you need some support to process your feelings in some way. You need people to acknowledge your pain rather than gloss over it with bright and breezy cliches. Whether that be counselling, Mumsnet or a real life friend.

And I should really stop putting off booking that first counselling appointment!

I hear you op, I spent most of my 30's living and feeling pretty much exactly the same as you and it's shit, really shit. I don't think your upcoming birthday is helping, it just makes you reflect more on what you haven't got and what you feel is missing.

The low points are low, seriously low but you'll perk up again, this is just one of those times that it's all getting on top of you.

Things will come good, I promise you. There's someone out there for you and it will happen, just keep hope because without that it can feel pointless at times.

I think there’s a lot of luck involved in stumbling across someone who you can share your life with.

But...it only takes one!

I can hear your hurt and totally understand it. Bad day, bad run....start up again when you’ve had a break from it and are ready again. Your luck might change

It's also not just the companionship and family side that's hard either. I find the financial impact of being single significant too. I'm not in poverty, I can afford what my son needs, and extras like the odd holiday or day trips etc. But I can't progress, I can't pool with a second income and buy a bigger house or build an extension. I have very little savings and pension. These are all things my friends are doing, I feel like their lives are progressing and I'm being left behind. I just feel like my entire life has been on the back foot to everyone else around me. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, I really do. But it doesn't take the loneliness and sense of worthlessness away sometimes.

I met DH when I was 35. We got married when I was 37.

I felt exactly like you. My previous relationship went a bit toxic and I kissed lots of frogs over the next three years. It was very tiring.

In the end, I did just decide to 'stop trying'. I decided that the right man would turn up when he was ready. They say that if you create a space in your life it allows something new to turn up so I cleared some space in my wardrobe and drawers for this person. DH literally pitched up a few weeks later. I kid you not! I knew he was the right one from the third date. Fourteen years later he still is.

Rather than 'be happy' which is sometimes a bit difficult to achieve. Do something that will make you feel better. So, if you're in a bit of a funk maybe go for a walk in the park, watch something funny that will make you laugh, have a chat to a friend, make yourself a hot chocolate, etc. Just do little things that lift your spirit. As you start to feel better you will attract better people and situations towards you.

doora where did he turn up?

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Struggling at the moment with it all. Sort of gone from feeling low but hopeful to just wanting to accept where I am and what i have already lost...a long term relationship that all my friends have already forged. I also get the whole finance point the previous poster made...I get that. Its so tough and very lonely

I didn't want to put my story in my previous posts but like doora my DP just turned up after those 4 lonely years. Last year I took myself on a solo 3 week holiday (back to where I'd been on Honeymoon, I loved the place but wanted to record over the memories with new & better ones of my own, it was very cathartic) and came back feeling really happy, confident in myself and settled, the best I'd felt in literal years. A week later I went to a pub I'd never usually go to, and bumped into a recent Hinge match who came over to say Hi. He lives with me now, we're planning to have kids and it's perfect. I was 36 when I met him, by the way.

It can happen just as unexpectedly as that, so while I still don't want to say 'it will happen', please keep the hope OP x

OP have you considered joining a matchmaking agency?

Op I have a son who more or less said to me a few weeks ago what you said in your post.
Its difficult to know how to respond, he says he wants to have dc's while he's young and fit enough to enjoy them,( not the same as having a biological clock but I get his drift!)
My only advice to both you and him is just to get on with your life, give yourself new challenges and new experiences, and try and enjoy the life you have.

I have no advice OP but just wanted to share that I’m in the same boat .

Like others say lockdown hasn't helped your situation and is probably making you feel reflective.

I don't think you have to be perfect and optimistic all the time in order to find someone. It's frustrating when you know what you want and it's not coming together as you thought it would. It doesn't mean it won't happen for you. Life is unexpected. Who knows what the future holds. You are still young. This is why I hate social media it makes you feel shitty when you see people getting things you want for yourself. Hope you are ok.

You say you easily find dates, if that is the case surely it is a numbers game for you. If you were struggling that would be a different matter, so dust yourself down and get back in the saddle...you never know what is around the corner.

Oh OP, I feel for you I really do. I have been there, I was single for most of my 30's. I do have children but thought I was completely doomed in love. Even up until recently, I met my current boyfriend at 37. I have lots of lovely friends who are single and looking for love. I think people dont like to admit to you how sad it can make you feel so try and make you feel better. I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to love and be loved and I dont like it when people try to tell you otherwise even though they are just trying to help. I have been the single friend at so many parties and weddings, and after the weddings I stopped getting invited to things because all my friends did 'coupley'things and I was a spare part. Do you have single friends? You need some in my experience, ones who understand you and can support you. You are going to hate this now but in my experience you are in a better position to meet someone when you arent looking. Sorry! Just test the theory, put it to one side for a while. Put it out of your head completely and just see how you feel. Genuinely sending you lots of love.

"it’s almost like everyone who manages to be married and with a family is always happy ..."

There are plenty of married people with children who are very UNhappy. You only have to read a few threads on Mumsnet to realise that.

I know that isn't much help though it is true.

I've no advice for you but do sympathise. I hope your dreams come true.

The thing is OP, you have said yourself if you settled you would have what you wanted. But would you be any happier truly than you are now? Or would you be on here complaining about your husband and kids instead of posting about being alone.

I'm not going to patronize you. It might not ever happen for you. It might. Who knows. It might happen and then all go to shit anyway. All you can do is go out there, do the things that make you happy and live the life you have now.

You mentioned traveling, why don't you do that? What is stopping you currently? Do you believe that you need a partner to do that? You also say about friends and family being coupled up, why don't you arrange days/nights out with friends and family alone? I never go out with people with their partners or kids in tow. You don't need to go to weddings if you don't want to and you don't need to take a 'partner'. Last wedding I went to, my guest was a friend who had been invited to the night do but not the day.

If you have a massive "mother urge" would you consider fostering a child as a single person? you would and could add value to the life of a child without realizing it. It would be meaningful and with good days and bad days just like parenting. And yes I am sure you are fed up to to the back teeth of supporting others with relationships/families through their special times. And yet you need emotional support too.

Growing up, I used to think it was a given that you would fall in love, get married and have children. Having experienced some of life, I now know that it’s just not.

I think people saying you need to be happy in yourself etc. is just trying to make you feel like you have some control over the situation but I don’t think there’s anything much you can do. Little things, getting out more, clubs etc. You of course need to be around people for people to notice you. And of course there’s internet dating, but it still helps to get out and meet real people.

No one can say if it will happen for you or not. There’s always someone worse off than yourself and not everyone in a couple is happy.

It really hurts when you feel like you can’t attain the thing you want most in the world. But it’s not over for you yet. You are so young!

@blueandgreens

Oh I feel for you. I really do. I’m 40 & my marriage has broken down and my heart and life plans have shattered.

But I’ll tell you this — when I was single in the past I felt exactly as you do: so sad, alone, judged and misunderstood. It’s horrible how people give out trite advice.

But now, I don’t feel that way. I’d love to tell you how I got here but it really was time. Yes, marrying the wrong person in a cruel way ‘helped’ but I’ve just come on & grown.

I downloaded an OLD app yesterday and I could feel myself getting pulled in to that horrible man-pleasing space again and I just said NO and deleted it.

I focus on my own wellbeing and happiness now. Yes I’d LOVE a life partner but I just cannot give over another decade of my life to thinking about men so much.

Friends, creativity, work, future planning, saving money and GRATITUDE (I’m about to move into a tiny one bed apartment. It’s sobering but what else do I really need?).

My thinking shifted and so will yours. One day you’ll realise ‘wow I’m no longer burdened by all of that. What will be will be.’

Much love to you.

@blueandgreens, I met DH at work but it wasn't quite straightforward. I did a maternity cover for a year and he worked in another department but our paths crossed fairly frequently. I quite liked him but he had a girlfriend.

My contract ended and I left. A year later, I went back on another short term contract. It was a pretty awful time. I had got back together with my ex-boyfriend (big mistake) and everything went wrong that could have gone wrong with the job (boss problems). I cut my contract short and left abruptly. I was a bit too embarassed to have the leaving do originally planned but DH (now single) emailed me and offered to take me out for a drink. I was feeling so awful and really upset but he made me feel a million times better.

To start with, I had this weird dynamic where I wasn't sure if he was 'my type' to knowing he was 'the one'. It was very odd. After a kick up the arse from a couple of friends, I just decided to go with the flow and see where it took me. We got engaged after five months.

Although I didn't enjoy the ups and downs before DH I am now grateful for them as I realise how lucky I am to have found DH. I don't know if I would have appreciated him if I had met him when I was younger.

@blueandgreens - I am in exactly the same position. 35 and utterly single. I have a great career, a fun life I have built in a city, lots of friends but can’t seem to make a relationship stick. I have tried every form of dating app out there and met people that seemed promising only for them to pull away. I get the whole “we don’t understand why you are single” thing from friends all the time as well as the other cliches of “you will find someone when you stop looking” which is a personal deep hate of mine.

I wish there was something to make it easier but you aren’t alone in feeling like this.