Trivial arguments about my car

[SeagrassGreen]

My car is making unhealthy sounding noises for the last couple of weeks. DH has a mate who likes to tinker and he thinks this would be a cheaper option than taking it to a garage. Friend has no training other than kit cars are a hobby and I don't want him trying to fix my car and then live with the worry that it might not be safe or have him break it still further.

I know this sounds completely trivial. I am a bit of an anxious person about stupid things like dealing with garages so it does take me longer to do these things than most people so he is just trying to help in many ways. He thinks I am too 'uptight'.

Anyway, I declined the offer from his friend and have booked the garage but he has been grumpy for days as I will probably be a bit anxious until it's fixed and 'this will lead to an argument'. He thinks that the friend would have had a go and it would all be done by now. Then the final straw was on Monday. I had to help my mother with her shopping, she did take a long time and I was late back by about an hour. Since then he has been in full on cold shoulder. I do have a slightly difficult relationship with my mother which he knows affects me too so thinks that I should be more boundaried in my time with her to limit that effect. He also is someone who is always on time and can't understand those who are not and considers it really rude. We also are really busy with work at the moment so don't have much time together and he feels I am not prioritising our time and that he has no control over any aspect of our lives at the moment.

It is a bit hard to explain but he has really helped me over the years. I am indecisive and anxious although you would probably not guess that if you met me. He has made me do things I used to avoid but wanted to do so lots of things in my life are better. I don't have a lot of confidence and it probably means I have become quite dependent on him so when we have these arguments he will suddenly withdraw until I can coax him out of it but that can take days. Equally, maybe it is fair enough for him to withdraw for a couple of days.

The difficulty is how to manage it. It has always happened every so often and with the stress of trying to keep the business afloat recently it is happening a bit more often I think. It's so exhausting to have to manage on top of everything. I have tried telling him how it affects me but he says it is just how he is and not to worry. I wonder if I should have just got the friend to look at the car.

How have people dealt with this kind of argument?

"Hi SisterInLaw, I appreciate you are worried about [x], however I'm finding your calls intrusive and inappropriate right now. Please stick to supporting [x] at this time while he and I work out our next steps individually and together. I won't be picking up any more calls from you in the interim. If you're worried about his mental health, please encourage him to seek professional help."

And redirect to voicemail.

Thanks so much for your replies
I have messaged sister in law and told him I will see the client and can he send me what he has done so far. I have postponed anyway so have a few more days.

I had a message back from him 'Seagrass, have you considered that this is just you projecting your past relationships onto this one? It hurts me to the core that you might think I am some kind of bluebeard. I have only ever wanted to help you and love you but you have always had all the choices in whatever you want to do. I just do what you ask regardless of the cost to me. Refusing to talk and acting like this makes me feel like I'm abusing you too and just imagine how that makes me feel. I will do whatever you want, just please keep the lines of communication open'

He is keeping up the manipulation and drama llama approach then. Keep resisting these attempts to make it all about your faults and selfish ways. He is really showing you who he is now.
I wouldn't feel the need to reply tonight but if you do, I would say something on the lines of you're still communicating but you think it's better for both of you to have this space for the moment and let everything calm down. Again, you've got this. You're doing really well.

You are doing so well@SeagrassGreen. The tone of your later posts is so much more confident than the diffidence you showed in your first posts. Just read them again (especially the first one) for yourself.

I bet you are surprising yourself on taking such positive steps to be the person you really are, instead of the person your DH and his sister are trying to make you into.

You must be doing well as both of them are ratcheting up the pressure on you - except this time it's not really working.

Well done for taking the decisive action in postponing the client meeting so you can step up again, get back in the loop, and be seen to be the lead in your business.

Keep it up! 👏🏻

He sounds like he has a real victim mentality.

The last line of his message says he will do whatever you like “as long as” you keep lines of communication open. That sentence doesn’t make sense if you think about it. Also It seems he doesn’t like silent treatment either?

His sister sounds well meaning but interfering.

As he has a history of sabotaging clients he should not be left in control of your business.

I will say inciting an argument in the middle of the night is manipulative because you are being denied sleep & confused with tiredness, so the only way to end the argument is to acquiesce to him

Goodness. Has he forgotten he's the one who said he needed space? That he gives you the cold shoulder and brews arguments late at night, while you are trying to coax him into speaking to you? He's not said 'how can I help you feel better?'. He's only said 'how can you do this to me?'

The thing is, if he were right (and he's not), you'd need some space to evaluate and assess things and he should let you have that.

I honestly don't know how you should respond to that. It's like a ' have you stopped beating your wife' question- no good answer. It puts you in the wrong and holds you to blame whatever you say.

So he's accusing you of refusing to talk?! Classic reversal, the cheek of the man! What's bugging him is your refusal to fall back into line. I think it's becoming clear to you now that the "help" he's given you with your business has allowed him to edge you out and force you into reliance on him, because he's kept stuff to himself.
So, "I never stopped communicating. You asked for space, I gave it to you. Now I need some too, please respect that. Meantime if you can send me that info for the meeting, that would be a real help."
But don't respond to all that Bluebeard nonsense. You'll end up twisting yourself into knots trying to appease him. He'll use use it to confuse you and whatever you say, it will be wrong. Best not to engage with that.

The message which @pickingdaisies has suggested sounds perfect.

Good luck, OP - you're doing really well.

I can't explain how grateful I am to you all. I wish I had posted here years ago and I wish someone had given me that Bancroft book when I was 18. It's a total revelation.
He definitely has a belief about me not really being a separate person from him or a person with valid ideas. Either I agree with him or I am not a 'team player'. He also constantly calls people who he has bested 'losers' and has sometimes talked about backing down in an argument with me like me turning him into a loser, which I think is what Bancroft means about viewing relationships like a war. I always thought it was a strange thing to say and that would explain it really well.
I feel like someone has removed the stuffing from my head and I can think again. I just have to hold on to that thought. As soon as I talk to him or start to get fearful about managing on my own then everything gets confused and doubtful again.
I have talked to the client. They were fine and we are meeting on Friday now just with me. I am undecided about how much to trust him with that information. I'm worried if he thinks I'm being underhand then he will see that as all out war but if I tell him then he might sabotage it anyway.

I wouldn't tell him- it's tomorrow, you have it in hand, he said you were to do it on your own.

You'll be surprised how confident you'll feel when there's no one judging everything you do.

Where do your DC stand in this? Are they ok with the changes, so far?

DC are fine thanks Pickle. We have come to the flat to do bits and pieces before so they dont find anything out of the ordinary really. Also he is their stepdad and has pretty much always considered them my responsibility and has a bit of a distant relationship with them. I'm thinking about that too actually. I think he has viewed them as a bit of a threat to my attention and has been encouraging me saying they are tied to my apron strings the whole time.

Well with hindsight that's a blessing!

Do you know about getting your ducks in a row? Making sure you know where your important papers are etc, in case he starts messing about? Especially with regards to the business.
If there are bank accounts etc, maybe make the bank aware that no one is to change passwords or make unusual transactions. It may be possible to have a conversation with the bank about the situation being sensitive but you just want some added security.

You have read my mind pickle! I have been wondering what do to about all those things. He has access to almost everything, all my emails, bank accounts, even Amazon and shopping accounts. It's a question if I can even remember which. He will often ask why am I looking at such and such. One time, he went into a sulk and wouldn't help me with a load of things because I had changed the food shop from our usual things. He thinks that we should have the same things over and over as otherwise I will take too much time to think this will waste time. I was getting so bored of the same things each week. He said you make all the decisions if you want but if so dont ask me for help.
Anyway, the main point is he knows exactly what I'm doing all the time. That's why I'm paranoid about spyware.

I think I will have to write a list to start with, see if I can think of all the things that need doing. Somehow I'm going to have to get back into the house and get all my paperwork and some senrimenral things like kids photos without him noticing. He may already have done something with it in fact.

Anyway, I have done this before when I ran off from a previous partner. He had hit me though so it was all a bit of a rush and I ended up grabbing everything I could in half an hour and hiding in the shed for 4 hours as he came back earlier than I was expecting. Need to plan things a bit better this time.
On the brightside, my car is fixed so I have reliable transport again

Hi @seagrassgreen. I just wanted to say that I think you're being so incredibly brave in how you're handling this. As other wiser ladies have said, he is definitely abusive, but you are dealing with him like an absolute boss, for want of a better turn of phrase.

I also wanted to say that by not allowing your husband to treat you in this way, you are setting an excellent example to your children in setting boundaries and how to handle relationships which are not healthy.

Best of luck to you and your children for a happy future away from that wastrel of a man.

Number one thing above all else...

Change your email password and switch on two step authentication linked to your phone.

This stops him changing passwords on your other apps as there is always an email in the process.

Say nothing. If he notices say you were told by online fraud prevention to never share passwords so that's what you are doing. Don't mention two step. Say you'll forward anything he needs to see.

Change all the other passwords too when you are ready. Email password with two step first though.

Set up new accounts for Amazon etc. Maybe 'lose' your cards so that they have to be cancelled, and keep the new ones away from him.

It's the thinking that's important, working out where things are tangled and what can be easily sorted out. It doesn't have to be done right now- you just need to be ready, with a plan, in case you have to act fast.

I'm sure you know more about this than me, and you are doing really well.

You rock, OP .

Make sure if/when you change all your passwords if there's the option to, you "sign yourself out of all devices" as you do so.

Hi OP - you may find the following helpful in terms of steps to follow if you haven't already seen them:

www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965295-8f67f8a6-62c7

Agree with @category12 - you totally rock!

Just want to say I think you are totally amazing Seagrass. With the help of the wonderful ladies on this thread and through your own bravery you are emerging from the FOG at an impressive rate.
I will be following and cheering you on at every little step you make to take back control of your life. I think your thread will be an inspiration to many other ladies in a similar position. You're bloody fantastic.

You are doing amazingly well. Setting up new accounts he doesn't know about and can't see will help you breathe easier. Other pp have given good pointers, you don't want him to get suspicious before you're ready, but you do need to protect your finances from him. I wouldn't tell him about the meeting, you can manage without him, in fact you may well be better without him.

Thanks for your support everyone
I am feeling pretty anxious again this evening. I have to get all my things but dont have an easy opportunity to do that until next week when I know he will be out on monday for a bit. Worried about whether he will hide various documentation or decide not to go out and wait for me. I also started thinking about the last time I did this and why on earth I didn't spot the abuse again or the same feelings of being trapped. Each time, I've thought well, I will watch my money this time, or I would leave at the slightest sign of physical threats and missed the underlying patterns when the content of what was happening was different. I was quite depressed when I met DH after ex left for OW so I suppose I was not thinking very clearly and just glad of some support. Finally there are all the practical issues. I have been preoccupied by work as that is where the problems have been this week but my childcare has all kinds of difficult to fill gaps in it now as although there was an awful lot of TV and gaming, he would watch them for me on the occasions when I needed to be out and I cant see a way around that either.

He has sent further messages too so that has not helped. I have replied that I am communicating but still need some time away.

It's the old old story- if they started the way they end, we'd never commit to them.

Hang in there- some bits of this are going to be tricky. You can't resolve everything in one go. Just keep on eating that elephant one bite at a time. You don't even need to know the end result. Just the step that works right now.

Can you go collect things while he is there? You've told him you need space already.