Trivial arguments about my car

[SeagrassGreen]

My car is making unhealthy sounding noises for the last couple of weeks. DH has a mate who likes to tinker and he thinks this would be a cheaper option than taking it to a garage. Friend has no training other than kit cars are a hobby and I don't want him trying to fix my car and then live with the worry that it might not be safe or have him break it still further.

I know this sounds completely trivial. I am a bit of an anxious person about stupid things like dealing with garages so it does take me longer to do these things than most people so he is just trying to help in many ways. He thinks I am too 'uptight'.

Anyway, I declined the offer from his friend and have booked the garage but he has been grumpy for days as I will probably be a bit anxious until it's fixed and 'this will lead to an argument'. He thinks that the friend would have had a go and it would all be done by now. Then the final straw was on Monday. I had to help my mother with her shopping, she did take a long time and I was late back by about an hour. Since then he has been in full on cold shoulder. I do have a slightly difficult relationship with my mother which he knows affects me too so thinks that I should be more boundaried in my time with her to limit that effect. He also is someone who is always on time and can't understand those who are not and considers it really rude. We also are really busy with work at the moment so don't have much time together and he feels I am not prioritising our time and that he has no control over any aspect of our lives at the moment.

It is a bit hard to explain but he has really helped me over the years. I am indecisive and anxious although you would probably not guess that if you met me. He has made me do things I used to avoid but wanted to do so lots of things in my life are better. I don't have a lot of confidence and it probably means I have become quite dependent on him so when we have these arguments he will suddenly withdraw until I can coax him out of it but that can take days. Equally, maybe it is fair enough for him to withdraw for a couple of days.

The difficulty is how to manage it. It has always happened every so often and with the stress of trying to keep the business afloat recently it is happening a bit more often I think. It's so exhausting to have to manage on top of everything. I have tried telling him how it affects me but he says it is just how he is and not to worry. I wonder if I should have just got the friend to look at the car.

How have people dealt with this kind of argument?

Sounds like you've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. He's made you dependent on him, but you don't need to be! So what if you fanny about for a few days choosing a garage? I do this too with my decision making, my DH rolls his eyes sometimes, but he doesn't sulk about it. It's your car, you get to choose. Were you unhappy in your relationship with your mum before your partner pointed out she was negative? Because I'm trying to work out if she really was the problem he's made you think she is. If you think she is, you still don't need him controlling your every move. Dump him, and talk to someone about your relationship with your mum.

Thankyou for all the replies. It appears my evening efforts were 'enough'. We had a big argument and he is now sweetness and light. I feel quite numb to be honest but relieved the atmosphere has cleared. I am exhausted and have a meeting today with clients. I will try to reply back more fully later. X

Some really good advice here OP. Just keep thinking all this over.

That's how it goes with an abusive partner - cycle of nice and nasty.

You shouldn't have to spend all your energy trying to predict and appease and manage your partner's reactions.

OP - how are you doing?

Hi Dollyrocket, I'm ok, thanks for asking. Dh has gone out for the evening to the pub so I have a break for a bit. Turns out be felt his friend would be insulted I had turned down the car offer and then it had all just got out of hand. I tired to explain again how much it had hurt that he wouldn't talk to me. It didn't get very far. He did apologise and seemed really sorry but said thinks he wpuld always be willing to spend his time managing my emotional baggageso I should be a bit more supportive if he is having a bad day and be the bigger person. Apparently I knew he was like this when I married him so I knew what I was getting into. He also thinks these arguments are quite normal and that everyone argues at times. I just have an odd view of it due to my history of bad relationships. Which is always the bit I start to think he is right. What happens if this is just a normal argument and I am reading way too much into it. Is it something about me and how I view things rather than the men I choose or something wrong with the argument. Would someone a bit stronger just brush it off and not let it bother them? At the moment I feel like it might be and I will just put up with it. But still, I feel like there is another silent mark that goes down on a page inside my mind that I cant quite erase. And then I think of the day Ive had and how would I have managed if he had not been talking to me or was not there.

It's not normal to be in a relationship where you get the silent treatment.

Just been thinking about some of the other comments. I was previously in abusive or not good relationships. My first husband spent all our savings without telling me. I had been carefully buying clothes in charity shops and watching every penny everywhere I could and he threw all of that away. Turned out he had a gambling addiction and I had no idea. Second long term relationship he would throw things around the room and finally hit me so I left at that point. Then father of my kids was insanely jealous and would yell and shout and accuse me of having affairs for the slightest chat with a man. Ironically he ended up having an affair and left us.
I never thought my mum was too bad and had a happy childhood and a good relationship with her. However DH pointed out she does dominate me rather. She often gets huffy if I dont answer the phone and is constantly blowing hot and cold. She implied that exHs affair might have been my fault and spent some time encouraging me to get back with him when OW left him even when I was clear that was not what I wanted. She even met up with him without me knowing as she felt if we did get back together it was important that he did not feel the family would not welcome him back. I felt so humiliated that she had done that but she dismissed it saying she was sorry I felt that way but she felt it was the right thing to do. As a child I was always the scatty daydreamer who couldn't be trusted to remember anything. She was always amazed if someone else said something different saying she didn't recognise me from that description. It was always treated as a bit of a family joke though and there were plenty of things that were fine. I still feel like she treats me like a child whereas my sisters are always to be relied on to say the right thing or know what to do in any situation.

You see I look at that last post about my mother and it just sounds whiney and ungrateful. Perhaps this is just a few bad things that might happen in any pergectly happy family and I'm just being a bit pathetic and over sensitive about everything.

Category12 - doesnt everyone sulk sometimes? Kids alway seem to and you always seem to read about adults doing it too? At what point does it get abnormal? Why is that me ignoring him back, as some have suggested, isnt just as bad?

No, it's not normal to get the silent treatment over absolute petty nonsense.

You are being abused by HIM

Been there
It's awful
I'm so sorry x

Do you really need a sulky manchild in your life? He sounds like an idiot. Either it goes his way or he sulks? Can you imagine staying with some this unpleasant long term? Sulky re the car (your car!), sulky re you coming back late from being out with your mum, Jesus, what are you allowed to do?!

Your post was at 1.30 in the morning where you asked if you should just ignore him and you needed to sleep anyway then next post is at 9.23am and you say there was a big arguement and you sound relieved. Did he deliberately argue with you early hours of morning when you're tired and defences are low despite knowing you had meeting with a client today?

It just sounds a bit pre-meditated. He decides when he comes out of his sulk - when you have suffered enough - then sabotages your day just to flex his muscles a little bit further.

No, it's not normal to sulk to this degree as an adult. You deserve better.

You knew what he was like when you married him, but he knew you too. Why does only one of you need to change? You're not wrong, you're just you. It's ok to research garages and dither a bit (not that you did!), who does it affect except you? Why would it hurt a grown man's feelings if you decided to use a professional? Your feelings, matter too.

Yes it is very frequently in the middle of the night. I can see that I have developed a habit of being particularly careful when things are busy just in case we have an argument. Once I got cross during one of his moods and he got so angry the next day he lost us a client by being dismissive in the meeting. I really pride myself on good relationships with our very loyal customer base so it was particularly upsetting. At the time he said it didn't matter and he did have another client up his sleeve that more than filled the gap. I realise now this may have been deliberate too.

have asked him how he is every half an hour, taken him tea and food, tried to show absolutely no irritation.
Next time, as from what you've said there will be a next time, don't pander to him.
It appears my evening efforts were 'enough'. We had a big argument and he is now sweetness and light
...for the time being.
You need to carefully consider what you want from a relationship - whether that is the one with your Mum or your Husband.

At the time he said it didn't matter and he did have another client up his sleeve that more than filled the gap. I realise now this may have been deliberate too.

Christ, that's manipulative as fuck.

I do have a slightly difficult relationship with my mother

And an even more difficult relationship with your DH. Please start putting yourself first.

SmallAssassin - apparently the argument goes that you shouldnt try to change the people you love but love them for who they are. It is different for me because I want to change, so he is just helping as that's what I seem to want. He feels if i dont want to change that's fine but then dont ask for help.

I was thinking about knowing this when I married him. Our wedding was so stressful. I dont like being the centre of attention so wanted a small wedding. He said that was fine and then there were all these extra people that had to come for various reasons. By the time we all sorted it out, somehow there were only 15 from my side and over 80 from his. I felt like a guest at his family party.

So he agreed to do things the way you wanted, and went ahead and did it his way all the same.

Very much paying lip-service to respecting your wishes, but in reality bulldozing your boundaries.

I think you should think about his actions versus his words and whether they match up.

From the outside, it looks like he says the right supportive things but his behaviour completely undercuts that. Ostensibly he wants you to make a decision for yourself, but if you research it and don't decide on his timescale and the way he wants, he strops and punishes you. He agrees to the kind of wedding you want, then does what he wants. And so on.

It seems to me that both your mum and your husband treat you like a slightly incompetent child. I think their actions directly affect your own perceptions of yourself and your ability to make decisions.

You're an adult, you have the right to have your own needs and wants considered as much as anyone else. It seems you could benefit from some therapy

Ok. So I've done it again and ended up with another abusive man. I clearly send off 'abuse me' pheromones or something. Dh has finally gotten up and is complaining about his awesome hangover. What the hell do I do? I'm not sure how I can actually leave? He will go into a big depression and everything will spiral out of control. I can't manage the business and the kids and keeping myself together.