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Original poster

Found my CHEATING husband on illicit encounters

222 replies

EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 11:52

I posted a month ago about my suspicions that my husband is acting strange during covid, and constantly looking at his phone. I put it down to lockdown and all of us acting a bit differently at home without being able to socialise like before..

I feel so STUPID and distraught, at one point I even asked him outright and he just told me I was being silly. And all this time he's been on a married dating site - are you kidding me? I didn't even know these kind of places existed.

We've been together for 12 years, and I always thought our relationship is good, we're a family and have kids, I just don't know what to do at the moment.

He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what? Are you serious! He's tried to play it down and said he hasn't actually met anybody it was all just chatting to pass the time, I mean how would this make you feel?

Do I forgive him because it was all online and make him delete everything or should I be outraged? I mean if he's talking to women surely he'd want to meet some of them and maybe hasn't had any luck with corona. I just don't know right now, at the moment I've told him to stay with his brother while I sort my head out.

OP posts:
Patbutcherismyhero · 08/07/2020 11:56

You've done the right thing by asking for some space.

Has he ever done anything like this before?

In my eyes there is a difference between just 'looking' online and taking steps to meet someone. So you need to be sure what his intentions were. Was he was just looking out of boredom or was he planning to do more?

In any case he has wasted time that he could have been investing in your relationship and totally broken your trust. Whether or not you can call this cheating I don't know but it's still sleazy. Only you can decide if you can get past it.

Original poster
EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 12:08

@Patbutcherismyhero

Nope no evidence of anything like this before. I mean my husband is quite charming and a lot of women have always warmed to him with his character, he's larger than life. I've never felt jealous, as he's always made it clear that I'm the woman for him.

But in recent months he's been especially snappy, distant and cold. I think that almost hurts me more than the cheating. I agree there's a difference between looking, but he's actually been messaging women so it's a step further... I think he was looking to meet but he won't admit. I mean why else would he be messaging?

A lot to think about...

OP posts:
bettybr2020 · 08/07/2020 12:13

Sorry to hear this has happened you - I too didn't realise this type of website existed. Maybe I too should check up on my partner!

You have done the right thing by asking for space. Have you asked him if you can view the profile/see the messages?

Original poster
EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 12:15

@bettybr2020

I only found out because he left the page open on his iphone safari, and I just had this urge, after spending months ignoring warnings.

He snatched the phone off me when i tried to confront him and won't let me check anything. Wondering if I should make that a condition of us speaking.. I think I want to know

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 12:17

@bettybr2020 what makes you want to check up on yours?

OP posts:
Patbutcherismyhero · 08/07/2020 12:17

This is the danger isn't it. You will never know how far this might have gone if you hadn't found out. It's not like he will admit it. Have you seen the messages?

I really feel for you. You will get a lot of LTB comments but I know it's not always that easy, you have to weigh up everything and see it it's possible to get past it all.

Has he been apologetic at all or is he still being distant and cold? His attitude and commitment to making things right again would also be a big factor in my decision.

Original poster
EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 12:21

@Patbutcherismyhero by LTB do you mean leave the bastard? As that's the first thing to have come to mind, and actually made me chuckle through the tears.

No, not seen the messages, he said he didn't want to show then. He seemed more embarrassed and annoyed at getting caught then sorry. He's left me lots of missed calls today though, I'm rejecting them and not responding at the moment.. thank you for your kind words xx

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 08/07/2020 12:24

Do I forgive him because it was all online

I don't think so. These blokes almost always claim it was just a fantasy, they weren't looking to meet someone in the flesh, but I think that's usually bollox and people are on those sites to eventually find someone to meet and have sex with.

I think if you stay with him he'll eventually do it again on some site, but go through with it.

Patbutcherismyhero · 08/07/2020 12:30

Yes sorry, LTB is the acronym for exactly what you thought!

I know you must be really hurt and confused. FWIW I found out my dp had been doing something similar at the start of our relationship. It was to do with a certain niche thing he enjoys that I didn't even know about so it was a double shock to learn about that and find out he was messaging other women about it. I was adamant it was the end of our relationship.

However when we spoke he did reassure me that it never would have gone further it was just an outlet for a fetish he was embarrassed about and didn't feel able to talk to me about. We got through it although it took a long time and we communicate a lot better now. So it is possible but it totally depends on your circumstances and feelings.

Give yourself space and time to think through all this properly.

FranCan · 08/07/2020 12:41

@SoulofanAggron
Completely agree.

If he'd do it online he'd do it offline having had half the chance.

Dreamcheating is cheating too Grin

Lol. No but in all seriousness, this is not OK and should be treated very, very seriously. If you let him get away with it, imagine what he might do in the future? If you're going to stay with him, punish him first,

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2020 12:43

You can’t recover if he doesn’t take it seriously so I’d keep ignoring his calls.

FranCan · 08/07/2020 12:43

He snatched the phone off me when i tried to confront him and won't let me check anything. Wondering if I should make that a condition of us speaking.. I think I want to know

Yes. You have to see what has been said, otherwise you will always wonder.

Original poster
EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 12:47

@Patbutcherismyhero
Thanks for sharing that.. I know it's not all black and white, but right now struggling to see the shades of grey.

Not sure how I'm even supposed to look at him let alone talk or listen to him.

@SoulofanAggron @FranCan @timeisnotaline

Thank you all for your opinion, really need to hear and think about all sides of this to consider.. agree that now is not the time to talk but to cool down, and ignore his calls

OP posts:
Original poster
EmeliaLily · 08/07/2020 12:48

I'm just not sure how we can recover from this right now/how to forgive what next steps to take... feels like it's 12 years down the drain

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 08/07/2020 12:49

OP have you heard of "the script" - there was an old thread on this which someone may be able to link to, I advise you to read it and prepare yourself for the onslaught of bullshit, lies and minimisation that is coming your way. Seems like he has already started reciting a portion of that script.

SortingItOut · 08/07/2020 12:50

I'm on a casual sex site as a single person and the majority of men on there are married, trust me they all want to meet to have sex.

Yes it might just be chatting now but everyone wants more.
The fact he wont show you the messages means he knows you wont like it and the excuses he made were lies.

Why would you even think this is acceptable and you can get past it?

Whst is your relationship like generally?

Please respect yourself and really think about whether you deserve to be treated like this.

A poster a few weeks ago found her partner on Fabswingers, she kicked him out and ended it immediately because there can be no valid reason for being on there.

StarbucksQueen · 08/07/2020 12:51

Hi..
A friend found her husband on Illict encounters. From the digging she did, a man cannot 'just chat' for free. And from what she said the subscription was quite hefty.. He was very sneaky, and paid by postal order.
At the time it was free for women to join and create a profile - which is how her suspicions were confirmed.
This was around 3yrs ago.
Maybe their joining/subscription process has changed, but please investigate further rather than accept what he says about 'just chatting'

SortingItOut · 08/07/2020 12:51

If he let's you check his phone the messages will have gone, he will say they auto delete but they dont, he will have deleted them.

I bet hes deleted his profile so there is no trace and he'll try to persuade you that you imagined it all.

Lazydaisydaydream · 08/07/2020 12:56

I've been on online dating sites which are advertised as for singles, and I would say nearly 50% of the men are married. They are there for one thing only, and it's not a friendly chat.

I wouldn't personally be able to move past this - especially after his attitude and the fact he wouldn't show you the messages. That speaks volumes I'm afraid.

TwentyViginti · 08/07/2020 13:01

OP, how would you react if you saw your husband in the middle of town, with a huge sign round his neck saying I'M MARRIED BUT WANT TO SHAG OTHER WOMEN. Would you forgive and forget that?

Because that's what he's doing, only online.

RedRocketGirl · 08/07/2020 13:12

Hi @EmeliaLily previous comments are correct only men pay on the site and they have to subscribe to be able to send messages. Just googled it and here are the subscription prices:
4 weeks £139.99
12 weeks £259.99
Extend for 4 weeks before expiring £149.99

That's a LOT of money just to chat to someone.

Also regardless of the 'I haven't done anything it was just talk' justification absolutely doesn't do it for me - at some point he had a mental shift and actively chose to seek out attention outside of your marriage.

I know what I would do (which would be to kick him out straight away) but you need to do what is right for you.

Purplephonecover · 08/07/2020 13:15

When did he join?

notapizzaeater · 08/07/2020 13:20

I'd be kicking him out - he needs to show you his phone

ArnottsEyebrows · 08/07/2020 13:25

Ask yourself what advice you would give if someone else started this thread? That might give you your answer! Sorry you’re going through this Flowers

Fairycake2 · 08/07/2020 13:29

I think his reaction tells you a lot. If he was genuinely sorry I'd expect him to be begging for forgivness and willing to show you all messages etc. Surely if he just wanted to chat with people he didnt need to pay for a dating site? For me personally I could never trust him again so would have to kick him out. However, you've got to do whats right for you. So sorry you are going through this 💐

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