Found my CHEATING husband on illicit encounters

[EmeliaLily]

I posted a month ago about my suspicions that my husband is acting strange during covid, and constantly looking at his phone. I put it down to lockdown and all of us acting a bit differently at home without being able to socialise like before..

I feel so STUPID and distraught, at one point I even asked him outright and he just told me I was being silly. And all this time he's been on a married dating site - are you kidding me? I didn't even know these kind of places existed.

We've been together for 12 years, and I always thought our relationship is good, we're a family and have kids, I just don't know what to do at the moment.

He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what? Are you serious! He's tried to play it down and said he hasn't actually met anybody it was all just chatting to pass the time, I mean how would this make you feel?

Do I forgive him because it was all online and make him delete everything or should I be outraged? I mean if he's talking to women surely he'd want to meet some of them and maybe hasn't had any luck with corona. I just don't know right now, at the moment I've told him to stay with his brother while I sort my head out.

And - btw - I am sure my old account still exists. If you want I can try to look up his profile - see what he said on it

She can join herself for free to find this. It will be easier for her to spot her husband there than someone else.

I agree with PP, this has probably been going on for some time. I can’t imagine he would have set this up at a time when everything was shutting down. It doesn’t make sense. They nearly always deny they met anyone and say they were ‘just looking’ as if that makes it any better! The point is he was looking. If he had no intentions of being unfaithful, why would he ‘be looking‘? Even if it’s not led to anything yet, it was only because he was caught. The fact that he has actually been paying for this tells you it’s not just messaging! No one pays that sort of money for ‘a chat’. The fact that he grabbed the phone and has refused to show you the messages says it all in my mind. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to guess what was in those messages. I worked with a woman who showed me texts she was getting from the husband of a colleague. His wife also worked with us and was actually a beautiful woman. They were utterly vile. Detailed descriptions of what her wanted to do to her in private. If I hadn’t seen them for myself I could never have imagined that guy could have written them. If it was me I couldn’t have continued a marriage after seeing those messages. Even if he could show you the messages OP, do you really want to see them? You can’t unsee them. I say all of this OP because I’ve been there and he followed the script too. I wasted 26 years!

Read ‘the script‘ OP and expect him to follow it. Expect him to lie and deny. Ask him for his bank statements. Get an STD check. In my mind, this is a form of abuse because it puts your health at risk and Denies you the reality of your life. Someone else doesn’t get the right to decide what you can and cannot know about your life. Take back control OP.

@MotherofTerriers

TBH I wouldn't tell him that you know about the payments in January. Better that he doesn't know what you know I'd email when you've had time to think and process, and tell him that he has one chance and one chance only to be honest with you - to tell you when he joined the site, when and who he met etc. Then see what he comes back with. If he sticks to saying he joined in lockdown you know its all lies. If he fesses up to the January payment, then tell him you want access to his phone to check, and if he has deleted his account, to restore it so you can see. Whether he is unhappy in your marriage or not can wait till much later

definitely this and yes of course you want answers

good luck

@EpilepsyMum4

OP it is extremely likely this is only the tip of an iceberg. This behaviour doesn’t come from no where. You don’t just suddenly go from 100% faithful to chucking money at a website aimed at those who are married.

Whatever happens here, whatever he says, it won’t be the full book

I'd be wondering about other activity from before the January payment. Had he tried other sites first?

I wouldn't be bothering about how he viewed the marriage just yet, he's all too likely to put the blame on OP, in order to justify spending nearly £500 on a hook-up site.

EmeliaLily what a shitty thing to do to your family. I’m not sorry you found out though, because you deserve to live a truthful life, and unfortunately that’s not with your husband.

because it’s an awful thing to realise.

I understand your questions, but I think the most important ones are missing.

1. What is lacking in him, that he would do this?
2. Just how entitled is he to believe he’s due your monogamy, support, wife work, care, while he lies and cheats?
3. If you’re willing to entertain staying together, what is he going to do to fix this?
4. He’s already failed at complete transparency so what will he do to earn your trust?

Honestly - if was me, I’d stay. But only long enough to get myself in a better position to end the relationship. And no, I wouldn’t share the second part of that with him.

LTB doesn’t have to mean tomorrow. Make sure you are in the best place for you.

Reattach your head. Of course this is cheating and even if he hasn't met anyone (which I seriously doubt) you simply don't go on dating sites, which are especially aimed at cheating partners, to chat to other people. It's beyond ridiculous as an excuse. I suspect the recent unpleasantness to you is boredom with the marriage and looking to find fault with you, to justify his hair actions.

'Hair'?

Be prepared to be lied to ☹️

Men will always lie to Q2 it there is no proof.

There are 1.4m members on that site. Quite a number that isn’t it. I guess most people go for a mooch rather than to pay but even so. It just shows how many people are prepared to do things behind their partners backs. Fabswingers is the same. The vast majority of men on there don’t have a face pic which says everything

Sorry, skipped a page and missed your last update! It’s moved on a bit.

I can’t believe he used your joint account to pay for this! The mind boggles! So essentially you’ve contributed financially to his shenanigans! The balls of these men is staggering.

You are still in the early stages and still in shock so need answers. I understand that because I was the same. I needed to know why. It’s a tortuous stage. The problem with asking those questions is they give him the opportunity to play the victim and turn it around on you. If he wasn’t satisfied in his marriage he had a duty to sit you down and talk to you and give you the chance to work with him to make it better. He didn’t! And didn’t because his marriage wasn’t the problem. He was. He chose to sign up to a illicit sex site. He was fully intending to have his marriage and extra-marital sex, denying you the right to know what was really going on in your world. There’s no getting away from that fact OP. That’s the bit I couldn’t get passed. When my ex gave me all his ‘reasons’, all I could think was ‘these are all the reasons you would have spoken to me to rescue the marriage’. He wanted the security of his marriage but the secret life of a single man. That’s when it really dawned on me that the reasons didn’t matter. He had choices and he chose to screw around. That was the end for me. You need to go through the stages of grief OP. You will grieve for the end of your life as you knew it (albeit an illusion). You will be angry etc. I strongly advise you to get individual counselling (not couples) and use the joint account for it! You will need good impartial support through this. I did and it was the best thing I ever did. I came out of it all with a whole new perspective on life, relationships etc. Ten years on I’m remarried and it’s a totally different dynamic. It was a long and painful road but I’m in a much happier place now. Good luck OP. I hope you can find happiness again, whatever choice you make.

I tried to join for some reason just to see the payment stuff for OP, so I filled in the form 'as a man.' I had problems getting the online signup form to work, it kept saying my password wasn't acceptable.

So IDK if they've disabled new sign ups due to corona, the form is broken, or it's my ADHD.

Just saying this in case OP/anyone is thinking of signing up to have a look.

I've missed a few of the comments but I have just tried to sign up and OMG - £139.99

That's a pretty nice date night

I too have recently found my partner cheating, I only seemed to notice during lockdown. The same as you secretive with his phone, acting different so I took the bull by it’s horns and asked a woman I suspected to which she told me he got ‘fucked out’. He obviously denied and denied but it’s clear. I can’t believe there’s sites designed for cheating spouses it’s just so wrong!

I think its good to have questions written down. I believe someone has already posted a link to the cheaters script. It would be really useful to have that at hand when he spouts stuff off and you can go down the list and tick each thing he has said. As for the questions, he knows he has been cornered. You are taking a break from him right now so he will be coming up with all sorts of excuses in his head and many may be lies. I am shocked at how much a month this site is.....and to think he took it out your joint account several times.....well, I have no words for that at all. You must be feeling so shocked and devastated by this I cannot imagine. I don't think this has been a one off, there may well be a secret history going on for sometime with this behaviour for sure. I doubt, sadly, he will admit to anything fully at the moment. He is in damage limitation mode and will say and do anything to get back to the status quo....you know, the one where you are the happily married wife doing all the chores and lovely stuff to make his home nice when he is at home and he can go behind your back quite merrily to hook up with other women. I am furious for you OP and would quite happily bop him on the nose for you.

If he insists he explains in person then record it in your phone.
Does he use WhatsApp? If so you can clone his account and see all his previous and current correspondence- in real time. I don't know how but I'm sure someone on here will know.

Also, if he uses Google and/or has an android phone then you can see all his activity by logging into that, including his locations. What he's searched, where he's been, what apps he has, his photos... though he may have made an alternative a/c.

Sabotaging a relationship is a thing. My now exH openly admitted that he had sabotaged our relationship while having an affair "to make it easier to leave"

Thanks so so much all of you for all the advice, I honestly don't know what I would have done without this love and support. Just reading through all of your messages makes me feel a bit more powerful and sane. Also, the script link - wow this is so, so, so accurate!!!

We'll see what he has to say for himself when I send him my list of questions. Will keep you all up to date.. x

So sorry you're going through this op. It's the emotional betrayal that I'd struggle with. The months of lying, doing something he knows is wrong, and treating you really badly to justify his behaviour. It's simply not something a loving partner does.

He's lonely, oh 'boo hoo' him and his little cotton socks. Go and get a hobby you knob, and not one that involves being a dirty perv and cheating on your wife! Maybe crochet next time eh

If the lockdown made him join an online dating site, will that suggest he’d been up to no good , even prior to lockdown , which made it nigh impossible to see his dates ?

I'd also send him an email, the first part would say 'you have this one chance to be honest with me, I know the answers to these questions, if I know, or find out you're lying the marriage will definitely be over'

Did you pay to use the site
When did you first join
Have you met up with anyone
Etc etc

That then gives him an indication you know more than you are letting in.

I agree with points made by @ilikemethewayiam and @ItsLateHumpty.

He will be eager to cast blame. I wouldn’t give him the opportunity. He and he alone is responsible for his unethical choices. If he had any issues with the marriage, he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with them. He chose infidelity. This is not about anything you did or didn’t do. This is about his selfishness, weak boundaries, and sense of entitlement to chase illicit sex/ego boosts.

True remorse and commitment to restoring trust would include: acknowledgment of responsibility; open access to all devices, statements, etc.; willingness to answer all questions and accept your anger/tears; working on himself in counseling.

Frankly, I think he’s a bad bet. When you previously gave him the opportunity to come clean and discuss your relationship, he dismissed you, denied and deflected. His priority was chasing these women. The fact that he was cheating right in front of you and the children and then lied and minimized on discovery shows his massive selfishness and disrespect. He sounds like the type to get a second phone to resume his wrongdoing.

If I'm honest, OP, I wouldn't trust a word that comes out of his mouth after he's done this.

He's already proved how capable he is of lying. He's been lying for 6 months - what more do you need?

He's the one who will destroy your family - not you.

OP I'm in the exact same position- I found out about a month ago. He lied through his teeth to me and I've just found out more stuff. Before that I was considering trying again but it's so bad I just can't. He's ruined it all you need to Ltb

@cataclysmiclife
I remember your thread when he said he was just chatting and messaging prostitutes, have you found out hes been meeting them?

I'm so sorry things have got worse

@SortingItOut yes I found more stuff as got access to his laptop it's quite extensive. I truely thought he would never do anything like that. We are now separating and he moved out at the end of the month. The best piece of advice I was given was don't go all hysterical and shouty as you have to live together for a while. I've been very calm and collected and I'm just think about my children and how to get the best for them. Keeping it amicable has made a lot of difference to me.

Also have a look on Fab Swingers. There is another thread on here about that. He may have started on there before moving to the paid site.

As someone else mentioned Kik is popular with people like your husband.

Good luck and don't take anymore crap.