Found my CHEATING husband on illicit encounters

[EmeliaLily]

I posted a month ago about my suspicions that my husband is acting strange during covid, and constantly looking at his phone. I put it down to lockdown and all of us acting a bit differently at home without being able to socialise like before..

I feel so STUPID and distraught, at one point I even asked him outright and he just told me I was being silly. And all this time he's been on a married dating site - are you kidding me? I didn't even know these kind of places existed.

We've been together for 12 years, and I always thought our relationship is good, we're a family and have kids, I just don't know what to do at the moment.

He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what? Are you serious! He's tried to play it down and said he hasn't actually met anybody it was all just chatting to pass the time, I mean how would this make you feel?

Do I forgive him because it was all online and make him delete everything or should I be outraged? I mean if he's talking to women surely he'd want to meet some of them and maybe hasn't had any luck with corona. I just don't know right now, at the moment I've told him to stay with his brother while I sort my head out.

@justanotherone123 yes, I found kik messages, Adultworks and sugar daddy sites as well as prostitutes on Craigslist (who knew?!)

@cataclysmiclife
I'm so sorry to hear about that, it is honestly the ones you would least expect.

And unfortunately it goes to show that men will only admit to what they think they can get away with.

Did he say why he did it ?
(Not that it really matters as you split up but just wondered what excuse he gave)

My ex had emotional affairs for an ego boost and thought I should just put up with it

I think a fair old few men aren’t remotely unhappy in their marriage , they just like the chase , ego boost and feel of ‘new’ , maybe some of the women do too , although I get the feeling with women a lot more genuinely aren’t happy . To be honest OP and I hate to say it but he can do and say all the right things , grovel and be sorry down to his toes, but do you feel you can actually look at him the same way again? If you do stay, keep your wits about you, give it a year and then really reassess how you feel.

@SortingItOut he was bored in lockdown, just did it for kicks blah blah. In all honesty the reasons don't matter to me - what he's done makes me physically sick 🤢

@EmeliaLily He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what?

This jumped out at me straight away. To me that says he's had/been having an affair at work and it's ended thanks to covid so he's done this instead. I know he's been on it since pre lockdown but it really struck me he would say this.

And there is NO WAY anyone pays for 3 subscriptions if they are not getting shags. You would do your first 3 months then if it was all men and you were having no luck you would leave. You don't pay £130 for a few months dating unless you are getting EXACTLY what you want when there is tinder, dozens of other free sites, or even hookers.

He clearly wants no strings and it wouldn't surprise me if that was in addition to a 'work fling' which may have got complicated. So now he's sworn off single women and coughing up pretty big dosh in the dating world to avoid getting caught.

But equally he wasn't really very careful either. As some have said it is totally a thing to get 'caught' so they can get out. Or subconsciously they just can't hide it any more - it's too stressful.

@cataclysmiclife

The reason my ex cheated on me didnt matter either, its the lack of respect.

I dont understand why in lockdown bored men searched for sex, I just ate all the food in the house when I was bored!!

I'd ask him this question: how can you feel lonely when we're together at home? Your spouse is supposed to be your favourite person. You married me because you wanted to spend your life with me. You are supposed to WANT to spend time with me. How can you be 'lonely' with your WIFE?

And, if you wanted to pass time just chatting, why didn't you chat to ME? Lockdown could have brought us closer together, I would have thought you would have enjoyed being home and spending time with ME.

I am so sorry OP.

I suspect you need to be asking yourself questions:

1. If, in the early days of dating, you (now) had come back from the future and told Young You exactly what was going to happen, what then?

2. If, today, you had a sudden windfall of money and discover a posse of lovely, kind, attractive single men saying, "Let me know if you ever end up single and I'll take you out to dinner before you can say 'socially distanced gastro pub'" - what then?

You don't have to answer here, they're just one way of getting a bit of extra perspective. Although obvs I think you're selling yourself short if you stay.

I'm so sorry. I have been where you are. Did you send him that list of questions? I know right now you are desperate to know the answers, but trust me he will just lie lie and lie some more to save his own lying arse. Even if he gives you positive answers to those questions (like if he answers 'yes' to does he regret it - will you even believe him anyway?

I caught my husband on fabswingers back in October. Feel free to search my username and you should find my thread about it. I was utterly heartbroken and like you I threw him out at first. It really jumped out at me that your husband used the excuse of being lonely out of work because that's almost word for word the excuse my husband used except his was he was lonely AT work and he had low self esteem so it was a confidence boost. Of course he said the same stuff as yours - he would never have met anyone etc etc. Actually while I'm thinking of it - check fabswingers, it's likely if he's paid for membership he'll have probably joined fabswingers too as it's free.

I'm nearly 9 months on and to be quite honest with you, I hate my life and I'm miserable. He begged for forgiveness, said he'd do anything to make it up to me and get the trust back, but 9 times out of 10 they won't. There's probably the odd bloke out there who is genuinely remorseful and really does want to fix things and make sure it never happens again but trust me they are rare, my husband isn't one of them. I've kidded myself for months that I'm happy, I do go through stages where I'm ok and I feel like I trust him more but deep down the doubts never really go away. And the 'effort' and 'remorse' gets less and less, and we've now reached a point where we've had blazing rows and he's said 'when are you going to get over it and stop having a stick up your arse about it all'. So yeah, that's nice.

This has all literally been in the last few days for me and I am utterly heartbroken all over again that I have made all this effort and damaged my mental health trying to make my marriage work when he generally just doesn't give a fuck really. I've prolonged the agony. If I'd not let him come back all those months ago and stuck to my decision to split, I'd probably in a pretty ok/good place now and getting on with my life.

Sorry to be so negative. You will get lots of different replies and opinions, only you can decide what to do for the best and if you do want to try to forgive him then big respect to you and I only hope it goes better than it did for me. (Please do feel free to PM me on here if you want to). I've been with my husband nearly 20 years, we have two kids and I thought we were happy and had a nice life and I just don't know how it ever got to this point, but I've realised I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if my husband really does love me or is he back on sites trying to fuck other women. I'm better than that.

Good luck and please keep us updated if you can xx

He seemed more embarrassed and annoyed at getting caught then sorry

Fucking hell his arse wouldn't touch the floor.

I don't think for a second you will get any honest answers out if him OP but it might be nice for you to see pathetic maggot squirm.

What a loser.

You're right to be angry.

I know men in his shoes say ''it was just fun, it was all on line'' but in some ways, it's worse than falling for one person in real life. I mean, nobody wants their partner to fall for somebody else, but its a human connection. there is just something so entitled, so bored, so dissatisfied about setting out to have extra marital sex, not with anybody in particular, just a plan to have it with somebody, see who presents themself.

I find that worse than a fling with a person in real life, you know?. The dissatisfaction he had for your marriage. That'd be a huge turn off.

Just leave op, seriously. It doesn’t get better from this.

Having been in this situation I can say that forgiving them is giving them the green light to continue this type of thing. It shows that a bit of bullshit and sweet talk will win you round. I should have ended things the first time but I tried to make it work, especially for my kids. If you do decide to stay together it needs to be on the strict understanding that if it ever happens again you are gone. And really mean it.

Yep been there too. So many of us, it’s depressing. I stayed mainly because I thought - he’s doing this to avoid all responsibility to his family and our child. And he seemed so remorseful. He was at the time, when faced with it, however over time he justified it to himself again and again.

At first he didn’t have to justify it as it was secret. But when it came out, that is when he had to face it, and he started to spin excuses on the spot - saying that ‘it was just a habit as he was so shy before dating... ‘ or ‘when I left to see my relations he was lonely’. And once he’d actually got found out, I believe he got even worse as that fear was now gone.

What i surmised from the men I met on IE - many are there because their marriages had gone stale or were unhappy and they were missing human interaction. Some (few) have good marriages and just want to play around. Yes because of course there's no other option but to shag someone else I see you've mentioned waiting until the kids grow up to leave but shagging other people behind your partners back. Some people have no moral compass. They could choose to be honest and actually communicate with their partner but apparently that's too difficult. I imagine many things are difficult when you're a coward.

If you're unhappy in your relationship for any reason and you've communicated that but nothing's changed/you're still unhappy then just leave. Don't cause someone pain (the pain is often physical as well) and potential mental trauma by cheating on them. It caused me anxiety which has stayed with me. And before the pp blames me, we had sex every day or at least every other day, we had fun, I thought we were in love and had a good life. My crime? Going on a week's holiday with my (female) friends. He didn't want me to go but I did as I've been in controlling relationships before and I was young and hadn't had a holiday before. He wanted to punish me for it and kept seeing her behind my back but gaslighted me. I got out of the relationship and he sacked her off and attempted to get me back. She turned up to my work with a knife!

OP I'm so sorry you're in this position. For me just being signed up to a site like that would be the end. I have children but had ensured I could be a single parent (I have done before so have always kept my financial independence). Just because you have children doesn't mean you have to live a life of misery or be in a relationship knowing your partner is happy to cause you such pain.

However that isn't the case for everyone and some people want to try and make it work. You choose what is right for you. Not for your friends or people on here or your wider family or anyone else. I choose to believe that people who go around shitting on everyone else and having no regard for their feelings will get what's coming to them in time. For me the best revenge was living as well and as happily as I could. He hated it.

I really wish you the best of luck and every happiness in the world

What i surmised from the men I met on IE - many are there because their marriages had gone stale or were unhappy and they were missing human interaction. Some (few) have good marriages and just want to play around.

Most cheaters have good marriages and like to play around. They are also very good at putting out the lies to get other people hooked.

MulticolourMophead I completely agree based on the relationships of my friends/family/colleagues.

Sadly he won't tell you the truth. My xh did the same, lied, begged to renew our marriage vows, it was all nonsense. 6 months after our divorce I was still finding out the scale of his deceit. It's not even a year since the divorce and I don't miss him. Life is calm and peaceful and I don't have to worry if he's on fabswingers, Craigslist, Kik and the hundreds of other sites they can access. You will be much happier without him, this part is horrendous

@WaterOffADucksCrack bloody hell! She turned up at your work with a knife?! That is scary. You poor thing.

I agree that anyone who says that they magically ‘know’ the reason married men are on IE and it is because they have loveless marriages or whatever is spouting utter rubbish. There is a lot of evidence that particularly men cheat because of entitlement and ego.

My Ex cheated when we were having sex almost every day, it was amazing sex, he was so into me, and we had a good relationship where I was also looking after his older kids, my step kids (looking back so he could go out and shag other women... yuk!). He was saying he loved me. But looking back I remember it was a very confusing and painful time - as I knew we were good and okay, but suddenly almost of out of nowhere he would turn a small thing into a huge argument, have a go at me, and tell me we weren’t good for each other and maybe we should ‘take time apart’. Which I agreed to if he wanted to, but somehow he never ended up actually moving out, he just ‘went off’ out for a bit ‘to clear his head ‘ or away for a weekend ‘because he just never went anywhere and just worked all the time’ whereas I apparently went away ‘whenever I felt like it’ (yes with the kids, without him, feeling worried and lonely).

I know now that his guilt was making him make up arguments, so that he would feel less guilty about shagging other women. These pseudo justifications were almost more damaging than when I found out about the affairs - at least then I realised I wasn’t going mad.

At the time I thought I was losing it, we were a really good couple, and yet I felt like he was deliberately pushing me away whenever he wanted and I had no idea why. As there was no explanation. He once had a massive fight with me when I suggested that we go out together for a night out in our nearest city! I was left so sad and heartbroken really. Him going off out on his own instead, saying how dare I suggest it etc... just why? Now I know. It was too public. He’d told everyone we were really unhappy and it didn’t suit his image, and he was scared he’d be seen.

By the way what is Kik? Ex was on this and I have no idea what it is?

I found my ex on Fab Swingers, he also had an Adultwork account, Kik and was on god knows how many other sites. I stayed with him afterwards and it was hell. The trust had gone. Like most of these arseholes he begged forgiveness and change but soon reverted into being a twat again. He blamed me for his going on Fab Swingers, what a prick. We had sex all the time, amazing chemistry etc. He was just a filthy little pervert with entitlement and a huge ego.
In my opinion once they’ve done this there is no going back. Your DH will for sure have met up with someone or had phone/FaceTime sex - he will be lying if he says he hasn’t. Get rid of the idiot - he won’t change.

@SummerCherry thank goodness he is an ex. Kik allows men to move off whichever platform they are using to hook up and still remain anonymous as Kik uses usernames rather than numbers, so cheats use it because they can arrange to meet without giving out their name or number. I think messages delete too in case they forget, their tracks are covered easier. Also look out for a secret calculator app they can save messages and photos to, I checked his phone and he was on calculator all the time so I suspect this, although in any new relationship if I ever have to check a phone again I'm going. That part was horrendous too

@TwentyViginti love how you got to the point of the matter. Wish I could have articulated it like this first!
OP, I found out that my husband cheated on me In a similar way, a stray message.
He denied at first but I didn’t buy the ‘script’ about it being a fantasy. I did some digging and found more incriminating evidence. Did not tell him what I knew exactly but told him to stop BS me and tell the truth and to give me full access to his phone, Apple ID, the lot. Long story and a lot of counselling for me but he did do everything I asked and more and I could tell he was genuinely sorry for the damage he’d done.
So your DH not playing ball and giving access to his phone is a big red flag. He is a) definitely hiding stuff and b) not sorry for what he has done, these just no remorse at all.
For there to be a reconciliation, there needs to be a full disclosure, true remorse and he needs to make it up to you too. And even with all these boxes ticked, you will never be free if wondering what he’s up to. I know because I stayed and almost 2 years on I still get flashbacks and feel hurt as there was no reason for him to cheat.
I’ve found this forum brilliant at getting perspectives, even if the majority sways towards the LTB option. It’s not always that straightforward.
Also, from the research I’ve done on infidelity, it’s most of the time nothing to do with you (just in case you’re beating yourself for not being fit/thin/clever/caring enough); it’s about what the cheater is missing in the relationship is excitement so they look for an adrenaline hit.
It took me 6 months to process what had happened so take your time in deciding what’s best for YOU. Lots of things to consider. Make the best move for YOU; there’s no shame in staying with him for now if it fits with what YOU need at this moment in time it if you’re undecided.
There may be kids to consider or financially it’s better for you to stay. For now. You need to have a clear head to decide, you are not in that place atm. Basically, be calculated- as that’s what he did looking out for his next thrill. There’s nothing to say that you cannot leave him later, once it’s more convenient for YOU or your kids. Ie once they’ve all done their A levels.
Remember: you don’t nee a reason to leave him, there’s no need to wait for him to slip up again if you decide to stay but a year, two or ten down the line you decide you want out.
You can leave purely because you no longer want to be with him. End of.
And it may be that things will work out between the two of you and it was a one-off and you’ll be glad that you stuck with him.
So take your time and, to paraphrase the beloved’LTB’ phrase: STB (Screw The Bastard).

Also, from the research I’ve done on infidelity, it’s most of the time nothing to do with you (just in case you’re beating yourself for not being fit/thin/clever/caring enough); it’s about what the cheater is missing in the relationship is excitement so they look for an adrenaline hit.

I really, really can’t stress this enough either. Someone who cheats is actively deceiving so it is NOT about us - the victims of it.

I turned to Relate counseling (on my own) who tried to tell me that my DP obviously ‘couldn’t have been happy with me’ especially sexually if he was cheating... For example I’d say to them that we were having a good sex life and I couldn’t understand it - and the counsellor responded with ‘But you don’t know that, you assume that it was good... ‘ etc same with love ‘How do you know you were providing him with that he needed’

Absolutely awful and at the time it really badly affected me - my own self esteem dropped to the floor.

Kik allows men to move off whichever platform they are using to hook up and still remain anonymous as Kik uses usernames rather than numbers, so cheats use it because they can arrange to meet without giving out their name or number. Gosh that’s horrible. I didn’t know this. Why would any middle age man have Kik on his phone?

Ex turned out to be a complete predator. Honestly he had 100s of women’s numbers - 100s! How the hell did he get them all... it’s mind boggling. And on the outside he’s a well respected, highly paid, kind family man. It’s actually quite chilling when you think about it.