Found my CHEATING husband on illicit encounters

[EmeliaLily]

I posted a month ago about my suspicions that my husband is acting strange during covid, and constantly looking at his phone. I put it down to lockdown and all of us acting a bit differently at home without being able to socialise like before..

I feel so STUPID and distraught, at one point I even asked him outright and he just told me I was being silly. And all this time he's been on a married dating site - are you kidding me? I didn't even know these kind of places existed.

We've been together for 12 years, and I always thought our relationship is good, we're a family and have kids, I just don't know what to do at the moment.

He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what? Are you serious! He's tried to play it down and said he hasn't actually met anybody it was all just chatting to pass the time, I mean how would this make you feel?

Do I forgive him because it was all online and make him delete everything or should I be outraged? I mean if he's talking to women surely he'd want to meet some of them and maybe hasn't had any luck with corona. I just don't know right now, at the moment I've told him to stay with his brother while I sort my head out.

Hey Everyone!!

I wanted to say a HUGE thank you for all the support and love and kind words I have received here, it has been a pretty tough road the last few weeks.

I wanted to post an update, hoping to receive some more words of inspiration and encouragement, and hopefully to reach out to some women here too and show that things will and do eventually get better.

I've left my husband. He lied through his TEETH about EVERYTHING, and I also uncovered that not only has he been cheating on illicit encounters, since JANUARY, he has met up with women, he has had sex with them, AND to make matters worse, he's done it in OUR HOUSE, in OUR BED - when me and the kids were away visiting family in Scotland in February.

I've got through the crying, the rage, and he's not been back in the family home. He's only just had the kids over the weekend, and we are working on a way to co-parent as despite all our problems, he remains a good father.

I think this is a fresh start for me and having time to reflect, he really wasn't the best husband. He didn't just cheat on me with women, he cheated me out of a lot more - he was distant and cold most of this year, and really before that he was a bit of a narcissist and a user, world revolves around me kind of man.

I thought I wanted that, I thought I wanted someone to dote on. But really all doting on someone did for me is make me codependent, and not work on myself and what I want, made me lose tough with my wants and needs, feel less confident and attractive.

I'm taking a good hard long break from men, but actually the prospect of being single after 12 years, is kind of exciting.

Any advice about divorce would be really helpful. Thanks again everyone xx Love Emelia

Thanks for all the words of wisdom, and some laughs along the way!

Go and get a hobby you knob, and not one that involves being a dirty perv and cheating on your wife! Maybe crochet next time eh @BurtsBeesKnees

Yes because of course there's no other option but to shag someone else @WaterOffADucksCrack - great username btw! although omg I cannot believe She turned up to my work with a knife! - that is terrifying!!!!

@yesterdaystotalsteps123 6 months after our divorce I was still finding out the scale of his deceit. - totally feel this and it's only been a couple of weeks! When the lid is off, everythings out!

@Bengal12 thank you for all your advice

Nice to hear you sounding so strong & positive op. Did he reveal that in the email response then? Was that a good method of extracting the truth?

Oh blimey, that's some update. I'm glad you've found out the truth, and that you've had the courage and conviction to know that you're worth better.

Onwards and upwards, your future is already far brighter

You sound really wise and positive! Glad it was so immediately clear to you that you deserved better. You will grow so much over the next year. It will be exciting.

YOU GO GIRL 🔥

What a good role model you will be for your children on setting boundaries on how you should be treated, both as a person, and in a relationship.

You are a fucking Queen! I’m so pleased for you that you had the strength to leave and love yourself enough to work towards the life you deserve.

Welcome to the club - you’re going to love it, I promise.

Well done, OP! That's amazing. So happy for you that you have left this disgusting cheat & user.

Wow! You are one strong lady!!

Now for the divorce and a new life for you. What a lot of (soon to be) expensive series of disgusting mistakes he has made.

My advice is to save money on solicitors and go for financial mediation instead. Make sure you have all the financial info you can on him beforehand. He is obliged to come clean and they ask for proof but make sure he gives them everything. Some wankers have separate pensions and savings etc.

Way to GO @EmeliaLily!! What a positive example you are being to your children. 🌹

If he wanted to chat there is a gazillion sites that he can go on to do that. It's interesting he decided to specifically chat to married women looking to have a fling.

He is a lying piece of shit.

Apologies guilty of not RTFT.

Am so pleased you have let him go. What a deceptive, despicable man.

I think you are right to feel excited about your future. Such a fabulous update and well done for knowing your worth. Just awesome!!!

Well done! It seems you have a slight form of closure. Onwards and upwards now.

I wish you all the best. please keep us all posted x

@IveGotFrills

Nice to hear you sounding so strong & positive op. Did he reveal that in the email response then? Was that a good method of extracting the truth?

Hi @IveGotFrills Thanks so much

Terrified of dating again though hahahah how do you do that!! I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but I can imagine me flirting would not be a walk in the park

@PenelopePitstop49 thank you for your kindness! I do hope so, perhaps it's time for me to have my and eat it !

@KetoIFWinnie Just trying to maintain a semblance of normality right now! Fake it till you make it :P

@Namechange21212121
You are a fucking Queen! this is so sweet - we are ALL queens!!

I am still outraged about all of his friends knowing. It's tough because some of them are really familiar and close to our family and the kids love them. But I think I'll have to cut out all of his friends/associations, at least on my part.

It's vile that they covered this all up for so long.

Well done from me. You took firm, decisive action which is what is needed and what many of us have struggled with in the past. Focus on you and your kids. Men like this are a type. They want the family man mask and all the home comforts and they want to cheat. While you are focusing on you and living your best life, he will be squirming away on dating sites looking for the next mask. Because random shagging as a single man is not what they want. Good luck and prepare for the hoovering phase. Mine asked me to renew our vows, move house and start again. I said NO

Mine asked me to renew our vows, move house and start again. I said NO - well done for standing your ground! Proud and in awe of you

OP here:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/mediation-to-help-you-separate/

It’s a LOT cheaper than solely using a solicitor. Everything gets sorted in mediation, money, kids etc, then the solicitor legally formalises it. It does mean you have to spend time with Ex during the meetings but it’s so worth it. The mediator will suggest things if one is being completely unfair - and in actual fact it will shame your ex as he’ll have to sit there while his dirty disgusting laundry is aired.

My life. What a bag o' wank. Lucky you to be well rid of such a horrible husband.

I found wikivorce invaluable years ago when I was in the throes of divorce/contact. The support forum was amazing. I got a lot of solid advice there.
divorce.wikivorce.com/forum-index

Also OP, you are bound to be feeling sick about his friends and others knowing everything - but they are all bottom feeders. You are classy, strong and have integrity. It’s shown them all up for who they are. Walk away with your head held high, you’ve escaped the shit with dignity.

omg this is so helpful thank you! @Buggedandconfused

Well you certainly sound strong op. I'm sure you'll have your ups & downs but it's inspiring. Men covering up for one another is despicable.

There is a thread on here called Daters Gonna Date that will give you an idea of what it's like out there. I'd maybe build some resistance first.

this is also golden, cheers divorce.wikivorce.com/forum-index

@TheVanguardSix

I wouldn't worry about friends and family. They aren't true friends if they couldn't tell you the truth. Maybe your family thought they were protecting you?