Found my CHEATING husband on illicit encounters

[EmeliaLily]

I posted a month ago about my suspicions that my husband is acting strange during covid, and constantly looking at his phone. I put it down to lockdown and all of us acting a bit differently at home without being able to socialise like before..

I feel so STUPID and distraught, at one point I even asked him outright and he just told me I was being silly. And all this time he's been on a married dating site - are you kidding me? I didn't even know these kind of places existed.

We've been together for 12 years, and I always thought our relationship is good, we're a family and have kids, I just don't know what to do at the moment.

He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what? Are you serious! He's tried to play it down and said he hasn't actually met anybody it was all just chatting to pass the time, I mean how would this make you feel?

Do I forgive him because it was all online and make him delete everything or should I be outraged? I mean if he's talking to women surely he'd want to meet some of them and maybe hasn't had any luck with corona. I just don't know right now, at the moment I've told him to stay with his brother while I sort my head out.

I'd be getting an STD test pronto, and kicking his sorry arse out of the door.

Wow, I never even thought that far ahead! I'm feeling a little better now the shock has worn off a little. Feeling numb, but weirdly in control. Haven't answered any of his calls have just gone silent right now.

Kids are in bed, and I'm having a chilled glass of wine, not sure how I will sleep tonight, have a lot of energy, I thought it would be the upset - feeling really worn out. It's been a crazy day

@PenelopePitstop49

5* reviews from users who claim it has saved their marriages.

Unbelievable isn't it!

@Jsku

I'm not here to judge anyone's personal situation, and I do appreciate some of the sound advice that you have to offer.

Although I must admit I am a bit astonished at the blasé attitude to using such a site.. the pain and suffering it causes to a spouse is indescribable. I don't know how anyone could cheat on their partner like this, least of all with somebody else that is married.

@Vik81

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am so terrible sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It must've been devastating. I'm pleased to hear that you have recovered from this, and it's given me a bit of hope, thank you

This could have been going on well before lockdown. With kids, busy work and family life, that constant white noise in the background and you might not have picked up those signs in the past especially if he was away from home some 15 hours or so each working day. The moment all that came to a juddering halt, does not coincide with a need to suddenly join a shagging site. I am sceptical of his explanation, sorry, and he should damn well show you those messages and give you his password to the site.

Yep I agree with the poster above, I have a feeling this has been going on a lot longer than you'd realise it's just lock down made it more obvious.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is so awful. But in a way the fact that he has paid to cheat on you and destroy his marriage shows his level of disrespect and willingness to hide things from you. He is essentially paying for sex, I'm not sure I could ever forgive this. But at the same time if you can get to the bottom of why he did what he did, and he is totally honest then maybe...but I think it'd be extremely hard to get over.

Pretty poor timing on his part to "join a few weeks into lockdown", what a waste of money. It's hardly an essential journey. I wouldn't believe a word he says. That site has been going on for years.

I feel for you OP, it’s such a sinking feeling when you realise your partner isn’t quite what you thought, I suspect too that this may well just be an ego buzz at a depressing time, but it’s not ok and shows there is a deceptive streak in there somewhere . I personally would end things but you won’t be the first or last to stay for so many reasons- bear in mind though it’s likely you will never feel quite the same about him

But in recent months he’s been especially snappy, distant and cold.

Your H has treated you with utter contempt while spending family money to pursue other women and damage his marriage and family.

He created emotional distance between you to make room for and justify his infidelity. When you initially expressed concern, he shifted the blame to your ‘silliness,’ and even now he is rationalizing and downplaying his illicit betrayal. His sense of entitlement and lack of remorse speak volumes.

I expect he would go ballistic if you were chatting up/sexting/pursuing men on an affair site.

I agree with others that you should not even consider moving forward with him until you have seen the messages and know everything. Personally, I would have lost all respect and trust, so I would end the marriage.

How would he have been paying for this? Do you have access to the accounts and online banking? So that you can look back and find out exactly when he started. Just to show what a liar he is really. I’m disgusted for you, while
YouR in lockdown taking care of children he’s sat talking to other women from the sofa of his family
Home. And using the families money to do it. Disgusting. Do not forgive him, he may already have slept with somebody else, and if he hasn’t it’s only because he couldn’t leave the house in lockdown. We are day 108 of lockdown currently, so if he said a few weeks in let’s say 3 weeks for example.. that’s 87 days he has sat in your home messaging other woman IN FRONT OF YOU! You cannot forgive the sheer cheek of this. Demand to see the messages and be clear that if I do not see the messages we are 10000% done.. he has a choice then doesn’t he to be honest and show you them as what has he got to lose if he’s going to lose you if he doesn’t show you anyway. (Of course you should leave him regardless of wether he shows you or not, but if he knows that he won’t ever show you). So sorry this has happened to you, be strong for your children, and yourself, you deserve more

Pretty poor timing on his part to "join a few weeks into lockdown", what a waste of money. It's hardly an essential journey.

LOL! Yes, suffice to say cheating is not essential.

I agree with @jackdaw141 and @LockdownLady1

He's been doing this before Lockdown. Sorry to say..

It is easy enough to check how long OP’s H has been on the website - as there is money trail.It’s also the way to check if he in fact met anyone - again with the money - look for AirB&B or DayUse transactions.

However - it’s highly unlikely that you’ll get anything from looking at the messages. Deleted ones can’t be retrieved. But more importantly - people on sites like that project an image, which isn’t real. So whatever he said would only be very painful for the OP to see and won’t help with anything.
Any affair recovery program / counsellor would advice against that.

OP - if you do decide to stay and give your marriage a chance to recover - do think about counselling. It is really the only way to try to get through something like that. Only with total openness on both sides, and re-examining the relationship and looking at what needs to be different in your marriage - can you try to survive this.
You are hurt now, and of course you can’t think about your next steps. But eventually you will. And only you can decide what you want to do with this all.
No matter what MN says - in real life most marriages don’t break up over infidelity. And in your case - it’s unclear how far your H had gone. What’s clear is that there are issues in the marriage.

If you embark on that journey - try reading/listening to podcasts by Esther Perel. She has worked with couples for years and has lots of insights that people in your situation find useful.

As to my situation - my marriage was dead for a while before I went on IE. I just needed to hang on for a bit longer to let my kids grow up a bit more - but I wanted some human connection without having a relationship with expectations of the future. IE is mostly full of people who don’t want to end their marriages but are unhappy in some way. And for many people it does allow them to stay in those marriages while making their lives a little more bearable.

Update:

Still haven't spoken to him, he actually got his brother to call me even and I've passed on that I want zero communication for at least the rest of the week to give me some more time to think. He's stopped calling now, think he's got the message.

I have sat down and looked through bank statements, and he has foolishly purchased the membership on our joint account. 3 times in the last year, once in January, and twice in lockdown - so you guys were right.

I haven't found any hotel receipts or anything like that, I am now trying to compile a list of questions I want to ask him before I begin making any decisions.

Thanks everyone for the ongoing support...

If anyone has any question suggestions please let me know!

So far I've got

1. I am aware that you lied about when you joined the site, please expand on the payment in January.

1. This is your only opportunity to fess up if you have ever met up with someone, or been physical with someone

1. Are you unhappy in our marriage

1. What do you feel is lacking in our marriage

1. Do you regret joining the affairs site or was it something you privately enjoyed and wanted to keep going

1. How would you feel if I said I wanted a divorce?

All I got so far!

Thanks again everyone xxxx

@tarasmalatarocks

Yes, very sinking feeling..

He created emotional distance between you to make room for and justify his infidelity. @MsDogLady you're absolutely right. In fact I will add something like this to my line of questions..

1. Have you intentionally, whether subconsciously or not been sabotaging our relationship in order to pursue new ones.

& to my possible list of future demands

• the money spent on these memberships I expect to be given back to an activity/holiday/day out for the kids

Do you have access to the accounts and online banking? @Sillymee thanks! I have, and he has paid for membership 3 times, once in january and twice in lockdown

He paid for it out of your joint account? So he thinks you're stupid on top of everything else.

Do you really think you'll get honest answers to your questions?

This might be useful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

so hes lied already-sorry op i dont think you'll get any more truth out of him hes not going to say he was going to carry on is he

@TwentyViginti @GabsAlot

You're both right.

& I may not even stay with him, I'm really not sure at the moment. I feel I deserve some answers though.

TBH I wouldn't tell him that you know about the payments in January. Better that he doesn't know what you know
I'd email when you've had time to think and process, and tell him that he has one chance and one chance only to be honest with you - to tell you when he joined the site, when and who he met etc.
Then see what he comes back with. If he sticks to saying he joined in lockdown you know its all lies.

If he fesses up to the January payment, then tell him you want access to his phone to check, and if he has deleted his account, to restore it so you can see.
Whether he is unhappy in your marriage or not can wait till much later

@MotherofTerriers

This is actually a really good point.

Yes, I am going to omit that I know, I think an email may be a good way to go, I don't think I'm ready to see him, and I want his responses there in black and white.

I think if he can be open and honest there may still be a chance of salvation. If he lies again we've come to a dead end.

As you say, IE is very expensive for men as women join for free.

No, not seen the messages, he said he didn't want to show then. He seemed more embarrassed and annoyed at getting caught then sorry

Well that tells you everything. Those messages would have made it clear he is looking for women for sex. He;s annoyed because you have made this more difficult by finding out. He has every intention of following through if he can.

I've named changed because I am on IE. All the men there are looking for sex. Even the one I chat to most, he's pretty unique on the site and we talk about politics and the world and everything, but he is also looking for a partner for a particular sexual practice he is interested in. Another guy I chatted to for a bit about politics then said, 'Its been interesting but I didn't really join IE for this.'

And from what the guys say to me, a lot of the women there are pretty full on in their sexual advances to men.

Even if he cancels, he is likely still chatting to women. Most people move conversations onto Kik. He will probably now message the women he has been chatting to to ask them to contact him on there.

If he is charming and socially adept he is probably doing extremely well on the site.

Sorry, but you need to know what you are dealing with. And you already know the answer to your question 5 from his response when you found out. He's annoyed he was caught. The men on the site do want to stay married. Some of them are just looking for sex with someone else, some want to recapture the thrill of starting a new relationship, some seem to want a full additional relationship with someone else, albeit temporary.

Whatever he was looking for, he was a determined cheat. Sorry.

If he paid in Jan and then again twice in lockdown - he must have been paying for one month membership. And - by the sound of it - he must have not met anyone on there in Jan - because if he had - he’d not have gone back to it in March.
Membership for women is free, so women tend not to be in a rush to meet. And men often complain that getting anyone to meet in real life is difficult. And there are a lot of fake profiles.

Your questions from 3 onward are really difficult to talk about given where you are. You are in shock, and there is no way he’ll be able to answer truthfully, as he’ll be also in shock and scared to make it worse. It can only be done in a safe place with a counsellor.

And - btw - I am sure my old account still exists. If you want I can try to look up his profile - see what he said on it. Even if he deleted his account - IE keeps it up a while trying to lure members back, so it might still be there.
PM me if that is helpful.

OP it is extremely likely this is only the tip of an iceberg. This behaviour doesn’t come from no where. You don’t just suddenly go from 100% faithful to chucking money at a website aimed at those who are married.

Whatever happens here, whatever he says, it won’t be the full book