Found my CHEATING husband on illicit encounters

[EmeliaLily]

I posted a month ago about my suspicions that my husband is acting strange during covid, and constantly looking at his phone. I put it down to lockdown and all of us acting a bit differently at home without being able to socialise like before..

I feel so STUPID and distraught, at one point I even asked him outright and he just told me I was being silly. And all this time he's been on a married dating site - are you kidding me? I didn't even know these kind of places existed.

We've been together for 12 years, and I always thought our relationship is good, we're a family and have kids, I just don't know what to do at the moment.

He told me he's only been doing it because he's felt lonely being out of work, I mean what? Are you serious! He's tried to play it down and said he hasn't actually met anybody it was all just chatting to pass the time, I mean how would this make you feel?

Do I forgive him because it was all online and make him delete everything or should I be outraged? I mean if he's talking to women surely he'd want to meet some of them and maybe hasn't had any luck with corona. I just don't know right now, at the moment I've told him to stay with his brother while I sort my head out.

But you don’t know that, you assume that it was good... ‘ etc same with love ‘How do you know you were providing him with that he needed

I am fucking open mouthed at that! That's appalling! @SummerCherry I am so sorry you went through that! What an awful counsellor! Basically saying he had an affair because you weren't giving him what he needed? Fuck off! That's awful.

God there are some really shit counsellors out there. They can do so much harm.

@totalpondlife thanks! Your words make me feel better. At the time I think it all contributed to anxiety and depression, and I’m still finding it hard to regain my self-worth. After being a bit more educated, coming on MN and reading about infidelity I realized that the evidence showed it was very rarely the partner’s ‘fault’. It’s still hard though isn’t it, one of the best things about Ex was that our sex life was so good, and as he could be emotionally unavoidable, I kind of clung onto that as an expression of our love for each other. Then to realize it wasn’t as special as I thought, as he was literally shagging anyone, whenever he could (think going out for lunch at work to have sex etc - bloody hell) - and then that I might be a bit rubbish was quite hard to take!

@SummerCherry, I had a v similar experience with an apparently qualified counsellor. She kept asking me ‘what is missing from the relationship’, in turn I kept asking my husband who kept repeating‘nothing, I was just being stupid. What helped me eventually to move on was doing a lot of reading online and finding a great podcast series where the subject was discussed and the psychologist there explaining that sometimes people stray simply because they CAN. They still love their spouse but the adrenaline is missing - Normal fit long term relationships, even when you do make a lot of effort and are a regular LoveHoney customer. It’s a Mexican guy Cesar Lozano, not sure if he does podcasts in English though.

@totalpondlife - I second that! Wish I could have said fuck of to my counsellor!

I think private counsellors are often crap because pretty much anyone can become one. And they come at things from their own personal views. I knew a guy who had a level 1 counselling qualification, which is basically nothing at all, a level 3 is broadly equivalent to an a-level, and is now setting himself up as a counsellor! He is also a deeply troubled individual and completely unsuited in a whole range of ways to be trying to help damaged and unhappy people.

Anyway, I quite agree that some people just like shagging around. The problem is just that someone who is completely unsuited to monogamy has decided to go through the charade of being in a monogamous relationship, when they will never be able to keep to this. They should just have been honest with themselves and their partner from the start!

@totalpondlife and it’s interesting to see the reaction of a shagger-arounder when you ask them if they would like an open relationship. J bluffed and told my DH that if he wanted an open relationship then he should have felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it as I’m quite a liberal person. He Went so pale and speechless and then spend the next half an hour saying he would never want an open relationship (and that he was stupid and so on and so forth). Not proud to say that I baited him with this couple more times, just seeing him choke on his own breath was revenge enough.

I think the honest answer in a lot of situations like this to’whats missing in the marriage ’in seemingly ok or good marriages is as that person said ‘an adrenaline rush’ combined with wanting that feeling of new fresh banter and a liking for secrecy. When you have known someone a long time life can get a bit Groundhog Day, some have the sense to know and accept that and do things to freshen it up within the partnership, some choose to go outside the partnership and hope they don’t get caught. With a fair many people doing this kind of stuff it isn’t that their marriages are shit,(some are but by all means not all) it is that they aren’t exciting fun filled romances and that person is no longer a challenge/unknown- you know everything about them .

I know that there are different reasons for cheating, however there does seem to be a lot in common with men (or I guess women, but maybe rarer) - who go online and do a LOT of cheating. They seem to actively get off on the secrecy, on the illictness, and of playing people off. They can tell a new woman that it’s so awful in their marriage and get a lot of validation and sympathy too. They get a lot of it! And once they can do it, ‘have game’ as it were - then why stop? When you can get one woman, and so easily, especially online, just keep going.

My Ex - no way would he want an open relationship. He absolutely loved playing people off, it gave him a sense of power. Loved the secrecy, he felt superior as he did have superior knowledge.

I realized this as I saw some of his online profiles (yes there were many!). On one, at a time when I had phone bills showing he was sexting up to 10 different woman a day, he said on his profile ‘One woman at a time is fine for me thanks, I am not a player’ - so not only was he cheating on me, but he wanted all these other women to think they were the only one too. Why? I guess partly so that they adored him more, could keep all options open if he wanted more of a relationship, and also so that they didn’t sleep around themselves!

Hi OP I have read through some of the thread so apologies if I comment on something that has passed, but from experience, it starts with messages and then you get all the sorrys and the excuses, you may be able to forgive and try again with the relationship but 9 times out of 10 he will do it again and each time it gets more and more....probably not what you want to hear but I just think if someone has done it once and got away with it they will do it again. I wish I never gave the chance the first time round.

However i hope this isn't the case for you obviously.

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the delay, in getting back to you all, as you can imagine it's been a hectic weekend. I've finally sent out my email of questions this morning, with many of your suggestions - also omitting that I know he signed up in January.

In a weird way I am prepared for whatever comes out of this, I'm feeling much stronger since this all came to light. Been having so much support from friends and everyone here. I cannot thank you all enough

@ilikemethewayiam - sorry to hear about your experience. I have read the script now, and honestly I've spoken to a lot of women who share similar experiences with men - we'll see whether he follows it, thought right now I believe that he will.

@EpilepsyMum4 and @MulticolourMophead
Thank you - yes, I agree, now the shades have come off I'm believing this is very likely too.

@heslyingtoyou I have already seen the account, but thanks for the tip!

@GabsAlot Thanks again

Honestly - if was me, I’d stay. But only long enough to get myself in a better position to end the relationship. And no, I wouldn’t share the second part of that with him.

@ItsLateHumpty some great advice!!

Good luck OP 💐

I haven't read through all of the thread so maybe repeating myself here. I've had to change my name too.
It's free for ladies to join illicit encounters and as I understand the men still pay a fee.
Check his phone for the app Kik which is where most of the chats move to so you can exchange photos etc. You don't need to go through all of his apps, just pop on to settings (on iPhone) and scroll down, if he's got it it'll be listed there.
There are also far more men than women on there so he'll be very lucky to find someone to meet up with.

I've finally sent out my email of questions this morning, with many of your suggestions - also omitting that I know he signed up in January.

Oh god you must be on pins waiting for a reply 😬

Do you already know what you want to do? I’m guessing you want to give him a chance to say the right thing to make it all ok. And to say you’ve tried to ‘fix’ this because children, and 12 years together, and people expect you to ‘fight’ for your relationship.

Please remember - this is all on him.

You didn’t break it, you don’t need to fix it.

You didn’t do the wrong thing, he did.
And he didn’t make a mistake. A mistake is buying white bread when you had brown bread on your shopping list. It is not making an account on IE. Then compounding that by accidentally talking to OW. Plural. And months later making the exact same mistake again.

If this is his response to lonely what will be his response when actual shit happens?

Don’t forget your worth in trying to shore up his ego

Using the excuse that it's all online is piss poor considering everything is online these days. Online is the first step to out of line.

You will need to cope with word salad replies.

A site for married people to have affairs. Fs what next!Sorry op but isn't sounding good he's deliberately set out to deceive you. I don't think I could get past that. I hope that things go the way you want them to and you get the answers to your questions you deserve to know the truth. Though the sceptic in me says he will just feed you lies though. Good luck x

Don't rely on him to tell you the truth. Do your own research. Check out some other sites.

So, I've still not received a reply. But I did indicate for him to think long and hard before he responds and to not reply immediately. So far so good, I'm glad he's heed my warning. It's been nearly one week no contact now! The funny thing is, I am recovering from the pain and suffering a ton quicker than I had anticipated..

@Sayhi8 There are 1.4m members on that site. I'm absolutely shocked by that. That's a significant portion of the married population in the uk...

@cataclysmiclife I am devastated this has also happened to you. Sending you all my love and support

@bluehairandheartbroken

I am so sorry you're going through this. Thank you for sharing your insight and experiences, it's painful to hear that you've been made to suffer even after forgiving.

I hope fate works in your favour and some happiness can come out of all of this for you soon, hang in there

Glad to hear you're feeling stronger in yourself.
If it helps, one woman I know whose husband was unfaithful - devastating her - went on (the following year) to have a wildly exciting fling with someone 20+ years younger and then politely dumped him for someone only 3 years :D younger who she lived happily ever after with!

@MsDogLady

But in recent months he’s been especially snappy, distant and cold.

Your H has treated you with utter contempt while spending family money to pursue other women and damage his marriage and family.

He created emotional distance between you to make room for and justify his infidelity. When you initially expressed concern, he shifted the blame to your ‘silliness,’ and even now he is rationalizing and downplaying his illicit betrayal. His sense of entitlement and lack of remorse speak volumes.

I expect he would go ballistic if you were chatting up/sexting/pursuing men on an affair site.

I agree with others that you should not even consider moving forward with him until you have seen the messages and know everything. Personally, I would have lost all respect and trust, so I would end the marriage.

This. Absolutely this. They become ‘cold and distant’ because they have to tell themselves they have a cold distant wife/ bad marriage in order to minimise their guilt. It’s a justification in their eyes. If he’s been like this for a few months, I’d say that was when it started.