Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

Why should you forget it? You can't unknow it. This is now woven in to the story of your life. You have chosen to stay together so you also need to choose to accommodate the story as you know it.

Does your DH know she contacted you and did this?

What an awful women and I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

I had this but the other way around. I was the OW and after she found out he obviously told her some awful things about me (most of which weren’t true) to make her feel better about it.
I had 6 months of abusive texts, emails, letters where she wrote some truly horrible things. I know I was deserving of it and she was just hurt because of what he’d done to her but you don’t ever forget it.
This happened over 5 years ago and I still sometimes think about things she said. For example, she’s a lot curvier than I am and she wrote in one letter how he thought I had the body of a teenage boy. Obviously he was just saying that to make her feel better about the situation but all those little digs stuck with me.

OP, I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing for her to do, on top of all the damage she’d already been part of.

One of my parents had a brief affair and I found out about it, and I felt tormented initially by the things that I’d seen, that I so desperately wished I hadn’t. It’s a cliche, but time does help... if I occasionally think back to that time, sometimes my brain skips over the details, and other times it does latch on. When that happens, I try not to engage, and move my brain on to thinking about something else, and the moment passes iyswim.

My parents are still together over a decade on. It’s not always been an easy road, but there have been a lot of happy times within that time too.

Sending you 💐

(I’m a pp but have namechanged for this as it could be outing.)

I think you’ve had to deal with a situation - and people - who are flawed. Concerns me that you think the affair was somehow your fault too? It wasn’t. You sound brave and strong, and you have put the needs of others above your own. Whatever insults were aimed at you, they are completely insignificant and worthless when compared with your ability to be a decent, trustworthy and selfless person. These traits far outweigh any abusive comments that were hurled at you.

It sounds extremely difficult , she was obviously coming from a place of hatred at that time. She considered that you had "won" and she obviously didn't have the empathy or emotional understanding to recognise that of course you hadn't won anything and you didn't deserve what happened. I've seen women on Mumsnet who almost see it as a competition, being the OW, and that being chosen for sex over and above the marital bed is a compliment... These women are often deeply lacking in both self esteem and integrity. I think though if there is a specific thing that was said from your husband to her that she told you in spite...that hurts you now because of his indiscretion in telling her. I would ask him about it. There are different forms of betrayal and critisising you personally is not on and he should be working to make that right.

I agree. You can't forget it. He needs to accept that having an affair damages someone's self esteem. Having the other woman pile in, is clearly even more damaging. If he wants to stay with you, he will have to accept that there is no quick fix, not to get irritated when you remember what happened, but be prepared to reassure, apologise, and accept that that is how you feel - how anyone would feel - for as long and as often as you need. He doesn't need to wear sackcloth and ashes, or beat himself up (although he can!) but he does need to accept how you feel, and support you. Because that's what staying together/being together is about.

For yourself, remind yourself that he has chosen to stay with you (if indeed he has chosen to stay with you, rather than staying for the comfy home/kids etc), that the other woman spoke out of spite, and anger, not out of real honesty. As long as he genuinely wants to make it work, you and he have shared history, shared laughter, and love to build on. The foundations are there, but the building has been knocked down. You build it together, and sometimes, just sometimes, people find that they prefer the new building.

But he must understand that love is built on trust and trust has to be built/rebuilt slowly. There are no quick fixes and if you try to magic away your feelings or the doubt, they won't have gone away, you will actually be burying them. Suppressed feelings always emerge stronger and more powerful one day.

HTH

OP, I don't think you're naive or stupid, or even lacking in self-esteem. I think you have been badly treated and are reacting in an understandable way.

I don't think cheaters ever really change; I think it is a core personality trait, you either think it's acceptable to cheat or you don't. I wonder if you may be displacing your feelings about his behaviour onto the OW's comments. Her opinions are no more valuable than any other random person on the street and can be discarded accordingly.

Your feelings are there for a reason, I don't think you will be able to unfeel or un-remember them and it's not a good idea to try.

I'm so sorry your DH did this to you, like a PP said it's concerning you say his affair is equally your fault - how did you come to that conclusion? I wonder how much turmoil your DH is in, what is he doing to help you to heal?

I would also be asking myself why she was so angry? Did she just assume the affair was going to lead to a relationship or did he tell her it would? I would be asking him some questions about the whole thing personally but I understand you might cope differently. Not knowing anything from your husband might not be helping.

Hi OP. Do you use Reddit?
There's a great sub on there for couples in recovery after infidelity. r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It's full of great support from people either in the same situation as you or who have previously been there but managed to fully recover.

You're never going to forget what was said. You have to just accept that now.

However, you can move beyond it. The important factors here are that these words are not your husband's. They were thrown at you by someone hurt and rejected by your partner. They were not chosen, you were. They were hoping to cause you enough pain that you would leave your partner, to hurt him in turn. It's not about you.

In much the same way, the affair itself wasn't about you. Not about anything you were lacking as a person or anything that may or may not be wrong with you. There's been a lot of study conducted on wayward spouses and what triggers their behaviour, and so often it's some deep internalised issue, immaturity or just pure selfishness. The majority of WS are able to behave in such a way because they compartmentalise and actually don't think about their poor betrayed spouse at all. Let alone in a way that they would be dragging your appearance and sex life through the mud.

That's not to say that your partner wouldn't have said these things, the other woman here sounds like she would have demanded that kind of affirmation from him.

I honestly feel as through the best way forward for you here is to have a frank and open conversation with your husband. Get the ugly truth out. Leave no room for anyone else to harm you with words and intrusive thoughts.

True recovery begins when everything is out in the open.

Good luck to you both

Thank you.

Yes he knows she contacted me, when he finished with her, she told him that she would tell me and he 'wouldn't get away with it'. Her messages to me with all that disgusting stuff in were followed immediately by messages to him asking him to meet, propositioning him etc.

I have now blocked her on everything but she knows where we live and where I work, and for the first few months I was scared of receiving more communications from her or even coming face to face with her. It's been easier with lockdown because I am home all day, plus she is 60 miles away and doesn't drive so it made me stop worrying about her as much. However it has given me more time with my thoughts which has not always been a good thing.

@Turnedouttoes I'm sorry for what happened to you, that's awful. I don't think you were deserving of it at all, please don't feel that. I bore this woman no ill will initially, when he told me first off I was shocked, upset, furious with him for being so reckless with our lives, our family, but I didn't blame her. I knew what she looked like (she was someone he'd worked with previously) but beyond that I really didn't want to know anything more about her - for me it was easier that way, to focus on why he did it, rather than why her.

When she contacted me in the terms she did though, that all changed. I will never forgive her for such spiteful actions; and it's made the process of coming to terms with what he did harder, I have said to him many times why did he have to introduce such an unbalanced person into our lives, if he had to have an affair could he not have picked someone more normal (I know how crazy that sounds!)

@Percywhosqueen thank you for sharing that, it does give me hope that we will get past this. I definitely feel more at peace with it than I did, I have less gut churning fear than I did 3 months ago. I will try to practice distracting myself more.

I don't think it was my fault he actually had the affair, that's totally on him. But our relationship prior to that was not in a good place, I was unhappy with myself, and 'soldiering on' with a number of issues which I should have shared with him, but instead I shut him out. He in turn was very focused on work, largely in response to me I think. I have always loved him but at times then I didn't like him or myself much, and I was hard to live with. Honestly if at that time I'd been approached by someone (that stuff doesn't happen to me though, never has) I can't hand on heart say I wouldn't have been flattered, tempted even. Would I have actually done anything? I don't think so but I can't be certain. Tbh I think the thought of anyone other than him seeing me naked would have dissuaded me; I like to think I would also have thought about him, about what I'd be risking and that would have stopped me but I can't be sure. And that is why I was willing to try and work things out.

She definitely felt she was competing for him, she said she'd told him she would do anything he wanted sexually, anytime, anywhere, nothing was off limits if it was what he wanted... I think she did also see him as a prize, he is/ we are well off, live a nice lifestyle, he is very handsome and looks good for his age. She thought he offered a future where she could give up work and live comfortably off his money although this was all a bit cloud cuckoo land.

She’s done you a huge favour. Now you and your husband have a common enemy.

Has he convinced you that you were partly to blame for the state of the marriage at the point he decided to turn away from you and cultivate his relationship with her? Did you not ‘pay him enough attention’? What did you do at that point, did you also have an affair?

You need to aproach this in a different way. You are, like anyone in your position, absolutely desperate to 'other' her as much as possible, to put as much distance between them as possible, as people, as moral beings, in the way you view the world - you have to, because you have chosen to stay with him.

She doesn't sound 'unbalanced' - she sounds like a person who reacted with anger and spite to a hurtful situation. She richly deserved to be hurt and she was a low cow to be OW and take part in an affair... but the lower one, the one who perhaps you should be 'describing in other terms' is the husband who made his vows to you. But you are having to twist yourself in knots now to not do this, because you are staying. So - you are aligning yourself with him, reinforcing to yourself the idea of 'him and you' as the sensible, moral, normal pair and she is the evil outlier - 'could you not have picked someone more normal?'.

This will not work and it is not working (the intrusive thoughts) because you know you are pretending, to a certain extent. You are right in the middle of a very painful process and it's painful because the reality is, you and he are not the pair - he and her are the pair, the abnormal, the ones who did it together. Those thoughts are coming in not because they're nasty things that someone 'not normal' said to hurt you. If they were it would be easy to not give them a second thought. They are coming in because they are things they did and enjoyed.

I am not saying this to kick you when you are down. I couldn't stay in this situation, but I think if you do you need to reframe it. Build up that strength NOT by trying to mentally 'pull' him back in to your pair as the 'good normal' one. Instead take the focus off him. You know he is a shit, he is the same as her. Ok, accept that for now. Move that focus on to YOU. You are choosing to stay... for now. Maybe you are going to need the strength one day to decide you won't. Make that a power you have. A new realisation. Build YOU up... alone. As a strong person, and especially - a strong person without him. Focus on friendships. On things that interest you. Get counselling - NOT couples counselling, but for you. To grow yourself as a person. Those thoughts? Yes, he did all that shit. Accept it and then move the thoughts on to YOU.

One day, you will be through this painful part of the process and you will see that you have adjusted to a new normal. He will, however, still have done these things. But if you do the above, then just maybe, when you get to that end point it's YOU you won't recognise - not him. And that will be a massive, massive positive both if you do eventually decide to properly stay, for the years into the future, or not. You will have equipped yourself to be a person who stays because they don't need to.

@FizzyGreenWater

That is an excellent post

I have said to him many times why did he have to introduce such an unbalanced person into our lives, if he had to have an affair could he not have picked someone more normal (I know how crazy that sounds!)

Seriously?

Being told a pile of shit about his wife, marriage etc. by the married man to "invalidate" his married status; in order to get them to get involved and have sex ... generally doesn't result in affair partners being all calm, happy, chilled and stoical when they're dumped.

How successful do you think the line "I'm happy enough with my wife, lover her and have no intention of leaving at any point" is with the vast vast majority of women? It's not; which is why men deceieve and manipulate the women they have affairs with to an incredible degree.

Just remember that the solitary person not being lied to before, throughout and after an affair, is the cheating man.

*deceive

Also she may have been very angry, bitter, hurt, striking out etc. (due to realising she had been used and your husband was not going to leave and enter into a "proper" relationship with her at some point as no doubt she believed, with a little help from him) ... but open your mind to the possibility hat she was also trying to let you now what a shit of a person he is; now that she had realised ... to let another woman know what her husband said about her, as well as cheating on her, exactly who/what she is staying with, further investing in etc.

It's possible not every molecule of it was malice but actually wanting "justice" for both his victims, by letting you exactly what you were accepting, what he was spin doctoring .. she was the only person who could tell you the full picture of his shittiness, in order to give you the chance to make an informed decision.

There were 2 people in your marriage, even if it was in a bad place, did you cheat? No, because you actually have morals. There are 2 types of people in this world, those that cheat when the going gets tough and those that soldier on hoping that it'll get better.

I was in a similar situation, he was trying to give the OW the brush off via messages and she couldn't understand why he was staying with me and she said she had a prettier face and better body than me. What actually devastated me was when he said that I was a monster compared to her. This was all done via messages which I was watching coming in in real time as I'd linked his iPad to his phone.

Obviously I went scorched earth on that conversation, and blew up everybody's world that day.

To be honest, I had no real feelings about her, she was clearly scum but she didn't make any promises to me. The most hurtful part was that he had said those things and that's what you need to remember. He said those things to her so that she could justify in her head sleeping with him.

You don't forget or unknow these things. You learn to live with them. You build your life back up without relying on him for your own self esteem. Just because you are trying to reconcile with him, doesn't mean that you reset the game. Things have changed and you need to have one eye on your plan b.

Worst of it was, physically I was fucking better looking than both of them combined. I was attracted by the fact that he was a "good guy". Once that was gone, all I see is the over hanging belly, bald spot and other shortcomings that my love blinded eyes didn't register.

@Ch3at3rs

My first thought now when I see a woman who is not coping well, coming across as "crazy" or "unbalanced" is always .. "who made her that way?"

Although I don't think it's forgivable what she said to the OP, the only reason she had the ammunition to hurt her so much is because the OPs husband gave it to her.

It's just all a very hurtful situation, and caused by one person, the OPs husband.

Part of forgiving him will also mean forgiving the personal things he said about you to her. Which he would have done, it would have been what she wanted to hear.

If you asked him about her he’d give you a list of negative personal attributes as well.

It’s what people that cheat do.

With time you will think about it less but it will likely pop into your head from time to time for a long time to come. Sorry.

Have you been to a relationship counsellor? How did he meet her? Did he go on to dating apps? The issue is that he actively engaged with another person when your relationship was in a bad place rather than trying to work it out. What happens the next time you hit a pot hole?

I will never forgive her for such spiteful actions; and it's made the process of coming to terms with what he did harder

Another unintentionally comical/ironic statement.

It's not her place to help you come to terms with your husband's infidelity.

What does she owe you .. she's not your mate, not your relative, not your partner, not the one who took vows to you. Common decency would be nice, but it's not like there's an abundance of that in the world; besides your husband set her up as your competitor from the minute he started engaging with her romantically and sexually. So she's not going to flip out of that instantly on being dumped and have your welfare at the top of her priorities.

And she no doubt thought she had gotten involved with an unhappily married man who was waiting to make his break sometime in the not too distant future and be with her, no doubt she thought their story would be one of the "met while unhappily coupled up, left and proved to be each other's soul mates" stories .. almost everyone in hat situation believes that. Your husband very likely fostered that, or let her think it. She is his victim too, she was angry, hurt, probably devastated, bitter, feels like a fool and a loser ... why exactly would she be considering your comfort in staying with him or making life eay for him for that matter?

Yes, he's lied to me. Although she has also lied in a lot of her communications, things she thought I didn't know, to make it appear there was more to what went on between them. For example, she bought him something for his birthday (which he hated and gave to me to put in the charity bag - he told me it was a gift from his team at work). She said how much he liked it, had it with him all the time - which I knew was BS because I'd taken it to the hospice shop myself.

She knew about me and he didn't tell her he would leave, quite the opposite; in one of her messages she admitted that but said she thought she could change his mind; or that I would leave him once I knew. Or that he would leave me eventually because I 'didn't deserve him or make him happy' .

I had some counselling prior to lockdown, and am hoping to be able to resume it soon. I found it helpful but we'd not really covered off this issue around what had been said so that's something I would like to explore with my counsellor.

Most of us have had the random insult from a stranger at some point, a mean comment from another person (I was on the receiving end of some minor road rage only the other day where a man called me a stupid bitch who couldn't drive - because I wouldn't reverse uphill round a bend to let him past) and stuff like that is easily dismissed. But when someone sends you a message telling you that having not given birth they are better able to satisfy a man than you (who has had 2 vaginal births) - but in more graphic detail and language of course, that kind of thing is pretty hard to forget.

I have overcome various difficulties in my life, mainly by not knowing too much. I am generally happy to live in ignorance about things that if I knew might upset me. So I had no desire to know anything about their sex life. Ours is pretty good measuring it by a yardstick of our past experiences. Or how they spent their time, or whatever. I know some women would ask every detail of their partner in my situation, I wouldn't, and would have been happy not knowing. I wanted to know what she looked like, how it started, and that it was over - really that was all I needed to know. And now I'm stuck with all this word vomit I can't get rid of.