Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

I'm certain the "team" that op refers to is not a marital team but an outward facing one. What we'd call a brand for married celebrity couples. Both are wealthy and in fact OP described her husband as rich. So possibly OP privately sees husband for what he is but doesn't want to disrupt everything else that comes with being married to him that benefits her, over and above money. The words from the lover are an inconvenience to the happy marriage facade

It is different circumstances but denial of my husbands intentions actually gave me dissociative problems and I’m suffering with terrible mental health (slowly improving now he is gone). If you manage to convince yourself enough then it’s possible to have dissociation amnesia, like I had. I was able to continue with my absolute lie of a marriage for 13 years!

@FizzyGreenWater Haha 😂. Brilliant. And true.

@Fightingback16 I consistently hear about EMDR for trauma and ptsd. It's been recommended on here, and I know an army guy who has had it and gets other guys onto it. You won't forget but they won't have an emotional charge for you.

@Vodkacranberryplease I am a lot better then I was. It’s more of a I can’t believe what I accepted thing then anything else. I just thought the OP might want a idea of how to not know something they know, deny it for long enough and then it will no longer exist! It worked for me for over and decade until the lies eventually lead to a breakdown!

Did I read right in that he broke it off with OW and as she threatened to tell you so he did?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, id never judge you for staying. In your position I didnt stay but that was my decision.

Please be careful; a pp said she has done you a favour as she is now a common enemy to you both as though this is a benefit to you. It isn't, it does benefit your husband though as you are now focusing all your anger and anxiety on to her.

You will never forget what they did together, you do have to accept it though. You will have to accept you will bring it up and that at intimidate moments it will pop in your head. Your husband has to accept this is a consequence of his behaviour.

I wish you well and I hope counselling helps you and your marriage.

This seems to have gone from OW told me terrible things I can't forget, to OW told me a whole lot of made up shite that I'm just not going to pay attention to. confused

Is this The Jeremy Kyle show ? That’s incorrect , and really callous too

Slimy H is conveniently tucked into the background in this narrative and what OP is looking for is validation through a common demonisation of OW

Yup @Fizzygreenwater

Can I ask what has happened since ?

You don't forget. You concentrate on you. Bring it up when you need to but try to reduce the discussions as far as you can. say once a week then once every month etc as a guide. Look forward not backwards. Concentrate on feeling empowered whether it's friends or financially. Prioritise yourself and your family. Make happy memories. You can't go backwards and this is a new life different from the old but it can be good. Put in place parameters to reassure yourself. Any decisions you make don't need to be set in stone. You can walk away but choosing to stay needs active work from both of you and your husband needs to understand this too.

I am currently heartbroken due to what my OH has done and for now he is gone as I can’t bare to even look at him. In the messages to OW when she asked about me (they had a FWB in the past and in the beginning of our relationship often messaged me telling me he’d end up back in her bed, to which I stupidly said he wouldn’t) he had replied with ‘do you care?’. That hurt. They was planning on meeting this Friday for sex.

I think you need to realise (although hard) that A woman could declare their undying love for your DH and it’s how he responds that matters. Whatever she said about me I took no notice of, but how he replied hurt me a lot. She messaged me too some spiteful things, he hasn’t promised her anything other than sex and she took a great joy in telling me this. I am mad at him, she is irrelevant to me.