Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

(Actually I forgot the "ow is a crazy, unstable, nasty, trouble making bitch" narrative too.

That's the main focus of the thread, right?)

Honestly? Communication. You need to talk to him about how you feel and what goes through your head and how insecure it's made you feel. Otherwise you have no closure and it's all building up. It's his job to listen and convince you on every little worry, even if it takes time. Trust was broken, it will take time, maybe years, to heal. Couples counselling may be the safest way to heal? Brave choice op.

@Ch3at3rs

For what it's worth, I agree with your posts and see clearly the points you are trying to make. The OP asked for opinions and I don't think you were harsh. I think it's easier for me to hear than the OP though. Hopefully one day she will understand better what you are trying to say.

I'm really sorry OP and I hope that you can find your way back to counselling, you need a safe space where you can work through some of the points raised in this thread in an nonthreatening environment.
I think you need some calm space to work this through, there must be so much noise going on in your head right now.
Just to say as was picked up by the PPs above, the unwanted gift that you sent to the charity shop. It really stood out for me as a slice of pure malice from him to both of you.
Get counselling for you and you alone to figure out how you feel and what you want in a relationship going forward. He should be doing the hard work on your marriage right now.

You are angry on the wrong person OP.
When your marriage was in a bad place, did you go and have an affair too? Why not?
That is your answer right there.

Agree with the pp that said she actually helped you and your dh by giving you a common enemy to bond over.
That’s a very nasty way of thinking. There is one enemy here. Ands it’s not the OW.

@possiblepickle

Agree with the pp that said she actually helped you and your dh by giving you a common enemy to bond over. That’s a very nasty way of thinking. There is one enemy here. Ands it’s not the OW.

The husband is definitely in the wrong but that doesn’t mean that the Other Woman is not an enemy to the marriage. There are women who deliberately target married men, whether this is for reasons of low self esteem or whatever, using sites like Ashley Maddison or Illicit Encounters. They know exactly that they are doing from the outset and that their actions will lead to the betrayal of innocent spouses. Frankly these women don’t then get the right to harangue the innocent wife when the affair ends however much they also feel misled by the husband. They made their choice to get into a relationship with a married man and have to live with the fact that ultimately they will not end up with him.

katrinawaves
Yes, but these women didn’t say ‘in health and in sickness...’ to OP.
Taking people back is all good and well if you can beat it. But doing it by creating a common enemy is definitely a plan that will fall on its face at one point.
I hope you can be kinder with yourself OP. Like other have said, counselling may be helpful.

@TheStoic

She’s done you a huge favour. Now you and your husband have a common enemy.

Has he convinced you that you were partly to blame for the state of the marriage at the point he decided to turn away from you and cultivate his relationship with her? Did you not ‘pay him enough attention’? What did you do at that point, did you also have an affair?

Agree with this.

Why was she so hurt? She behaved like an angry woman because she was hurt. Why? It was hardly a fitzwilliam darcy type telling her he was not in a position to marry her.

And despite all your "negative " attributes he chose you over her. Perhaps she and you should reflect on that - and what is says about her!!

The affair is something that he did. It is not "on" both of you. He has done something bad to you, by having an affair. You can't "forget" as memory doesn't work like that. If he wants to come back from it, to make it up to you, if you think that might be possible, then he should be asking you what he can do to help you to consider trusting him again in the future. I hope you are OK xx

OP I didn't mean any offense. I'm just saying, that 5 years on, it's still in my memory.

Has he given his reasons to you for having the affair? What were they?

I have however observed many women rounding on each other and attacking each other

So @Ch3at3rs decided to do the same to OP because she wouldn't do what they and other posters thought she should. Oh the irony.

And despite all your "negative " attributes he chose you over her. Perhaps she and you should reflect on that - and what is says about her!!

oh ffs. Or perhaps reflect on the fact that wives are expensive, inconvenient, disruptive, and stressful to get rid of .. and that extra marital girlfriends are not (barring the inconvenience of informing, with lots of spin doctoring, your betrayed spouse and dealing with their pain .. not that many cheaters will indulge it for long).

That's mostly why married cheaters stay put, rather than leave (unless forced to by their wife). They know that sooner or later it's "same ol shit" with either woman; but one is much easier to give the heave ho than the other.

The OP isn't a pathetic little victim, she's been cheated on and she's trying to get past it... But she's not vulnerable, she says herself she's doing better in some ways than she has in years. She's looking to get rid of "intrusive thoughts" that aren't even that frequent. So maybe people need to pull back from the "attacking the victim" narrative. People just gave their opinions.

So @Ch3at3rs decided to do the same to OP because she wouldn't do what they and other posters thought she should. Oh the irony.

Have we had the same dick inside us ... are we fighting over owner of said dick?

No, not quite the same then, is it.

And I'm not attacking op when I point out the fallacies behind all her opinions on why she should stay with her dh, trust him implicitly in future and paint his ow is "unstable".

So terribly sorry I , and some other posters, failed to obey the mandate to instruct op on how to accept the consequences of her dh's infidelity and got stupidly hung up on whether she should or could accept his infidelity.

Oh op I'm not saying this to kick you when you are down but personally I think They're both absolute scum and he's the worst as he's the one who made vows to you

If my H cheated I'd be gone. There would be no way back. Because What I couldn't live with is that the sex he had with OW will have been the best sex he's ever had. Because it would have been a) new and b) forbidden/secret
I would also feel that any sex we had wouldn't match up to it and it would be on my mind constantly during sex in fact I doubt I could ever get turned on by him again

I also wonder about her anger - this makes me feel like there will be more to it. like I suspect he's promised her he'll leave you etc and prob said the L word

I am very ashamed m to say this but in my youth (i was 21 and daft) I was the ow for a bit and my god the stuff the MM said to me was unreal (i will spare details but basically promising a future and children and the lot. I dumped his sad pathetic arse in the end and to this day I really really hope his wife never found out)

I really wish you wouldn't stay with him op. You deserve much much much better xxxx

because she wouldn't do what they and other posters thought she should.

Oh and fwiw I don't think op should do any one particular thing.

But I do think she should stop focusing her anger/indignation (or whatever) on the ow. (And not let herself be blinded by excuses for his behaviour and rather depressing beliefs about common levels of infidelity).

As many many posters have said itt.

There are women who deliberately target married men

@Katrinawaves I think usually the bloke is the one that tried to instigate it, maybe. But in that case women should ignore/block/let the wife know, whatever they see fit (IMO wives need to know because these men probably carry on trying to hit on women.)

using sites like Ashley Maddison or Illicit Encounters.

True, that would be a bit weird. I suppose married men might be a kink to some women, or they like that it's less likely to end in their lover 'catching feels.'

Why was she so hurt? She behaved like an angry woman because she was hurt. Why? It was hardly a fitzwilliam darcy type telling her he was not in a position to marry her.

@KetoWinnie It's still not nice to be dumped though. And/or maybe she developed feelings.

There are women who deliberately target married men, whether this is for reasons of low self esteem or whatever, using sites like Ashley Maddison or Illicit Encounters.

Most ow, however, are unlikely to be women who deliberately target married men. Many married men don't need the "help", they're opportunistic or actively looking.

I had the impression AM and IE were very very male-heavy, and that any women on there tend to be attached themselves. Not that that makes them any more moral, but they are not the single, lonely desperados people like to portray ow as.

I understood their motivations to be being jaded, disallusioned, bored in their marriages and/or erectile dysfunction on their dh's part (the few women on AM etc.)

God the husband here really is a prize shit! Not only does he have an affair, but he tells the OW just enough to keep her thinking he's going to give her more so that he can keep fucking her, slagging his wife to her to make her feel special and the preferred one, dumps her when she stops being 'fun' and starts to want to be more than a hole for him to shove his dick in. Only tells OP as he knows the dumped OW is going to tell OP. God he really does treat women in a disgusting way, both his wife and his OW.

And yes the whole, my poor DH made a mistake, we all make them - whereas the OW is a spiteful psycho -that whole narrative does grate. Well, those 'spiteful' things she said were things he actually said and did. Why wasn't he spiteful in saying them? And it wasn't a mistake. He knew exactly what he was doing and did it in a deliberate and calculated way, right from the start and right to telling OP before OW did.

He'll probably have another affair. His learning from this will probably be to pick a married woman, rather than a single one, as the married woman is a safer bet. She isn't likely to rat him out. He just needs to sign up for a married person's dating agency.

Him giving the unwanted gift from the OW to OP to dispose of struck me too. I bet he got a shiver of excitement doing that. Ugh.

*using sites like Ashley Maddison or Illicit Encounters8

These sites are really for married people wanting to meet other married people to have affairs with so that they don't need to worry about their Affair Partner wanting more than an affair.

I had the impression AM and IE
90% men, and many of the woman are actually looking to be paid for their services
very easy for a woman to find a bloke who's up for 'casual fun'