Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

Agree with the pp that said she actually helped you and your dh by giving you a common enemy to bond over.

There's only one enemy in a situation like this.

Even if ow is unstable/nasty - single men have a saying "you don't stick your dick in crazy" ... that applies a million times more to married men with families.

Men who bring shit like this to your door aren't relationship or husband material.

Rubbish. The OW contacted her and told her in glorious, spiteful detail about the gory details of their affair, making derogatory comments about OP. That’s unbalanced - and her husband has ALSO behaved in an unbalanced way.

MikeUniformMike

You don't get to tell any poster on this forum what to do, at any time, in any way.

Not sure why you appear to have trouble understanding that.

And op has not communicated the slightest distress.

To the contrary she has been extremely derogatory to a woman who could, for all we know, have mental health issues who's been used and abused by her husband.

how do I forget what I know? I have no idea, when you find out though, please let me know.

5 years on, and still most definitely remembering.

Sorry OP

You are not helping

Again, who are you to judge that.

If op reconsiders her acceptance of her husband's treatment of herself and the ow; that would be helping.

and not amusing.

Where on earth would you get the impression I was trying to be amusing?

(And even if I was, that I would remotely care whether you found it amusing or not).

Think about it, OP. If anyone you knew asked you how to forget or move past traumatic memories, what would you tell them?

@Ch3at3rs I don’t think you are helping either...

And op has not communicated the slightest distress.

@Ch3at3rs I personally think all your posts have made good points. But OP is clearly in distress. She said she has these constantly recurring painful memories that she's finding it impossible to overcome.

@Ch3at3rs yes I understand your point and many of us can see the big picture as we are not emotionally involved. But OP may not be ready to face all of the aspects that have damaged her relationship yet. Having been in this situation myself I had to be ready. When you love someone (regardless of whether they deserve your love or loyalty) you have to be ready to face it or risk possible poor mental health.
OP if you still on this thread step back from the emotion of this and look at methods to detach from the intrusive thoughts. In time it will be clearer what you need to work through this. If it helps to use this thread as a journal on how you are feeling it may help.

There were more specific lies, about things that couldn't have happened, that was an easy and simple example. I could give more, but it would only attract responses that I am deluded/ naive/stupid or whatever!

I'm not sure how some of you think being so fucking unpleasant to me, who is blameless in this, is justified.

I think many of you, in your desire for plain speaking, are just being nasty. You think you wouldn't cheat, your partners wouldn't? Honestly you don't know that, you can't be so dogmatic. You can't say that 100%, no one can. I can say what I hope I would do, based on my own integrity, sense of morals and respect - but who knows?

It's like when people are faced with a violent act, or threat - you think you know how you'll react but until that ACTUAL moment, you have no idea.

Kindly save me the plain speaking and rhetoric that any man who cheats will do so forever, has done before and is an irredeemable scumbag / all OW are just a poor wronged woman who was cruelly treated. If I hadn't read so much on here in the past where anyone admitting to be the OW is absolutely hung out to dry, and roasted for their actions I would think it's suddenly acceptable to a) fuck a man you know is not single and b) to vent your spleen to his partner when it comes to an end.

I'm stepping away from this thread now; I've had some helpful advice which is appreciated. The less helpful advice I will, just like the OW's spiteful words, tune out.

Who has been nasty to you?

My husband did cheat on me, and we did split up because I knew that meant he had zero respect for me. Despite what he claimed. By allowing someone to cheat on you and forgiving them you're giving them free rein to do it again.

I wish I hadn't read this thread, it's just unpleasant from all quarters.

And by that I am not saying everyone was unpleasant... Not at all. Just that there are just people in a lot of pain. It's not good.

You can't say that 100%, no one can. I can say what I hope I would do, based on my own integrity, sense of morals and respect - but who knows?

Oh I think people can OP. I've been an OW many times (don't plan to again.) I think there are many people who would never cheat on their partner/spouse, it would just be unthinkable to them. Even if they fancied/liked someone they would never act on it.

all OW are just a poor wronged woman who was cruelly treated

None of us are saying that as such or entirely, but of course she's been treated in a hurtful way by him. He's used her and binned her. And I know for a fact some women are more vulnerable to being used.

'I'm not minimising what he has done, but I know he knows what a serious error it was, and how catastrophic the consequences could have been.'

With the greatest of respect, OP, he always knew the consequences and did it anyway. He either knew you would accept it or was happy to risk losing you. Also, with his attitude towards women, I would suspect many other casual dalliances/ visits to prostitutes.

I can tell you 100% I would not fuck someone then go back to my DH and get into bed with him and maybe fuck him in the same day. Tell him I love him and fall asleep next to him when i've had someone elses dick in me a few hours before. Most people wouldn't. You can tell yourself most people are capable of that but they're not.

I'm sorry you're hurt but your DH hurt you. Not the OW and not the posters here. Again, you're blaming everyone except him.

I get that you'd already decided he was just a silly weak boy and was worth staying with and hoped people would tell you she was just a bitter, envious and crazy bitch - like he's told you - and to ignore because you 'won'.

But if you ask for advice, people not as emotionally invested in him as you are will see him for what he is. A manipulative, lying, using prick who doesn't care about you or anyone else he hurts.

He gave a present from his mistress to YOU to take to the charity shop. He was fucking her, probably telling her he loved her, telling her he loved her present then giving it to his fucking wife who he says he loves to take to the charity shop. That's a disgusting person who's been taking the piss out of both of you.

What exactly are you trying to do in your last message anyway OP? I trust my husband won't cheat on me.... Are you trying to erode that trust? Would it make you feel better if everyone was dishonest ? So your husband can't be trusted with a woman so nobody else's husband's can either? Let's level the playing field by making everyone a potential cheat and liar. I don't know that my husband won't change his mind about me, won't decide to leave me one day but I trust that he won't sleep with another woman and lie to me about it. And I'm 40 and we have been together 22 years.

Your husband either had an affair with an unstable woman or he created an unstable woman ( your words , not mine ). I KNOW my husband won't do that.

all OW are just a poor wronged woman who was cruelly treated.

Both parties are damaged, lacking in boundaries and lacking in integrity.

But since you are not an OW, your problem is your dh .. which is why I worry about your decision/approach.

And while the above is true, in my experience women are on average much more likely to be vulnerable to being used for sex than men. Your dh wasn't used in this situation; he did the using. Back to my worry above ..

This thread has saddened me, projection of others incredible pain and hurt for their own ends.
Mumsnet at its worst.
Whatever happened to support, empathy?
Life is hard enough for everyone right now but this is downright toxic.

Agree with the pp that said she actually helped you and your dh by giving you a common enemy to bond over.

*There's only one enemy in a situation like this.

Even if ow is unstable/nasty - single men have a saying "you don't stick your dick in crazy" ... that applies a million times more to married men with families.

Men who bring shit like this to your door aren't relationship or husband material.*

The point we're making is that having a common enemy to bond over is a way for her and her husband to unite. I'm not saying she is really the enemy or that it's good for them to bond over her......but the fact that in cases like this if the OW gets painted as unhinged or a troublemaker it actually really helps the person who had the affair....as their partner then tends to focus more on the bad side of the other person, they can bond over things she has said and done....as her OH will comfort her over things the evil bitch has said and blame a lot of things about her.

Focusing on her as the common enemy helps the couple bond, and takes some of (or in some cases it seems all of) the flack off him and makes it more about her!!

I AM NOT saying that it's a good thing at all. I am saying that it's actually a better situation for her husband. Imagine for example the OW hadn't said all those bad things to the OP...and had actually came across as a lovely woman who had been conned!! Less opportunities then for the couple to unite against her!
Sharing a common enemy is what appears to get a lot of couples through the aftermath of the affair! It's the easy way out!

@user1481840227

That's so sad if it's true. I have no personal experience of cheating but my dad cheated often in my mum and my sister has been the OW many times ( I often wonder if there's a link). I have seen a lot of the aftermath of affairs but do people really unite over hating the OW/OM? Honestly? How absolutely awful. I feel like this thread is poisonous now. I feel bad for what I said before.

Cheated often on my mum... And my sister has bee

I'm sorry this happened to you.

It's sad but sometimes the OW views the wife as a competitor;by ending it in her eyes your husband has "chosen" you and she's the loser.But it was never a competition,we often hear about men leaving their wives for other women but it would actually seem the majority of men try to avoid that.

Could she have harboured a false belief he might of left you for her?,could he have considered it and they spoke about it?.Often when the OW tells the wife it's in order to force the husband's hand.If the wife knows she might end their marriage and the husband will hopefully make the OW his SO or so the OW hopes.

You said it yourself it was out of malice so you need to consider just how much of the former OW said is actually the truth.

Well said OP - I concur completely. I’m sorry this thread didn’t help. @elettra

This thread has saddened me, projection of others incredible pain and hurt for their own ends.
Mumsnet at its worst.
Whatever happened to support, empathy?
Life is hard enough for everyone right now but this is downright toxic.

Not sure which posters you're referring to, but I can say my points have not been a projection of anything - because I've never been cheated on, or been an other woman.

I have however observed many women rounding on each other and attacking each other, while the men who caused the situations sat back, secretly relieved, satisfied etc. that they were "safe" while the women tore each other down, went through pain ... with each other in the role of villains, instead of focusing on the true villian.

Also the poor, foolish ,man, you know how they are narrative.

Also the stressful times at home, I wasn't abc (stepford wife) so it's a bit understandable he cheated ... men aren;t good at dealing with these things, poor dears

All these fallacies and narratives are harmful to women, and set them up for more damage, more trauma ... make them live in farcical, unfair situations.

The op seems to have bought into almost every one of these and is espousing them on here - and continued in her last post, adding the "most people cheat, anyone could cheat, it's common" narrative for good measure.

It's all very frustrating ... and may ultimately, in the log run cause more "trauma" to happen to op. That's the reason for my vociferous posts.