Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

*You also implied he was derogatory towards you to her and implied or told her ..

And you haven't once mentioned how long he did that for, in the midst of the detail provided about other things.

Anyway is a betrayal really any less if one - because the betrayer was apparently clear in his intentions to his affair partner? It's the lowest form if grasping at straws to say "but it was only for sex, he would never have left me" like that makes it any better. Someone who actually fell in love and was torn would be less of a b*stard in a way.

This thread is odd in what’s its asking. Is it sympathy, if so I’m pretty sure everyone across the board is very sorry for Op. Is it a thread to bash all OW, I’m pretty sure everyone agrees OW are not great to do that. Is it asking how to achieve amnesia, ummm can’t be achieved, like an original poster stated unless you develop a dissociation disorder. Is it justification of the decision to stay, I’m sorry but for most people an affair is a step too far.
I’m so so sorry for the OP, who is a strong women who doesn’t need my pity and has lots of life experience so my advice isn’t acceptable because it’s not backing up the decision to stay. I hope it all works out for you.

This about sums it up.

There is no helpful answer to OPs original question because sadly it's not possible to forget, with good reason. Not many people will comment just saying that because people usually like to be helpful whilst replying on forums, so they're only commenting if they've got something to say outside of OPs question that they feel would ultimately help her. But OP doesn't want anything outside of the original question.

I'd step away from this thread and from discussing the affair on mumsnet full stop op.
It isn't going to help you.

I had a list of things to do to help stop intrusive thoughts.

One thing that did really help me was to write letters. Ones that I would never send and will eventually burn. Letters to the Affair partner. Say whatever you want in them and then put them away- don't send them.
It's very cathartic.

Join survivinginfidelity- they have sections for each type of poster and very strict rules about who can comment in each section.
Stay away from the OW section for example. But post in the recovering from an affair etc.

I haven't needed that site for a while - you'll know when posting and reading there is more hindrance than help.

Good luck

Understandably there is a lot of anger.
You've chosen to forgive your partner and move on.
So this anger is directed towards the OW. And all the awful things she has been saying.
He chose her though. So no matter what you think about her, rightly so, he still chose her to have an affair with.
So if she is all these things you say she is, what does that make him? He's a grown man. He is massively responsible.
You're both angry at the same man.

And where is he in all of this?
Hiding away while 2 women thrash it out?
Think you've got to find another way of dealing with this. Or this will drive you mad.

It's been said before...if the OW really is thick and irrelevant and full of shit, then nothing she says has any power. If she'd just called OP a cow or said something patently untrue ("we spent three weeks Hawaii, you didn't know because you were in a coma"), well, that wouldn't be nice but I doubt it would cause this level of suffering. It would be easy to dismiss.

The problem is that the sorts of things she's saying are aggravating factors in the nature of the husband's infidelity. So ultimately, it's not really about her, it's about what it says about the husband and what he did. In other words, it is in fact about him. Obviously. He's the one who was committed and betrayed that. And he's the one OP now has to make it work with, if that's her choice.

OW is responsible for her campaign of abuse against OP; that goes entirely outside the affair itself. But the husband is the one who armed her. I'm really sorry, OP...on these threads, wives always say "oh, of course I'm not letting him off, of course I hold him responsible" but then what we actually get is vilification of the OW and attempts to downplay what he did. In this case it's complicated by her abuse towards you, but it still comes down to the same thing: what it means in terms of what he did, not her. That's what you're going to have to address if you're going to recover from this, and it really matters not one jot what she's thinking or doing.

In my opinion you can't really forget and tbh why should you? I know you want to forget it but what he done and has obviously said about you is going to hurt.

Just because you chose to remain together doesnt mean you have to forgive all and take it out of your head. I know you want it to work out but I honestly think there is no way you will ever be the same with him.

What resonates with me is when he compliments you, you remember snippets. This was me. Every time I tried to forget he did something (maybe innocently) that just sprung it back into my mind.

I really dont believe that couples who have chose to stay together after infidelity are ever the same or ever truly have 100% trust.

I hope you manage to sort it out either way.

@elettra I am glad that using this thread (however awful it has been at times) has helped with the intrusive thoughts. I really hope you have continued healing with this.
One perspective that helped me personally, no need to go into my details as ultimately this is about you, your choices and story is,
I didn't place where I was as a permanent state.
For example
I am choosing to stay with my husband at the moment.
I am choosing to explore whether I can overcome this, but if I can't I can review this.
I am choosing to understand how this situation happened but being honest with myself. Etc...
The reasons for this was although my heart and head differed, sometimes over many times an hour, I was unsure at times.
But it did put the focus back on me.
What I am trying to say, even if you are determined to stay, you really may feel differently over time. By keeping everything as a maybe, you will give yourself space to explore your feelings in depth. If you get an intrusive thought for example, you can sit with it, ask what am I feeling? Who am I angry with.
This way you may start to process it more clearly.
By having a unshakeable state of we are now together forever us against the world, you are not allowing yourself the potential of that maybe changing over time both together or apart.
An affair, who ever was to blame, changes any relationship, and demonstrates ( as you have reflected) that there were problems leading up.
It may be that after surviving the affair, your H may for whatever reason decides its best to divorce? It does happen.
By bringing all the 'power' back to you, you may find that the instrusive thoughts, anger at OW etc may dissolve. Put your energy into making your life fabulous whatever the outcome.
I found journalling really useful too. I looked back from time to time to see how I had healed.
I think you have had a hard time here as people want to spare you future hurt. But that is in your hands if you let some of it go anyway.
Wishing you all the best. I think you will be fine

Great post @Mintypylonsfryingsurplus

I know it was directed to OP but I found it very helpful for where I am in my journey too, as I’m sure others will

@elettra
Your latest update presents your husband in an even worse light. He would have known that this woman had feelings for him but he still chose to shag her and manipulate her. Wow, he sounds lovely! I think the very fact that she was honest enough to admit to you that she knew he didn’t have feelings for her means that you should believe what else she’s telling you! I would say that it’s likely that he’s told her that he’s comfortable in the marriage but is no longer attracted to you and that he’s only staying because it’s too much hassle to leave. If he’d told her that he was in love with you there’s no way she would have been trying to change his mind. Honestly, you deserve better! I would be extremely surprised if this was the first time he’s done this and it definitely won’t be the last when you’ve given him the green light!

So she knew he didn’t love her and had no feelings for her, well, that almost makes it worse, that a man would disrespect his wife for nothing.

At least if a man said he thought he loved the OW, I would probably have a tad more understanding. But to have an affair just for fun, is even more vile and disrespectful

Yes, bringing that crap home to your wife is shitty. But could just as easily be a sign of someone at a loss for how to get rid of it.

Yes that is shitty. But asking his wife to be the one to take it to a charity shop is nasty and knowingly cruel. He could have thrown it away or taken it to a charity shop himself. He made a conscious choice to instead bring it home and ask his wife to take it to a charity shop. It's the latter people think is beyond awful.

It doesn't. Because some people aren't nice, aren't respectful.

You are married to one. If it is so awful to not be nice and not be respectful (your husband has been neither) then you surely would have left him.

If, however, you believe your husband isn't defined by his behaviour during the affair, so too should you concede the OW isn't either. And you aren't married to her.

She's irrelevant now. He has scarred you, betrayed you and your focus on OW has taken up so so much headspace that you don't have any left to hold your husband to the same standard as a woman you don't know.

Clearly the darling H just fell over one day at work and put his penis in the OW vagina who just happened to be waiting for him. Come on let’s be honest there was probably a lot of flirting from both sides, he felt good and then it ended up with regular sex. Ok sometimes in the car but let’s be honest he would make it Sound as seedy as possible but he was there too. So if we want equality the best is as much a slapper (or whatever the OP has called the OW) as she is. Takes one to know one I was always told.

Because some people aren't nice, aren't respectful. Are unbalanced. Want what other people have, at any cost - OP , you’ve just described your husband. He didn’t and doesn’t respect you. He wanted what he wanted (the OW) at any cost. He isn’t nice. The fact that he had no feelings, he didn’t love her makes him even more unpleasant in my opinion.

I was thinking about this thread. I think the OP just desperately wishes she didn't know about the affair and blames the OW for her even having that knowledge. She says herself she won't check up on her husband any more than she has done in the past.... I think she wants to be completely in the dark about every indiscretion that ever happened or will happen. That's how she copes, if she can't see it then it doesn't happen. I could be completely wrong just she actually keeps saying this. The problem isn't the affair, but that it's in her head.... I'm not trying to critisise you OP, I promise. It's just a thought.

@elettra I absolutely believe this happened and that she's no angel. I've seen women deciding to go after someone they know is attached - a friend and I used to go out in Chelsea and in one place the waitresses were always all over him - until I was super friendly, said we weren't together and maybe they could swap numbers. Then they used to vanish. Some women feel better about themselves by 'proving' they can have a man.

BUT when they react like this it's because they have been made a fool of. Their egos can't stand the rejection they feel used. The reason that happens is because they have been told how fabulous they are in comparison to you. We all know how guys can talk about exes and how if you are younger than her there's all the 'your body's so great' or if the sex is good 'sex with her was so boring you're amazing'.

I think that's the worst part about cheating. Not that they had an orgasms with someone else but the betrayal of you to get there. The disloyalty. That would kill me - being talked about and compared.

@elettra,
As an option - can you try to forgive/understand OW the way you are trying to forgive your husband? That will make you bigger person and hopefully help to deal with what she said?

Oh this post is so very sad, the OP is very hurt and torn and seems to be edging on denial and deflating the pain. If anyone does figure out how to un-know the know then please send me a private msg. I’ve a 12 year long marriage of domestic violence I’d really like to not remember. The only way I know how to stop the intrusive thoughts is to listen to what they are trying to say and offer myself some answers and some self-compassion.

*deflecting

Had she been dignified about this, not contacted me, in all honesty I would have had some sympathy for her. I would not have sought to contact her (as I know some women would in my position) or tell her what I thought of her, harangued her in any way. My focus would entirely have been on him.

However in acting as she has, in involving herself directly with me, trying to engage me in verbal combat by abusing me, spewing her word vomit at me, she has created a situation where I have to deal with her shit as well.

If this woman hadn't taken the pretty normal and understandable, if hurtful, step of getting in touch with you and letting rip once your shit of a husband dumped her, you'd have found another way to make it all about her in order to be able to not focus on blaming him. That is all of it.

I think this is why people are reacting so badly - your tone approaches sanctimonious - if she'd behaved better, it would all be so different, you would be focused on him and feel sorry for her - but she put her foot wrong, and that's changed everything and now she's the demon - but she did it to herself'.

No, sorry. It's plain as the nose on your face that if she hadn't had a go at you you'd have found some other way to justify focusing on her not him.

You want people to validate your decision to stay AND see you as strong. The above isn't strong, it's total displacement and it won't help you through it - nothing at all will help for as long as you kid yourself that he's 'your team.' He's not on your team.

@FizzyGreenWater

While I agree with most of your post (and all your posts are generally brilliant) im not sure that op actually wants to be seen as strong, I'm not sure that she cares about that.

She's not said or implied that her decision or route is strong, just that she's certain about it (at this time).

She's been quite honest, if that's the right word, that she wants to follow her MO of lalala, blank it out, head in the sand the approach .. and that she's very annoyed at ow for interfering with that.

(Not to say there definitely hadn't been a lot of "othering" of ow and being derogatory a d judgemental towards her, as you say the demon .. the on the make, gold digger, unstable, nasty, tawdry slapper ... While DH is somehow an idiot and on her team .. I agree he's not, hrs only on his own team, and that's been very frustrating and alienating as a non "pro stay with cheater" poster.

But to stop waffling - I think head in the sand is a risky strategy and may affect ops MH.

(Also as an observer/poster, the whole "that f'ing bitch has made it so hard for me to zone out my husband's infidelity, give me strategies for doing so" thing just makes you so incredulous and frustrated).

Yes Gilbert I'm sure you're right. I suppose I'm responding to that 'air' in OP's posts of 'I'm so no-nonsense, I'm definitely not letting him off the hook, spade a spade, don't need him financially' - it's an all too familiar rhetoric where basically the cheated spouse has to paint a picture of themselves as strong and determined and definitely not taking him back because they're scared not to. Oh no - it's always 'He knows if he puts one more foot wrong he's OUT THE DOOR no discussion/ I don't need his money/ Believe me he has learnt his lesson' - yeah right, sure he has, that's why he's sitting in his same chair getting his dinner cooked - yup he's definitely a changed man!

MN sees right through that, and I think it's part of why OP is so angry. We are supposed to see the picture of the strong determined woman who has been uncharacteristically laid low by these particularly terrible words of this particularly terrible OW - who, if she'd been nicer, strong fair OP would actually have pitied.

Slimy H is conveniently tucked into the background in this narrative and what OP is looking for is validation through a common demonisation of OW.

But of course, MN will haul H into the spotlight and shine it right on him.

Not what OP wanted.

This seems to have gone from OW told me terrible things I can't forget, to OW told me a whole lot of made up shite that I'm just not going to pay attention to.