Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

And just to add (sorry, but your DH is making me angry!) what kind of cunt accepts a present from his mistress then gives it to his fucking wife to take to the charity shop?

Okay, he didn't like it but told her he did. But to give his wife the gift, lie to her about where he got it and let her touch it and dispose of it, while knowing it was from the woman he was fucking - he was getting some kind of perverse thrill out of that. He could easily have put it in a wheelie bin or left it at work or a million other solutions than give it to YOU. It's sick.

Sorry, he's taking you for an utter mug and you're falling for it.

I don't think I caused him to cheat. But I take some responsibility for our relationship not being in a good place prior to him doing so. That was partly down to me. That's not an excuse in any way for what he did. We should both have had the conversations we are having now back then. That was the correct way to have dealt with the situation - not to decide to go off and shag someone else. That was entirely his decision, and therefore entirely on him.

I say this as someone who stayed, read through tears. I'm broken and still trying to leave. Take the advice here, it comes from experience.. no one deserves to be treated like ever. It never goes away, I'm living proof and for the sake of your own sanity move on without this person.

What do you love about this man OP? Genuine question.

Well just so you know in the last five years, me and my husband have had 3 close bereavements ( one due to suicide), mental health problems, stress at work, debt problems, lack of sex, child diagnosed with a rare disease that is life changing, as well as all the other day to day stresses and none of these are an excuse for either of us to go and shag someone else for fun. Stop making excuses. He did what he did and he was in the wrong . No excuses. You both need to admit that.

ICouldBeTheOne

Could not agree more, there is something really sick about that.

community.affairhealing.com/ Is good, though quieter than this forum.

*You played your part in him cheating and you think she was an unstable, vindictive bitch but he was just a bit weak and stupid. And your focus is on what she said while he just puts the dunce hat on (poor boy) because he's 'your idiot' and 'you're a team'.

She thinks you don't deserve him because he led her to think that by what he said about you. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first or last time. Sorry, to me he sounds very far from a weak idiot and is actually a bloke very good at getting what he wants out of women while pitting them against each other.*

This.

He sounds like a bit of a scum-bag.

You're on here trying to deal with your feelings about derogatory things your husband's ex bit on the side/affair partner said about e.g. your vagina (sounds like based on things he said to her) having given birth to two of his children ... and the reward he gave you for that was to go and fuck another woman, and be derogatory about you to her (for fun, until it wasn't fun anymore, and she became "demanding" ie wanted something other than being used for sex).

No loyalty to your and your family (and he could and would very easily have been left by any other woman for what he's done, breaking up his kids home in the process), no integrity etc.
He hasn't got much respect for women, has he.

Stop giving him the "idiot" get-out/excuse.

You're financially independant, that's a wonderful position to be in.

Oh and you say could easily have had an affair too (but somehow haven't) but if you had, and if he was having to deal with a malicious, bragging other man (who you'd shagged repeatedly on an ongoing basis behind his back, even giving him unwanted gifts to clear out while saying they came from someone else) telling him that his dick was bigger, he could lay the pipe better, and you''d said so .....

would he still be there, saying to himself "aw, she was just a bit weak, she's an idiot, but she's my idiot" etc and going on forums to get help with dealing with the other man's malicious comments about his inadequate manhood??

Somehow i doubt it.

Sorry op but it's going to affect your entire life. It will always be there at the back of your mind and in your face. He couldn't possibly love you to have done this to you. I do think you are foolish though. why would you ever let someone do this. he betrayed you in the worst way and it cant be undone. More importantly, it proved exactly what he has in him to do to you.

Oh dear OP I am so sorry this has happened to you I hope you have real life support to work through this.
Excellent advice on here, but you do come across as defending, taking blame and ultimately made up your mind about this, which begs the question why post on a forum?
You have laid the groundwork now for him to really think none of this was a big deal, not only have you forgiven this, you are going with the he picked me so he is worth keeping story.
It looks like you have not really come to the acceptance of his part in this.
He could have stopped at any time. He didnt
He could have not discussed you given her personal details or opinions of you, he did ( which have then been used to understandably hurt you)
He could be making momumental effort to demonstrate his shame and weakness not shifting blame to her/ you.
If you have difficulties in future you are giving him a green light to repeat his behaviour as it was so easily forgiven before?
I am not saying you need to get revenge/ or payback but you need to stop making excuses for him.
Affairs like this need a lot of lies/ betrayal/ organising so that is what he will always be capable of.
Focus on yourself, dont promise him forever, if he then uses this as an excuse for more shitty behaviour, then you know what you are dealing with.
Do you want to spend your life being Mother Theresa, always on your best vibe so he doesnt stray?
You cant trust him right now, it takes time and for him to massively change.
I hope you have a peaceful week and focus on yourself.

I agree with above poster - OP your posts have become more and more defensive of him as it has gone on . Sadly they all show remorse at first and try to make amends . How long does it last and how soon before he is telling you you need to get over this - a common scenario too. I remember feeling sorry for my ex H when I found out too and thought he had been taken advantage of by a scheming woman friend of ours - yeah right ! Good luck !

I wasn't posting to ask IF I should stay, or what to do. I have come to a decision on that already. My question was around how to forget information I have unwillingly acquired - I understand that people want to share experiences, and give wider advice. But at the crux of it this was my question.

I don't subscribe to the theory that a man (or anyone) who cheats is irredeemable, nor that their relationship is permanently scarred or bound to fail. Life is rarely black and white. What we have to me, to us, is worth saving. I'm not going to list his good qualities but he has many. As of course do I. There are many things I love about him, and our history together - and yet to come.

I will continue with counselling when I can. In the meantime I will focus on myself as I have been (my change of image was for me, not him btw, he was a fan of my old hair/size, not to say he doesn't like the new look at least equally, but it wasn't done at his behest or because I had anything to prove), and on the positives in my life whenever intrusive thoughts/words appear.

My question was around how to forget information I have unwillingly acquired

That’s the thing though. You can’t. Affairs do have consequences; the slate isn’t literally wiped clean nor will things ever revert back to “normal” - this is your new normal now.

I understand OP. LTB isn't always the answer.
Good luck, and best wishes.

OP, he didn't have an affair because your marriage hit a bad patch. He had an affair because he wanted to, and the opportunity was available.

No one forced his dick into her vagina, no one forced him to be so derogatory about you to her, no one forced him to lie. He chose all that.

You say you may have been tempted, but I seriously doubt you would have had an affair. I reckon, from the tone of your posts, that you would have taken the temptation as a wake up call to start communicating with your H, to see if the bad patch could be worked on.

All the time you say he's weak, an idiot, etc, you are minimising what he's done, in order to remain with him. You say you aren't minimising, but those intrusive thoughts coming through is your subconscious trying to work through the enormous betrayal, while you try to squash those thoughts down.

And the enormous betrayal is from your H. For those words to hurt you, it's because deep down you know these are words your H said to the OW. She's telling you the lies he told her, and you have now seen how he's willing to be so nasty about you, just to get his bit of fun.

You have now seen how he's given no care to anyone's feelings but his own. He didn't care about your feelings, he didn't care about OW's feelings. And this is who he really is, the man who doesn't care how badly he portrays you in order to get what he wants.

Right now, you may want to stay. But you need to work on yourself, as other posters have said. Get some counselling to work through it all. and at the end of the process, you may find that in fact you don't want to stay. And that's fine, too. You can leave any time. You can admit to yourself you tried, but it wasn't going to work.

I knew someone who left her H 5 years after an affair. She told me she'd tried, but that eventually she saw that the marriage was going nowhere and left.

I understand OP, well then short of suggesting hypnotherapy or mental health states that involve dissasociative traits, we can only send you kindness and good wishes from afar.
Sadly there are a lot of posters on here who have suffered this situation and we are all different, with varying tolerances. So for now get support best you can and focus truly on your own healing. I really hope it works out to the outcome you wish

I agree with the previous poster who said Mumsnet is not a good place to canvas opinions or seek advice about recovering from infidelity. I’ve made the mistake about asking for advice about this here too and like you have experienced have had poster after poster piling on to say the most hurtful stuff couched in crude imagery apparently under the (mistaken) belief that I don’t know what infidelity involved on a physical or emotional level.

I don’t think you will get the advice you are looking for her here OP. Maybe have a look on Amazon for some good books on recovering from affairs. I found Shirley Glass and Andrew Mitchell both pretty good. There is also a good website called the betrayed wife’s blogspot and a (paid for) online course on gosuzie.com which was good.

Good luck with your continuing recovery. The AP does sound like a spiteful, damaged woman and you did not deserve to receive a letter like that from her. She’s lucky you didn’t write one to her instead!

I really don't think he's been taken advantage of, he's a grown man, I refuse to infantilise him.

But that cuts both ways. She is also responsible for her actions. She's not a teenager, she's a divorced woman in her late 30s. She wanted to tell me he'd lied to me, and to her, to let me know what he was capable of? Fine, give me the facts - on X when he said he had to work late on a project, he was with me. Etc. That he said he was unhappy, plus reasons given. I can understand why you might in her position think that was appropriate.

But to give me chapter and verse, in graphic language about how on X date they did this and that sexual position in this location, and so on and so forth, comparing herself to me and being derogatory about me...that goes beyond being hurt or upset, that's being deliberately malicious. It's like when you tell a small child they can't have a cake and they tip the whole plate on the floor so no one gets one!

Obviously what's done is done. I can't unknown what I know. Whether I can learn to 'mute' that knowledge and come to terms with everything in the long term, I guess only time will tell.

I can't top @FizzyGreenWater's excellent post.

Your husband is not an 'idiot'. He's a cheating liar who has no regard for either you or his OW.

OW are almost by definition women with tragically low self-esteem. No wonder she lashed out. And how the hell would she know anything about you if he hadn't told her? What kind of man does that?

I'd recommend Chumplady.com.

she thought she could change his mind; or that I would leave him once I knew. Or that he would leave me eventually because I 'didn't deserve him or make him happy'
Sounds like she had great hopes for their relationship, whatever it was he told her (I read my exh's emails to his OW and they were full of lies, some of which were very misleading to her). You know how you feel angry with her? That's how she feels about you, as you "won". She's furious and badly hurt, like you, not unbalanced. She thought she was going to rescue him from the wife he undoubtedly described to her as the source of all his unhappiness. Then he turned around and painted her as the baddy, and placed himself on your side in a massive reversal of loyalties. The messages are probably references to things that he said, or suggested, aimed not (just) at you but at him, to remind him of all the crap he told her about you so he could hook her in.

My exh told the OW some really awful stuff about me, intimate details mixed with really unpleasant lies. I read his emails several years ago and, like you, would have flashbacks for a long time. I don't any more. I don't take what he said seriously, either. Time has passed, I had therapy, now I am doing different things. It's easier obviously if you leave, but even though you're staying, I doubt you're going to feel the same degree of hurt forever.

@Katrinawaves I agree. I think your decision to stay with your husband is entirely down to your judgement. You don’t need to defend yourself here. I also think that - owning up to your own ability to cheat - is honest - I think most people DO cheat at some point in their lives.

Her comments were aimed to cut as deep as possible. If you analyse/over think them, she’s won. You are clearly the better person here.

My sister gave me a useful analogy once - when you are suffering emotional pain. She said imagine a box with a big red button in the middle. There is a ball bouncing around the box and sometimes it hits the red pain button. However the box is gradually expanding - and getting bigger with time. The button still hits the button at times, but it gradually becomes less - and less...