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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling abandoned

216 replies

Bobbins · 16/09/2002 20:22

OK, as many of you will know, my partner and I are going through very difficult times at the moment. I feel like he just can't face these problems and prefers to stay out night after night. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I have had a child with such a man. The problems started from when I was first pregnant really. I obviously had to give up a large part of my social life, but my partner saw no reason why he should. I have tried to negotiate compromises...eg; you can go out whenever you want, just don't come back really drunk, and let me know when you will be home. If I know what's going to happen, then I can make alternative arrangements.

Now though, it seems that we do not have any kind of a life together. The only time we spend together is tense.

The sad thing is, Ireally feel like I need him now. When I try to talk about these problems calmly he acts like I'm taking the p*, or like a social worker. If I get angry he thinks I'm acting like I'm in the right, little miss perfect..... blah de blah. I've never claimed to be perfect. I think when you have children (lose children) there is and inevitability that you are going to change. I would like to go out with him, and come home before the daylight. This seems impossible at the moment. I wish I was able to say that this relationship is doing me no favours, and get out, but I've been through so much upheaval recently I don't feel strong enough. BUT, being with him is making me constantly anxious, not least because I worry about him, his health, his finances, his well being.

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Bobbins · 18/10/2002 00:45

I would get a cat (and turn into puple hat wearing, cat owner lady before my time) BUT, if I am to get custody of Ali occasionally, this wouldn't work, as she chases cats. The horriblke thing is, I know I'm only going to get access to her at the weekends, which would suit him down to the ground, because that's especially when he wants to absolve himself of any responsibility.

Shit ....I miss her...I know it sounds petty, I can't believe that htis lovely rescue dog, that we chose together, has turned into an ISSUE.

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Bobbins · 18/10/2002 00:51

and I've managed to drink the best part of a bottle of wine..my spelling is horribly erratic....so bed time now...... night all

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Scuba · 18/10/2002 01:03

If you get desperate Bobbins - I've got 2 furbies (someone bought them for me ages ago) going they are in a semi permanent state of suspended animation because when they're awake they drive me mad! Let me know where you want them sent Lots of love sleep well

Bobbins · 18/10/2002 01:20

Oh dear. I wish you knew how poingant that is. i bought Harvey;s dad "Shelby" for fathers day this year.,,,supposedly a gift from his son Harvey....he came to collect stuff tonight, and shelby was included...oh well

I did resort to removing the batteries when shelby was learbning to sing "she'll be coming round the mountain"

ho hum...

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Bobbins · 18/10/2002 01:24

poing -nat...what a lovely new word

poignant ....I think I meant

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Scuba · 18/10/2002 01:27

Oh Bobbins sorry . Me and my big cyber mouth

Scuba · 18/10/2002 01:32

Did you know there a real term 'Noilly Prat', it's a food stuff can't remember what it is though. It might be more aprropriate Sorry rambling now.

Bobbins · 18/10/2002 01:33

Scuba> dunt be silly...he has got a turqoise electronic Shelby...to remind him of what was...and it has no batteries...and its already learnt its most annoying things. perhaps he'll start it up again....how will that feel????

And me...I've got mumsnetters...bit different...eh??

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Scuba · 18/10/2002 01:36

Bobbins you sure have got us and hopefully without the noilly prat .

Scuba · 18/10/2002 01:41

Definately got to go to bed now I'm falling off my chair. Good night and take care. Cyber hug to you. Zzzzzzzz...

Bobbins · 18/10/2002 01:41

night night Scuba...sleep well

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SoupDragon · 18/10/2002 08:39

Noilly Prat is, apparently, the original vermouth used in the classic Martini.

Hugs to you Bobbins!

Willow2 · 18/10/2002 11:26

Bobbins - not sure if I missed something but are you on "happy pills"? If so watch how much you drink as it can actually make you feel a lot worse. Sorry to sound so boring, but don't want you to feel like sxxxe

Bobbins · 18/10/2002 11:42

Willow2> thanks for the concern. Yes I am on the happy pills. I got through three quarters of the bottle, and no...I don't feel wonderful, but I don't feel too bad either & I slept VERY well. Don't worry I'm not gonna make a habit of it.

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Willow2 · 18/10/2002 15:15

far be it for me to preach about habits - just know that it didn't work for me!

Bobbins · 18/10/2002 15:19

Willow2....I know its a bit silly really taking an anti depressant and then drinking a depressant. But then I felt like being a bit silly last night.

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Willow2 · 18/10/2002 17:06

... and it feels nice when you do it. It's just that the next day it can feel pretty cxxx. I've just come off them, given up smoking an djoined weight watchers. So expect to be certified as officially bonkers in the next hour or so.

janh · 18/10/2002 21:14

oh, Bobbins - just read the last few messages - feel bad that I never responded earlier to your posts about Harvey and your domestic situation. Harvey sounded like such a treasure and it is so sad that your relationship with his dad has fallen apart, but presumably (given the warthog comments) you are better off this way...scuse me if I am gibbering, a bottle of red wine to the good here + a bit of hock too, anyway on the strength of what you have said so far you will be able to get through it all - glad you ended up having the house anyway. Re Ali the dog - and you not having her or any other breathing being - you really might be OK with a hamster/gerbil/guinea pig or something. Just something breathing in the house. I so understand what you mean!

Bobbins · 17/05/2003 15:55

arse c p*.

Just found out that he is planning to leave the country, which is fan f*ing tastic. So I phone him to find out what is happening with our dog, that he wanted 3 years ago, and that we got from a rescue home. His mum is taking her. i now have my cat George, which I rescued from the BBC grounds this year, when it was snowing, so I can't have her.

Asked him what he intends to do about the mortgae, which he stopped paying last Sept. and I want to re-mortgage to pay the ahole back....and his reply is..."nothing"....f*g nada....says its with his solicitor...and that house prices are going up

if it wasn't for his relationship with me and my dead mum sorting out the bloody mortgage(using her retirement money for the deposit!), he'd have f -all

this man is CLUELESS....

I ask him..."do you think that means you will get more money?'

he replies "whatever`"

I now know this is more a question of power than money.

He is hateful and greedy.

HAD TO VENT

I'm off to the supermarket now to buy stuff to make fish rissoto, hopefully my fume will be calmed.

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ScummyMummy · 17/05/2003 16:07

What a moronic ass he does sound, Bobbins. Hope you can sort it out. Will your solicitor help? Stirring risotto is good for defusing fume, I find.

Bobbins · 17/05/2003 16:16

ARSE.

Just written a letter to the solicitoer. I want to move on, and he just f***g knows this is holding me back.

Scummy- The moronic ass is at present living in a tent on a campsite in Henly upon Thames. aww....sympathy vote....I think fG not....he's just savuiing money to go travelling. TWIT

Just written my shopping list and in a Freudian way I wrote Dry White Whine

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ScummyMummy · 17/05/2003 16:24

I love it- dry white whine! May have to get a wee glass for myself in a mo...
You're not whining though. I have no suggestions as I know nada whatsoever about mortgages and stuff but I wish everything would magically sort itself out.

Bobbins · 17/05/2003 16:25

Re-reading this thread- I must say that apart from this bull I am feeling remarkably OK...off the anti depressants without any problem, six monthat on them, and some counselling and a good fella have done me the world of good. And of course, Mumsnet buddies.

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Bobbins · 17/05/2003 16:26

cringe....but c'est vrai!

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ScummyMummy · 17/05/2003 16:27

A tent in Henley on Thames sounds like just the right place for him!