Feeling abandoned

[Bobbins]

OK, as many of you will know, my partner and I are going through very difficult times at the moment. I feel like he just can't face these problems and prefers to stay out night after night. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I have had a child with such a man. The problems started from when I was first pregnant really. I obviously had to give up a large part of my social life, but my partner saw no reason why he should. I have tried to negotiate compromises...eg; you can go out whenever you want, just don't come back really drunk, and let me know when you will be home. If I know what's going to happen, then I can make alternative arrangements.

Now though, it seems that we do not have any kind of a life together. The only time we spend together is tense.

The sad thing is, Ireally feel like I need him now. When I try to talk about these problems calmly he acts like I'm taking the p*, or like a social worker. If I get angry he thinks I'm acting like I'm in the right, little miss perfect..... blah de blah. I've never claimed to be perfect. I think when you have children (lose children) there is and inevitability that you are going to change. I would like to go out with him, and come home before the daylight. This seems impossible at the moment. I wish I was able to say that this relationship is doing me no favours, and get out, but I've been through so much upheaval recently I don't feel strong enough. BUT, being with him is making me constantly anxious, not least because I worry about him, his health, his finances, his well being.

brian here,,,,destination please Willow2?
As I said on another thread, i went out for a bottle of wine and pint of prawns with best mate from work tonight. I think he feels comfortable with the fact that it's over. I have strong suspiciions that if he's not sleeping with my former friend they may well be leading up to it. (He's slept at her separated mothers and her fathers) I may be paranoid, but if you're not paranoid, you may not be paying attentioin. anyway. Anyway, he is not here, AGAIN. He is hardly ever here, he doesn't love me. I have to face that. You wouldn't treat someone you love like this, even though he still professes love. Show it, a hole!!!

I want to bolt the door and pack suitcases.

Bobbin, Ihave been reading all your messages on this and the bereavement thread and my heart goes out to you.

I have been through some of what you are now currently going through - not lost a baby (but dad died), mum had a breakdown (now better), husband told me we were finished when my baby (third child) was 11 weeks old.

It is so difficult to deal with all of these things. Any one thing in itself would be hard enough to deal with, but all these things at once is so much harder but, believe me, you will get through this and come out the other side a much stronger person. They say that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and I truly believe that.

My husband told me New Years Eve he no longer wanted to be with me (after 18 years together and 10 years marriage) although the reason for this is that he couldn't forgive me for an affair I had 3 years ago - long story, I am full of remorse and misgivings but have wrote about this on another thread).

My baby was 11 weeks old at the time and also the week before Christmas my mum started having a breakdown and has now only been better for about the last 5 weeks.

My baby (now nearly 11 months) "might" have a few problems - is going through the process of being checked out now - got a brain scan on Monday, not sure if she has got synostosis (when the plates in the skull fuse too early) and, if she has got synostosis, what effect this will have on her.

I went on holiday for two weeks in August (with two friends) and all our children except I left the baby at home with her dad - had so much shit (sorry!) going on in my life I really needed a break and, because all our children were roughly the same age apart from Sasha, decided I would leave her at home.

Obviously I missed Sasha like crazy and when I rang husband to ask how she was doing, all the time my home phone diverted to his mobile. He spent both weekends (one of which was the bank holiday weekend) with his girlfriend from work with "my baby". I didn't care what he was up to but was very upset, understandably, that his girlfriend was able to get her grubby mitts on my baby while I was missing her like crazy. I told him that I wanted him out of my house by the time I got back from holiday and, yes, he moved out that weekend before I got back.

I have posted under various threads "do I need antidepressants", "should I stay or should I leave", "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year?" etc. and everyone used to give me such positive messages.

What I am trying to say, is that although everyone used to post on here saying that I had to get him out (and I knew that I had to), it was only me that could find the strength and courage to do it.

If you read some of my messages I have posted before, written from the heart, you would wonder how I am still walking the earth today sane and stable-minded but, believe me, I have now found the strength and courage to move on with my life and, yes, I am so much better off.

My children are fine as I am no longer crying all the time and they still have regular contact with their dad.

I can understand how much you are going through. Life does seem shit at times, but believe me, you will get through this.

You sound such a lovely person, I wish I could give you a big hug - if only to let you know what you have our support and friendship and we genuinely care for you with what you are going through.

Harvey looked an absolute peach of a baby and looked so full of character. I bet he was just full of personality.

It is very sad that you have lost such a beautiful child, but I feel he was such a lucky boy to have a mum like you.

Keep your chin up - you will get through this.

Bobbin - been getting slowly angrier on your behalf over the past day. Bearing in mind that he's hardly ever around, why isn't he the one who's packing? I'd be tempted to pack his bags, dump them outside and change the locks. But then he's not my partner. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is don't feel that you have to run away. Only go to your dads if you want to and if not get him to ship out for a while so that you can clear your head. xxx

Willow2, I totally agree with you.

When husband was still living at my house, people used to say to me why didn't I leave but I felt why should I. It was my husband that had decided he no longer wanted to be married to me, so why should I leave the family house and take the children with me. No way would I have left them and not taken them with me, but I felt it was not fair on them. As it turns out, he has now had the balls to leave and my children still have the security and stability of living in the family home. With luck, I will be able to stay there. I did think of moving but what I could afford to buy wouldn't be much and I think that my children deserve to live in the same house.

For me, when husband finally left, two weeks ago Monday just gone (2nd September) that night (after I got in from holiday), I did cry but I think that was more from relief that he had finally gone but also from accepting the fact that our marriage was finally over. All the time he was living there, I was still living in hope that we might get back together but I know that is now not an option and I feel I can move on.

Just wanted to add my message of support to Bobbin and the other mums on this thread who have lost children and loved ones. I noticed this thread because you had lost a child and there didn't seem to be any other conversations about that on this site. I lost my baby boy in May 2001 at birth (nothing wrong with him, problem with my placenta which doctors no little about). Getting over that loss is something which I am still in the middle of even though I am now expecting our second baby. Last summer was incredibly difficult with babies and pregnant women everywhere it seemed. I got through that time (just!) by being gentle on myself, not expecting too much (ie not returning to work until I realy wanted to), being patient with my mood swings, getting support from wherever I could find it and not rushing through my grief. I contacted SANDS soon after my baby died and they have been a lifeline. However don't get your hopes up about contacting them because they are specifically for stillbirth and neonatal deaths. In our group there is a lady whose boy died at 5 weeks but I don't think we would accept anybody with an older child. This is not because we are 'precious' or unwelcoming but because even though we are all hurting and in need of our comfort our needs may be different. Mums of babies who are stillborn or die very soon after birth often don't get treated like mums at all, get told a lot of hurtful nonsense ("better that you didn't get to know him and love him", "it's God's way", "maybe he would have died young anyway", "you can have another one" and most hurtful of all their babies are not treated as real people or remembered by friends and families. Usually no photos to pore over just dreams of what they might have been and looked like. In SANDS we can support each other and find comfort knowing we are not alone and we are not bad mothers for having babies that died. My heart goes out to you for losing your son who was obviously so cherished and adored. Life just seems very unfair sometimes. I hope you can find a way to move on, with or without your partner, and take the memory of your little boy with you in love and peacefulness. I am so very sorry also for the loss of your mum who would have been able to support you in these dark months. It seems too much for one person to bear..I hope you come through the other side. Have you thought about counselling - I don't think I would have got through without it. Its a safe place to talk about anything and everything and find out the answers for yourself. A support group like the Child Bereavement Trust may also be helpful (tel: 01494 446648,www.childbereavement.org.uk) or the Meningitis Reaserach Foundation (tel: 01454 281 811, www,meningitis.org) which apparently supports bereaved parents.
Know that there are so many people thinking of you and wishing things were better.
finally a passage about love and loss that means a lot to me:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Love and comfort, Mimmi xxxxx

There are so many beauful messages on here since I last looked.

bumblelion I am so glad you are finding the strength to go it alone, and it's working for you.

Bobbins, I think you are facing your move very bravely. If you are still moving out, don't do it in a rush - pack all your precious stuff. Once out, you may not feel like putting yourself through the emotional turmoil of frequent visits back. Is there a friend who could come round with a bottle of wine and help you?

I do see Willow2 and bumblelions point of view, too, and feel that since your ex-partner is spending so little time at your home, why should you be the one to move? You have said all along that this is how you feel too. So hard to turn away.

Hate to say this, but if you think your ex dp is about to embark on a relationship with your friend, would he try to move her in if you go? On a money, house selling, lock-changing, general business level, how much do you trust him? Have you considered getting something in writing about the selling of the house, seeing a solicitor together, getting the house-selling wheels firmly in motion before you move out?

Probably this is all unnecessary, since you say he is very eager to sell the house asap. Just me cyber worrying for you...

I secondthat emotion, so many lovely messages, and its good to see I'm not the only one that's been through such messes. (not good for you obviously...that came out wrong)

I don't know whether I made a big FAT nistake last night or not. I double locked the door before I went to bed. He always does this when he's home(!). Up until last night I have always left it unlocked when he has been out at night. Last night I thought bggr it. I'm not moving out, why should I, its incredibly difficult being arond him, but he's hardly ever here anyway. We live in a rough neighbourhood and once when locked out we easily managed to break in by using a long piece of wood through the letterbox, after that we decided to always double lock the door. the only time its just on one lock overnight, since then, has been when I've been home alone and he's been out on the p*. Last night I thought maybe he won't come home tonight again, why should I be sat here risking my safety. I want a peaceful life. So I double locked it. he rolled home in the wee early hours and hammered on the door when he couldn't get in. He ended up breaking the glass in the door, came in shouting and screaming. Then he hammered a floorboard over the door and phoned the police!

He's found somewhere else to stay so many nights recently. Instead of drunkenly smashing the door in why could he not have done the same. Have I done the wrong thing? I am sure is the first unreasonable act I have made actually, but I'm not sure how unreasonable it was. I woke up this morning to a letter on the living room table from an estate agent. A valuation of the house, it's doubled in value since our purchase according to them. He had written on it that I was being unreasonable. when he got up he said his SOLICITOR had told him not to talk to me. He went off to work

I phoned my work and my manager said he would come round, I was audibly distraught, and he said he'd come round. He's nailed a big bit of board over the door. I went to try and see the CAB at 12pm, and they said I would have to wait hours. Luckily my work has a free counselling service that gives legal advice. I've phoned them. Unless I can find around £34000 and but him out, I'm going to lose everything basically!

he has just phoned to say he will ring a glazier and send them round. I gave him the dimensions and we agreed to go halves. He said I sounded like a secretary. What am I MEANT to sound like????

erm, but him out? buy him out I meant...obviously. i don't want to lose the house, I would never be able to afford another on my own. There is no way i can afford to keep it though really.

I don't feel like being on this planet anymore. Sorry if that sounds dramatic!

Bobbins, you definately need a big hug and seem to be coping better than I would. This can't go on though. Is it possible that looking at you reminds him of your son and therfore causes him pain? I may be way off but if this is the case then you need to sit and talk about it. He doesn't seem to realise the pain you are going through and is being really unfair. You need to find a way of communicating, surely you need each other at the moment to pull through?

wilma> I think I've given up wondering/worrying what is going on in his head. I just think he's beimg inexplicably cruel!!! I'm not really coping well at all, its just I can still type.

waiting for my mate to come round after she finishes work. I think if she sees him she may well just kill him. I haven't got the energy.

Bobbins, you seem to be doing wonderfully well in the circumstances, hang in there and lots of hugs from me. I think I would have done the same re the locking of the door too. I recently had a free 15 minute consultation with a solicitor re my rights if Dh does decide he's leaving me with no obligation to go any further if I don't want to. Ok we could only cover high level stuff in thsi time but it did give a clearer understanding of my basic rights. Don't know if this helps but I'm thinking of you, Take care

V
xxx

Bobbins, you seem to be doing wonderfully well in the circumstances, hang in there and lots of hugs from me. I think I would have done the same re the locking of the door too. I recently had a free 15 minute consultation with a solicitor re my rights if Dh does decide he's leaving me with no obligation to go any further if I don't want to. Ok we could only cover high level stuff in thsi time but it did give a clearer understanding of my basic rights. Don't know if this helps but I'm thinking of you, Take care

V
xxx

Bobbins, I'm speechless. The bastard. I can't believe anyone could do such a thing. Don't know what else to say.

Bobbins - do you have a mutual male friend that can try to get through to him? Does he have a best friend that you can talk to? Dunno, might help.

Sorry, but the way he is behaving makes me think he is deliberately being especially foul to you because he knows he is in the wrong. He knows his actions aren't justified and so he goes out of hiw way to create a horrid situation so that he can excuse further bad behaviour.

If he's playing the solicitor get yourself one too and get nasty. Otherwise look to arbitration services that can help make splitting up as painless as possible. (although bearing in mind he won't go for counselling he'll probably think this is hippy shit too).

Bobbins - thinking of you , nothing else to say. Take care.

Oh Bobbins, all I want to say is I am thinking about you and please take lots of care of yuorself. Life will get better for you. You certainly deserve it.

I think you are all F A B.

I'm home alone again. Guess where he is. Some friends have just returned from holiday so they obviously said...lets flow down the GUB (please don't worry any of you, had phone calls from friends and relations in France, Poland, London and local) I've been a quivering wreck most of the day, but I MUST remember that I haven't done anything wrong. I want him and his conscience to say exactly how much it is going to cost me to get free of this burden. I am determined that I will keep this house, and I think my poor Dad is too. I'll get a lodger and he is going to see how he can help me financially. Thank the good in the world for the LOVE of GOOD parents.

Who knows how this will resolve, but I've got to avoid this eroding my confidence any further.

Bobbins, good luck with sorting this out. Please do see a solicitor. If you could get a lodger to help with the mortgage maybe you could somehow manage to buy him out? You're right, why should you have to move?

I agree with so much that's been said here. Good luck Bobbins. Stick to your guns. I'm glad your Dad is being so supportive.

I wish I were Sally Lockhart (Philip Pullman character). I'm going to sit on the sofa now and read about her , (she had a pistol) and hopefully drop off to sleep. The door is stll just boarded over, so I have a hammer close at hand. So dramatic, but I'm afraid it's my present reality.

My manager has granted me tomorrow off. My Dad and I are going to go to B & Q and enquire as to how you hang a door (without glass!)

message withdrawn

Bobbins - sorry to hear what you are going through, but stay strong as you don't want to give him the satisfaction of turning into a wreck over him. If he can't totally love and support you then he isn't worth it, I've learnt that the hard way believe me!
I think you'll stay strong.
Have you thought that if you do separate he will have to pay you maintenance and that might help you keep your house - I know it might be a bit premature but just a thought.
Keep your chin up as everyone is on your side

Sorry Bobbins - I was unclear on the thread and am so sorry to hear that you have lost your child. I can't apologise enough, but he would still have to give you some kind of monetary settlement in a separation/divorce

Stay positive Bobbins

Bobbins, agree with others, get onto a solicitor right now as you so want to keep your house. Moving or staying, don't rush your decisions.

Leaving now to stay with your father doesn't have to mean losing your house. The two are separate issues. Though if I were you, I too would feel so tempted to stay and literally stand my ground. Advice is what you need and lots of it. Thinking of you.