Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling abandoned

216 replies

Bobbins · 16/09/2002 20:22

OK, as many of you will know, my partner and I are going through very difficult times at the moment. I feel like he just can't face these problems and prefers to stay out night after night. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I have had a child with such a man. The problems started from when I was first pregnant really. I obviously had to give up a large part of my social life, but my partner saw no reason why he should. I have tried to negotiate compromises...eg; you can go out whenever you want, just don't come back really drunk, and let me know when you will be home. If I know what's going to happen, then I can make alternative arrangements.

Now though, it seems that we do not have any kind of a life together. The only time we spend together is tense.

The sad thing is, Ireally feel like I need him now. When I try to talk about these problems calmly he acts like I'm taking the p*, or like a social worker. If I get angry he thinks I'm acting like I'm in the right, little miss perfect..... blah de blah. I've never claimed to be perfect. I think when you have children (lose children) there is and inevitability that you are going to change. I would like to go out with him, and come home before the daylight. This seems impossible at the moment. I wish I was able to say that this relationship is doing me no favours, and get out, but I've been through so much upheaval recently I don't feel strong enough. BUT, being with him is making me constantly anxious, not least because I worry about him, his health, his finances, his well being.

OP posts:
Scatterbrain · 23/09/2002 19:21

Hey Bobbins,
How's it going ? I'm a newie here and your story has really really touched me - kept thinking of you over the weekend !
Hope you're getting it all sorted out with your dh and that your absence today is not ominous ?

Clarinet60 · 24/09/2002 12:28

I've also been concerned after not hearing from, you Bobbins. I guess you might be busy packing.

Copper · 25/09/2002 09:45

Bobbins
where are you? how are you?

I found this phone no in the paper today and thought of you - you may have it already . It's a national child death helpline run from Great Ormond St Hospital for bereaved parents - 0800 282986.

I hope things are moving on a little for you - sounds as though your dad is really there for you.

Bobbins · 25/09/2002 12:48

Dear all,

Sorry I haven't been posting. Things are going really badly. I'm feeling really at my lowest ebb at the moment. My partner and I have definitely split, and we've got to work out what the hell we are going to do with the house. I'm going to see my G.P because I am a mass of nerves and not sleeping or eating. I thought I could cope, but I'm not. I'm going for a counselling session tomorrow. I think everything has all just got on top of me, I feel so sad and worried. I'll try and post more later. I'm really anxious about seeing my Dr...its the first time since Harvey died. thanks for thinking of me.

OP posts:
Scatterbrain · 25/09/2002 12:52

Oh Bobbins, I'm so sorry. Big Cyber Hug winging it's way to you. Good Luck at the doctors.

sobernow · 25/09/2002 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoth · 25/09/2002 13:09

bobbins, my thoughts go out to you. Make use of all the support you get. Are you at home or with your father? Wherever you are, hope you will find some peace very, very soon. If you are still at your home, I do hope your partner is moving out, now the split is happening.

While you are feeling like you are, I imagine it's going to be difficult to talk to solicitors and take in legal details about the house and your rights. If you can't concentrate on this complex business for now, can I suggest something that helped me - get advisors to write down all important details for you. Don't feel stupid about asking. I had to do this when my mother was ill and we were trying to sort out her estate. You've got so much to cope with - I hope your friends and family are right there with you.

bundle · 25/09/2002 13:27

good suggestion of Copper's - I've met some of the people from the Helpline, who are bereaved parents too. thinking of you Bobbins.

mines · 25/09/2002 15:16

Bobbins - thank you for posting, and hang on in there. Sometimes Mumsnet gives me a little window into other people's feelings that leaves me breathless - your bravery in dealing with what has happened to you in the past 12 months is incredible.

Please, try and take any support you can find. We're all rooting for you, and I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that if I can do anything more practical than just posting, you only have to ask.

The only practical thought I can add to this is that if I were in your shoes I would probably want to take a good friend and go away for a few days to try and remove myself from some of the stress.

Good luck

Scatterbrain · 25/09/2002 15:21

Well said mines - I live near you Bobbins and would be happy to try and help in any way that might help. Don't hesitate to ask !

bayleaf · 25/09/2002 20:21

Bobbins DON'T feel bad about asking for or accepting help - ANYONE who has been through what you have in the last year would be in pieces - What is amazing is that you have managed as well as you have for as long as you have.
Hope it goes Ok at the doctors
Bayleaf
x

Clarinet60 · 25/09/2002 20:26

Dear Bobbins, I wish I could help. I can't imagine what you must be going through.
Thinking of you lots,
Droile xxxxxx

ks · 25/09/2002 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

monkey · 25/09/2002 21:15

Dear bobbins - I've just seen this thread for the first time, and I'm so so sorry for all the stuff you're having to go through. It makes me so sad that you have had so many hideously tough blows in such quick succession. I wish there was something tangiable I could do, and I really send you my warmest wishes and deepest condolences. Hope the doctor treats you with warmth & compassion. I really wish you all the very best.

WideWebWitch · 25/09/2002 21:36

Bobbins, echo everyone else, thinking of you. Try to be good to yourself. I'm glad you're seeing your GP - if you're worried about it, is there a friend who could go with you? Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Bozza · 25/09/2002 21:36

Bobbins - just to reiterate what the others have said - my thoughts are with you.

ionesmum · 25/09/2002 21:47

Bobbins - I feel so sad for you. Sending you lots of best wishes, I hope that things went well at the doctor's. x

Rhubarb · 25/09/2002 22:23

Bobbins, I have a feeling that counselling will do you the world of good. It is such a relief to be able to talk to someone about it, that everything comes rushing out at once and you feel this enormous sense of relief afterwards! Perhaps you should speak to Bumblelion, her dh left her shortly after their 3rd child was born, and he is now in another relationship, she took it really badly at first and was saying similiar things to what you are saying. He was still living in the house (still is I think), rolling in late at night after being with his other 'friend', having a go at her for locking the doors etc. I hope she doesn't mind me telling you all this, I'm sure she won't. But if you look at her posts now she is much more together and on top of things, even though her baby has had to have a brain scan. So you may feel at your lowest ebb now, but in time you will feel stronger, this gloom will lift and you will start taking slow steps back to normality.

Keep posting, as we like to think we offer a 'counselling' service too! Well, we'll always listen anyway! You've got what it takes to get through this and you know you will. One day at a time.

Rhubarb · 25/09/2002 22:24

Sorry, I didn't realise Bumblelion had already posted! Just shows I should read these threads before I post on them!

Bobbins · 25/09/2002 22:42

Hello everyone,
I went to the docs this afternoon, he was very good, he asked me all the right questions, then came the crunch.."how do you feel about anti depressants?" EUGH, I feel like they are for other people ....not me, but I just said as long as you can assure me I am not going to becaome dependant, he said I wouldn't as there is no"buzz", they will just help me get over this really difficult time...splitting up and dealing with ALL the losses. So I've been diagnosed clinically depressed, displaying all the classic symptoms!! He did say though, that he was quite amazed that I've been coping as well as I have. He asked me if I wanted to be signed off work, and I said no, that been a life line....some kind of routine.

So now I am officially part of the Prozac nation. Hopefully not for too long. I really didn't think it would come to this, as I thought I could work through the grief with the help of my partner and the hope of trying for another baby. Before this bombshell of separation I really was doing quite well. I'm going to see a therapist tomorrow evening as well. BLIMEY!

Apparently "the drugs don't work" for around two weeks. Hopefully I will soon be able to deal with all the financial crap that is inevitable, and maybe even enjoying socialising a little more.

(ex) partner and I are still under the same roof, which is contributing greatly to my angst. I still can't quite believe I am going through these further traumas. I can't help remembering that quote from "The Importance of Being Earnest", about losing one parent being unfortunate, to lose two is careless ...something like that ...

Thanks for all your support, I'll let you know how things are going xxxxxx

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 25/09/2002 22:56

Bobbins, I'm so glad your doctor was nice. Please don't worry about being part of "Prozac Nation" as you put it: there's really no shame in accepting help if and when you need it. Well done for going and I really hope the counselling is good too.

ScummyMummy · 25/09/2002 23:01

Hi Bobbins. So glad the doctor was good. Hope that Prozac works for you, hon. I've been thinking of you. Take care x

Scuba · 25/09/2002 23:11

Bobbins the medication the doctor has given you will help you cope through a very difficult time don't feel bad about taking them especially if it's in the short term. You should be proud of yourself for being able to recognise when you need help it's something that not many of us do when we should. I work in the health service and mental health is something that has so much stigma - what many people don't realise is that sadness, stress, anxiety, grief, bereavement, being uable to cope, pnd, depression relationship difficulties etc is something that we can all get and are forms of treatable mental health states, ie just as if we were ill. Very few people are immune but even fewer have the guts to get to help (sorry if i sound like i'm preaching). So well done for taking that step and good luck.

jasper · 26/09/2002 00:22

Bobbins, following a traumatic separation from my (now ex) husband, prozac saved my life.
Don't add to your worries by feeling bad about taking antidepressants.Your GP would not have suggested them if he/she did not think they were really needed.
They don't put you on a high, they just sort of clear the fog so you can think straight.
Good luck.

Ghosty · 26/09/2002 08:07

Dear Bobbins, after all you have been through and now this? My heart goes out to you all the way around the world.
On the anti depressant front I found that they helped by cutting off the peaks and troughs and allowed me to get on with the daily ordinary things that otherwise I had been unable to do. You are just more able to get through the days without losing the plot. I agree with Rhubarb - that counselling will help too. You have had so much to deal with recently and counselling might be able to help you put it all into perspective.
BTW remembering the Importance of Being Ernest quote makes me think there is still a sense of humour lurking ?!? Good on you!
Cyber hugs, Ghosty

Swipe left for the next trending thread