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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling abandoned

216 replies

Bobbins · 16/09/2002 20:22

OK, as many of you will know, my partner and I are going through very difficult times at the moment. I feel like he just can't face these problems and prefers to stay out night after night. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I have had a child with such a man. The problems started from when I was first pregnant really. I obviously had to give up a large part of my social life, but my partner saw no reason why he should. I have tried to negotiate compromises...eg; you can go out whenever you want, just don't come back really drunk, and let me know when you will be home. If I know what's going to happen, then I can make alternative arrangements.

Now though, it seems that we do not have any kind of a life together. The only time we spend together is tense.

The sad thing is, Ireally feel like I need him now. When I try to talk about these problems calmly he acts like I'm taking the p*, or like a social worker. If I get angry he thinks I'm acting like I'm in the right, little miss perfect..... blah de blah. I've never claimed to be perfect. I think when you have children (lose children) there is and inevitability that you are going to change. I would like to go out with him, and come home before the daylight. This seems impossible at the moment. I wish I was able to say that this relationship is doing me no favours, and get out, but I've been through so much upheaval recently I don't feel strong enough. BUT, being with him is making me constantly anxious, not least because I worry about him, his health, his finances, his well being.

OP posts:
Willow2 · 14/10/2002 09:00

No - I meant you. Oh well - are you able to come to the Christmas knees up or is that a logistical nightmare too?

SimonHoward · 14/10/2002 09:02

Tissy

Spot on. It also attracts cats.

Clarinet60 · 14/10/2002 11:44

Thanks Willow2.
We shall see. I do feel a long distance trip coming on.

Clarinet60 · 14/10/2002 22:01

Wow, that was clever. I had a twilight-zone moment there.
That should do the trick though.

Willow2 · 14/10/2002 22:58

Are you amazed by my magical powers? I went a bit loopy during the last series, but I'm ok now.

Clarinet60 · 14/10/2002 23:07

You should check out the Not Church thread, willow2.

Clarinet60 · 16/10/2002 11:22

Bobbins, how are you?
Worrying about you.

Bobbins · 16/10/2002 19:57

Hi Droile

I'm stll alive. He moved out tonight. I really quite detest him. I'm going to be alright though. I can't go into details here, but I have things sorted on the financial side, and if his conscience (???!!!) allows him to quibble with the offer we make I will be even MORE dumbfounded than I am already. I'm going to manage. My father is going to help for a couple of months with the motgage (he's moved to a flat and apparentl its expensive...MY HEART BLEEDS) and hopefully the mortgage will be transferred over to me in the not too distant. I will take my time to find a decent lodger. of course I'm going to be worse of financially, but at least I can attempt to move on emotionally. He has his new lady friend, a fat little nursery nurse (sorry, had to get that in), younger and obviously much stupider than me. I hope her "friends" treat her in a similar way to the way she has me. Good luck to them, see how she deals with it!!!

The only thing that is annoying me at the moment is, he's taken the main telly and left me with one that has no blinking sound!! BUT, I have managed to salvage the computer. So you int got rid of me yet!!! Thanks for thinking of me

OP posts:
Bobbins · 16/10/2002 20:01

"he's moving to an expensive flat"....meaning ex with unPRICKable conscience and not my darling Dad

OP posts:
jessi · 16/10/2002 22:02

Bobbins, so pleased to hear he's moved out at last. I have been following your troubles with him and haven't added anything before as you have had such good advice from other mumsnetters. Anyway, as we are meeting next week, I wanted you to know that I think its great that you've got your house back and I for one will be buying you a large G&T/whatever your tipple is to toast his departure. Take care and well done to you girl.

robinw · 16/10/2002 22:02

message withdrawn

Clarinet60 · 16/10/2002 22:26

Glad things are moving, Bobbins. Good riddance to the bar-steward, you're well shot. And the 'friend'. Sounds like they deserve each other.

Hope a new chapter can now begin and you can start to have your life back. I read your latest post on the Life After Losing thread and was immensely moved. What a lovely mother you are.

tigermoth · 16/10/2002 22:27

"I'm going to be all right, though" - you said it bobbins. The future's all yours now.

ScummyMummy · 16/10/2002 22:30

Well said, Jessi and robinw and Droile and Tigermoth. Take care of yourself Bobbins and take it a day at a time.

Bobbins · 16/10/2002 23:06

Thank you laydees (and vengeful man - SH!)

I do feel a lot more positive about everything. i am a one for "fresh starts". At least I get to keep my house. If I got off the property ladder now, I cannot imagine ever getting back on it. he will have his nice tidy sum and no bad record of debt. I'll be the one taking the risk, by taking on the full mortgage. But, as you say, I am well rid. The reason why he has eventually moved out is...I suppose I wore him down....he kept denying for the last two months that anything was going on with him and the wart hog....but I kept confronting him. They cannot treat me like a complete FOOL...rolling in at 7am every morning...even my neighbours have seen them together and confronted him. So eventually he stopped denying it. He had promised that while he was living under the same roof as me he wouldn't be with anyone else...he broke that promise ...as he has SO many others...so he knew he needed to get out...once it was out.

it doesn't matter how much of a he has been,he is still entitled to a shed load of equity. I will be reasonable about it though...which is much more than he has been. i can't believe I loved this man!!!!

Anyway, in absence of telly I have the last in the Sally Lockhart series(Pullman) to get into. I wish I were such an adept finacial person...but I'll do OK. I still wish I had my little Harvmiester....and still feel pd off ...cos if Harvey was here he would not be ale to put me in such a crappy situation...talk about opportunism...I bet he'll bury that deep within his sub conscious tho

AND ...I look forwards to meeting jessi next week and the rest of you rabble in November.

OP posts:
Bobbins · 16/10/2002 23:23

hmm...Mr Ashcroft perhaps "The Drugs DO Work" ...

It is hard to judge whether or not these positive feelings are a natural progression ...or chemically enhanced.

Thank you Prozac...or thank you counse,llor...or thank you people, friends and family around me???

Isuppose I shouldn't analyze that TOO much..so long as I am feeling better

OP posts:
Scuba · 16/10/2002 23:40

Bobbins glad to see you're dealing with everything so well. You've dealt with the situation with far more dignity than he has. Good ridance to bad rubbish. It's incredibly draining living the way you've had done recently. I'm sure part of the positiveness you're experiencing comes from no longer being a beast of burden and shedding the burden of your beast .

jasper · 16/10/2002 23:57

Hurray bobbins!
here's to the next chapter

Marina · 17/10/2002 11:00

As others have said, well done to you, Bobbins. I'm so pleased for you he's out of your home. You've walked out of this relationship like a grown-up and kept your sense of humour and dignity. You've got so many friends on here empathising with your situation, thinking of you and wishing you well. You have your house. You have the courage and the emotional capacity to grieve fully for your little son and your mum without destroying other people's lives, or your own.
What has he got? None of this. Tigermoth said it all. See you in November.

Scatterbrain · 17/10/2002 12:51

Hi Bobbins,

Can't add much to what everyone else has said ! (Blimey - I have one night off line and all this happens !!) - but that really is great news !

Onwards and upwards !

Looking forward to meeting you next week - I'll have the next G&T lined up for you too !

Cyber Hugs !

Viv · 17/10/2002 13:59

Bobbins, so glad you are feeling more positive and that you can now move to your fresh start. Good luck and thinking of you.

sobernow · 17/10/2002 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scuba · 18/10/2002 00:02

Bobbins and everyone have a lovely time at the meet, wish I could be there.

Bobbins · 18/10/2002 00:17

Hi everyone.

Still feeling in the whole....positive, but now he has finally gone ther is a distinct difference. I usually have our dog, Ali, at home, and he has taken her (actually she's at his Mum's house, they have a business together). I'm missing just having another living, breathing being in the house, that demands attention. I can't keep her unfortunately, because I'd have to leave her at home in the house all day. I'll still get access (????!!!) but it just feels really empty. I miss having someone around to feel for.
Looking forwardsa to next weeks meet up tho

OP posts:
Scuba · 18/10/2002 00:33

Great to hear your feeling so much better. I know it's not the same I wanted to get a dog for my ds but just not practical. I thought about getting a cat, rabbit or guinea pig or hamster or even a budgie. It's something you could still cuddle and talk to.

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