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216 replies

Bobbins · 16/09/2002 20:22

OK, as many of you will know, my partner and I are going through very difficult times at the moment. I feel like he just can't face these problems and prefers to stay out night after night. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I have had a child with such a man. The problems started from when I was first pregnant really. I obviously had to give up a large part of my social life, but my partner saw no reason why he should. I have tried to negotiate compromises...eg; you can go out whenever you want, just don't come back really drunk, and let me know when you will be home. If I know what's going to happen, then I can make alternative arrangements.

Now though, it seems that we do not have any kind of a life together. The only time we spend together is tense.

The sad thing is, Ireally feel like I need him now. When I try to talk about these problems calmly he acts like I'm taking the p*, or like a social worker. If I get angry he thinks I'm acting like I'm in the right, little miss perfect..... blah de blah. I've never claimed to be perfect. I think when you have children (lose children) there is and inevitability that you are going to change. I would like to go out with him, and come home before the daylight. This seems impossible at the moment. I wish I was able to say that this relationship is doing me no favours, and get out, but I've been through so much upheaval recently I don't feel strong enough. BUT, being with him is making me constantly anxious, not least because I worry about him, his health, his finances, his well being.

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Bobbins · 17/09/2002 19:32

I'm sorry about all this guys. I managed to get through both the bereavements without relying heavily on sympathy. I'm not asking for sympathy actually. Its just I feel so sorry for myself at the moment. I didn't feel sorry for myself after the bereavements so much.Especially because at the time I thought my partner and I would be getting through it together.

I feel like a whinger, but I'm just a bit lost at the moment. and jeezus..I want my MUM

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Tinker · 17/09/2002 19:34

Bobbins - this whole thing sounds like such a mess. I think a break away from each other is what you need - don't think of it is a failure. I think it's for the good of your heart and mind at the moment. Give yourself some peace and look after YOU for a bit. All the best T

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Mopsy · 17/09/2002 19:39

Bobbins I am wondering if because of the enormous emotional pain and distress over the terrible loss of Harvey, your dh has 'learnt' that deep emotional entanglement, ie real love, is too risky. It appears to me that he has withdrawn into a shell or bubble and is living a life devoid of responsibility or consideration of others as he now believes that that is the only 'safe' way to be. Unfortunately this obviously has devastating consequences for those around him, and ultimately for himself. This is all part of the inability of the 'average man' to communicate his feelings and emotions as naturally as most women do, and instead he has built up a wall around himself in protection against more pain. He really needs to see a counsellor or psychotherapist experienced in bereavement issues - however understanding and patient you are (and TBH I don't think you should be - you need support and love too) he will only deal with this through professional help.

I was wondering if either SANDS or the NCT's Register of Experiences can put you in touch with someone suitable, and/or other parents who have been through something similar.

Sorry if you think this is rubbish, just my thoughts on what you have described. Love Mopsy x

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Bobbins · 17/09/2002 19:47

Mopsy, thanks but I really don't think he's going to be open to that. He thinks he's fine, wants to get out of the relationship and continue partying. He doesn't want to be with anyone he says. I can see that what you are saying is subconsciously what is going on. I've suggested he needs some counselling, and he just angrily said..."you gonna send somebody round?". at the moment he is quietly just feeding his belly and tending to his needs. He has said he thinks he's doing me a favour by staying away at the weekend.

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bayleaf · 17/09/2002 20:05

I think there's probably a lot of truth in what Mopsy has said - though I'm equally sure that he would never admit it from what you've said of him. His hitting out at you constantly with the ''you think you're so perfect'' line seems to me simply a way of rejecting discussion. You are trying to be reasonable and to get him to open up and discuss things. He absolutely deosn't want to so hits out at you verbally - you haven't actually done anything wrong FOR him to hit out at you about - so he has to try and make out that there is something wrong in the fact that you are NOT guilty of anything!
You HAVEN'T done anything wrong - and cetainly nothing to deserve this. I winced when you said you felt like a failure - HOW CAN YOU BE A FAILURE - You have coped, as you said yourself, without self pity with more emotional pain than most people ever know after harvey's death- and then more when you lost your mother on top.

It's excelent news that you have a evening out to look forward to and some of your real friends around you - but do think long and hard about moving back in with your dad for a little while. It would be good for you to be with someone who loves you AND SHOWS IT ( you said your dad and brother had been very supportive) and whatever happens with dp you do need time to recharge yourself.
Please, please though remember that you are NOT a failure - ther are a lot of people on mumsnet who really admire you for how you have coped.

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Bobbins · 17/09/2002 21:03

Mopsy...bayleaf> you are both right. He says he just wants to be on his own, what fun! I'm afraid, I've just got to try and get through this, in as much of a business like manner as possible. It hursts so much, but I think I am going to have to move to my dads as he is NOT going to budge. Its so hard to see any kind of a future at the moment for myself, but rationally I know I will. I will get through this.

i phoned the girl (supposedly...my friend) that he spent most of the weekend wit, and let off steam. The thinng that makes me doubly mad is that against my better judgment...previous resolve...I have intervened when her ex boyfriend was being an a*hole, and given her support. She's single now. Don't know why I bother. Thank god I have got friends who do care about me. I'm feeling so low at the moment. one of them has just reassured me over the phone that I CAN get through this!

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WideWebWitch · 17/09/2002 21:13

bobbins, this is so sad. I've said my bit on the bereavement thread but what you said about wanting your mum really struck a chord. I know you're not here looking for sympathy but you have mine anyway. Keep talking about this - I hope you find a solution.

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Rhubarb · 17/09/2002 21:24

Bobbins I'm in Preston I'm afraid. I really feel for you right now. Moving to your dad's is probably the best thing you can do, you cannot grieve for both of you. You are not a failure, you have done your best under extreme circumstances. Your dh has to help himself, you cannot force help onto him. Right now you have to put yourself first. Living under the same roof as him is obviously driving you mad, so you must get out if he won't. Spend some time with your family, it will do you good anyway. Don't do anything about the house just yet, instead spend the next couple of weeks relaxing and talking to your family and friends. Once you feel stronger and calmer then perhaps you can deal with the house and so on. You are entitled to see a solicitor for 1/2 hours free legal advice and you may be entitled to legal aid. See your Citizen's Advice Bureau to find out where you stand. But leave all of that for now, you are on an emotional rollercoaster and need to ground yourself first. I bet you haven't even grieved properly yet, it has only been 5 months since your loss.

Email me anyway if you like. I may not be posting on Mumsnet for a while, I may give it a rest, but I shall look in from time to time for your posts and I shall be thinking of you.

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Bobbins · 17/09/2002 21:27

wickedwaterwitch> this would be breaking my mums heart. She knew we had problems, but she so sincerely hoped we could work things out. I think bith she and I are hopeless romantics. I just wish I could go round and chat to her now and share a couple of glasses of wine. She always saw the best in people, and always tried to try and make me see the best in my partner even when things were going sour. She loved him as much as I did, and she just wanted us to be happy and together, she always did her very best not to interfere. I dearly wish she could now!

this is what my big brother had to say about her in a recent mail.


don't know if this is simply some sort
of

retro-active delusion, but when I think of her there is simply nothing
with
which to remonstrate. Yes, she did appear to get angry at times, but it
always seemed to be an exercise that required extreme effort, not the
natural modus-operandi that it is for us, almost a pretence, an attempt to
do as the Romans do, an experiment in relationship. I was so inspired to
hear Jan speak of Mum. Dad, you found a very special girl when you met
Mum,
as you undoubtedly know. I have often wished that I might meet someone so
gifted in the knowledge of Love, they are few and far between in this day
and age (peut-etre toujours), let me assure you.

On second thoughts I want to remonstrate with Mum about my hair. Why did
you
always want to cut it Mum, and upon cutting it, why such a bad cut? I can
only conclude that you wanted me to never get laid. On third thoughts,
maybe that was a judicious tactic, for I have been unlovingly laid too
many
times to mention. So, yet again, I bow to your wisdom! Here's to the
virtue
of the bad haircut.

No, nothing to forgive Mum, J'ne regret rein. You were always loving and
caring for all of us and more. I will always remember walking around
Caterham with Mum. We encountered a small human being with no hands- this
was a shock to me - how could someone be so deprived. It was dark and I
remember looking up into Mums' face and asking 'What can I do?'. Well, she
actually had no answer, just a troubled look, which said 'whatever you can
do my son' and we went home. To that beautiful house in Caterham, Dad, the
place that I will always think of as my home supreme. That wonderfull
hilly
garden in which we lost our cats and you and I resurrected a great motor
cycle, and me Zepher, Turan and Ian played war again and again. That
little
square where you taught me to ride a bike, you and Mum both, you bought me
a
'space master' the most uncool bike in existence, but I could ride it and
that was the most important thing.


_

sorry just had to share that as I thought it was just such a lovely way of talking about her


now I'm off thread again!!!!

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Bobbins · 17/09/2002 22:17

My Dad has gone out with some work colleagues tonight, to a Polish restaurant, so I can't go nowhere tonight. I'll movetomorrow. Haven't talked to un/partner since earlier blow up....So I'm just going to look at all this nonsense about trolls/people leaving. I think its all really sad and unecessary a bit like my situation.

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Viv · 18/09/2002 10:27

Bobbins, I haven't really much to add to all the wonderful advice you have been given here, just to let you know that I am thinking of you especially if you move today.
LOL V.

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Clarinet60 · 18/09/2002 11:26

Add my support to that also Bobbins. Good luck & love xxxxxxxxxxxx

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Bobbins · 18/09/2002 15:17

Well, I know I really should move out tonight, I still feel very confused about it. I can't believe it's really happening. I keep hoping he'll turn around and say he's realised he's making a dreadful mistake and he wants to put some effort into the relationship. I've got a couple of hours until I go home, and I'm starting to feel anxious about what the night will bring. This isn't good.

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Scuba · 18/09/2002 15:59

Bobbins may be being around someone who can show they care about you may make feel a little better, you'll also have someone to talk to even if it's just ordinary conversation. If you want to return to your home at some later stage there won't be a problem will there?

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Bobbins · 18/09/2002 16:08

No Scuba, there won't be, but if I come back before he has found anywhere else to live, or anything is sorted with the house, it wuold be incredibly awkward. He made it plain last night that its over basically, he's fed up of saying sorry. So we either sell the house or I have to find some way of buying him out, which is going to cause no end of hassle. I'm not sure that I can handle all this.

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Bozza · 18/09/2002 16:14

Bobbins try to take it one step at a time. If you can manage move to your Dad's tonight. And then you will have achieved something and can congratulate yourself. There is no need to worry about splitting the house just yet. And it certainly sounds as if your partner is not short of money the amount he is able to invest in his social life.

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Bobbins · 18/09/2002 16:24

Bozza, I have asked him where he gets all the money from many times, anyway, as we are splitting up its not my concern anymore is it! I know I shouldn't be worrying about the splitting of the house yet, but I just worry about so many things. What would happen to photos of Harvey etc?
YUK

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Bozza · 18/09/2002 16:29

I guess the photos are more precious than the house Bobbins. Also know that it is easy for me to sit here and give advice and much more difficult for you to follow it through. Still we are all thinking of you if that helps.

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Scuba · 18/09/2002 17:02

Bobbins I know it easy for me to talk you're the one going through this. But Bozza is right you should congratulate yourself you've made a decision just the first of probably many more difficult ones, but you will get through this. If you need someone to talk to there's always someone on mumsnet. Unfortunately I'm no where near you and I'm having trouble with my email. Stay in contact.

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bayleaf · 18/09/2002 19:12

Good luck Bobbins if you decide to go tonight - your brother sounds like a really nice bloke from his lovely 'ramblings' about your mother - stick with the family you've got left, they'll get you throught this.

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Clarinet60 · 18/09/2002 19:56

Hope all goes reasonably, Bobbins. You could have copies made of all the photos of your precious son, either from the negatives or the actual photos, so you don't need to lose a single one. I can imagine how scary this new phase of your life is and hope you know we are all rooting for you.

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berries · 18/09/2002 20:06

Bobbins - good luck with the move if you do go. It sounds like you're having a really s**y time at the mo, and if you ask me you should be shouting for lots of sympathy, not apologising. I wish there was something I could do to help, but all I can do is send big cyber hugs. Hope everything picks up for you soon.

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Willow2 · 18/09/2002 22:14

Talk about having to deal with more than your fair share. Bobbins - whatever happens you are in my thoughts, but think you should go to your dad's and be with someone who is supportive and comforting, not someone who is acting like a complete arse wipe. I don't know you are your un partner from adam, but know people who have been in very similar situations and think I'm right in saying that many relationships are taken to the brink after the loss of a child. Organisations like SANDS really can help - but only if he'll let them in. Maybe when he realises that he's also losing you he might come to his senses.

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Willow2 · 18/09/2002 22:15

Sorry, that hsould have been "you or your un-partner"

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Willow2 · 18/09/2002 22:15

Taxi for Willow2....

Is there a brian in the house?

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