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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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216 replies

Bobbins · 16/09/2002 20:22

OK, as many of you will know, my partner and I are going through very difficult times at the moment. I feel like he just can't face these problems and prefers to stay out night after night. Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in him. How could I have had a child with such a man. The problems started from when I was first pregnant really. I obviously had to give up a large part of my social life, but my partner saw no reason why he should. I have tried to negotiate compromises...eg; you can go out whenever you want, just don't come back really drunk, and let me know when you will be home. If I know what's going to happen, then I can make alternative arrangements.

Now though, it seems that we do not have any kind of a life together. The only time we spend together is tense.

The sad thing is, Ireally feel like I need him now. When I try to talk about these problems calmly he acts like I'm taking the p*, or like a social worker. If I get angry he thinks I'm acting like I'm in the right, little miss perfect..... blah de blah. I've never claimed to be perfect. I think when you have children (lose children) there is and inevitability that you are going to change. I would like to go out with him, and come home before the daylight. This seems impossible at the moment. I wish I was able to say that this relationship is doing me no favours, and get out, but I've been through so much upheaval recently I don't feel strong enough. BUT, being with him is making me constantly anxious, not least because I worry about him, his health, his finances, his well being.

OP posts:
bells2 · 26/09/2002 08:39

Bobbins, you are doing so well. Hope the Prozac works for you.

lyners · 26/09/2002 12:34

Try Kira St. John's Wort One - a - day strength to anyone feeling low - it really works and helps tackle the most monstrous days to with sometimes frightening strength!!

Marina · 26/09/2002 16:00

Bobbins, just caught up with this thread - access to Mumsnet has been sporadic for me this week as we have had family staying in the same room as the PC. So pleased to hear that after such a crisis your GP came good and asked all the right questions. I was given some temazepam to get me through the wait for Thomas to be born and I was astonished at how much it helped me. I hope Prozac helps you similarly and am thinking of you. Am also reading Ruby in the Smoke and wishing I was 16, gorgeous and armed too.

prufrock · 26/09/2002 18:15

Bobbins
I think that quoting Oscar Wilde and The Verve in one post makes you schizophrenic, not clinically depressed

Clarinet60 · 26/09/2002 23:01

I'd like to add my support too, Bobbins. Antidepressants can really help get you through and may take the rough edges off a little.
A word of caution to the St John's wort suggestion - this preparation has had some very good results but it doesn't mix well. If taking it, be careful about other medicines, and as Bobbins has had her medication prescribed, she shouldn't mix it with this. Not that you would Bobbins, but just in case.

Copper · 02/10/2002 15:39

How are you, Bobbins?

bundle · 02/10/2002 15:49

good to warn though, Droile. St John's Wort is contraindicated with just about everything and not all doctors know that much about it.

mines · 07/10/2002 22:51

Where is Bobbins? Anyone seen her posting on any other threads?

Bobbins · 08/10/2002 22:05

Hello All,
We are still both living in the same house. He has been staying round one of my supposed friends house five nights out of seven...watching telly he says!!!. I confronted him tonight, asking if they had slept together yet. EUGH...its all so horrible. He said nothing had happened "for NOW"!!!!! I have texted her saying I felt betraayed and VERY angry...and she anything has denied anything has happened too...but then he took the dog for a walk and I said..."don't worry he'll phone you in a minute":....no reply. When he returned I asked if he'd spoken to her...and he just got angry. I know I am not paranoid. I am just PAYING ATTENTION. He then went to have a bath. I texted him in bath and saying "I'm not completely stupid you know"...he picked it up straight away..so I text him again saying..."ahh...did you think it was her"

I can't believe that people can be so cruel. This would make a good play. I'm so ANGRY (better than feeling like a nervous wreck!), he says he is going to see his tomorrow. FINE. I juat have to somehow find the money to buy him out. I will not be defeated. I've been through too much already!

OP posts:
Clarinet60 · 08/10/2002 22:10

Sorry to hear things are still like this, Bobbins. Thinking of you. xx

Bobbins · 08/10/2002 22:21

Thanks Droile

that was meant to be ...he said he would go and see his "solicitor" tomorrow

I'm fuming and not thinking/writing straight. I can't believe this is the man I loved and had a child with!

OP posts:
Bobbins · 08/10/2002 22:23

I feel like giving as good as I'm getting, but its not really in my nature

OP posts:
Scatterbrain · 08/10/2002 22:27

Hi Bobbins,

Sounds horrid but glad you're giving as good as you're getting ! Don't let it get to you too much.

Thinking of you

xxx

Bobbins · 08/10/2002 22:38

Thanks Scatterbrain. I am feeling really bitter and resentful. I hate it. You get what you give and all that, but I feel like he has done irreperrable (?sp?) damage, and I've got to fight back, all I REALLY want is some love from him, but it just AIN'T gonna happen.

Look forwards to meeting you, hopefully I'll be calmer by then!

OP posts:
Bobbins · 08/10/2002 23:32

Legally/financially I'm in a horrible bind...unless I can find a way to buy him out I'm going to lose my house...If I still had Harvey EVERYTHING would be different. Its all just too horrible for words!

OP posts:
robinw · 09/10/2002 07:00

message withdrawn

Marina · 09/10/2002 10:16

Bobbins, I am glad to hear that you feel strong enough to take him on, now that this is what you need to do, but so very sorry that it has come to this for you both. Post here as often as it helps, knowing that even when you are not posting, people are thinking of you.

Scatterbrain · 09/10/2002 10:44

Hi Bobbins,

I'm trying to think of practical things that could help you sort all this out - I don't know anything about this but I'm wondering if you could get extra mortgage if you rented a room out ? If you could find someone nice it could even be company for you.

I know someone who did that and they not only got to keep the house, but also got a really great friend into the bargain - just a thought anyway.

Also - don't let him drag you down to his level - you're a better person than him and you did nothing to deserve this treatment. Could you be away when he is home ? I'm just wondering if a bit of reverse psychology might do some good - ie. if he thinks you are rebuilding your life without him and he thinks you are enjoying life again - maybe, possibly, he might want a part in your life again ? God - it sounds like I'm saying "pretend you've got a new boyfriend so he'll be jealous" (as in when you're 15 !) - but I don't mean that - just let him see that you don't need him in your life.

I'm rambling again - I'll shut up !

Remember we're all thinking of you on here

SoupDragon · 09/10/2002 11:09

Bobbins, I've not real practical suggestions/help to offer you. I'd suggest getting your own valuation(s) done on the house just to be safe though. Estate agents can vary with their estimates.

Good luck

tigermoth · 09/10/2002 12:53

bobbins, too bad you are caught in this sorry saga with your partner.

I really think he should move out. It looks like he's got another place to go to anyway (whatever the sleeping arrangements). He's spending so much time away as it is. It sounds like he doesn't want to commit himself either way, and that's so selfish of him.

You say you are desperate to buy him out. Have you seen mortgage advisors about this yet? The high street ones do have standard requirements about income etc as I'm sure you know, but in the newspaper I've seen mortgage company advertisments with offers of mortgage deals for people who fall outside the standard categories. You say your house has doubled in value, so you have collateral(sp),and lenders are very keen on that. A while ago I was investigating these offers myself and was amazed how easily it was to get a bigger mortgage or loan without proof of income. I decided it wasn't for me.

However, if you feel you could take the risk, and offset a higher mortgage or loan payment by renting out a room, might it just be possible to buy out your partner?

Batters · 09/10/2002 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhubarb · 09/10/2002 21:53

Bobbins - you say that if you still had Harvey everything would be different, are you sure about that? It may have taken a different course over a longer time period, but I get the feeling that he simply isn't committed, and it's not just because of what happened to Harvey.

You know what I would do? I would say that if there is nothing going on between these two then they won't object to a meeting to clear the air. Suggest somewhere neutral, such as a local bar or cafe. You need to sort out living arrangements and as he is at hers 5 days out of 7, this woman needs to hear what you have to say too, as it affects her just as much. Ask for honesty, explain to both how you are feeling at the moment and what you would like to see happen, then ask each of them how they are feeling and what they would like to see happen. Be calm and civilised about it all, and hopefully this will clear the air and provide you with some much needed answers.

I cannot give you any legal advice, but I do know that a lot of costs can be saved if matters can be dealt with amicably with you and your H. So it is vital that you both start talking seriously about where you go from here. The longer he mucks you about, the longer it will take for you to get your life back on track. Either he sets you free or he puts as much effort into the relationship as you are doing - that ultimatum is reasonable. He is acting like a child, and so you must be strong and be the adult one. Take control now and you will earn yourself respect and self-esteem. He has no right to treat you like this and you don't sound as though you will let him get away with it lightly.

I will be thinking of you and hope that one day, soon, your messages will have the upbeat quality that Bumblelions messages have started getting. This situation will not last forever, and your emotions will change in time, you will get over this and come out a stronger person. Love, R.

WideWebWitch · 09/10/2002 22:49

Bobbins, not much to add but my sympathy. Keep posting.

Bobbins · 10/10/2002 11:18

Dear all,

Thanks for your support. I have moved on a bit on the financial side, and I know everything is do-able financially. I won't go into details here though, for obvious reasons.

Rhubarb> I wasn't talking about Harvey making a difference to how he's behaving, I mean that if I still had a child I would have been in a stronger situation with regard to keeping hold of the house.

I do think I can sort it out. He came in at 7am again this morning, that is when she goes to work and he has to get out of the house. This means my last hours sleep is lost due to the feeling of having my nose well and truly rubbed in it. So I have texted her to ask if they can sort something out to remedy this.

I don't know how civilised I would be capable of being if I was sat around a table with them.

OP posts:
Scatterbrain · 10/10/2002 11:27

Hi Bobbins,

Great news on the finance front - now you can really move forward - you can do it, you can, yes you definitely can !

I couldn't be civilised either - I'd want to chop all his clothes up and chuck them out on the pavement - very undignified I know but I would feel so much better !!

One thing crossed my mind - why isn't he allowed to stay in her house after she leaves ? Doesn't she trust him ? Odd sort of relationship then !

Keep your chin up & keep posting !