Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

243 replies

where2begin · 02/07/2020 13:17

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

OP posts:
Original poster
where2begin · 05/07/2020 19:58

@Socialdistancegintonic - yes I raised this issue with them - I actually mentioned it specifically in my update....

OP posts:
Original poster
where2begin · 05/07/2020 20:00

Posted too soon...

.. @Socialdistancegintonic - yes I raised this issue with them - I actually mentioned it specifically in my update.... the part about being coerced and potentially being under age.

He will make this up to me, but not because I'm standing behind him saying do x, y and a or else. That's what I meant by I'm not expecting him to make this up to me and I don't want to be that person. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
wildone84 · 05/07/2020 20:49

@Busybee2912

Why does everyone on mumsnet think that women are all still coerced into sex work? It’s not the case anymore. I know women who do it. A good friend of mine does. They do it for the money, it pays well. My friend used it to pay off her mortgage and gave up a good job to do it full time. No one made her. Same for a lot of others, you see them on social media advertising themselves and showing off their lavish lifestyles of luxury holidays, clothes, cars etc.

I’m not saying people aren’t coerced. But I don’t feel sorry for those who choose to do it themselves because they want the money. There are plenty of them.

Because we also know people who are stuck in that disgusting job because they need the money, and feel there is no other option. Your good friend is in the minority.
jackdaw141 · 05/07/2020 20:57

@Busybee2912

Why does everyone on mumsnet think that women are all still coerced into sex work? It’s not the case anymore.

They don't. But some significant number of women worldwide are. Not all. But SOME. And they are MANY.

It is not rocket science, for god's sake.

Fuckwit.

SoulofanAggron · 05/07/2020 21:10

@Busybee2912 A few women are like that but a lot/most of the women in prostitution/sex work were victims of childhood sexual abuse, have MH or addiction issues etc.

So IDK about most being coerced, but certainly most are vulnerable to being exploited in some way. It is exploitation of vulnerable women.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:13

@wildone84 She’s not in the minority though. There are loads, all over the social media. I just don’t think it’s right that they’re all seen as victims, if they choose to do it themselves for financial gain. Having been a victim of sexual abuse myself, I feel labelling all sex workers as victims, belittles true victims.

@jackdaw141 Back at you.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:15

@SoulofanAggron I’m not disputing that. I’m sure there are. But from the people I know, they actually resent being thought of as people who need saving and unable to make their own choices.

CardsforKittens · 05/07/2020 21:21

But there is absolutely no way for a man watching porn to tell whether the women he’s watching have been coerced. So every time a man wanks to porn there’s a good chance he’s getting off to an exploited woman’s misery. Many men don’t care. Frankly I would find this unacceptable in a partner.

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 21:22

[quote Busybee2912]@wildone84 She’s not in the minority though. There are loads, all over the social media. I just don’t think it’s right that they’re all seen as victims, if they choose to do it themselves for financial gain. Having been a victim of sexual abuse myself, I feel labelling all sex workers as victims, belittles true victims.

@jackdaw141 Back at you.[/quote]
I've worked with sex workers and I disagree with you. Social media is not real life. It is a front that one presents to the world.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:29

@wildone84 maybe some areas of sex work. But webcamming (Which is what this thread was about) etc, it isn’t the case at all. They work for themselves and earn a fortune.

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 21:30

[quote Busybee2912]@wildone84 maybe some areas of sex work. But webcamming (Which is what this thread was about) etc, it isn’t the case at all. They work for themselves and earn a fortune.[/quote]
They don't all earn a fortune. The industry is saturated. It can take a long time to get to the point where you build up a client base so to speak and earn a fortune.

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 21:33

@Busybee2912 - You make it sound like these self employed performers are in control. Did you know that many of the performances cam girls do for clients, are recorded and available on the internet indefinitely for whoever wants to watch? And can never be erased. There's no control whatsoever over the end result.

Just because someone is participating in their own oppression doesn't mean they're not being oppressed.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:35

@wildone84 I know that too, as I said my friend does it. The others that I know of, also earn a fortune because they do it full time and yes, have spent time building a profile and have advertised themselves effectively. But it’s still their choice to do that. Sex abuse victims don’t consent. That’s my issue with labelling them all victims. Some are, undoubtedly. But I never see anyone on mumsnet refer to sex workers as anything other than victims. It’s just not true 100% of the time.

QuentinWinters · 05/07/2020 21:38

However, he must feel very suffocated having you check his bank statements. He's a man, he needs his space. Isn't he allowed to do something on his own? I know Chaturbate is filthy but you need to remember he's a bloke, not just a husband and a dad.
Wtaf? This is one of the strangest replies I've ever read on here.

QuentinWinters · 05/07/2020 21:38

op good luck, hope it works out for you

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:39

@wildone84 you’re talking to me like I don’t know any of this stuff. I know the content gets shared onto other websites and can’t be erased. My friend knows that too. She still consented to it and gave up a good job to do it.
You seem to have problems believing that women would choose to do this type of work. That’s insulting to them.
Also, there are many men who do webcamming too. Bodybuilder/personal trainer types. Are they also being coerced?

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 21:39

[quote Busybee2912]@wildone84 I know that too, as I said my friend does it. The others that I know of, also earn a fortune because they do it full time and yes, have spent time building a profile and have advertised themselves effectively. But it’s still their choice to do that. Sex abuse victims don’t consent. That’s my issue with labelling them all victims. Some are, undoubtedly. But I never see anyone on mumsnet refer to sex workers as anything other than victims. It’s just not true 100% of the time.[/quote]
It isn't true 100% of the time.

But just be aware that what a person presents to the world, is not always what is going on.

Self-employed people usually use their social media to promote their brand and drum up business. They don't use it to discuss their traumas, their financial situation, or their happiness (or lack thereof) at work.

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 21:42

[quote Busybee2912]@wildone84 you’re talking to me like I don’t know any of this stuff. I know the content gets shared onto other websites and can’t be erased. My friend knows that too. She still consented to it and gave up a good job to do it.
You seem to have problems believing that women would choose to do this type of work. That’s insulting to them.
Also, there are many men who do webcamming too. Bodybuilder/personal trainer types. Are they also being coerced?[/quote]
I do a type of trauma therapy. When you are the product you're selling, there may be unexpected psychological consequences.

jackdaw141 · 05/07/2020 21:43

They work for themselves and earn a fortune.

Some do, but some do not. There are hundreds if not thousands of young women in Romania and Ukraine who commute to porn studios to perform so that they can make money for their families and their pimps, based purely on their looks. The pimp takes most of it, leaving just enough so they come back for the next shift. And it is this that regime that denies those women to become a teacher, a pilot or a doctor who can learn how to defeat disease. Maybe even find the cure for a particular type of cancer. And it is people like you who do not get this. It is people like you who permit and condone this activity.

Let us hope OP can convince her partner, if he is unable to see the light on his own.

There may be a willing woman in the suburbs of Reading who is able to take control of her on-screen life, with a legal and social system generally behind her, but the internet has no safe jurisdiction for many, many other women, who are caught up in your warped perception of what is right.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:49

@wildone84 yes business people who wish to recruit others use their social media as platforms to sell/recruit. The women I’m talking about are working for themselves, promoting themselves and recruiting no one. My friend doesn’t use social media as she doesn’t want to be public but there are loads that do. And if you told them they were being coerced or are a product of their own trauma, they’d be offended.
These are grown women who had normal jobs, families, friendship groups and decided they wanted to a lavish lifestyle or To set themselves up financially for life. My friend plans to quit when she has a couple of property investments. Does that still sound like she’s a victim to you? I can assure you, she isn’t.
I’m not saying this accounts for all sex workers. I’m well aware of the dark side in the sex industry. It’s just not the whole picture.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 21:57

@jackdaw141 do not “people like you” at me. I am a sex abuse victim, I am far from ignorant about abuse and the damage it causes.
How dare you assume me to be ignorant! You are the one who’s ignorant. Times have moved on. It isn’t ALL about coercion anymore. People actively choose to do this for a living, as is their choice. They do not wish to be portrayed as victims and nor should they be, given that there are actual victims who do not consent to abuse. It only belittles actual abuse and belittles those who ARE coerced or have no other choice.

I’ve repeatedly said on every post, that I’m not saying there isn’t a dark side that exists. I’m fully aware of it. So I won’t dignify the rest of your post with a response.

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 21:59

[quote Busybee2912]@wildone84 yes business people who wish to recruit others use their social media as platforms to sell/recruit. The women I’m talking about are working for themselves, promoting themselves and recruiting no one. My friend doesn’t use social media as she doesn’t want to be public but there are loads that do. And if you told them they were being coerced or are a product of their own trauma, they’d be offended.
These are grown women who had normal jobs, families, friendship groups and decided they wanted to a lavish lifestyle or To set themselves up financially for life. My friend plans to quit when she has a couple of property investments. Does that still sound like she’s a victim to you? I can assure you, she isn’t.
I’m not saying this accounts for all sex workers. I’m well aware of the dark side in the sex industry. It’s just not the whole picture.[/quote]
Fair enough. Sorry busy bee but you aren't going to change my mind based on your sample size of 1 or several people. I've heard experiences that would make your toes curl.

Sometimes it can be more comfortable to bury one's head in the sand rather than face up to how shit the world can be that we live within a system where the best employment opportunities for certain types of women is sex work.

tarasmalatarocks · 05/07/2020 22:02

Indeed many are 100% in it for the cash and not co erced- personally if they are happy with borderline on line prostitution then that’s up to them, however the fact they may be 100% happy in their ‘work’ certainly doesn’t make many women on here feel any better about their partners getting off on this stuff behind their backs.

LexMitior · 05/07/2020 22:05

May I ask why you care so much? If your friend is happy in her work, why are you busy arguing with strangers about it?

The OP wanted to know if it was reasonable to be upset with her partner looking at cam girls. It is reasonable. You seem to be arguing on behalf of someone who is apparently pretty happy in providing this service, but really, it’s about the OP’s concerns.

Busybee2912 · 05/07/2020 22:06

@wildone84 the opposite is the case actually. I used to be of the same opinion as you. Until I met people who chose to work in the industry, and saw over time how popular it became as a career choice thanks to the growth of social media and certain websites (I won’t name as I don’t wish to promote), meaning these people could earn a lot of money with expanded advertising opportunities.

It wouldn’t be my choice of work, but I respect the rights of people to make their own life choices. I recognise that even If they didn’t choose to work in the sex industry, trafficking, abuse etc would still be happening. Because that’s the world we live in.