DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

[where2begin]

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

The above poster makes a good point. My Ex was ‘remorseful’ - he truly was ashamed - but actions speak louder than words. He locked down his accounts, password protected everything, and a few months along the line started to hint that any suspicion of mine was ‘controlling’.

So much for the remorse!

To be truly remorseful, he has to quit the lying, stop the subterfuge, regain your respect, make some amends to the women in the porn industry. I’m serious! Even a donation to a charity for women surviving the industry.

It is a relief I think for you to see his shame, see him say all the right things, and also hear some posters say its’ all ‘fine’ and that women are in no way ever damaged from their experience, never coerced, never feel rubbish...

[DivineTruth]

@NoMoreDickheads

Ewwwww. One of my many dodgy exes used to watch that, we lived in separate cities and he used to try and encourage me to watch it too.

He turned out to be obsessed with porn, women as sexual objects etc. Not good.

That is usually how women are seen by men, all women by all men.

The going out and actually searching for other relationships is unacceptable but i really wouldn't make a fuss over a bit of porn and a couple of chat sites.

I wouldn't have nerve to complain to my DH as he'd have plenty of ammo to sling back, what with 50 shades and all!

[QuentinWinters]

I wouldn't have nerve to complain to my DH as he'd have plenty of ammo to sling back, what with 50 shades and all!

Hahaha
Seriously. 50 shades is fiction and an acted film. You are watching something that's not real.

Cam sites are real people, doing real sed acts at the instruction of the person paying for them.

In what sense are they comparable??!!

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread and theres been a lot. Its fine for your partner to pay for reallife cyber sex because you read erotica. Might as well say it's fine for him to be a serial killer because you watch nightmare on elm street

[DivineTruth]

@QuentinWinters

I wouldn't have nerve to complain to my DH as he'd have plenty of ammo to sling back, what with 50 shades and all!

Hahaha
Seriously. 50 shades is fiction and an acted film. You are watching something that's not real.

Cam sites are real people, doing real sed acts at the instruction of the person paying for them.

In what sense are they comparable??!!

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread and theres been a lot. Its fine for your partner to pay for reallife cyber sex because you read erotica. Might as well say it's fine for him to be a serial killer because you watch nightmare on elm street

Its comparable in that its both ways in which males and females enjoy pornography. We get off more on the spoken or written words and story whereas men are much more visual in nature and require something visible to be satisfied. The fact its a real person is irrelevant. Its still fantasy land he's in and isn't an issue unless it becomes real.

[GilbertMarkham]

We get off more on the spoken or written words and story whereas men are much more visual in nature and require something visible to be satisfied.

That is one if the biggest clichés and falsehoods in existence, and it's been proven so in some studies .. women actually react to a wider variety of sexual imagery than men.

It's just not been as socially acceptable etc. and we've been raised in a society where men ran the show until relatively recently so media, movies etc. was by and for them.

[GilbertMarkham]

Its comparable in that its both ways in which males and females enjoy pornography.

But it's not remotely comparable in terms of the impact on real people .. real women, let's face it.

[QuentinWinters]

Its still fantasy land he's in and isn't an issue unless it becomes real.
How is a man instructing a woman to perform sex acts for him not real? Is it because there is a screen in the way? Would sexting a female friend be ok? Or is it that the cam girls aren't seen as women when they are working?

Is paying for sex with a prostitute ok if there is no physical contact? So say she performs certain acts and the punter watches but doesn't touch?

I'm really confused as to why you think its fantasy. It's not. It's a real woman, doing real sex acts for paying men.

[QuentinWinters]

At what point does sex "become real"?

[Cramitmaam]

At what point does sex "become real"?

Good question. I would say two way communication - either chatting via text/email etc, phone conversations, video meet ups, or in person meet ups.

[Cheesestring84]

@Cramitmaam

At what point does sex "become real"?

Good question. I would say two way communication - either chatting via text/email etc, phone conversations, video meet ups, or in person meet ups.

Agreed

[Socialdistancegintonic]

At what point does sex "become real"? Completely the wrong question.

At what point does sex ‘become exploitative”? At what point does sex become unhealthy? At what point does sex become about power? At what point does sex become emotionally abusive in some form?

Already the OP has suffered emotionally herself. She was told that her relationship was monogamous, and their sex life was between her and her DP. It isn’t, and he lied. Not only that, but there was a power imbalance when you use a live woman to masterbate over - as soon as money is involved - it’s unhealthy at best and abusive on the whole.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

Personally I don’t care if sex is real or not. Fantasize away!

I do care if sex is exploitative, about power, unhealthy, seedy and fucked up! There is a clear line between good healthy sex and the other - porn definitely crosses it (power, abusive, exploitative, coercive, dark) - cams definitely definitely crosses it!

[Socialdistancegintonic]

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread and theres been a lot. Its fine for your partner to pay for reallife cyber sex because you read erotica. Might as well say it's fine for him to be a serial killer because you watch nightmare on elm street Very true!

[SoulofanAggron]

He turned out to be obsessed with porn, women as sexual objects etc. Not good.

That is usually how women are seen by men, all women by all men.

@DivineTruth Not all men sexually objectify women to the same extent.

[QuentinWinters]

social I was referring to pp saying that cammingvwas fantasy and not a problem until it "becomes real".
Interaction with another person is the boundary between "real" and "fantasy" for me. I hate porn but someone watching that is not infidelity to me. My partner getting someone else to fulfil their fantasies (whether paid or not, on screen or in person) is real infidelity, not fantasy.

Admittedly everyone has different boundaries but I would think it's an unusual person who's ok with their partner talking dirty to sex workers and possibly paying for live shows, because they read 50 shades and its totes the same

[Socialdistancegintonic]

Fair enough @QuentinWinters I see what you are saying.

[Uptonogoodtoo]

I think if the man is happy to participate online with cam girls, would he be ok for his partner to be a cam girl and perform for men like him. If not. What’s the difference?

[backseatcookers]

I think if the man is happy to participate online with cam girls, would he be ok for his partner to be a cam girl and perform for men like him. If not. What’s the difference?

This.