DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

[where2begin]

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

@bigvig

Good post and you are absolutely right. People are in their own little bubbles and assume that their experience is universal.

I remember when I was young a group of bitter older women trying to convince me that my then boyfriend hadn't met up with me at the time he said he would because he was out "shagging some slapper". They assured that me that ALL men cheat, and ALL men use strip clubs and prostitutes. They knew this for a fact because it had happened to all of them. I started to believe them.

Turned out that my poor boyfriend had been in a minor car accident that night. I look back now, older and wiser, and laugh at the thought of that guy cheating on me - he wouldn't have said boo to a goose and was absolutely besotted with me. I had to ask him out because he was so hopeless with the ladies. Sweaty palms when we held hands and all of that.

@wildone84

If you want to forgive him, I wouldn't marry this guy or get a house with him and I'd tell him why. I'd wait for a few years, and keep tabs on him and his online "activities".

Personally porn users are not for me. I want a guy who wants me every day, not women online.

I guess it's a valid strategy - but do we really have time to wait a few years monitoring someone's internet use? Those are your years, you won't get them back.

There are men like bigvig's who are adults and aren't turned on by coerced, drug-addled, unaroused women performing on camera. (Sifting them out of the crap is, admittedly, a difficult skill to master)

He's insisting he only went on once out of curiosity

I’m curious about whether my colleague is good in bed. If I only shag him once, should my partner overlook it?

Why do so many men seem to think that curiosity is an acceptable excuse for betrayal of trust?

Why do so many men seem to think that curiosity is an acceptable excuse for betrayal of trust?
Yep.

I just don't know why he's done this or when

Well you DO know why he’s done it . He’s done it because he likes to use his money to watch women performing sexually for him.

He Doesn’t care if these women are abused or trafficked or coerced. He thinks women can be bought and sold.

This isn’t about something he’s supposed done once. It’s about who is he, his character, his morals, what he think is right and wrong.

What he thinks about you and what he will think about his daughters.

Is this the kind of man you want @where2begin? Only you can answer that.

Why do so many men seem to think that curiosity is an acceptable excuse for betrayal of trust?

Yes that exactly but also what a coincidence they only get curious when caught! Universal excuse.

@bigvig

Just to speak up for the non porn watching men out there. My DP is far from perfect but he doesn't watch porn. He says he can't get any satisfaction from watching women doing stuff because they have been paid to/ sometimes forced to. It's like drugs - those who do it tell themselves that everyone does. OP it sounds like you can forgive your partner - but it will take time and confidence that he won't do this again. I would recommend asking him to leave for a couple of weeks to give you space to think. Don't buy the house until you are 100% sure you can forgive - and trust him.

Mine doesn't either, same reason.

OP if you know the time and date he was on it and the username of the performer and his username you might be able to see what, if anything, he was writing - or if he was lurking. I don't know if it's still the case but there are some bastard automated sites out there that somehow record and upload every fekkin live performance that goes out on that site. Found that out to my detriment!

There were*

This was about four years ago

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer their support and advice to me with this. I wanted to post an update for anyone who is interested.

DP and I have spoken at length about this. How it has affected me. Why it has affected me and hurt me so much. I have checked his bank and credit card accounts thoroughly and there are no suspicious payments of any kind so he has not paid for any interactions. I've explained my feelings about the type of site I discovered and he accepts why I'm so upset and agrees that it's not acceptable. I asked him if he ever considered the fact that these girls might be coerced into what they were doing or not even legal age. He is disgusted with himself and I actually thought he would be sick - he stupidly seems to have not even thought about this aspect of it. The screen grab video that I saw, the chat was really strange. The viewers were actually discussing something called warhammer?? And I'm not convinced he actually contributed to any chatting of any kind. Not that that excuses him being on the site in the first place. And his opportunities to be on these sites and ridiculously few and far between so I don't believe or think he has a porn addiction or anything as extreme as that.
I told him I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and if he has to turn to that then we are not meant for each other. I've never seen him so upset.

The variety of points of view and advice on here has been eye opening and I've done a lot of soul searching and reflecting on what I want.
Apart from this particular incident my DP is caring, attentive and loving. All other aspects of our relationship are fulfilling and happy. I have always felt we are equals in our relationship and he does probably more of his fair share of the monotonous day to day living/running a home stuff that we all have to deal with. We have fun together, we laugh, we plan and want the same things from life.
He's fantastic with my DC and invests more time and effort in them than their own "dad". He has been exactly what he should be in that respect throughout our relationship - there's never been any question of the children coming first and he has gladly and willingly taken on a strong and positive parenting role for both of them.
I'm so upset and disappointed that he's done this but I going to give him another chance.
It's going to take a lot for the trust to come back but I do believe he is utterly devoted to me and to us as a family.
I imagine there will be a lot of people who think I am being naive but ultimately I do not want to throw away what is a perfectly happy and good relationship. He knows if this ever happens again we are over and at the moment I'm convinced that he is genuinely sorry for what he's done and that he regrets it immensely.
So again, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my posts and reply with support and advice. Its really helped me in the last few days to sort out my thoughts and put things in perspective. I'm very grateful.
I'm still feeling very low and my confidence and self esteem has taken a massive hit here - when I told DP this he completely broke down and apologised profusely for doing this to me and making me feel like this.
I don't intend to make him walk on eggshells and I'm not expecting him to "make this up" to me. I'm not going to be checking his phone/bank account constantly. I don't want to be that person.

I realise I've kind of rabbled on a bit in an attempt to cover everything but no matter what your opinion has been so far, I guess I'm just trying to get across that my decision has been well considered.

Good luck OP. Only you can know what is the best way forward. I hope he realises what he has done and never does it again.

Great stuff OP. I hope he continues to learn from you.

Good luck OP

I haven't RTFT however, I went on Chaturbate after reading your OP.

It's a free webcam website to watch people do things to themselves or couples etc. I don't see it as cheating however, I can understand your shock. If it was me, I wouldn't kick off about it unless he was neglecting me in the bedroom. Some men like looking at that sort of thing. If it's making you unhappy then definitely leave, he won't change.

I have to agree with @mel263 - would I be happy about this? No. Is it cheating? Also no. Not in my opinion anyway. Don't get me wrong, it's seedy and cringe but it's basically an extension of porn and a tool in masturbation. It's random women who I doubt he's having any other engagement with than to watch and then switch off. Again I'm not making excuses for that but I could get past it more than I could cheating.

Just my opinion.

Is everything else ok in your relationship op?

Sorry OP, just read your Update.

Glad he apologised for upsetting to you . However, he must feel very suffocated having you check his bank statements. He's a man, he needs his space. Isn't he allowed to do something on his own? I know Chaturbate is filthy but you need to remember he's a bloke, not just a husband and a dad.
I hope you two can fix this and can come to some compromise. Most normal men like looking at that sort of thing and I think he's done nothing wrong IMO, as you say, he's been perfect in all other aspects of the relationship. Just be care long term as he might feel controlled now and telling you what you want to hear. I have no doubt he loves you.
Good luck.

It's random women who I doubt he's having any other engagement with than to watch and then switch off.

^ This is actually the bit I do not agree with. Not all, but a significant proportion of these you women come from countries where a schoolteacher might earn €8,000 a year and a doctor might earn $12,000 a year. But because of their looks they are coerced by their peers and families into this type of work because in the short term it pays better. Promoting these sites, even indirectly by electronic footprint, is perpetuating this industry and taking choice away from young women.

@Patbutcherismyhero
Yes everything else in the relationship is fine. .. I tried to get that across in my update.

@mel263 I didn't ask to see his bank accounts. He opened it up for me to show that he hadn't been paying for anything on these sites.

@KeepHimJolene

Just asked DP. It apparently comes up as an ad when he's on pornhub FFS! Asked when he goes on pornhub, he says "whenever I can". That's the truth ladies, they are all at it! Get over it

Yep. And when he needs more and more explicit/extreme porn to get his kicks I assume you’ll be happy with that too? Porn has killed my marriage, and it will yours when he wants to enact what he watches on you. Be warned.

Glad your DH acted in a way that put your mind at rest a little OP. Please keep us updated if you feel the need. xxx

Thank you @SoulofanAggron

@mel263 that’s not actually your call to make. If OP doesn’t want her DP watching other women in a sexual way for satisfaction, that’s up to her.

However, he must feel very suffocated having you check his bank statements. He's a man, he needs his space.

Bloody hell! Is it the 1950s? We women just find out our partner has lied to us, about watching another woman coerced into selling sex, for his own sexual gratification, and the OP has to then shut up and put up and not dare to see how far this went? Unbelievable.

I'm still feeling very low and my confidence and self esteem has taken a massive hit here - when I told DP this he completely broke down and apologised profusely for doing this to me and making me feel like this. I know this is harsh but he is only embarrassed as he has been caught out. He didn’t fess up to this of his own volition. And does he feel bad at all for the porn / women coerced with limited choice into doing this in the first place? This is a very deep issue. It is not normal. It’s like saying slavery is normal. Human beings put there for our own gratification in one way or another.

I don't intend to make him walk on eggshells and I'm not expecting him to "make this up" to me. I'm not going to be checking his phone/bank account constantly. I don't want to be that person. Why are you not expecting him to make this up to you? So he feels bad for a bit and that’s ok? Why should he not make amends?

Why does everyone on mumsnet think that women are all still coerced into sex work? It’s not the case anymore. I know women who do it. A good friend of mine does. They do it for the money, it pays well. My friend used it to pay off her mortgage and gave up a good job to do it full time. No one made her. Same for a lot of others, you see them on social media advertising themselves and showing off their lavish lifestyles of luxury holidays, clothes, cars etc.

I’m not saying people aren’t coerced. But I don’t feel sorry for those who choose to do it themselves because they want the money. There are plenty of them.