DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

[where2begin]

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

[jackdaw141]

No but you are condoning what your 'friend in Reading' is doing, ignoring the fact that other women are collateral damage in this whole process.

I am not portraying your friend as a victim.

The World is a sphere. We are all connected. It is not a multi-faceted solid, with your friend doing their thing in their own safe vacuum in Shangri-La. If your friend is on a sex site promoting her work then she is unwittingly part of a problem elsewhere.

Can you not see that?

[SoulofanAggron]

Sex abuse victims don’t consent.

I don't think consent is always cut and dried. I had a friend who did prostitution- she had been a victim of CSA and also was involved with a bad crowd of people, drug use etc.

She also for some reason thought the sex industry was 'glamorous.' (!)

She also did some camming- this stuff was a laugh for her in a way it wouldn't be for most women without her background.

Basically she'd been sexualized from an early age (more so than the average woman.)

Also @tarasmalatarocks is right, we're kind of off topic- there're the ethical issues of prostitution and then there's what some women feel when they discover their OH is using it.

[Busybee2912]

@jackdaw141 I never said I condoned it, I said she wasn’t a victim, nor are a lot of others. I don’t judge her, it’s not my choice to make.

I also don’t think she’s responsible for what happens to women in other parts of the world. The platform she uses, came around long after the industry used women as sex slaves.

I don’t think the answer is to ban the sex industry completely, simply because it will never happen. There has to be a more realistic way to stop what’s happening to women who are abused in the industry.

[wildone84]

[quote Busybee2912]@wildone84 the opposite is the case actually. I used to be of the same opinion as you. Until I met people who chose to work in the industry, and saw over time how popular it became as a career choice thanks to the growth of social media and certain websites (I won’t name as I don’t wish to promote), meaning these people could earn a lot of money with expanded advertising opportunities.

It wouldn’t be my choice of work, but I respect the rights of people to make their own life choices. I recognise that even If they didn’t choose to work in the sex industry, trafficking, abuse etc would still be happening. Because that’s the world we live in.[/quote]
I respect peoples' right to their own life choices. But I also think there are unexpected consequences and dangers for peoples' mental health, and these are brushed under the carpet, and the industry is glamorised by those who wish to profit from it.

[wildone84]

I am bowing out of the discussion as I don't want to derail OP's thread with a discussion on the ethics of prostitution and sex work.

[jackdaw141]

I think she is definitely responsible for what happens to women in other parts of the world if she is using a 'www' portal to promote her trade and industry. You will never change my mind on that.

My point is, I hope OP's husband understands that too.

[Busybee2912]

@SoulofanAggron but those aren’t the type of people I’m talking about. I’ve given examples of people who don’t have abuse backgrounds, who chose to do it because they want to and it’s usually financial reasons.

I said further back it’s not something I could forgive. Not just for ethical reasons, but because it would destroy my trust in my partner who knows it would be unacceptable to me. But OP made her choice to try to move on, as is her choice. So the thread did move on from that.

[jackdaw141]

There is no derailing. The nexus is very clear and I think OP gets that.

I am bowing out too. It's bed time.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

It does make sense OP. I guess, I was just trying to support you. Maybe in response to posters telling you that it was normal, it sounded like you felt that you had to just accept his upset and apology and move on. I don’t want to dampen it, just after having experience of similar, I worry that you AND your partner do not get how ‘off’ this is. I don’t think men who do this see how messed up it is - and we as women could just be helping to minimize it. If you want to stay with him and grow, I’d be making a huge deal out of this. As otherwise I fear that your DP will not learn himself. He has shown no remorse about how it might have been for the woman on the camcorder for example. What he’s done to you, how you feel sexually with him, your exclusivity, your boundaries as a couple - and his moral boundaries about why he thinks its okay to use other live women to masterbate to - this all needs to come out into the open and be dealt with. He needs to do a lot of work!

[where2begin]

@Socialdistancegintonic he absolutely has been remorseful about it.
Like I said previously, I confronted him with the potential of the people behind the cameras being potentially vulnerable, exploited or even underage and he was seriously disgusted with himself. I think he stupidly had never considered the possibility of this. I honestly thought he was going to throw up.
He's been in bits as have I.

He knows this is in no way ok and I haven't forgiven or forgotten. We are staying together, both of us in the knowledge that we are going to have a very tough time ahead.
I've made my position very very clear. He also knows that this is hard for me because I found out totally by accident. I've said to him repeatedly when he has apologised that I have no idea whether he was sorry he did it or he got caught. He knows he has no way to prove which it is either way to me and in deciding to stay together, I have to accept at the moment that I can only trust my instinct on this as there's no way to know for 100% certain. My gut tells me that he is genuinely sorry for this and the hurt he has caused me.

If I thought that this was a habit or something that's been happening repeatedly, I wouldn't still be here or even willing to give things a chance.
He had willingly opened his bank accounts to show that no payments have been made.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

Good luck OP. It’s not a nice position for you to be in. I hope he does honestly turn things around, and you don’t have to worry about him in the future. Maybe he can do something tangible so that you can really see that he is changing? I don’t know, counselling, or reading up about the dark side of porn/cam sites? If he does this now, it will put you in a better position when later, when you hit a rough patch, and anything resurfaces?

[tarasmalatarocks]

I personally think ‘any’ adult sites should be paid for on a pay per use method, that way it might be more obvious if someone has a habit that a partner isn’t ok with and might actually make some think twice about using it as much and develop an imagination a bit more. I realise that this won’t be a popular view but feel the ‘free’ aspect is giving many guys a serious habit (maybe some women too, but not as common)

[sadannie]

I just remembered DH's ex used this site to make money. She is a working professional making a lot of money but as a student wanted to earn a few extra pennies. She just pretended to kiss / hang out with her friend (also a girl) and men paid for that.

Don't believe it's automatically unethical, exploited girls etc. The ethics are always odd on here as so many will happily buy clothes from shops that exploit women and children but are instantly against these sites which do often have women monetising a gap in the market.

[SoulofanAggron]

@Busybee2912 I know you weren't referring to anything but the (probably few) people who do this happily without a background of abuse or other issues. Of course, even if they appear to be doing it 100% willingly, you might not know what their childhood background is or other issues. People often don't talk about such stuff.

I was saying that I don't think what you're describing is the norm.

@where2begin Glad all seems to be ok so far. Please keep us updated. xxx

[GilbertMarkham]

*I confronted him with the potential of the people behind the cameras being potentially vulnerable, exploited or even underage and he was seriously disgusted with himself. I think he stupidly had never considered the possibility of this. I honestly thought he was going to throw up.
He's been in bits ...

I think someone's overegging the pudding a bit in their bid to not get dumped, cancel their house purchase etc.

[where2begin]

@GilbertMarkham
personally I've never seen someone be able to "fake" the colour literally draining from their face to grey... but hey, what do I know? I was only there for the actual conversation....

[TirisfalPumpkin]

My ex did that too (the utter shock and horror face upon being caught). I think his emotions were actually 100% real, so it wasn’t ‘faked’ as such, but it was about potentially losing his home and marriage and reputation, not about what he was doing. He didn’t give a shit about the online women. I don’t think they were real people to him.

I don’t know your situation as you do - just saying it could be this. I hope it isn’t.

[QuentinWinters]

My ex did that too (the utter shock and horror face upon being caught). I think his emotions were actually 100% real, so it wasn’t ‘faked’ as such, but it was about potentially losing his home and marriage and reputation, not about what he was doing. Yeah mine too. And laid it on thick about how he'd been researching it and realised how exploitative it was, couldn't believe he'd been so stupid yadda yadda.
All while he was still watching it.

Now I think I was a fool for buying his stupid lies, but I loved him and didnt want to lose my marriage

[SoulofanAggron]

My ex 'cried' about how much he had hurt me, had fake tears in his eyes. I've seen him feign being on the verge of tears to other people too. He can fake a lot of emotions.

Plus PP's are right that it could've been thoughts of losing the OP/going down in her estimation that caused his change in appearance.

But I hope all goes ok.

[GilbertMarkham]

personally I've never seen someone be able to "fake" the colour literally draining from their face to grey... but hey, what do I know? I was only there for the actual conversation....

My point was that could be him realising he's in actyal danger of getting dumped, your house purchase being pulled out if and him having to explain why it's happened to his family and friends ("I got caught on sleazy, cam sex sites") rather than s sudden realisation that - Gosh, shock, horror .. women working in the sex industry may not all be happy slappers choosing to do independent of any lacknof opportunities, deprivation, coercion, exploitation, potential trafficking all manner of issues.

These things are in the news, they are in documentaries, they are somewhat intuitive (not many people sell sex with full freedom and opportunities to do other things ... But he's never heard, seen or imagined a whiff of this before ... Seriously?
Had he been raised in an idyllic, free love, sheltered, commune with no media?

He's shat himself because he realised you were taking his behaviour very seriously .. not just him being caught out being a but naughty, but you were getting into the real shit re. this industry that he's dipping into and supporting (yes, via their advertisers even if he didn't personally pay for the cam sex woman to perform sex acts and just watched) , he realised you were potentially disgusted/really bothered on a much higher level and that it wouldn't t be easily talked out of.

He was on the hook bigtime - perhaps his colour change was more likely to be related to that than sudden overwhelming self disgust and intense empathy for potentially exploited/disadvantaged or even trafficked cam sex workers shoving dildos into their orifices for he and other men to get off on.

[GilbertMarkham]

And I see three posters in a row have warned you about the authenticity of this apparent "epiphany" with near vomiting from self disgust.

But what do I know.

[tarasmalatarocks]

He will be horrified OP, so I don’t think his reaction was fake at all, but I think in all honesty he is horrified because he knows now that it’s very possible you will no longer see him in quite the same light , his marriage may be at risk and he is also unlikely to be able to just carry on the same as before. He isn’t necessarily paying etc , but I doubt very much this is a one off- what are the chances of that do you reckon. My H actually told me it was when I knew 100% full well it wasn’t , I just didn’t tell him that. I totally understand why you are overlooking and letting it go in this instance by the way- but be aware if he does actually have a habit, it’s hard to let go of and he is just more likely to be more careful. I would keep an open mind but keep your wits about you if it’s sonething you find unacceptable.

[GilbertMarkham]

Op this is a typical example of when people get a bit abrasive and antagonistic, and it ends up being counterproductive to (what should be) the purpose of the forum. . to help.

What I'm trying to say (undiplomatically) is that - there is a chance his reaction/behaviour is due to urgent/intense fear of losing his relationship etc. .. not due to horror/ahborrence at the reality of much of the sex industry. Like many people he may well have an idea, but chooses not to think about it, and chooses to believe what he watches/hers involved in is not like that (even though he has no way of knowing) and ultimately, doesn't really care, in the pursuit of orgasm.

So, if you pin the continuation of your relationship on him having some epiphany, finding this stuff abhorrent and never ever going near it again (and how do you neatly out cam sex and hard it's porn re ethical issues for that matter) ... You could well be back on here, with kids, in s few years time ,tearing your hair out and stessing about sticking to your principle - because he's slipped up in hiding it (after a period of not going near it did to the initial fear caused by this incident) and you've caught him in something similar.

Just worth considering in your decisions that's all I'm trying to say.

[Cheesestring84]

@GilbertMarkham

And I see three posters in a row have warned you about the authenticity of this apparent "epiphany" with near vomiting from self disgust.

But what do I know.

Make it four. Wouldn't buy it again for a second but also wouldn't have believed anyone telling me it wasn't anything but my husband showing he was a good man and wanting us to work at the time. Just sorry OP is in the situation. OP I know you don't want to hear it but please just be careful you don't put up with less than you deserve. It is a position lots of us have been in. I get it is hard to see when you love someone but just be careful.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I know you want to believe that his shock was at what he’s done. It’s more likely to be shock at being caught.

This has dredged up some unpleasant memories. I caught my Dh on this site. I accidentally opened his bank statement and there were loads of payments to the website. I googled it. After I tore him a new one, and yes he seemed very upset and shocked and remorseful, I realised after a while that he wasn’t getting any more bank statements. He’d changed them to online only. He’s never been keen at my knowing how much money he has; fair enough, none of my business but I’ve always assumed that this means that he’s looking at the website again.

We’ve been together 25 years. We have two children and property together. I honestly don’t have the energy to rock the boat, every other aspect of our lives is boringly normal. Sometimes I wonder if I even care anymore.