DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

[where2begin]

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

[backseatcookers]

I think if the man is happy to participate online with cam girls, would he be ok for his partner to be a cam girl and perform for men like him. If not. What’s the difference?

This.

[Uptonogoodtoo]

I think if the man is happy to participate online with cam girls, would he be ok for his partner to be a cam girl and perform for men like him. If not. What’s the difference?

[Socialdistancegintonic]

Fair enough @QuentinWinters I see what you are saying.

[QuentinWinters]

social I was referring to pp saying that cammingvwas fantasy and not a problem until it "becomes real".
Interaction with another person is the boundary between "real" and "fantasy" for me. I hate porn but someone watching that is not infidelity to me. My partner getting someone else to fulfil their fantasies (whether paid or not, on screen or in person) is real infidelity, not fantasy.

Admittedly everyone has different boundaries but I would think it's an unusual person who's ok with their partner talking dirty to sex workers and possibly paying for live shows, because they read 50 shades and its totes the same

[SoulofanAggron]

He turned out to be obsessed with porn, women as sexual objects etc. Not good.

That is usually how women are seen by men, all women by all men.

@DivineTruth Not all men sexually objectify women to the same extent.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread and theres been a lot. Its fine for your partner to pay for reallife cyber sex because you read erotica. Might as well say it's fine for him to be a serial killer because you watch nightmare on elm street Very true!

[Socialdistancegintonic]

Personally I don’t care if sex is real or not. Fantasize away!

I do care if sex is exploitative, about power, unhealthy, seedy and fucked up! There is a clear line between good healthy sex and the other - porn definitely crosses it (power, abusive, exploitative, coercive, dark) - cams definitely definitely crosses it!

[Socialdistancegintonic]

At what point does sex "become real"? Completely the wrong question.

At what point does sex ‘become exploitative”? At what point does sex become unhealthy? At what point does sex become about power? At what point does sex become emotionally abusive in some form?

Already the OP has suffered emotionally herself. She was told that her relationship was monogamous, and their sex life was between her and her DP. It isn’t, and he lied. Not only that, but there was a power imbalance when you use a live woman to masterbate over - as soon as money is involved - it’s unhealthy at best and abusive on the whole.

[Cheesestring84]

@Cramitmaam

At what point does sex "become real"?

Good question. I would say two way communication - either chatting via text/email etc, phone conversations, video meet ups, or in person meet ups.

Agreed

[Cramitmaam]

At what point does sex "become real"?

Good question. I would say two way communication - either chatting via text/email etc, phone conversations, video meet ups, or in person meet ups.

[QuentinWinters]

At what point does sex "become real"?

[QuentinWinters]

Its still fantasy land he's in and isn't an issue unless it becomes real.
How is a man instructing a woman to perform sex acts for him not real? Is it because there is a screen in the way? Would sexting a female friend be ok? Or is it that the cam girls aren't seen as women when they are working?

Is paying for sex with a prostitute ok if there is no physical contact? So say she performs certain acts and the punter watches but doesn't touch?

I'm really confused as to why you think its fantasy. It's not. It's a real woman, doing real sex acts for paying men.

[GilbertMarkham]

Its comparable in that its both ways in which males and females enjoy pornography.

But it's not remotely comparable in terms of the impact on real people .. real women, let's face it.

[GilbertMarkham]

We get off more on the spoken or written words and story whereas men are much more visual in nature and require something visible to be satisfied.

That is one if the biggest clichés and falsehoods in existence, and it's been proven so in some studies .. women actually react to a wider variety of sexual imagery than men.

It's just not been as socially acceptable etc. and we've been raised in a society where men ran the show until relatively recently so media, movies etc. was by and for them.

[DivineTruth]

@QuentinWinters

I wouldn't have nerve to complain to my DH as he'd have plenty of ammo to sling back, what with 50 shades and all!

Hahaha
Seriously. 50 shades is fiction and an acted film. You are watching something that's not real.

Cam sites are real people, doing real sed acts at the instruction of the person paying for them.

In what sense are they comparable??!!

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread and theres been a lot. Its fine for your partner to pay for reallife cyber sex because you read erotica. Might as well say it's fine for him to be a serial killer because you watch nightmare on elm street

Its comparable in that its both ways in which males and females enjoy pornography. We get off more on the spoken or written words and story whereas men are much more visual in nature and require something visible to be satisfied. The fact its a real person is irrelevant. Its still fantasy land he's in and isn't an issue unless it becomes real.

[QuentinWinters]

I wouldn't have nerve to complain to my DH as he'd have plenty of ammo to sling back, what with 50 shades and all!

Hahaha
Seriously. 50 shades is fiction and an acted film. You are watching something that's not real.

Cam sites are real people, doing real sed acts at the instruction of the person paying for them.

In what sense are they comparable??!!

That's the most ridiculous thing I've read on this thread and theres been a lot. Its fine for your partner to pay for reallife cyber sex because you read erotica. Might as well say it's fine for him to be a serial killer because you watch nightmare on elm street

[DivineTruth]

@NoMoreDickheads

Ewwwww. One of my many dodgy exes used to watch that, we lived in separate cities and he used to try and encourage me to watch it too.

He turned out to be obsessed with porn, women as sexual objects etc. Not good.

That is usually how women are seen by men, all women by all men.

The going out and actually searching for other relationships is unacceptable but i really wouldn't make a fuss over a bit of porn and a couple of chat sites.

I wouldn't have nerve to complain to my DH as he'd have plenty of ammo to sling back, what with 50 shades and all!

[Socialdistancegintonic]

The above poster makes a good point. My Ex was ‘remorseful’ - he truly was ashamed - but actions speak louder than words. He locked down his accounts, password protected everything, and a few months along the line started to hint that any suspicion of mine was ‘controlling’.

So much for the remorse!

To be truly remorseful, he has to quit the lying, stop the subterfuge, regain your respect, make some amends to the women in the porn industry. I’m serious! Even a donation to a charity for women surviving the industry.

It is a relief I think for you to see his shame, see him say all the right things, and also hear some posters say its’ all ‘fine’ and that women are in no way ever damaged from their experience, never coerced, never feel rubbish...

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I know you want to believe that his shock was at what he’s done. It’s more likely to be shock at being caught.

This has dredged up some unpleasant memories. I caught my Dh on this site. I accidentally opened his bank statement and there were loads of payments to the website. I googled it. After I tore him a new one, and yes he seemed very upset and shocked and remorseful, I realised after a while that he wasn’t getting any more bank statements. He’d changed them to online only. He’s never been keen at my knowing how much money he has; fair enough, none of my business but I’ve always assumed that this means that he’s looking at the website again.

We’ve been together 25 years. We have two children and property together. I honestly don’t have the energy to rock the boat, every other aspect of our lives is boringly normal. Sometimes I wonder if I even care anymore.

[Cheesestring84]

@GilbertMarkham

And I see three posters in a row have warned you about the authenticity of this apparent "epiphany" with near vomiting from self disgust.

But what do I know.

Make it four. Wouldn't buy it again for a second but also wouldn't have believed anyone telling me it wasn't anything but my husband showing he was a good man and wanting us to work at the time. Just sorry OP is in the situation. OP I know you don't want to hear it but please just be careful you don't put up with less than you deserve. It is a position lots of us have been in. I get it is hard to see when you love someone but just be careful.

[GilbertMarkham]

Op this is a typical example of when people get a bit abrasive and antagonistic, and it ends up being counterproductive to (what should be) the purpose of the forum. . to help.

What I'm trying to say (undiplomatically) is that - there is a chance his reaction/behaviour is due to urgent/intense fear of losing his relationship etc. .. not due to horror/ahborrence at the reality of much of the sex industry. Like many people he may well have an idea, but chooses not to think about it, and chooses to believe what he watches/hers involved in is not like that (even though he has no way of knowing) and ultimately, doesn't really care, in the pursuit of orgasm.

So, if you pin the continuation of your relationship on him having some epiphany, finding this stuff abhorrent and never ever going near it again (and how do you neatly out cam sex and hard it's porn re ethical issues for that matter) ... You could well be back on here, with kids, in s few years time ,tearing your hair out and stessing about sticking to your principle - because he's slipped up in hiding it (after a period of not going near it did to the initial fear caused by this incident) and you've caught him in something similar.

Just worth considering in your decisions that's all I'm trying to say.

[tarasmalatarocks]

He will be horrified OP, so I don’t think his reaction was fake at all, but I think in all honesty he is horrified because he knows now that it’s very possible you will no longer see him in quite the same light , his marriage may be at risk and he is also unlikely to be able to just carry on the same as before. He isn’t necessarily paying etc , but I doubt very much this is a one off- what are the chances of that do you reckon. My H actually told me it was when I knew 100% full well it wasn’t , I just didn’t tell him that. I totally understand why you are overlooking and letting it go in this instance by the way- but be aware if he does actually have a habit, it’s hard to let go of and he is just more likely to be more careful. I would keep an open mind but keep your wits about you if it’s sonething you find unacceptable.

[GilbertMarkham]

And I see three posters in a row have warned you about the authenticity of this apparent "epiphany" with near vomiting from self disgust.

But what do I know.

[GilbertMarkham]

personally I've never seen someone be able to "fake" the colour literally draining from their face to grey... but hey, what do I know? I was only there for the actual conversation....

My point was that could be him realising he's in actyal danger of getting dumped, your house purchase being pulled out if and him having to explain why it's happened to his family and friends ("I got caught on sleazy, cam sex sites") rather than s sudden realisation that - Gosh, shock, horror .. women working in the sex industry may not all be happy slappers choosing to do independent of any lacknof opportunities, deprivation, coercion, exploitation, potential trafficking all manner of issues.

These things are in the news, they are in documentaries, they are somewhat intuitive (not many people sell sex with full freedom and opportunities to do other things ... But he's never heard, seen or imagined a whiff of this before ... Seriously?
Had he been raised in an idyllic, free love, sheltered, commune with no media?

He's shat himself because he realised you were taking his behaviour very seriously .. not just him being caught out being a but naughty, but you were getting into the real shit re. this industry that he's dipping into and supporting (yes, via their advertisers even if he didn't personally pay for the cam sex woman to perform sex acts and just watched) , he realised you were potentially disgusted/really bothered on a much higher level and that it wouldn't t be easily talked out of.

He was on the hook bigtime - perhaps his colour change was more likely to be related to that than sudden overwhelming self disgust and intense empathy for potentially exploited/disadvantaged or even trafficked cam sex workers shoving dildos into their orifices for he and other men to get off on.

[SoulofanAggron]

My ex 'cried' about how much he had hurt me, had fake tears in his eyes. I've seen him feign being on the verge of tears to other people too. He can fake a lot of emotions.

Plus PP's are right that it could've been thoughts of losing the OP/going down in her estimation that caused his change in appearance.

But I hope all goes ok.