DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

[where2begin]

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

[Blahblahblahzz]

Most guys look at online porn. Most guys would also therefore look at cam sites like Chaturbate (they’re heavily pushed on porn sites). Lots find webcam sites like Chaturbate dull because, as pp have mentioned, it’s mostly girls sitting around waiting for guys to tip them to do things. Most guys like to lurk and wait for other guys to spend cash for the girl to perform so they don’t have to. How you feel about all this depends on how you feel about porn, really. This is what most guys see these sites as (I don’t agree with the idea that engagi BF With them will necessarily spiral into seeking real life encounters with other women). Hi Have you talked to him about it/ do you two have clearly defined boundaries that he has now somehow broken? If yes then was the boundary willingly agreed to by him? I personally think this isn’t an automatic relationship-breaker, but your reaction to it does suggest you two need to have some serious conversations about desire/ expectations before you move in together.

[Patsypie]

He's obviously a regular user. God knows what else he's up to. I wouldn't buy a house with him

[where2begin]

We've lived together for over 2 years. I honestly don't know what to do.
I feel so hurt by this and don't know how I can get past it.
At the same time, I really don't want to lose him. He's kind, caring and supportive and we have a great relationship (or so I thought).
I just feel so devastated.
I don't want it to be the end of our relationship but I don't know what to do to get past this

[Blahblahblahzz]

I’ll ask you again - have you talked about this kind of thing before? Have you discussed porn? Good communication is the key to getting through this. Walking away from an otherwise decent man over this and hoping to find some pure angel is just impractical. Unless you have discussed it and he deliberately broke what you have agreed.

[TirisfalPumpkin]

You don’t have to accept this. It doesn’t have to be ‘in person’ cheating to be unacceptable to you. Your boundaries are your boundaries.

It’s a shock when you find out, and what you catch them doing is nearly always a small sliver of what they are actually doing.

Love to you OP. It sucks, especially when you’ve made plans to commit.

[where2begin]

We've never directly discussed it I supposed. I don't think it would be unreasonable for me to assume he wasn't chatting and requesting random women online to perform sex acts on a web cam for him.
This is my problem though, I have no idea whether he did that or did just look out of curiosity.
We are together a lot. Almost all the time at home, work in the same place and travel to and from there together so even before lock down his opportunities for this are few and far between.
We go to bed together every night and he is the one who always wants to fall asleep with his arm around me or cuddled up.
I just don't know why he's done this or when

[NoMoreDickheads]

I don't want it to be the end of our relationship but I don't know what to do to get past this

I would back out of the house buying if you can. Stay at just living together for a while maybe, so you can work on things.

If you're cunning like a lot of the MN sisters, you could see if you can find out what else he gets upto online etc.

[Busybee2912]

OP do you think this will affect the trust in your relationship?

[where2begin]

Yes, my trust in him has just taken a massive hit.

[backseatcookers]

I don't think it would be unreasonable for me to assume he wasn't chatting and requesting random women online to perform sex acts on a web cam for him.

That's not unreasonable. At all.

At least pause stuff and put the house on hold if you don't feel ready to end the relationship totally.

Then you can see how you feel and if you can forgive / forget. I don't see why you should have to forgive or forget your partner seeing women as a commodity that can be bought.

Think of it this way - Would he be happy for you to be on that site unbeknownst to him, taking your clothes off while guys watch and wank? If not why is it ok for him to be the guy in that situation?

[SandyY2K]

I don't think you need to discuss whether chatting to women online/via cam and taking part in sexual acts one way or another is acceptable.

If you have any decency you know it's not acceptable when you're in a relationship.

[TidyupNowplease]

I have just found out that my DP of 20 years, has been chatting/sexting with a woman with a woman from America. (We are UK). Obviously they have never met and never intend to meet but it's been going on for atleast 12 months.
I guess what I'm saying is I'm in the same shocked and dazed state as you.

[rvby]

Regardless of the rights and wrongs and so on, op you have been turned upside down emotionally and you need to take action to stop anything wrt the house purchase. This isnt the time to commit to this kind of thing with a man who has made you feel so mixed up. Do you know what your options are?

Personally I have no issue with sex work, or pornography, as long as everyone is trying to be ethical. Those ethics include honesty and transparency with all partners though. You've a right to feel shaken. In future perhaps ensure you know your boundaries with this sort of thing, and express them to your partners... not because it's your fault otherwise- simply to avoid the inevitable headfuck of "I cant believe you're dumping me for being curious" etc etc

[LexMitior]

If the shoe was on the other foot and you had been watching other men perform sexual acts to order (possibly paying money), what do you think he would say?

I ask because men who use these services are often incredible hypocrites, and that is the real reason not to buy a house with them.

[Busybee2912]

Why do people say all guys do it etc. It’s just as bad as men saying all women are whores.

[Busybee2912]

@where2begin then that’s what you need to figure out. Maybe get some help, counselling separately or together to help you figure that out.
I don’t think I could look past this but if it’s an otherwise great relationship, then I can see why you don’t want to end it too.

[QuentinWinters]

I dont think I'd end it over porn unless I was convinced it was affecting our relationship
It's not porn. Its talking to and interacting with other women online. In my mind its cyber prostitution.
OP I wouldn't marry him. exH did this, persuaded me it was just porn, he hadn't realised I'd be upset blah blah, I stayed for 5 more years in which time he spent thousands of our savings on private shows with these women.
That's why he's an ex. I don't think these men stop because fundamentally they don't see anything wrong with buying sex. To me its infidelity and one step from using prostitutes, totally unacceptable

[where2begin]

@LexMitior this is exact what I asked him. He said he would be hurt, angry and want to know why. He is insisting he never used the "chat" function and only looked.
I'm not sure if I believe him and I'm trying to be very aware that just because I want to believe him doesn't mean I should.
This has all just happened today and my head is pounding with it.
I've told him he's not coming anywhere near the bedroom tonight. He understands and has apologised etc but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than that.
I do need to figure out if this is something I can get past. I don't want to live my life wondering what he's up to.

[HighOnStilts]

You need to take a deep breath OP. It really pisses me off how quickly people are to say get rid. You need to sit him down and have it out with him, quiz him to fuck and if he has any balls about him he'll be upfront and honest with you! Dont throw away a perfectly good relationship when he could have just made a silly mistake.

[Mary1935]

Hi OP can you ask to see his bank accounts and see if any payments have been made to anything unusual.- well I would insist you see them.
It must be a shock.

[QuentinWinters]

It really pisses me off how quickly people are to say get rid.
Why? You think it's ok for someone to pay for online sex with another woman?

[NoMoreDickheads]

if he has any balls about him he'll be upfront and honest with you!

@HighOnStilts None of them are going to be upfront and honest tho. How would OP know if he had been? They will all make it sound as harmless as possible (which he has.) Or if they've been caught with loads of stuff they might claim to be 'sex addicts.'

But if they can it'll be 'oh I just looked at it once or twice' or whatever.

@where2begin Don't get me wrong, that might be true of your DH but it'll need time for you to regain trust. xx

[yesterdaystotalsteps123]

Men who view women as pieces of meat to buy sex acts from online or otherwise are not men you want to share your one short precious life. Look at this as a gift to disengage today before you waste any more of your time on him. If other people want to throw away their lives on these misogynists fair dos but it's a no from me. I wouldn't have this man cat sit with attitudes like that never mind trust him as my partner in life

[QuentinWinters]

Or if they've been caught with loads of stuff they might claim to be 'sex addicts.'
Yep that's what exH said
What I did was say I needed to be able to look at his phone when I asked (but I would keep it.minimal). I asked 3 times in 5years. Twice he went mental that I didnt trust him. For good reason, gaslighting cunt.
IF you stay, you need to get boundaries in place

[where2begin]

I need some time to get my head round things.
Fortunately the house that we reserved isn't ready for a long time so we don't have to do anything else until September. It means I can sit on it just now and not lose out on the perfect home we picked out for our future if I do happen to see a way through this. If not, I can pull it then. I don't want to make any big decisions today. I've told him to stay out my way and sleep elsewhere tonight.
I feel so sad and alone. I never thought he would do this.
I'm taking some painkillers for my head ache and going to bed now.
Thanks for all the support today.