DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

[where2begin]

Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

[oreocats]

"73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months"

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/experimentations/201802/when-is-porn-use-problem

[Lightsareon]

"73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months"

Of a sample size of 1036, and no info about how those people were selected

[Cheesestring84]

[quote oreocats]"73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months"

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/experimentations/201802/when-is-porn-use-problem[/quote]
Porn use. Mostly pre recorded. Those stats are only from an online survey of couples under 35, and only around 1000 of them. Not all men watch porn, but even if they do; chat sites and camming is a whole other level than pre recorded. It is a massive problem and does need addressing, as far as relationships go you absolutely can and should expect someone to put you as a couple first, including sexual desires and needs.

[QuentinWinters]

I feel like I could have written this word for word just over a decade ago. I got mad, sad, tried to talk, believed all the one off bullshit and the sorrys. Ultimately ended up with years of heartbreak and a divorce. With hindsight I would scream 'don't waste your time'. Also, it is bull that all men do it. Absolute bull.

Yep same

[QuentinWinters]

"73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months"
Webcams are different to porn. They are interactive, you can pay for live private sessions and you can chat with the girls. My ex was telling so many girls how gorgeous they were,how sexy, chatting about his home life with them. It's gross and extremely hurtful.

op the sites usually run with tokens, buying the tokens shows as some random obfuscated internet purchase, it won't come up as "chaturbate". He may also have another credit card just for this.

Don't know why so many posters on here are so keen to write this off as "just porn, all men do it". All men don't do cams. The men I have talked to about exH have been disgusted and horrified. EVERYONE without exception has said it would be a deal breaker for them

[Socialdistancegintonic]

PsychologyToday is not a peer reviewed respected research journal. It’s a magazine basically. So best not take their findings as fact!

[Socialdistancegintonic]

[quote SoulofanAggron]@jackdaw141 As far as I know it's live. That's the whole point of it. But only the men who are paying get to suggest what the woman does. Other men can 'only' watch.[/quote]
That is really dark.

It is in no way ‘normal’.

If any posters here think this is okay and normal, and shows nothing to be particularly worried about, I think we have a lot of female enablers of this pretty horrible behaviour. Minimising at its worst. Sorry OP. This is bad.

[jackdaw141]

It is bad. And also very sad. Sad for the people who have to do this. Sad for the people who waste money and time on wanking.

[where2begin]

I do actually believe that he's not been doing this regularly. Or that he's ever paid for anything.
But it doesn't change how it's made me feel.
I feel like I'm not enough and I feel worthless. I feel so sad. Because there was a screen recording I saw a glimpse of what he watched. Blonde (not me). Massive boobs (not me).
How would I every feel secure or confident around him ever again?

[where2begin]

Him or anyone!
My ExH did this too. I feel pathetic.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Hi OP

Did he know that your ex did this and how it made you feel?

[KeepHimJolene]

Just asked DP. It apparently comes up as an ad when he's on pornhub FFS! Asked when he goes on pornhub, he says "whenever I can". That's the truth ladies, they are all at it! Get over it

[where2begin]

No, I'd never discussed that. I was embarrassed by the fact that my ex had done it. I didn't at any point want to tell him my ExH lost interest in me and used porn instead!
I always just assumed it was because I wasn't attractive enough to deserve his attention.
Then my DP seemed to be so attracted to me and that side of our relationship had always been good so I let myself believe it could be different for me with him. Turns out not.

[SoulofanAggron]

@where2begin I've read a lot of Mumsnet threads and know a lot of women take it personally, but I honestly think you would be right to tell yourself that it doesn't say anything about how he feels about you at all.

That's my opinion anyway. I think if you talk through with him all the things you feel etc, hopefully he will reassure you about his feelings for you etc.
-
Don't get me wrong it would still turn me off as I see men who are into this stuff as sex-obsessed, but that's just based on my experiences with exes, and it's a spectrum from someone who watches stuff of any kind for hours a day and someone who might look at it occasionally.

As to your ex, if he chose porn over you that says more about him and again probably nothing about you. Some of them like the laziness of it, that it's effectively completely indulging themselves, or the novelty value of it being like a 'sweet shop' with limitless variety.

[Lightsareon]

You're not worthless and this isn't about any defect or deficiency in you, it's him who's defective and incapable of a committed relationship, same goes for your ex. It's possible you need to do some work on yourself, strengthen your self esteem and confidence so these arseholes don't see the chink in your armour and make a beeline for you but the fault is with them, not you.

[Blahblahblahzz]

So porn destroyed your last relationship? Does your current partner know this? Like I said yesterday, I think you two need some conversations about sex/ curiosity/ desire/ previous experiences of these three things are needed, maybe even with the help of a counsellor. Now’s the time to try to understand one another and grow as a couple, I’d say, rather than stick a label in him or get scared and dump someone who, on the whole, seems a decent bloke.

[where2begin]

@Blahblahblahzz no. The porn was not the main issue in my previous relationship. It's not what destroyed it anyway, but it was an issue.

[ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking]

know a lot of women take it personally, but I honestly think you would be right to tell yourself that it doesn't say anything about how he feels about you at all.

It is though isn’t it? It’s either saying partner is not good enough or that she is simply not enough and feelings are for one person and sexual fulfilment is with several people.

Why go and get stimulation elsewhere if the partner you love and fancy enthusiastically gives you all the attention you need? It’s grim.

[SoulofanAggron]

It is though isn’t it? It’s either saying partner is not good enough or that she is simply not enough

@ThoseBootsAreMadeForWalking Absolutely not. It's stuff to watch. I'm not saying it's a good thing, I'm saying I don't think it means they don't find their partner attractive or good enough in bed or anything.

It's like you can have a delicious steak at a lovely restaurant with your partner- the next day your partner might be at work and you might fancy some wine gums.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like porn, I just think if women feel it means their partner doesn't fancy them/isn't satisfied then that's really sad to hear as it isn't usually so.

[GilbertMarkham]

Before I say what I'm going to say, I'll first man's if clear that I see sex chat sites and can sites (even if you are "just" watching and not paying or interacting) to be a level above big standard prerecorded porn.

I'd be extremely extremely unhappy about my partner using them a d would probably finish the relationship.

On the prerecorded porn front - I accept my partner uses it to a moderate extent and I do too.

Recent threads have made me v award of the ethical issues so I haven't used it much recently, and I've also tried to stick to "solo" male porn.

From watching it myself,I would say that the type of actor, their looks, body type, demeanour ... And the sex acts in porn that I've ranged over- has very little relation to what I'd go for for a relationship of the sex acts I would participate in a relationship (even a casual, sexual relationship). It is purely about visual, sexual stimulation and fantasy and that is fairly one dimensional, whereas life, relationships, people etc are not (unless you're not well adjusted in which case they might be for you). So it's a completely different, very one dimensional realm .. and someone watching a actor/ress with a particular look may mean nothing at all.

Also, being almost entirely sexual; the emphasis is on sex organs and those tend to become exaggerated in fantasy porn because of this (porn, anime, manga, cartoons, paintings like the ones in Pompeii, you babe it) .. the focus is sexual fantasy so sexual parts are exaggerated; which leads to do many (not all) porn actresses having implants or naturally bigger boobs, and equally porn actors having much larger than average dicks.

(Obviously there are exceptions and porn encompasses many body types but mainstream, usually the actresses have big boobs and the actors have big dicks!). So I would in no way assume that someone watching either for sexual stimulation, doesn't/couldn't find someone very attractive, who doesn't have a body like that. They play a role, and that role is fairly one dimensional.. whereas a partner/loved whatever generally does not; you're looking for sexual.attractivenesds alongside lots of other qualities (and the sexual attractiveness could be very varied).
If I were looking for porn as a visual.aid to masturbation I'd look.fid an a for I thought had a good body, relatively attractive,bigger dick and whose "style" i liked depending on my mood. Do you think that's what I'd be looking for in a partner? Of course not. Dick size for example wouldn't matter much at all, and it wouldnt affect me enjoying sex.

Anyway.. I really would t get so upset about a man you're seeing watching prerecorded porn, and with women in it whose body type you do not match.

Of course you could an ethical objection to porn and not want to be with a man who watched it .. but that doesn't sound like your main issue with it.

On the cam, chat etc site thing - too.far fir me personally .. I'd probably not want to stay with them. At the very least they'd have to agree it was over the line and never go on anything like that again and I'd have to believe/trust them in that.

[GilbertMarkham]

*you name it, weird autocorrect fail with babe!

[SandyY2K]

@KeepHimJolene

Just asked DP. It apparently comes up as an ad when he's on pornhub FFS! Asked when he goes on pornhub, he says "whenever I can". That's the truth ladies, they are all at it! Get over it

Since when did your DP become representative of all men? Because he does it, doesn't mean all men do.

[GilbertMarkham]

Also worth adding that of it becomes a compulsion/addiction (standard, pre recorded,non- interactive porn) a d the sex life suffers; that's a huge issue too. It seems v hard to solve and best to get out.

[GilbertMarkham]

Since when did your DP become representative of all men? Because he does it, doesn't mean all men do.

Yep "they're all at it ladies" ... From a sample of one.

[GilbertMarkham]

To be fair, in my experience, most men do watch porn .. however can sites and sex chat sites are a different (to me much worse) kettle of fish from prerecorded porn, a d I have no idea how many men I've been with have been or would go in such sites.