DH has been using cam/chat site **Title edited by MNHQ**

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Just discovered that my DP has been using the website chaturbate.
I'm devastated. We literally just reserved a house.

No worries OP, look after yourself and wishing you a bit of sleep. xx (NoMoreDickheads.)

@doyounothavegoogle Yes, I had a pretty good idea what it might have been but I didn't want to search for myself. Actually, I'm quite naive to the extent

Oops! Posted too soon!

As I was saying, I'll quite readily admit that I have very limited knowledge of what people are using the internet for.

I'd prefer to get a brief summary from a poster on Mumsnet as opposed to searching and investigating for myself.

The problem is this kind of shit pops up on porn sites all the time and to be honest like someone else said, to me it feels like cyber prostitution. If men think you are ok with porn, most will think you will be ok with this too, so long as they aren’t paying. Many just don’t see what the difference is , they just think it’s a different kind of porn . I think many women would be bloody horrified if they knew what their partners watched , usually behind their backs too.

OP i know this has been a shock for you and your upset. I wouldnt like it either but please dont listen to all these comments on here telling you to leave him! When you watch porn these cam sites pop up all the time its normal for a guy to be curious and look. As much as i would be annoyed with my partner for looking at it ( cam girls not porn!) I wouldnt end my relationship over it. It doesnt mean hes going to cheat or more likely to either so ignore them comments ... if he is otherwise a nice guy and your happy in your relationship then just try and chat about it with him and tell him you won't put up with it etc. If he was to then go on there in the future and you catch him after telling him how you feel about it then that's another story...

Pre-recorded, not live, not interactive porn is ok with me (though I am well aware of the ethical issues) .. this is most definitely not.

It crosses the line.

My partner watches this disgusting garbage too. It's insulting. I try to ignore it because we have a child on the way but honestly another other situation and I would decide it a deal breaker and leave. It might even end up being the reason I leave in the future. He's spoke about marriage but I would never ever even consider it while I know he watches these things. He knows I love him and I am willing to compromise and cope with it but our relationship will never truly evolve unless he dedicated himself to me and not women he doesn't even know

Hmm...intrigued by this site so I googled a bit. It’s all pre-recorded as click bait. To interact you have to join up and spend real money by linking your chaturbate account to a bank account. I forget to check what the operators say the debits will be billed as, but it will be in FAQ I assume. It’s not live and anyone can google just as they can pornhub etc. It’s either wank fodder or he is interacting but would have to pay for that service.

Grim site in any event. There aren’t that many users as it lists the number on each exhibitor and it’s quite low but then it’s early hours in Europe and most wankers are asleep.

I’m really sorry. I don’t believe ‘all guys do it’. It’s a big red flag.

I’ve had a few relationships, and two were either into porn or chat sites. Both were at heart very selfish people, and had a cruel streak that wasn’t evident at all for a long while. And both were in different ways rubbish partners. I’d be very, very wary of any guy I now dated being either into porn in any way or using a site like this.

It shows a weakness, a lack of respectful, real relationship skills, it shows they haven’t even got their shit together over their own sexuality. Sex is amazing but funnily enough I don’t feel the need to look at degraded men to get off. I’d worry about myself. If I was saving the screen shots I’d think there was something wrong. How many women do you know who are saving screenshots of men wanking online, and hiding it in a relationship?

Think of this the other way around? Be very cautious. Plenty of men who don’t do this out there.

I try to ignore it because we have a child on the way but honestly another other situation and I would decide it a deal breaker I’m really sorry for you too. What a horrible position to be in. It must make you feel that you are not exclusive, that your partner isn’t looking to you for affection and sex, but elsewhere, right at the point you are pregnant. Right at the time you need him to be there for you. My Ex cheated on me when I was pregnant too, and mucked me around ever since. When I say cheated, it was a lot of sexting women from online dating websites, as I think he thought he was too classy and cool for porn sites, but it was similar - using any random woman to get off. I now believe my Ex has a deep rooted problem and was becoming very verbally abusive to me in the end. So please take care of yourself and your baby as number one.

You need to do a full audit of his phone, emails, WhatsApp, bank a/c OP - to see how big the issue is. How did you find the original evidence? Look thoroughly through everything and look out for hidden apps & deleted stuff (though maybe he spent his time away from you last night getting rid of evidence). He's lost his right to privacy until you can trust him again.

Oh OP

This could be just a one off. But that sick feeling in your stomach tells you what you need to know. Please listen to all the posters on here who've lived this. Rarely, if ever do men who use sites like this turn out to be decent partners who never do it again.

He'll minimise, only admit to what you've already found and almost certainly do it again when he thinks he can get away with it.

Have a rummage around bank accounts, ask him for full access to his phone - his response will tell you what you need to know.

I don't think it would matter to me if it was once or a hundred times, if he is the kind of man paying for sex over the internet then he certainly would not be someone I could ever envisage a future with.

I am assuming you do not have children and only have a house on reserve. I would call it a day. Your trust is shattered, he is not the man you thought he was. For any relationship to flourish and be successful you need trust.

The 'perfect' home will not change who he is, and is unlikely to bring you any lasting happiness. If you forgive this then he will see it as a green light to do it again (after all you got past the first time) and if you don't the relationship is over anyway.

Cut your losses.

he says he doesn't have an account. He's insisting that he was only on it one time
Yep - that is what they ALL say.
You just happen to catch him when he did it just once!??
Not a chance.
But.... no knee jerk reactions.
Think things through properly.
Keep him out of your space so you have time to get your head around it.

I would honestly suggest that you tell him to have found other evidence that this is not the first and only time and if he doesn't come clean then it's truly over.
His reaction to this will tell you a lot.
Do you have a non-judgey friend you could talk to?
It really will help to talk this through with someone in real life.

He hasn't paid for anything. I told him I needed to see proof and he let me look through his bank accounts and credit cards. All of them. There is nothing anywhere to suggest he paid for anything.

If he let you look through his bank accounts etc then my guess is this was just one silly mistake. Please OP, dont throw it all away over this!! You just need to lay the law down with him, let him know you wont tolerate it going forward. X

Also let him know that a significant amount of the 'exhibitors' on these sites are young women, with a high proportion in the age range 19-25 and mostly from countries with poorer work prospects. Many of those young women are coerced into the sex industry to provide for their families purely because of their good looks. Many of those women will not have the choice to become doctors, lawyers and teachers and will be denied that basic freedom.

Don't throw away a perfectly good relationship when he could have just made a silly mistake.

Or you could have some boundaries, some standards for yourself and realise that a relationship with a man who does this is not 'perfectly good'. I want better for myself than some sexually incontinent liar who gets off on 'buying' (or watching other people buy) access to women's bodies, how about you OP? I'd rather be alone forever than put up with the sort of crap described here as a 'silly mistake'.

@Lightsareon

Don't throw away a perfectly good relationship when he could have just made a silly mistake.

Or you could have some boundaries, some standards for yourself and realise that a relationship with a man who does this is not 'perfectly good'. I want better for myself than some sexually incontinent liar who gets off on 'buying' (or watching other people buy) access to women's bodies, how about you OP? I'd rather be alone forever than put up with the sort of crap described here as a 'silly mistake'.

100%.

Without wanting to place demands or expectations on OP, are we really still accepting 'whoops, I accidentally clicked and all this porn ended up on my computer'?

This is worse than that - live, interactive content with women in the sex trade. For a man to find this remotely erotic, he will have some pretty deep character flaws.

@Socialdistancegintonic thank you, i needed to hear that.

Also OP my partner doesn't actually pay for the women to do things either but don't think that takes away from the issue. Yeah it makes it slightly less scrummy but they're still watching other women when IMO you should be their main focus. I would decide if its a deal breaker for you or not and leave or stay. Trust me when I say you shouldnt just "cope" and let it slowly eat you away, because every single time you accidentally see a tab left open, every time you find another "style" they're into, more women they're into - if you aren't comfortable with it, it will keep hurting you again and again and sap your self confidence e.g. "am i not good enough like these women? Would he cheat? Does he wish I'd change?".

Also I feel like I should say dont pressure your partner to change either. I've found most guys who watch porn, be it a partner ive had or a friend, when pressured will lie and say they will stop watching it when that just makes it worse, creates stepping on eggshells, distrust. I think most men who watch it wont stop, if it's any reassurance your partner has probably been doing it for years and years before they knew you. Just warning you in case it comes to that discussion

My DH and i both watch porn sometimes and neither of us has ever used a site like this. I just asked him what he thinks and he said he would definitely class it as cheating. I feel the same. I'm surprised that so many people are saying it's the same as watching a porn video. Interesting to hear other perspectives though.

I'm so sorry that this has happened OP. I totally agree with others that now is not the time to buy a house with this man. I know you have paid a reservation fee but that is a drop in the ocean compared to actually paying for the house. Pull the plug now. Look up "sunk cost fallacy"

Most guys watch porn. Ones that claim not to are likely to be liars. Chaturbate is another form of porn. Most guys who go on there lurk. You will get some spending money for requests. If that's what your DP is doing then in my book that's a red flag; otherwise I wouldn't get too upset about it particularly if your relationship is generally a happy one.

@jackdaw141 As far as I know it's live. That's the whole point of it. But only the men who are paying get to suggest what the woman does. Other men can 'only' watch.

I feel like I could have written this word for word just over a decade ago. I got mad, sad, tried to talk, believed all the one off bullshit and the sorrys. Ultimately ended up with years of heartbreak and a divorce. With hindsight I would scream 'don't waste your time'. Also, it is bull that all men do it. Absolute bull.