Why did I trust him - such a fool

[Meadow1203]

It seems I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I moved to France last year, sold up in the UK and bought a house with my DP which needs major renovation. We had a dream to make a lovely home with a couple of gites, be self sufficient . That was until 3 days ago when announced that we are finished.
He is convinced that I had sex with my ex in Feb, when I had to go back to the UK, I did not and he thinks I have been talking to my ex which I have not other than a text a few week ago about our adult son. I am on good terms with my ex who I was with for 20 years and he hates it, he asked me to not talk to him anymore which I pretty much have.
So rewind 3 days ago, out of the blue he has messaged my ex's gf and told her that I have sleep with her bf, she has sent me very nasty messages.
I am devastated, I am here with no support, no money, friends or family, my dream has been smashed to pieces. Am having major panic attacks and feel sick to my stomach. I am stuck here and just don't know what to do.

He sounds like a very nasty man. Can you talk to your Exs GF and tell her the truth. Send a message to her and your Ex with the exact same contents, explaining that your DP is extremely jealous and has made this whole thing up.

How did he even get her number? From your phone? Social media?

You need to tell them it's him who has a problem and he's ended your relationship based on his own insecurities, but you don't want his nastiness to affect their relationship.

I'm sorry you're in this position. I don't understand what evidence he has for his accusations.

He has always been jealous of the ex, it has been cause for many arguments. DP and the gf are now talking and probably convincing themselves of all sorts. I have repeatedly told DP that I chose to give up everything and make a life with him. I have given up my friendship with ex and only contact about our son. I feel sick right now.

He sounds fucking awful OP.
Projection going on here I think.
HE cheated while you were away - He is now judging you by his own standards and making a huge drama out of it to deflect away from the fact that HE is the cheat.

You need a plan now to get back.
Is your money tied up in the property?
What is his plan for that?
Is he buying you out or are you selling up?
Please get in touch with people in the UK to get help to get back.

What a nasty piece of work he is.
Do not beg. Do not try to justify anything to him.
Stop pleading your innocence.
He doesn't care.
He has OW waiting in the wings and wants you gone which is why he has done such vile things.
Detach for now. How big is the property.
Can you get away from him to another room or part of the building?

I don't have any advice but he sounds completely crazy. Hopefully your ex knows that your new-ex is making this ridiculous statements and talking to his partner?

I assume you'll have to figure out the legalities and costs of splitting locally in France? At some point, you'll need a lawyer I guess. But I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

The property is mine and yes all my money is tied up here. I am so sad this has happened. Only last week we were making plans for this place. I really don't think there is another woman though.

Is there anyone you could come and stay with in the UK? I would do that if possible, trying to sell a renovation project in France will be a lengthy process.
I would also send a message to the ex with the gf copied in explaining your jealous now ex DP was wrong.

I'm sorry OP , he's probably done you a favour in a way by ending things (although I suspect he may not quite let you go). I agree with @hellsbellsmelons, he's projecting. Please don't go back to him. Find a solicitor and work out how to make the split of assets work fairly. He'll try and stitch you up by claiming the break up is your fault. Find your anger and stand up to him. Get help and support in real life and post here too (ignore the inevitable knobs that will post negative things - there seem to be a lot of nasty bored people on MN lately). I've had to change my life completely several times, it does get better and when you look back you will be grateful you got away when you did.

No one in the UK. Seems my bed lie in it situation. Ex know's about DP, they are constantly being nasty over texts. DP promised me he had blocked ex as I asked him to, just seems ridiculous to me. But clearly that has not happened.

Just seen the property is yours - kick him out.

and change the locks.

I agree he has done you a favour. He was not going to change. He us totally irrational and convinced he is right.

It's going to take time to get your life back on track. Sit down and write out what you want and need to do. Break it down into steps you can start working on.

I know it all seems overwhelming but you can and will get through this.

Has he moved out? Could you rent it out in the short term? Have you family/friends in the UK you can spend time with to get some headspace?

How long have you been with DP?

The house is not habitable am living in a small apartment atm. with 4 cats and 6 chickens ( in the garden). I do feel totally overwhelmed, I feel so angry with myself and so sad. This was supposed to be our dream. I know people keep saying OW but I really don't think so.

Get rid of him what a controlling areshole. I had an ex like this once for too long as then he would backtrack say he was sorry it was because of x y z in his past etc. Total load of bullshit. As soon as I said nd more importantly acted like I will not put up with it along came the sorrys. Then back to arsehole. I ended up getting an injunction on him.
You have an opportunity to do this on your own now and the satisfaction that comes with that. This will make you more happy than any false dreams your dh promised you, beleive me. You need to kick him out and in the meantime go grey on him. Your emotions are hard because I bet this isnt the only drama you've had - you'll be locked into feeling like this but it isnt real. Make plans x

It doesn't really matter if there is an OW or not, he's showing you who he is. He's got you to sell up and spend your money on a house in another country and move away from your friends and family. The signs are all there that he will go on to abuse you more. You have the chance to cut him out of your life now before things get even worse.

He sounds like a deranged lunatic op. Please tell me he has left?

Dont try salvaging this. It should be your wakeup call that you are with a psyco.

I'd text her 'I'm not shagging my ex. My partner clearly has jealousy issues that cannot be worked through. I have asked him to leave. I'm sorry for any distress he has caused you. I wish nothing but happiness for you both'.

So get a plan together OP.
Knowing that he is an abusive controlling cunt.
What are your next steps?
Get the house back on the market?
Get to the UK?
Who's cats are they?
Is he still living with you?

Look for the positives;

you own the property so you DO have some-where to live, and can throw out the worthless shit ASAP.

Now you can resume relations with your son; and your ex. Ex is in the same position as you, innocent falsely accused . He is not to blame and neither are you.

2 of the cats are mine. I am trying to positive but all a bit of a shock. I feel very stupid right now.

1. Thank goodness the property is yours.
2. What would it take to make it habitable? Even if it's only a couple of rooms.
3. Do you have enough money saved to be able to get renovations done on a small part of the house ASAP?
4. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you can't renovate the property yourself.
5. The chickens can move to the new property even if you can't live there at the moment.
6. You could rent a very small place by yourself and take the cats with you.
7. What support do you have in the UK? Eg. do you have family members you can talk this through with?
8. Go on facebook and look for groups of British ex-pats in the area you live in. There are things like British in Europe - France etc. You will get support there from people and help with things like recommendations for people to do renovation work. Some of the Brits might even be able to do some of the work for you - paid of course! I found someone in the country I live in who did my laminate floors for me.
9. I know it was your dream to do this with him and it must be a horrible shock but he sounds like a truly awful man and you'd have no end of trouble with his jealousy issues. But you can do this on your own too. You could renovate and sell and move back to the UK or you might find you develop a friendship network in France and love it as a single person.

Thank you stelm Because of Covid, my work has dried up so very low on funds. I have a small gite which I am living in for now so me and the cats are not homeless, I miss my boys and friends terribly as not been able to come back to the UK.

Thank you stelm Because of Covid, my work has dried up so very low on funds. I have a small gite which I am living in for now so me and the cats are not homeless, I miss my boys and friends terribly as not been able to come back to the UK.
Where is he? Has he moved out? If he hasn't get rid of him asap.
Meanwhile do look on facebook to see what the ex-pat community is up to so that you feel less lonely. Once the shock has worn off you can make a plan as to how to proceed.

If you are not married I don't think he has much ''right' to your property unless he also paid for it.
You need to decide if you want to live in France - if so - you need to apply for your residency now as it will be difficult after 31/12/20 but you do need to show you have a certain regular income to live on. (You must know that?)
There are loads of facebook sites for Brit. expats in France.
Put the property back on the market if you want to leave France.
Forget about the DP .

OP, how long were you together? It's ok to be in shock but start planning your life without this man in your life. Do not take him back - sometimes things do not seem clear from the beginning. I am a believer that things happens for a reason.

Can your boys help you in anyway? Do not waste the energy that you have in overthinking. You cannot change lots of things at the moment, so you need to act fast.

We have been tog for 4 years. He will truly believe he is the victim in all this.