Why did I trust him - such a fool

[Meadow1203]

It seems I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I moved to France last year, sold up in the UK and bought a house with my DP which needs major renovation. We had a dream to make a lovely home with a couple of gites, be self sufficient . That was until 3 days ago when announced that we are finished.
He is convinced that I had sex with my ex in Feb, when I had to go back to the UK, I did not and he thinks I have been talking to my ex which I have not other than a text a few week ago about our adult son. I am on good terms with my ex who I was with for 20 years and he hates it, he asked me to not talk to him anymore which I pretty much have.
So rewind 3 days ago, out of the blue he has messaged my ex's gf and told her that I have sleep with her bf, she has sent me very nasty messages.
I am devastated, I am here with no support, no money, friends or family, my dream has been smashed to pieces. Am having major panic attacks and feel sick to my stomach. I am stuck here and just don't know what to do.

I have just told him no to the £500 there is going to be hell to play. . I need to ask him to leave cannot live like this any more. I am angry but need to keep calm.

He is extorting money from you with menaces. Why not google to find out what that is called in France and then ring the police. He doesn't have any right to live with you so get him moved on. Can your son come and stay with you?

I have just told him no to the £500 there is going to be hell to play
Not if you stay strong and resolute OP.
He's a bully. They are basically cowards.
Threaten with Police if you have to but don't allow this god awful man to bully you any more.
Time to stand up for YOU now.
It's wrecking your mental health.
If he comes back with 'I supported us over the last few months'
You tell him how long you did it for and what you have worked out that he should owe YOU!

Calling the police in France is pointless. I am a stupid woman putting my self in this position, leaving my family and friends. Yes I made a stupid mistake meeting up with my ex in Feb, I have apologised time and time again but he will never forgive me. Just got to find a way to split.

He is only after money so make sure he realises that the well is dried up. Put your money into a savings account where you can't access it. Have very little food in the kitchen and tell him that you are stony broke and can he do a shop? Lie to him if you have to. You have lost your job and you are not as well off as he thinks. Can you return to the UK and sell up in France?

Also, this has nothing to do with meeting up with your ex. He would have invented a different reason. Maybe he would have claimed that you had an affair with the local farmer. He is a con man, you cannot trust any words he says.

I've just read the thread - why haven't you thrown him out or even asked him to leave? Stop responding to shitty emails, give him an ultimatum and then call the police if he refuses to leave.

grow funny this is what my friends have said, Re money sadly he knows how much I have, though have put it into a savings account. Re my ex, he banned me from talking to him which was a shame as we get along well but no romance at all.

Yes I made a stupid mistake meeting up with my ex in Feb

No, you didn't.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You met with an ex partner who you share children with, and who is in a presumably long-term, committed relationship with his partner - as were you.

There is nothing wrong with that.

You did nothing wrong or particularly unusual.

You didnt make a mistake.

He has blown it up into something gigantic for reasons best known to himself ..
It is significant that everything he suggests and focuses on is about money. He's trying to live off you.

He is, as above, a con man.

Wake up.

Please listen to people on here, it's like taking to a brick wall.

He has really brain washed you.

*talking to

Sue you are right. We had agreed that he was going to stay in the campervan and finish the gite. It would have suited us both if that makes any sense. But it is getting complicated.

Re my ex, he banned me from talking to him

If you.are still together (why?) that is controlling and unreasonable and you shouldn't accept it. You did t cheat on him, you know you didn't cheat on him, you know you did nothing wrong, he's convinced you you did something wrong by meeting him socially but you didn't. He had no right to tell you to stop speaking to your ex and father of your kids.

If you aren't together, he had no right to tell you to do or not do anything!!!!!!

Anything at all!

Why are you letting him tell you what to do?

He's your ex (?)

And he's a crazy, paranoid, jealous, manipulative, abusive, verbally abusive (called you a whore repeatedly right?) Money grabbing, exploitative ex.

Re my ex, he banned me from talking to him which was a shame as we get along well but no romance at all
You allowed that OP.
That should have been a massive huge red flag and you missed it and did as the 'man' asked you.
You share a child together. Why wouldn't you talk to him?

Gilbert I did because I woke up fully clothed with my ex next to me at my mums house. My ex and can be a bit stupid.

Stop dwelling on past events. This man has broken up with you so he has no legal right to money from you, or to use your van. Tell him to leave. Stop thinking this is some scene from a romantic movie. This is a gangster film and he is the one with the gun pointed at you.

I'm with all PPs , don't give him another penny.
He wants to finish the project and you to pay him ??? Cheeky fucker.
Just say ' no thanks , we're over so I'll sort it myself from now on'
Sadly I think the van is lost as you signed it over (why?)
Might be a small price to pay to get rid of him.
Get your adult som and a friend over to persuade him to leave and explain firmly he's not welcome back.

Lesson learned , as a single woman NEVER give up your own financial assets / security

I did because I woke up fully clothed with my ex next to me at my mums house. My ex and can be a bit stupid.

I have no idea what circumstances led you to end up sleeping in the same place/on the sane bed as your ex (take it his partner was not attending?) and that is somewhat inappropriate, but at the end of the day you didn't cheat on him with your ex, right?

So he can either accept hat you got drunk and silly at a house party (?( and slept in the same bed as you ex but did not do anything sexual/romantic or he can't.

He appears he can't accept it, mainly because he can't believe you didn't cheat in him. You've told him you didn't, he doesn't believe you, had ended the relationship, and in your last meetup ended up repeatedly calling you a whore and getting physical (??)

Some people would be able to accept it and trust their partner, he clearly cannot/doesn't want to. He sounds generally quite jealous and paranoid even before that happened.

So it's just not going to work for you to continue being wrapped up with him. You should stop contact and figure out another way to complete your project, as many posters have said.

Aside from all this, he seems to see you as a meal ticket, and like you owe him a living/money .. you don't.

He decided you're finished, let him take the financial consequences of that instead of trying to dump you, call you names like whore .. but continue to live off you, be paid by you, stay in your property etc.

Perhaps that incident has had the accidental silver lining of letting you see fully what you've been in a relationship with - a user.

Oh and I'm not trying to be offensive, but if you (drink related?) end up in situations like waking up next to your ex unintentionally, and the scenes like the one when you met your user French ex for dinner and with apparently quite a few drinks ended up in extreme name calling, and two way physical scuffling .... It really might be worth looking into your relationship with alcohol.

Maybe they're exceptional but if they're not, it's not helping you.

Of course I did not have sex with my ex. I was visiting the UK to see my Son who had been in a car accident. We had a gathering at my mums, yes lots of booze, I feel asleep on the bed and in the morning ex was next to me also fully clothed. My mum had invited me ex to stay so kind of put in an awkward situation. When I met him I told him ex and I are mates and he has never accepted. I would never get back with ex. Yes he is very jealous.

(I didn't mean to imply you were name calling btw, it sounds like it was only him).

There really should be a warning manual written about men who dream of renovating dilapidated properties abroad. It seems such a high proportion of them are drawn to it primarily because they are such cunts and relish isolating a woman in such circumstances only to treat her like shit.
Or that they’re so financially opaque it’s the only way they can have a home bigger and better than their acquaintances without obtaining it through the traditional , honest, hardworking route. Or that they are such intolerable characters that moving abroad disguises the fact that they are unable to build relationships on their own turf.
Whatever it is, I’ve learned to see the desire to embark upon these projects as a red flag as big as any other.

I feel asleep on the bed and in the morning ex was next to me also fully clothed

Well then, it's not even that you knowingly chose to sleep on the sane bed as your ex. He chose to sleep.on the sane bed as (an already sleeping) you.

Your mum invited him to stay bit where did she expect him to sleep? Dud she expect him to go into a bedroom and get on the save bed as you?

It's a little bit strange and I'm surprised your ex (and your mum.if she knew) didn't give any thought/caution to.hiw your respective partners might feel about it.

However when it comes down to it, it's up to them to decide whether they can accept it or not. And you weren't even a knowing/intentional "participant"; so you should not have been treated like you have about it imo.

I feel like it would give cause to a normal partner to be slightly uncomfortable, to wonder why your ex didn't see it as a bit I appropriate (though it sounds like he was v drunk) and to ask you to make sure you didn't place yourself in such a potential position repeatedly, by being circumspect about alcohol etc. (Though I still think you weren't really responsible).

But he's not a normal, well adjusted partner - as you've known for some time.

That's the real issue here, so stop.lettimg him blame and guilt you.

And he's also a user. That's the other main issue here.

If he can't get past it, he should fuck off and stop trying to live off you.

And you need to get him gone and stop letting him try.

(and that 'if" is clearly rhetorical, because he blatantly hasn't, can't and won't get past it. He's just using it as a stick to beat you to get his (financial) way).

Any man who tries to tell you what you can and cannot do, who you can and cannot speak to is bad news and should be avoided at all costs. Never ever accept these kinds of ultimatums from anyone you may date in the future. They are usually jealous, egotistical, misogynistic, shallow control freaks.

Have you decided if you are doing up to sell or are you going to stay in France? It sounds like you would be very isolated.

Get him out ASAP, he is volatile and abusive. You owe him nothing. Please tell your mum and family what you are going through.