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Original poster

Why did I trust him - such a fool

178 replies

Meadow1203 · 02/07/2020 11:45

It seems I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I moved to France last year, sold up in the UK and bought a house with my DP which needs major renovation. We had a dream to make a lovely home with a couple of gites, be self sufficient . That was until 3 days ago when announced that we are finished.
He is convinced that I had sex with my ex in Feb, when I had to go back to the UK, I did not and he thinks I have been talking to my ex which I have not other than a text a few week ago about our adult son. I am on good terms with my ex who I was with for 20 years and he hates it, he asked me to not talk to him anymore which I pretty much have.
So rewind 3 days ago, out of the blue he has messaged my ex's gf and told her that I have sleep with her bf, she has sent me very nasty messages.
I am devastated, I am here with no support, no money, friends or family, my dream has been smashed to pieces. Am having major panic attacks and feel sick to my stomach. I am stuck here and just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Simply2020 · 02/07/2020 16:09

OP, there is more to life than walking on egg shells. You're w grown woman and should not be told whom to talk to and that accusation of you sleeping with your ex and then gossiping to a third party. It's a sign, you need to plan your life alone and not with this man.

He is insecure and another 4 years with this man you will have no self confidence or esteem left. Look at this, you will be OK. Get your notebook out and start making plans.

The pandemic has given us so many opportunities as things are moving online. Find your niche - do not take him back!

So, he wanted everything around you to fall. He had no business contacting your ex's girlfriend. You don't need a nasty piece of work like that around you.

Don't allow him to come in and back. Make it permanent.

Why did I trust him - such a fool
fuckoffImcounting · 02/07/2020 17:15

He is a nasty git and you have done nothing wrong. Let him go, take it easy and slowly build your own life again. As you are the property owner I would not be surprised if he come crawling back - kick him out if he does. He is not a good man.

Mumoblue · 02/07/2020 17:21

Dump him.
He has shown a million red flags.
Try and see if you can get any help from family.

So sorry he turned out to be like this OP. It's totally unacceptable and kind of unhinged!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/07/2020 17:33

One step at a time.

Get rid of him.

Then spend a while just relaxing in a space that is totally free of him.

Then choose one more short term goal and then another and another until you have brain space for more.

But get rid of him first and foremost!

JingsMahBucket · 02/07/2020 19:39

Get rid of him. Kick him out. Also, call your ex and talk it through. He's very likely still your friend and may even be worried about you. Tell him everything that is going on and ask him for help. And no, it doesn't matter if your current partner thinks it reinforces his view that the two of you are cheating together.

Your soon to be ex doesn't matter anymore. Get him out of your house and start calling your friends and family for help. Start talking to people to help you work out a plan and reduce the shame.

Diverseopinions · 02/07/2020 22:54

This situation seems worryingly 'not right', and it might be best to keep in mind that your DP could be trying to manipulate you rather than intending to leave. He has you in a vulnerable place in France, away from contacts, and he might be banking on you becoming desperate to keep the relationship going, and doing something very magnanimous such as putting his name on the house. The things which ring alarm bells as being suspicious are:
contacting your ex's girlfriend - far too audacious to be natural
purporting to suspect an affair with absolutely no evidence to go on or way of proving it
If you've been separated from your ex for some time - that makes it even more unbelievable to me that the two of you would suddenly miss each other and have a fling.Not very convenient when he has a partner and you live miles away from each other. It's doesn't stack up that he would genuinely think this - he's pretending
It's worrying that he's already isolated you from your good friend, who happens to be your ex, and got you away from friends and your son (if he isn't in France,too)
Whose idea was it to go to France? I know you both want it, but was it more his idea? Does he have DIY skills that you are dependent upon to make the renovation project work?
Have you ever had reason to distrust his character before? Do you know much about what he has done before he met you?
I think it's good advice to go to your ex for support, and let your DP go. I'm sure that you would have thought through and had contingency plans for financial upsets before committing to this project, and perhaps your son can give you support in person - or someone, I hope. Please stay strong.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2020 00:43

OP you have to see the positive in this... please see that this cretin has done you a massive favour.. the show will go on... do not let him back into your life Flowers

PornStarOvaltini · 03/07/2020 08:20

Is he still there? What commitment has he made to this project? Financial? Can he just walk away?

Is there no way you can convince him he's wrong? Or is it just an excuse do you think?

pigeon999 · 03/07/2020 08:39

Personally in your position, I would pack his bags and change the locks.

I would ask a friend or family member to come and stay for a few weeks and I would put the house on the market tomorrow.

If you can not fund the dream house renovation alone, it would be safer to cut your losses and move back to the UK or elsewhere. It is a huge project to take on by yourself, and may be a step to far without the finances you need to complete it. And you would even want to after this?

I believe he is gas lighting you, and you may well find out more in the coming weeks about his honesty and fidelity. We have seen this many times.

You can definitely have your new start but far away from him!

pigeon999 · 03/07/2020 08:40

Simply such a lovely post

MzHz · 03/07/2020 08:49

He’s played a medium long game to get you isolated and now you’re over there, he’s now enacted the plan to begin to destroy your soul.

Kick him out today. Now. This very second.

Then breathe. Things will work themselves out, Covid stuff is very nearly over and some semblance of normality is returning.

You are so not the first woman to be in this situation and sadly won’t be the last!

Get out there and see who can help you from local community- people will rally together when they hear what’s happening

Main thing - get him gone. He’s an abuser and given how he’s physically affected you in this short period, he’s a dangerous one. You owe him nothing. He’s fucked this up and your conscience is clear.

Short one line communication and no space for negotiation

You need to leave. Now.
I’ll call the police, you’re not staying here

And do it.

pigeon999 · 03/07/2020 08:52

I agree with mz better to know now than to throw away decades of your life on this man. Get rid as quickly as possible.

BurtsBeesKnees · 03/07/2020 11:24

Get angry with him op. Kick him out, nothing is insurmountable. You can do this

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 03/07/2020 11:29

Morning thank you for the lovely posts. Feeling very low today,

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 03/07/2020 13:23

@Meadow1203 afternoon. Have you been able to talk to anyone? They will likely want to help you when you explain what’s going on. There is no shame to be had on your part at all. Just please remember that.

newtb · 03/07/2020 13:43

Meadow whereabouts are you, just generally? There are loads of us in France.

Many people have the dream to run gîtes but, sadly, unless you have other income, it is difficult to make a living from this alone.

Regarding your other income, you'll need to be registered in France for this to be OK, even if the work is in the UK.

Is there a branch of cdiff near you? It's an aid centre for women and their services are free, but in French.

There is also the 'assistante sociale' at your mairie who may be able to help.

In some parts there are Anglo-French associations who could be a source of support.

I'm in the Corrèze, so if I'm anywhere near you, pm me.

Take care

disconnecteddrifter · 03/07/2020 13:51

Have you got rid of him yet? The longer his toxic self hangs around the more pain he is likely to cause you.

Camphillgirl · 03/07/2020 13:58

You are in France now. Law is different. I believe house is yours and he can’t pretend it’s half his. Get rid of him. A stitch in time etc. It will be worth the heartache in the end, otherwise it will stretch on for ever. Lucky he showed his true colours now not some years down the line when it would have been more problematic. There are plenty of men out there looking for women with assets they can take advantage of. Once bitten twice shy. Re read posts on here they are overwhelmingly in your favour. Take strength from the support you have received here. Best of luck for your future.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 03/07/2020 14:41

He wants to separate and remain friends . Said he would like to stay and finish the house and I can pay him 750 a months and feed him We can also go for meals and outings. He is waiting for me to reply to his email.

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 03/07/2020 14:44

Please take time to think. Reread all the comments you have had. This will be the moment you look back on in the future when you had the chance to decide. Choose what future you will thank you for.

AnneKipanki · 03/07/2020 14:46

Wow!
No way.

stealm · 03/07/2020 14:49

No to all of that. Just no.
It's over. He needs to get to fuck.
You get on with your life. You do not need him for anything.
You might have to change your plans but whatever they change to, they do not include him.

Puckishly · 03/07/2020 14:51

He wants to separate and remain friends . Said he would like to stay and finish the house and I can pay him 750 a months and feed him We can also go for meals and outings. He is waiting for me to reply to his email.

Frankly I'd spend several months of his 'salary' paying for a cutprice hitman, rather than seriously entertain the suggestion that you pay this pathologically jealous looper to work on your house and 'go for meals and outings'.

Outraged sympathies, OP. If you give me some idea of where in France you are, I will see if I have any lowlife connections in the vicinity. Or will come and hold your coat while you hit him with something.

JingsMahBucket · 03/07/2020 14:52

@Meadow1203 does this mean he's left the house? If that's the case, get the locks changed, ASAP.

KarenW · 03/07/2020 14:54

That has got to be one of the worst requests ever!! Pay him to be your friend?? He has shown you who he is, TELL him to leave YOUR HOME , NOW.

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