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Original poster

Why did I trust him - such a fool

178 replies

Meadow1203 · 02/07/2020 11:45

It seems I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I moved to France last year, sold up in the UK and bought a house with my DP which needs major renovation. We had a dream to make a lovely home with a couple of gites, be self sufficient . That was until 3 days ago when announced that we are finished.
He is convinced that I had sex with my ex in Feb, when I had to go back to the UK, I did not and he thinks I have been talking to my ex which I have not other than a text a few week ago about our adult son. I am on good terms with my ex who I was with for 20 years and he hates it, he asked me to not talk to him anymore which I pretty much have.
So rewind 3 days ago, out of the blue he has messaged my ex's gf and told her that I have sleep with her bf, she has sent me very nasty messages.
I am devastated, I am here with no support, no money, friends or family, my dream has been smashed to pieces. Am having major panic attacks and feel sick to my stomach. I am stuck here and just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 14:56

Said he would like to stay and finish the house and I can pay him 750 a months and feed him We can also go for meals and outings. He is waiting for me to reply to his email.

Confused

Wtaf.

This is all beyond weird.

He believes you e had an affair with your ex - with no evidence.

Has contacted your ex's partner and caused a huge amount of trouble and at stress for you.

But now wants you to house him, feed him, have him work for you, and on top of all that go for outings like pals.

If he really truly believed you'd had an affair with your ex, with you two having set up a new life together, quite isolated on France .. and he was so convinced that he contacted your ex's partner to spill the beans about it, wouldn't he be raging, angry, betrayed, deeply resentful,, bitter etc .. not wanting to stay with you, work for you, and socialise with you as mates??!!

Something is totally off about all of this.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 03/07/2020 14:56

puckishly lol
jings no he is still here, we are yet to have a conversation about belongings. I just don't have the heart atm. Feeling confused and sad right now

OP posts:
Lipz · 03/07/2020 14:58

OMG what an arse. He dumps you then wants you to pay him to stay, do a bit of work and feed him. Is he nuts!! Get rid of him now. You'll come up with a plan on what to do, you're still in shock so once that goes, then you'll be able to think straight.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 03/07/2020 15:02

He believes I am having and emotional affair with my exe, because up until recently we would chat every now and again and text. We are on good terms but there are no feelings romatically and we will never get back together. He is convinced I had sex with my ex when I went to the UK when there was a family gathering. WE did not have sex. All this is in his mind sadly. His ex wife cheated on him apparently . Seems all through our relationship I have paid the price to that.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:02

As a bamboozled outsider, it looks like he wanted out of the relationship .. so he "owes" you nothing (no fidelity etc.) but still wants you to support him, as such, in France.

It looks like he engineered/trumped up/whatever the affair narrative in order to end the relationship.

But for whatever reasons Hmm he wants to stay in France for the time being, and you're convenient to depend on (for housing, income etc.) to do that.

His reasons are anyone's guess .. obvious suspicion would be a madamoiselle/madame he's involved with or has his eye on.

To fabricate and blow up the affair story like he did; he's mentally not right, got to be a narcissist/sociopath or something.
You need to get tf away from this creature.

growinggreyer · 03/07/2020 15:05

Why does he believe you have that amount of money each month? Tell him that you are now unemployed and that the money has dried up. Ask him if he will sign on for benefits as you can't afford to feed him. Do not buy any food - starve him out. And hide any cash or valuables you have from him.

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:05

He believes I am having and emotional affair with my exe, because up until recently we would chat every now and again and text. We are on good terms but there are no feelings romatically and we will never get back together. He is convinced I had sex with my ex when I went to the UK when there was a family gathering. WE did not have sex.

How many people could truly believe this, and at the sane time want to stay very closely involved with the person as an employer, friend, someone they're dependant on etc.???

I call bullshit.

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:10

He wants you to believe he believes that, and maybe he's even half convinced himself .. but it's a fabrication.

Someone who wanted to believe their partner was not faithful and stay with them would put up with so so much more, (look at these boards!) and need so much more evidence etc.

And if they truly thought they'd carried on an emotional affair and then has sex with the person on a visit back home; they'd be devastated, very angry, bitter, and be looking into how to get away from.them, not be dependent on them etc. Even if he were unemployed in the UK for a while, he could claim benefits and get by.

He wanted out of the relationship, but he wants to stay in France, and he wanted you to feel guilty enough to "look after" him as such.

Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 15:11

He may just want you to think he believes that. Fir control. Abusers like to get you in a cycle of proving your love/worth/innocence.

I'd read Lundys book. He speaks with these people and asks them (abusers on his program) if they genuinely believe their partner is cheating. Think the just of it was: that most said no, not really. But that it's a good means of control to make her think they think that. To have her too fucussed inwards, on trying to prove her innocence instead of on the shit he is doing.

He is gone right op? Please tell us you have finished things with him!

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:11

*believe their partner was faithful

Hailtomyteeth · 03/07/2020 15:12

He's found someone else, wants to stay in France, earn some pocket money by working (no doubt half-heartedly) for you and wants to keep you sweet for easy sex.

I hope you can find a way through this.

Original poster
Meadow1203 · 03/07/2020 15:12

To be clear, he has lives in France for the past 18 year and has a house here but rented out atm.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 15:12

Haha yay ditto pp lol

VettiyaIruken · 03/07/2020 15:12

You should get literally anyone else to sort the house! Don't let him get away with this. It's ridiculous! He doesn't want to be with you, fine. He can fuck off.
But he stays in the house, you pay him, he does God knows how crap a job over god knows how many years and you have to feed him and be his social life 😂😂 he's cracked.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/07/2020 15:12

So, he wants to emotionally abuse you and the financially abuse you too!

Tell him his insecurities have cost him dear and he is to fuck of with immediate effect!

Bloody nerve of the man!

Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 15:16

Ps, his ex was probably lovely too.
He just used her as an excuse to be abusive and blame it on 'insecurities'.

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:16

His ex wife cheated on him apparently .

I'd take that with a rather large pinch of salt until verified.

Seems all through our relationship I have paid the price to that.

Even if it is true, and even if he truly truly believes you have cheated (I don't think so) this means that he is not fit for a decent relationship. He would need to have counselling and avoid relationships until he (if ever) was capable of a healthy relationship.

Not accusing your partner of cheating with no actual evidence, blowing up your relationship and household, and after they've isolated themselves to some extent abroad .... Causing them huge amounts of stress, embarrassment by involving other people etc.

That means the person is not fit for relationships and cannot offer a partner a decent relationship until they solve their issues.

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:20

To be clear, he has lives in France for the past 18 year and has a house here but rented out atm.

Well then he wants to, make money off you, working for you and have somewhere to stay do he doesn't have to evict his tenants and pay for the property (presuming he has a mortgage) or not have money to live off.

Noone truly believes someone has betrayed them and then asks to work for them, stay at their place and socialise with them as mates.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2020 15:21

He is waiting for me to reply to his email.
Fuck off you entitled, insecure, gaslighting, abusive fucking twat.
I want nothing from you. As a partner you are woefully lacking as a friend it would no doubt be the same. So off you fuck - I want you out by the end of the weekend!

Job done!

I highly doubt his wife cheated - As I said much earlier, I think he is the cheat. This is ALL projection.
Can you talk to his ExW? Would be very interesting to hear what she thinks of this nasty piece of shit!
I suspect it's the same as all of us on here!

Janaih · 03/07/2020 15:23

OMG the nerve of this absolute dick! I am angry for you. You've had some very good advice here, I know you must feel wobbly but please just pretend that you are strong and start making arrangements for your new situation. Once you have a bit of control over things you'll gain that strength for real.

As others have said, you are so much better off without this pathetic man Flowers

notapizzaeater · 03/07/2020 15:23

Why would you even want to pay him and go out for meals ?

SandyY2K · 03/07/2020 15:25

Why would he want to be your friend, finish work on the house, have you feed him and have meals out with you if he truly believed you cheated on him?

It doesn't make sense. Apart from him wanting to use you financially. All the above are for his benefit.

Find a professional to do the work on the house.

I can think of many responses to his ridiculous proposal, but I'd probably settle with... "That doesn't work for me"

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:25

You realise that the affair narrative lets him end the relationship with you, and have no obligations towards you in terms of fidelity, support etc. (None of the "disadvantages") while, if you were to go along with his suggestions, retaining all the previous advantages of being in a relationship with you; employment/income/place to stay without making his tenants leave/company when he wants it etc.

Bit of a coincidence all that, isn't it.

GilbertMarkham · 03/07/2020 15:30

I think this is a premier example of gas lighting.

He's telling you what his reason for ending the relationship is, and he's quite convincing (and he may even have convinced himself) so you're confused and think "he must believe that, he must" ....a d that's backed up by you thinking like a normal, well adjusted person who wouldn't behave like this and isn't a narcissist (or whatever the fk he is) that he's never throw away your relationship and what you had together if he didnt believe it etc. But that's not how someone like this functions.

They can really fk with people's heads.

DianaT1969 · 03/07/2020 15:34

It's OK to feel disappointed that it is over, but I bet if you think back, there have always been issues with this relationship and you have chosen to ignore them.
Now you are free. Better now than in 10 years. Covid is causing you separate problems. You need to get your rational head on to work out a plan going forward with finances. If you can live in your gite rent free while you pivot your business, then you can survive until you know if you want to stay in France, or sell up and return to the UK.
You're worried about looking foolish, but a relationship can break up anywhere.