My husband cheated on me with our nanny

[Anab2010]

The biggest cliche ever. And it happened to me. Found out 2 days ago and I am absolutely devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat I can't think. In our house. For 2 months. I feel sick. We have a 4 year old and I have had a miscarriage last month. And one 6m ago. I was crumbling anyway.
She's moved out ( I've kicked her out), he wants us to try and make it...
But how??? How can I ever feel normal again let alone trust him. I have a feeling as if someone died. Our marriage wasn't ideal and we have been drifting apart... but there is no excuse🤮

I needed to let it out...😭😤

[CarolyneDavys]

Break up with him honeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[sangrias]

You don't need to feel guilty telling your son and you are not splitting up the family.
Your husband did that all by himself right there in the kitchen and was loving it.

You have nothing to hide and nothing to feel embarrassed of.

One day your son will appreciate your strength.

[Enko]

@Nellydean21

Whilst De Burgh did have an affair with the nanny it was 12 years after the lady in red was released.

[Honeyroar]

I’m glad you sound like you’re thinking split rather than stay. How would you ever get over a huge betrayal like that - all that creeping around and lying to you for months. Truly disgusting! And how can he say he had feelings for her yet say he wants to work at the marriage. One day, when she’s older, your daughter will be so proud of you walking away from being treated so badly. Hold your head up and make your plans.

[istheresomethingishouldknow]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. they're both vile human beings. And to see them ... what if you'd been carrying your child down the stairs for some reason?!

I couldn't forgive this.

[Nellydean21]

Enko, I stand corrected. You're right.
Still shagging the 19 year old nanny isn't good.

[Toastandjams]

ˇ

[OneFootintheRave]

@FlameFa You kicked her out of the house, but not him?

She was having a consensual adult relationship; it's your husband who has done something wrong"

[scottishlass123]

Hello OP, I do not usually comment on infidelity posts, but I am just so shocked and saddenes by what has happened to you. It is like a bad nightmare. The betrayal from both of them is unforgivable. You and your child are worth so much more than these despicable people, as you both deserve better. I hope you leave him and find happiness in the future. You deserve a honest man who treats you with respect and love. Take care of yourself.

[Candyflosscookie]

Oh OP your post and updates are just ... so awful it's hard to put into words. What an utter fucknugget he is.

Can only back up the advice to get him out for a bit to give you space, look after the financials and get a shit hot lawyer esp for advice on moving back to your second home. I send you all best wishes for a better future without this lying cheating scumbag in it.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Hmm, I'd be inclined to string him along on the proviso he totally dumps her, split them up, get all of you to another country THEN bin him.

That's not stopping him from being a dad but it does stop her from being a step mum to your child.

[morriseysquif]

What kind of man shags another woman while his wife is in the house?

Truly shocked at their gall.

[Marpan]

How awful, especially since he knew what you were going through.
I feel you need to report her to the agency she came from (if there was one)
Absolutely inappropriate behaviour on her part too.

[Starksforthewin]

If you can Anab put your feelings in a mental box for a little while, so you can get the practical life details sorted out.
You’ve had good advice here about getting and securing crucial documents, also, opening a new bank account, taking half of the joint account to fund it, and changing your passwords.

You can’t force your husband to leave the house, but you could ask him to give you some space while you process everything. If he is hoping to ‘win you back’ he might do that.

Don’t hide what has happened. This is not your secret to keep. Share with friends and family, you will need their support. Get your solicitor on board ASAP and take their advice.

His relationship with your child can be sorted later, via the solicitor. Don’t be too soft at this stage, let him worry. Does he really care that much if he can shag the child’s nanny in the family home?

If the nanny came from an agency, I would absolutely tell them, although that’s not a priority. She really shouldn’t be allowed to work in a position of trust ever again.

I know you are in shock, but toughen up for a little while to get through the practical stuff, it sounds like you have considerable assets to deal with.
Take care, and I am so sorry your husband did this to you. Unforgivable.

[Anab2010]

@Vodkacranberryplease

Hmm, I'd be inclined to string him along on the proviso he totally dumps her, split them up, get all of you to another country THEN bin him.

That's not stopping him from being a dad but it does stop her from being a step mum to your child.

Worst thing is my daughter LOVES her and constanlly asking for her toncome back. Its just hideous.you couldn't make this up even if you tried.

Someone mentioned STIs and pregnancy... all valid points. I have ordered him to get himself checked. Re pregnancy aparently they used pull out method... dear me when I heard that I was nearly sick🤮 I kind if want to know the details ( he really doesn't want me to know🙄) but not sure how helpfull it is when I am already suffering so much.
Oh yes and he tried to DENY it when I walked into them. He was drunk but still sober enough to f* her.

[Anab2010]

@Starksforthewin

If you can Anab put your feelings in a mental box for a little while, so you can get the practical life details sorted out.
You’ve had good advice here about getting and securing crucial documents, also, opening a new bank account, taking half of the joint account to fund it, and changing your passwords.

You can’t force your husband to leave the house, but you could ask him to give you some space while you process everything. If he is hoping to ‘win you back’ he might do that.

Don’t hide what has happened. This is not your secret to keep. Share with friends and family, you will need their support. Get your solicitor on board ASAP and take their advice.

His relationship with your child can be sorted later, via the solicitor. Don’t be too soft at this stage, let him worry. Does he really care that much if he can shag the child’s nanny in the family home?

If the nanny came from an agency, I would absolutely tell them, although that’s not a priority. She really shouldn’t be allowed to work in a position of trust ever again.

I know you are in shock, but toughen up for a little while to get through the practical stuff, it sounds like you have considerable assets to deal with.
Take care, and I am so sorry your husband did this to you. Unforgivable.

Thank you. Any advice on how to find a good solicitor?? I only ever used one for buying a house🙄

[PyongyangKipperbang]

If he starts even trying to defend himself and turn it on you (which he will, when the charm offensive fails), ask him if he would have preferred it if your daughter had walked in on them. That should soon shut him up.

What an absolute dyed-in-the-wool bastard. And I agree with all the PP's who said that he just doesnt want to be known as the walking cliche that fucked the nanny. The added issue of your miscarriage will have him known for life as "You know, his wife had a miscarriage and she caught him shagging the nanny in the kitchen".

I didnt tell people for a long time what my ex did to me, because I was embarrassed and it took me a while to realise that I was already hurtinng and anyone would feel for me, all I was doing was protect him. So if people ask, tell them. Let him feel the consequences.

THinking of you darling lady, stay strong

[OlivetheTree]

I am so sorry OP. I feel sick on your behalf

[Lysianthus]

If you go to the Law Society website, they have a search section for your local area. Unless you get a personal recommendation, this is a safe way to find a family lawyer. Good luck 💐

[Happynow001]

Here you go. Link to Find a Solicitor

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

[calmcoolandcollected]

You can’t just move to another country. You are domiciled in the country you live in currently (UK). If you move without your husband, he can force you to come back.

If you want to move, I suggest you make that a condition of trying to reconcile. Then once you have established domicile in your country, tell him it’s not working for you.

[Tartyflette]

Some solicitors advertise that they specialise in matrimonial matters.
You could also ask the the solicitor who did your conveyancing if they can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

[Flittingabout]

They have both done something wrong but the reason it feels like a bereavement is because the persp you knew your husband to be has died. He no longer exists and you will never feel the same about him again. Even if you stayed you will always now know, he can lie to your face, he can put aside his promises to you and your feelings in order to meet his own needs, that he has an incredible ability to pathologically compartmentalise to allow him to have an ongoing affair for months under your nose in your house.

I'm so sorry. There are no shortcuts I'm afraid but I really recommend counselling for a safe place to vent away from family and friends and process what you need to in order to be freed one day from the pain of this loss and betrayal.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Some MNers have needed to use some SHL (shit hot lawyers) so I would suggest starting another thread with a link to this, asking for recommendations. Perhaps ones who have knowledge of international divorce, if he does agree to you living abroad, would be a good idea as you have property here.

In the meantime, maybe do a bit of research into which country it would be best to divorce in, in terms of child support, split of assets (usually quite generous to the lower earning partner over here) and alimony (called spousal support but rarely gets awarded these days in the UK). If you think he might move back to the UK if you split officially over there, then get money for your child written into the divorce settlement as a clean break, as there are rarely ways of enforcing international child support agreements. So he pays it all upfront in the settlement and you dont get the run around over monthy payments.

Saw a friend have an international divorce and thats what her lawyer suggested, which worked well.

[eviesgranny]

You poor wee soul ... what a betrayal. He has no thought of you and how vulnerable you are after the miscarriages. Please let him go ... he is not worthy of you. I wish I could say something to ease your pain but I know there are no words to do that. Thinking of you & hoping you will find the strength to do what you know is right for you and your little one.