My husband cheated on me with our nanny

[Anab2010]

The biggest cliche ever. And it happened to me. Found out 2 days ago and I am absolutely devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat I can't think. In our house. For 2 months. I feel sick. We have a 4 year old and I have had a miscarriage last month. And one 6m ago. I was crumbling anyway.
She's moved out ( I've kicked her out), he wants us to try and make it...
But how??? How can I ever feel normal again let alone trust him. I have a feeling as if someone died. Our marriage wasn't ideal and we have been drifting apart... but there is no excuse🤮

I needed to let it out...😭😤

[Luisa77]

So so sorry. This is awful. I agree with others - there's no way back from this. Get the support that you need

[cabbageking]

I am so sorry.

Take some time to think through all options. There is no rush.

[KetoWinnie]

You SAW them?

OMG, you poor thing. HOw could you put that image out of your head

[Jackeroosmum]

I'm so so sorry OP. It hurts like a bitch doesn't it. You will go through stages of grief just like a death because your relationship as you know has died and the person you loved is not that person anymore.
My advice would be please please please don't take him back. My ex cheated - I found out and believed all the crap about fixing our marriage etc. We had 6 months of counselling, I accepted some of the blame and guess what.... He did it twice again 🙁. And if I'm being completely honest with myself, even when I didn't know about the multiple affairs, our relationship never was quite right. I was always waiting for him to cheat again and looking for signs that he did really love me. My self confidence was ruined thanks to him

[KetoWinnie]

@Nellydean21

Wanker. Dont be kind back. He might do a Chris De Burgh on it and write lady in Red to get you back.

Nobody wants that on their conscience.

Did chris de burgh write the song about the girl in blue jeans before he wrote lady in red? I know LIR was a much bigger hit but if it was the song her wrote after the one about the girl in blue jeans, yack, ack. [vom]

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Op tell your husband you need space and have him leave, see a solicitor/ copy documents and plan your next legal move!

[Blahblahblahzz]

Rinse the bastard for every penny.

[Nellydean21]

After Chris de Burgh fucked his nanny, as part of getting back with his wife he made a big public gesture of writing Lady in Red for his wife, to show how much he really loved her but was lead astray by the nanny,made millions from it and then proceeded to live with the nanny.

[KetoWinnie]

Excuse the tangent, but a quick google notifies me that he wrote lady in red first and then wrote 'blonde hair, blue jeans' in 1994. He later told his family he ''didn't know what he saw in her''. Geez, what a disgusting man. HIs wife was lying in bed with a broken neck.

[TheBluePineapple]

Oh my word. What utter betrayal, of you and your child. I’m so glad you’ve got your SIL and Mumsnet.

I’m not a legal expert but I’d suggest talking to one before you do anything like moving out.

[DasPepe]

You never really know someone until you’ve divorced them.

Please cover your back and don’t assume he will stay pleading. Fake considering reconciliation if you have to - but you have no idea how quickly someone can turn once they realize they are in fact about to lose everything. If he goes to a lawyer, then as soon as they hear you have a house abroad they will jump on this.
If you are planning to move back to your home country, focus on this. I live abroad and the stories I have heard of expats being stuck in this way are really really sad. And most often it is mums

[DisobedientHamster]

@KetoWinnie

Excuse the tangent, but a quick google notifies me that he wrote lady in red first and then wrote 'blonde hair, blue jeans' in 1994. He later told his family he ''didn't know what he saw in her''. Geez, what a disgusting man. HIs wife was lying in bed with a broken neck.

Oh, yeah, he's a real cunt. Others celebs who have fucked the nanny include Phil Collins, Robin Wiliams, Gavin Rossdale, Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and Arnold Schwarteznegger.

[SpillTheTeaa]

What utter scumbags.
If he had that strong feelings for her well he better run after her hadn't he.
You just suffered miscarriages and this is what he does to you? Do not take him back OP. The woman is also just as skanky as your husband.

[Lilymossflower]

Move him out and divorce him you beautiful being deserve more

[dooratheexplorer]

I am speechless for you. There's no way of getting over this. No second chances as he will just do it again. Hang around on the Relationships board long enough and you'll get it.

[Sooobooored]

That’s horrendous.

Did you have any suspicions before you walked in on them?

[MagnoliaJustice]

celebs who have fucked the nanny include Phil Collins, Robin Wiliams, Gavin Rossdale, Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and Arnold Schwarteznegger

Ew. Nasty. There's a definite power imbalance between the employer, Hollywood star or not, and the employee who is paid to do childcare. Sleazy gits, the lot of them.

[Anab2010]

I am really not planning to take her away from him. We'll just have to find a solution. He can come with us I obviously can't forbid him to be with his daughter. We're bith working from home anyway doesn't matter where we are in the world, we'll just have to live separately but close to each other so that he can spend time with our daughter. I can't take away that from her, I could never do that.

[Colouringaddict]

By all means get rid of him but please don’t use your child as a weapon to hurt him in return, your D.C. deserves better than to be used in that way.
Itching powder in his shorts?

[Anab2010]

@KetoWinnie

You SAW them?

OMG, you poor thing. HOw could you put that image out of your head

I don't think I will ever be able to unsee that😣

[Anab2010]

@Colouringaddict

By all means get rid of him but please don’t use your child as a weapon to hurt him in return, your D.C. deserves better than to be used in that way.
Itching powder in his shorts?

Ahaha good idea about the powder. No I could never use my daughter in order to hurt him, I am just not that kind of person.

[allfalldown47]

As I said in my previous post I was a nanny when I was young, in a very wealthy part of London. This shit happened all the time, so many of the Dads were total creeps. Money & authority, not always a great combination.

Allowing him to live with you is not doing the best for your daughter at all. And he will undoubtedly turn on the charm and beg for forgiveness no doubt.
He's a terrible father, decent Dads don't behave the way he has.
Put you and your daughter first and kick him out op.

[KetoWinnie]

@GoldenZigZag

FrauFarbissina that is extremely bad advice and could land OP in a lot of trouble both criminally and in civil terms. FFS why do people advise on complex legal situations they know nothing about?!

OP, getting his consent for a temporary trip then staying beyond the agreed time would be classed as a wrongful retention, and still falls within the Hague Convention.

When it comes to international family law it pays to do everything by the book.

Actually, it's not terrible advice. If the oP had written permission then he couldn't have her ordered to return their child to its habitual domicile.

I have been through this. My x tried to have me ordered to return the DC to their habitual domicile. He failed. I was lucky that the DC were young and when we arrived in my country I quickly got them linked in to services, GP, pre-school etc, plus, having the support of maternal grandparents was considered relevant. He probably shot himself in the foot though because he cut us off financially and I could show that.

[BentoBoxer]

What a truly, truly horrible thing to do. There is no coming back from this. Get a solicitor pronto.

[Dery]

@Anab2010 - this is all kinds of awful but you sound switched on and clearsighted - you will get through this. As to how you explain things to your 4 yo: someone else suggested on another thread in similar circs that you can say that your husband has a girlfriend and that's not allowed when you're married. I thought that was rather good.