My husband cheated on me with our nanny

[Anab2010]

The biggest cliche ever. And it happened to me. Found out 2 days ago and I am absolutely devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat I can't think. In our house. For 2 months. I feel sick. We have a 4 year old and I have had a miscarriage last month. And one 6m ago. I was crumbling anyway.
She's moved out ( I've kicked her out), he wants us to try and make it...
But how??? How can I ever feel normal again let alone trust him. I have a feeling as if someone died. Our marriage wasn't ideal and we have been drifting apart... but there is no excuse🤮

I needed to let it out...😭😤

[Cat112344]

Also, if he wants to see his child he can move but get a separate property. I couldn’t even have him in the same house as me again.

[Cat112344]

Sorry OP, he’s ruined your marriage and I think you should get rid. Sleeping with your nanny all while you’re suffering miscarriages is absolutely atrocious. He wants to make it work now but the damage is done and unfortunately even if you do forgive you will never forget.

[leafeater]

I hope you are ok and not on holiday.

[Ladj]

Hi, so sorry to hear you're going though this. I know EXACTLY how you feel as I recently found out my husband had an affair with a neighbour - yes another cliche!!

All the people saying leave him, I understand why but it's really not as easy as that is it? You have history, children, you can't believe Your husband would do that to you, etc etc.

I found out a week ago so like you I'm still in complete shock. Like you I can't eat, sleep and I am crying all the time. I also feel like dying and am devastated Is your husband showing real remorse? Does he really understand what hell he has put you through? Does he realise you'll probably never really be the same again?

I have decided to give my husband one chance. Although I don't know if I'll feel the same in a years time. The hardest thing for me personally to deal with is picturing them together. I have photos of them and texts of him saying love you sexy girlfriend etc and. It's killing me.

Sorry this post seems more about me, I can't really give you advice as I need it myself.

I'm sure it won't really help but please know there are women out there who know what pain you are going through right now and I hope you can eventually find peace whatever you decide to do.

[frazzledasarock]

My friends ex-wife successfully got permission to take their child and move back to her home country. Pretty much on the other side of the world.

She successfully proved continuing to live in this country away from all her friends and family and support was causing her a great deal of mental health problems.

She agreed to ensure dc would be available for set face time etc with her dad and he flies over and spends all summer with her and over winter break she comes over here.

It’s not impossible to get permission from the court to go home. Friends wife was main carer and their dc was a baby and courts did not think it in the child’s best interests to be split from the mother.

Get yourself a very very good lawyer and do it properly.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@GilbertMarkham That would strike me as being the smart move - but would they let her take the child abroad? What would facilitate that? I would be worried she would get one shot at it and if they say no then she's really stuck.

I would be worried that the H would get together with the nanny and start spouting crap about providing a stable family home for the DC.

Is the court likely to grant permission for such a move?

[jackdaw141]

The most important thing: if your aim is to live in your country with your child you need to play a very careful game. DO NOT tell him you want to split. The absolute best option would be to go on the holiday, play him like a violin, tell him you can make it work but now more than ever you HAVE to get back home for a while - a year, whatever, to get away from it all.

^This kind of post of which there are lots on this thread really amaze me. I see it on MN all the time. "Keep your cards close to your chest" and you "need to keep one step ahead". Meanwhile the husband, CF neighbour, parent at the school gates etc, has possibly already identified their being the subject matter of a MN thread and getting a good insight into the particular issue.

MN is not a vacuum.

[GoldenZigZag]

GilbertMarkham

I can only advise on what I would do (rather than what I think the OP should do).. Which is seek the consent of my ex partner (being open and transparant about whether or not it is intended to be a permanent move). If his consent was not forthcoming then I'd apply to court for permission to remove my child from the jurisdiction. If its all done properly and above board with leave of the court then the Hague Convention isn't engaged (well, not the child abduction bits anyway) and you can start your new life without constantly looking over your shoulder - and more importantly your child can have a proper goodbye with their loved ones.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Ok, so she loves him and then he when pushed says he 'has feelings' for her... but still wants to make it work with you. Right. So I wouldn't really pay much attention to what he says about his feelings - he is most likely trying to not look like a complete scumbag 'No, don't give a shit about her, but a fuck in the kitchen, well I wasn't going to turn that down...' Basically, he's not exactly leaving to be with her is he. But who cares. You are going to get rid.

The most important thing: if your aim is to live in your country with your child you need to play a very careful game. DO NOT tell him you want to split. The absolute best option would be to go on the holiday, play him like a violin, tell him you can make it work but now more than ever you HAVE to get back home for a while - a year, whatever, to get away from it all.

Go on the holiday, wait until he's having a lovely time in the sun and tell him your conditions are: we move out here for a year-18 months and I can have a fresh start away from where this all happened and we can work on it. Make it sound as if you'll come back with him if it can't work, but don't commit to ANYTHING like that in written form.

Get out there, get her in school, establish as many ties as you can and keep head down and grit your teeth until you have established residency . Make sure you don't get to even talking about divorce until it's been a year. Of course in the meantime if things are 'not looking great' and he comes back to the uk quite a bit, that woudl be fine...

Eventually you will be able to split and stay where you are with your family support and your DD established in her country of residence.

Any other way won't work - he can and probably will use legal means to force you to return home or not leave, when he realises you will divorce him.

[GilbertMarkham]

@GoldenZigZag

What do you think op is best to do?

I had a massage or something done in a beauty salon by a Spanish lady in this position. Her ex (not sure if he was also a cheater or not) had made sure she couldn't leave and go back to Spain with their son, she was stuck til the son was 16 or 18, I can't remember precisely.

She hated not being near her family, she hated our climate, our culture .. she had very limited employment prospects compared to what she would have had in her city/region in Spain (I'm in NI).

Likewise as other op's have mentioned, op could end up not even getting any child maintenance off this 'man" if he has their son 50-50 and may have to tolerate him playing happy families with the nanny, who she won't be able to prevent spending time with her son while with his dad.

(I actually don't think he'll leave for the nanny given the opportunity but ..).

Best thing seems to be to pretend you are open to reconciliation/continuing the marriage, keep him onside, get.him to your home country for long enough that he can't force a relocation of your son.

[GilbertMarkham]

Though nanny is probably delusional/taken in by his bullshit.

[GilbertMarkham]

You need him to come with you to this other house and THEN leave him. Wait 3-6 months before dumping him. Otherwise, he will be able to have the child brought home to the UK. It would be kidnapping if you left the country of residence with the child. Once you are there you can dump him and if stays or goes it's up to him but he can't take the child.

Yesterday 19:58FrauFarbissina

Or tell him you want to go abroad with the child to "get your head together" and get his permission in writing. Then just don't come back.

I don't think op can do the latter, she'd probably be forced to bring the child back through channels. I think she'd have to do the former.

But does anyone know if and how long op could be in her home country with child and "husband" before the child would be considered resident there, and not be made to return to UK when she kicks him out?

Also this may not even be possible (getting him to relocate) if any of the shit the nanny has come out with is true and he actually leaves op for her.

[Greenkit]

Hope today brings a clearer head.

[leafeater]

Has he left the family home yet?

I presume the holiday is off. I doubt you would want to go with him and I'm not sure you would want to leave the house yourself either.

[pinotgrigio]

Wow OP that is truly horrendous. You poor thing.

As somebody who was trapped overseas with an abusive ex due to DD being resident there, definitely take legal advice ASAP re your second home overseas. Definitely don't wing that one.

[dooratheexplorer]

Hope you are okay, op.....

[Igmum]

No advice but so sorry OP 💐

[Fluteytooting]

This happened to my mum over 20 years ago. I really feel for you, it’s a terrible thing to do. I have never managed to forgive my Dad really.

[Boomclaps]

I’m so sorry ❤️

[Dery]

Kingsley Napley is a very good firm. I think you would do very well with them.

[CheesecakeAddict]

As someone who has been in a similar legal situation to you, I would strongly advise you to sort the children's matters out first and then apply for divorce, because you will be able to recoup the costs in the divorce.
You will need an order permitting you to go abroad with DD. I needed one to move out of London (within England) and STBXH put an order in against me so I had to reside in London with DD. It took £15k, 6 months and 2 court dates to fight and that's only because we agreed on a solution at the end.

You sound like such a strong lady. He is an absolute sleeze and you deserve so much better!!

[AnotherBoredOne]

Ducks in a row. Sort moving abroad while he is feeling 'guiltily' so that you don't have Hague convention issues:
Put in a brace face while this is all happening and then get overseas and settled ASAP
Good luck, this has happened to me, not a nanny but a close friend. It's sickening and heart breaking and I have never forgiven him for putting me through that. Never. Have a backbone and leave if you are unhappy, don't ruin other people's lives.

[MooseBeTimeForSummer]

Search for a member of the Law Society Family Law Panel or a Resolution Accredited Specialist in Family Law.

[Teapot13]

It might seem like a good idea to move abroad together to avoid getting caught by Hague Convention. Keep in mind if you do that and divorce elsewhere, the division of marital assets will be another regime, so another thing to look into.

[Anab2010]

Incredible support, thank you all. In the times when I can't think straight all of your comments and advices are guiding me, I am so thankful!!
Its going to be another long long night...