My husband cheated on me with our nanny

[Anab2010]

The biggest cliche ever. And it happened to me. Found out 2 days ago and I am absolutely devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat I can't think. In our house. For 2 months. I feel sick. We have a 4 year old and I have had a miscarriage last month. And one 6m ago. I was crumbling anyway.
She's moved out ( I've kicked her out), he wants us to try and make it...
But how??? How can I ever feel normal again let alone trust him. I have a feeling as if someone died. Our marriage wasn't ideal and we have been drifting apart... but there is no excuse🤮

I needed to let it out...😭😤

[Nymeriastark1]

But yes after reading a previous comment the op could do with less stress atm. Probably best to leave the nanny alone. Give your husband hell tho. @FlameFartingDragon Shagging someone's husband in their own house while in a position of trust comes under wrong in my books.

[Nymeriastark1]

@FlameFartingDragon also she can't just kick him out if he owns half the house. He can refuse.

[xmummy2princesx]

I’m so sorry op he is an absolute scum bag.

[Socialdistancegintonic]

I’m sorry that is so awful for you. It’s doubly horrible when you have a young child/miscarriages. This is the time when we as women are at our most vulnerable - physically and mentally - so to be cheated on now under your own roof is absolutely awful.

One thing I would really really urge you to do - is don’t skip to forgiveness or minimising. Even if you take him back eventually. He will NEVER get it unless he FEELS it. And at the moment, he doesn’t really. He’s been found out. He will minimize this in his own head, it’s only sex etc, it isn’t that bad. He won’t tell you, but he’s used to lying to you and everyone, so he is used to saying what you want to hear.

He needs to be kicked out. He needs to physically feel this. He needs to be insecure somewhere worried that he’s not being a great Dad. Not to make him suffer but to give him some real sensation of what it is he’s done and what he will need to do if either he gets back with you or you ultimately separate.

My Ex cheated on me while I was pregnant and it was and is devastating. Yet he still doesn’t get it even though I kicked him out, he spent months begging for me back, he did everything possible to make it work. He genuinely tried yet he hadn’t really got how awful it was in the first place. And one year later did it again.

[wildthingsinthenight]

So so sorry OP
You have already been through so much.
You can't trust him.
LTB please
Sending a huge hug xxxxx

[Quietheart]

Is an au pair classed as an employee? I would be kicking them both out.

[CucumberTree]

OP, that’s horrid. In every way, he got off on doing it in your house. I would not be able to come back from that, I think moving back to your home country sounds good. Tell any family and friends you need to, the shame is absolutely all his and you don’t need to hide it for him.

[HforHotel]

Oh goodness, that’s truly awful and unforgivable behaviour!!

OP - you do need to give some thought to formally ending the employment arrangement. How long has she been employed? Often an employment tribunal will find that a dismissal is unfair due to process (not necessarily the decision itself). Hopefully she’s got under 2 years service. If she’s through an agency, I’m sure they’d help you with advice.

Stay strong 💐

[ellsom]

I couldn't forgive because I couldn't forget and things would never be the same again, I'm so sorry op I hope you find better in the future.

[nopoo]

I don't agree that your anger should just be with him. She was in your house, living as a member of your family (that's the difference with an au pair) and was in a trusted position. She wasn't his secretary, she was with your whole family!!!!


I would kick him out, esp as they have feelings for each other.

Let's see how long that lasts, when they lose the illicit thrill.

And tell EVERYONE.

Pair of twats.

for you.

[Cherrysoup]

You can’t remove your child from the country of his/her usual residence without consent of the other parent. If you do go, you can be forced to return, I’m pretty sure. Get legal advice, please don’t just take your child. Yes, your husband has done something horrible, but the courts will not take into account his dreadful behaviour when considering what is best for your child.

[Feelinggoodtuesday]

@Anab2010

I have genuine empathy for your situation. It’s a remarkable way to betray someone he supposedly loves. Hope you find strength to make the best decision for you and DC. Sorry for your losses too x

[Nellydean21]

Wanker. Dont be kind back. He might do a Chris De Burgh on it and write lady in Red to get you back.

Nobody wants that on their conscience.

[Abitouting]

Oh god how truly awful OP I'm so sorry. What a pair of disgraceful human beings.

[billy1966]

@Nellydean21

🤣🤣

[Baileys123]

[leafeater]

I would also be wary of going to your newly bought joint house by the coast. He owns half of that as well, so restricting access could be difficult.

Ideally he should leave the family home, to give you space and time, while you talk to a divorce lawyer and work out your next move.

I would stay put, ideally without him in the house, until you can sort a solution so that if you do move home, it is to a house in your name only.

Do you need childcare immediately in order to continue working in the next few weeks?

[Ori37]

Dirty fucker. Guess he’s shown you who he really is. Take him at his word. It’s over. Get yourself a damn good solicitor & let him have it with both barrels. He’s a cheating piece of shit.

[GabsAlot]

what a disgusting pair-i would shame her and him publically scum

[FrauFarbissina]

You need him to come with you to this other house and THEN leave him. Wait 3-6 months before dumping him. Otherwise, he will be able to have the child brought home to the UK. It would be kidnapping if you left the country of residence with the child. Once you are there you can dump him and if stays or goes it's up to him but he can't take the child.

[FrauFarbissina]

Or tell him you want to go abroad with the child to "get your head together" and get his permission in writing. Then just don't come back.

[ferntwist]

Your poor thing OP. Unforgivable of him (and her) and no way should you let him stay in the marriage. There’s no going back from this. You’ll get through it, every day you’ll feel a little bit stronger. You have your little one to pour your love into and what a wonderful opportunity to move to your house overseas. Clean break and fresh start!

[Phrowzunn]

I’m so sorry OP - absolutely horrified for you. You need to get angry though and stay there, so you don’t get talked round. What if he has gotten this woman pregnant while you are struggling to conceive? What if he picked up an STI from her which he has given to you and that could have harmed your baby? Be angry. What he has done is absolutely unforgivable on so many levels and I’m sorry but he obviously doesn’t love you. Your 4 year old will of course be sad and confused at the moment but think of how much respect they will have for you when they are older and know the gist of what happened. You will be badass mum who has far too much self respect to let some twat of a man make a fool out of her and kicked him to the kerb as soon as she found out. What a role model!

[GoldenZigZag]

FrauFarbissina that is extremely bad advice and could land OP in a lot of trouble both criminally and in civil terms. FFS why do people advise on complex legal situations they know nothing about?!

OP, getting his consent for a temporary trip then staying beyond the agreed time would be classed as a wrongful retention, and still falls within the Hague Convention.

When it comes to international family law it pays to do everything by the book.

[StressedMom4]

Oh @Anab2010 I'm so sorry! This is so awful, I can't even imagine what you're feeling.

Usually affairs and second chances are something only the betrayed can decide what the next steps are and outside opinions (especially strangers) shouldn't be wanted, but to cheat on you whilst you were having a miscarriage is despicable.

Do you have friends or relatives to help support you?