My husband cheated on me with our nanny

[Anab2010]

The biggest cliche ever. And it happened to me. Found out 2 days ago and I am absolutely devastated. I can't sleep, I can't eat I can't think. In our house. For 2 months. I feel sick. We have a 4 year old and I have had a miscarriage last month. And one 6m ago. I was crumbling anyway.
She's moved out ( I've kicked her out), he wants us to try and make it...
But how??? How can I ever feel normal again let alone trust him. I have a feeling as if someone died. Our marriage wasn't ideal and we have been drifting apart... but there is no excuse🤮

I needed to let it out...😭😤

[Justaboy]

Re pregnancy aparently they used pull out method...

Bloody hell does this get any worse?, thats dispicable totally utterly dispicable!

As others have said get a very good solicitor to adivise on the next steps then let him fuck off with the so call nanny whore:(

[calmcoolandcollected]

If you move without your husband, he can force you to come back.

I should be clearer - he can't force you to come back, but he could force your child back, which is effectively the same thing. You need to establish domicile together in the country in which you wish to live, or he needs to agree to that. I think the best way to get what you want is demand to move on the pretense of reconciliation, establish domicile, then throw him out.

[Ilovesandwiches]

So sorry Op, you’re worth a million of them xx

[DisobedientHamster]

I wouldn't leave the family home, personally.

[GoldenZigZag]

KetoWinnie trust me, it is very bad advice, I guarantee I've been involved with more Hague abduction cases than probably everybody on this thread and have seen women end up in prison depending on the circumstances.

It sounds like the particulars of your case lead to a determination that your children had already lost their habitual residence in the UK (not domicile, that's something different) but determination of habitual residence is quite an esoteric, complex assessment and it is incredibly risky to think you can second guess that kind of outcome. I'm really pleased it worked out for you, but its really not a good idea to advise strangers to do the same.

[MamaFirst]

Agh. What a nasty bastard. One mistake would be one thing to consider overcoming, but months of lies and deception... It's absolutely sickening. I don't think you could ever move on from this, it would never be the same again. I'm so sorry

[pallisers]

[quote OneFootintheRave]@FlameFa You kicked her out of the house, but not him?

She was having a consensual adult relationship; it's your husband who has done something wrong" [/quote]
The OP could terminate the nanny's employment and ask her to leave. She couldn't do that to her husband who is as entitled to be in the house as the OP is.

What do you think would be better- she throws her husband out illegally and then sits and has a cup of cocoa with the nanny who, after all, was only having a consensual adult relationship .... with her employer's husband!

I might wait a while but I would definitely tell the agency. Who among us would want to hire that woman as an au pair/live in nanny? Would you not want to know what happened previously?

This is brutal OP. So sorry. I wouldn't think too much about the "we have feelings for each other" crap. that's what people say to make a quick shag for the hell of it sound better. Not that it does.

[pallisers]

OP, with regard to a solicitor, call the solicitor that did your conveyancing and ask for a recommendaton to a very good family law solicitor. Ask him/her who he/she would use if they needed one.

[empiricallyyours]

This solicitors has lots of advice about moving children abroad


www.kingsleynapley.co.uk/services/department/family-and-divorce/thinking-of-relocating/taking-children-abroad/moving-abroad-with-children-frequently-asked-questions#Question%201

[Vodkacranberryplease]

OP I do think you need to ensure they split up and all go abroad together before taking him apart.

Otherwise you could be stuck somewhere you don't want to be watching him and her playing happy families with your daughter getting no child support because he's got 50% custody.

This can get worse. They have convinced themselves they are in love. She had no compunction going after your husband and she will convince herself that not only are you a bad wife you are a bad mother too.

Nannies sometimes do, making little judgements in their heads about why can't you look after your own children, you only care about your career etc. Especially the ones sleeping with husbands. And she may well want a child if her own if she's using the 'pull out' method aka please make me pregnant. So then they are a happy unit that your DD wants to be in with a little brother or sister, daddy and lovely nanny.

They are both utterly shameless amoral cunts. Tell your husband you are angry but if he wants any chance with you he has to cut ties completely. And that you want a fresh start away from it all.

Then when you're all in the new house kick him to the kerb. Fucking prick.

[doubledutyHP]

I was an au-pair 16 years ago and was very common among the girls to have an affair with family father. Also I was seduced by one of them but always keep clear boundaries so sometimes is not an au-pair fault daddies are equally guilty.
I saw all sides of the story naive au-pair rich daddy heart broken mums.
I was kept hiden by my host mum and her girlfriends. At the end she stopped organising parties and made sure I'm not at home when friends where around. Soon after I left her I find out that actually a couple of dads was interested in me.

[TheBluePineapple]

[quote empiricallyyours]This solicitors has lots of advice about moving children abroad

www.kingsleynapley.co.uk/services/department/family-and-divorce/thinking-of-relocating/taking-children-abroad/moving-abroad-with-children-frequently-asked-questions#Question%201[/quote]
I was going to suggest Kingsley Napley.

[BestOption]

(((HUG)))

I'm SO sorry you're going through this 🌷

My (now) Ex had an affair and I was devastated, but as awful as it was, it really doesn't compare to your situation.

How either of them could do that to you when you've just had a MC. Bastards. I just do not know how either of them could hurt you so badly, especially when you've just been through 2 MC's. Beyond belief. Right pair of shits.

& to do it so brazenly in the kitchen too - idiots.

Like you, I wanted the details...and whilst I can't unknow them, not knowing would have been worse for me.

Whilst your determination to let your DD have a good relationship with her Dad is admirable. Don't lose sight of the fact that it's HIM that's causing all of the disruption in her little life and you need to be careful not to end up positioning yourself as the bad guy here or bigging him up to her.

It's so much harder when DD 'loves' her, but DD will move on from that, you do not need to facilitate any contact between them & DH needs telling that if he does, it will be the end of any chance of reconciliation (he doesn't need to know yet that he's got NO bloody chance of that happening!).

You need GOOD advice re moving 'home' - the best way to do it.

Sending you love & strength
🌷

[THEDEACON]

Get him to move out you shouldn't have to put up with breathing the same air as the sleazy bastard Tell all your family and his what has happened it's him should be ashamed not you and you need support not secrets Get VERY good legal advice and make sure every i is dotted and t crossed DONT under any circumstances feel sorry for him or indeed her they CHOSE to do this to you ! Get yourself tested for STIs and don't rely on SIL for counselling she can't be as detached as she needs to be to be of most help to you Get counselling though Be kind to yourself GOOD LUCK

[Anab2010]

Incredible support, thank you all. In the times when I can't think straight all of your comments and advices are guiding me, I am so thankful!!
Its going to be another long long night...

[Teapot13]

It might seem like a good idea to move abroad together to avoid getting caught by Hague Convention. Keep in mind if you do that and divorce elsewhere, the division of marital assets will be another regime, so another thing to look into.

[MooseBeTimeForSummer]

Search for a member of the Law Society Family Law Panel or a Resolution Accredited Specialist in Family Law.

[AnotherBoredOne]

Ducks in a row. Sort moving abroad while he is feeling 'guiltily' so that you don't have Hague convention issues:
Put in a brace face while this is all happening and then get overseas and settled ASAP
Good luck, this has happened to me, not a nanny but a close friend. It's sickening and heart breaking and I have never forgiven him for putting me through that. Never. Have a backbone and leave if you are unhappy, don't ruin other people's lives.

[CheesecakeAddict]

As someone who has been in a similar legal situation to you, I would strongly advise you to sort the children's matters out first and then apply for divorce, because you will be able to recoup the costs in the divorce.
You will need an order permitting you to go abroad with DD. I needed one to move out of London (within England) and STBXH put an order in against me so I had to reside in London with DD. It took £15k, 6 months and 2 court dates to fight and that's only because we agreed on a solution at the end.

You sound like such a strong lady. He is an absolute sleeze and you deserve so much better!!

[Dery]

Kingsley Napley is a very good firm. I think you would do very well with them.

[Boomclaps]

I’m so sorry ❤️

[Fluteytooting]

This happened to my mum over 20 years ago. I really feel for you, it’s a terrible thing to do. I have never managed to forgive my Dad really.

[Igmum]

No advice but so sorry OP 💐

[dooratheexplorer]

Hope you are okay, op.....

[pinotgrigio]

Wow OP that is truly horrendous. You poor thing.

As somebody who was trapped overseas with an abusive ex due to DD being resident there, definitely take legal advice ASAP re your second home overseas. Definitely don't wing that one.