Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

Have you spoken to him honestly about this? It would bother me too but unless youve told him he might not know. Now, if you tell him and he STILL does it, thats a blatant disregard for your boundaries and is more concerning.

we really should trade DP then:) I'd love to have mine like that

Sounds possessive to me. But then I am not overly tactile.

I'm not at all tactile and would hate all of the things you describe, particularly in bed when I'm trying to sleep! Luckily DH is similar to me though. Have you tried having an honest chat with him? Can you find a compromise? Honestly if not and it isn't something you can ignore/get used to, you might just be incompatible...

doesnt sound possessive to me at all. He is more tactile and your not. If it is not for you then move on and he can meet someone who appreciates him. I cant abide folks touching me so your DP wouldnt be for me as I would find it full on

What happens when you ask him to stop and tell him how this makes you feel?

Mine does this sometimes, mainly when I'm trying to sleep. I just say can you please stop that it's really annoying. I don't really like being touched too much and I'm not really a cuddler. I also just find it restrictive and a bit uncomfortable.
But your DP won't stop of he doesn't know it's annoying you.

Oh my god! I could have written this myself.
I find 5 minutes of peace and look forward to drinking my tea and he has to sit with me. Do things exactly what you said! I tell him to give me a break. We are married. Its going to be 4 years. It wasnt like this at the begining but way more in last few months. Most time I cant even get a good night sleep because he wants to have his arms around me and I just cant seem to take it.

Also he snores loudly and breathes quiet loud! I'm a very light sleeper. I find myself dozzing off on the sofa. He comes home late from work and baby cot is near the sofa.

I get stressed with work too so lately anything he does annoys me.

So just tell him when you need personal space. He might not even realise?

It sounded not too worrying until you said he's over your shoulder when sending a message or online. My (abusive) ex would do this and use affection as a way to see what I was doing on my phone. Of course it led to me never using it as he'd start saying things like 'can't believe you're texting your Mum/friend again.' so I'd watch out for if he starts with that

You don't sound well suited. I love my partner being like that. If he was like you, I'd feel like I wasn't in a relationship, but that's just how I am. I'd be looking for someone more compatible if I were you.

I truly told mine from the get go to not even dream about sleeping cuddled or touching 😁. I would say I am medium touchy feely, but when I'm not up for it, I just say so.

My partner has the perfect balance of this for me but if I'm ever feeling bit particularly touchy or I feel hot in bed and want some space I just tell him and he completely understands. I'd be more concerned about not being able to communicate how you feel to him.

Both my SO and I are very tactile we are always reaching for each other.

I spent 29 yrs with my eh and he woudn't touch me at all, unless he wanted sex.

So I love it

I can relate to to this as I really like my personal space and prefer some control over things like being touched.
Some practical things which may help;

1. get an arm chair next to the sofa, you can sit there for some peace and go to the sofa when you’re comfortable for handholding etc.

2. rather than him fidget in bed, find a comfortable position for you to hold him. He gets the reassurance of comfort and that you love him but you are able to have some control.

I found for me it was more about invasion of my space out with my control rather than not liking the attention but the above things are easy compromises as my DP is tactile and that’s how he shows affection.

It’s really difficult to know exactly how to tell somebody this, though, without sounding rude and abrupt.

Today for instance I had an arm around me and my hair tugged / played with, I had a hand on my thigh stroking, stroking, rubbing, massaging CONSTANTLY, I had him suddenly and without any warning flinging his arms around me and burying his head into my breasts/ stomach, taking my hand and stroking it.

I did not respond once in kind, I tried to edge away, but no. Surely he would notice?

It sounds so harmless “cuddling in front of the TV” and in my single days I’d think how lovely. As it is, I have a bad back and get trapped in one position, can’t even shift position from one buttock to another!

It’s exacerbated because he is such a POOR talker! He wants to go out for endless walks which to be honest I’ve started to dread a bit because he wants to hold hands but then gives me nothing whatsoever in terms of conversation. And honestly, with most people this isn’t a problem so I don’t think that it’s me.

Then when we get in he starts to grab and massage and so on and starts “making conversation”, but he will latch on to something I said - like today I mentioned something about a certain vegetable, he then (some four hours later, while playing with my hair) murmurs “so what do you do with the veg?” Not even in a sort of pervy way, just he’s trying to make conversation and “relax” me I guess. But it’s such hard, hard work.

I am really very tactile and I know I need to be with someone who is the same and doesn’t feel the way you do. I do think you should talk to him though, I would appreciate someone talking to me if they felt this way I would hate it. I would hope though that I had picked up on the non verbal cues before then though....

It sounds like you're not that compatible.

It doesn't sound like a relationship that's mate in heaven, or indeed going to last, to me. I'm sorry but it really isn't working for you is it, on several levels

And people saying ‘well I love it’ - that’s lovely but I really don’t.

When I said about the message I don’t mean he’s deliberately looking. I explained that to try to illustrate just how close he is to me all of the time.

As I said in my Op, I do accept that it’s partly me. And I have gone along with it in the past. But today I felt so bloody irritated with the monosyllabic conversation and the endless pawing at me that I just didn’t respond. I was nearly in tears by the time I got rid of him. It really makes me feel that bad.

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before.

Most men aren't like this all the time OP- it's not you responding abnormally. I know a PP said they would like it, but I think there's a balance. You should be able to breathe and relax on your phone or whatever without someone constantly fussing you, or disturbing you in your sleep.

As another said- have you tried telling him you want a bit more physical space when you're relaxing sometimes, and you don't want to be fussed when you're trying to sleep as it disturbs your sleep/makes it harder for you to drop off?

rather than him fidget in bed, find a comfortable position for you to hold him. He gets the reassurance of comfort and that you love him but you are able to have some control.

@Rose - PP needs her rest and space and her needs are equally important to her OH's. My ex and I would lie in opposite directions but with our backs/bums touching a little. A lot of people would find it hard to sleep in the way you describe, and sleep is important. He's not a baby at the end of the day, he shouldn't need constant reassurance, fuss etc. If he does then he needs a therapist.

And I do appreciate people saying well I’m tactile but I don’t remember my dad ever grabbing at my mum constantly in this way, or any of my friends relationships being like this.

It really doesn’t seem quite right to me, to not even be able to be sat on a different sofa to somebody while you watch something?

I wish my boyfriend was tactile like yours . It seems a waste that you don’t appreciate it !!

It is really uncomfortable for me actually.

I’m really surprised so many people would be okay with being felt up when just watching something on a Sunday afternoon! But this does worry me because it most probably is me. And there’s being tactile and there’s invading space and I do think there’s a fine line between the two. I can understand why dogs growl and bite now!

I wouldn't be comfortable with that amount of touching either OP. I did think I was quite tactile but reading other replies I think I'm far from.