Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

Sorry OP but your mum and dad have probably been together for decades, you can't click your fingers and make that companionship happen with a bloke you hardly know. You are already bored by his conversation and irritated by his habits after a few weeks! Anddd now you're having a baby. Time to wise up, plan how you are going to co parent for the next 18 years with this boring bloke - fine, but don't force yourself into an unhappy relationship with him if you don't like him!

I do absolutely need sensible advice and I appreciate ALL the answers.

I do accept some fault here. I should be able to raise this. But I don’t want to cause hurt or upset or to sound like a precious little princess “don’t touch me!”

But what about your child? It may be what you want (not actively co-parenting, spending half the week with him and then half with you, and so on), but is it really best for him or her?

Well they were yes southern but this is what I mean, surely you do grow into one another and be able to have this sort of relationship?

I’m not following you velour, I’m sorry, would you mind clarifying?

You need to ask him how he is feeling and if he is aware that he is overly tactile. I think his answer will give you more information as to what to do. If he has no clue and cries over it, or if he is angry or if he is mortified then you will have a clearer picture. You need to be firm but you can be kind. You don’t need to wait until you are yelling at him. And you can also tell him that if nothing improves then you may have to consider that moving out is an option.

In terms of the conversation OP, I am the same as you. I absolutely need stimulating conversation. It is a must.
My ex, was not only an angry arsehole, but that aside, even when we were getting on, the most boring conversationalist ever.
His idea of a nice night was cuddling up together and watching a film.
This got old very quickly and I became incredibly lonely. I would sit in the same room as him and wish I were single so I could at least call my friends for a chat about politics, family, literally anything.
It was utterly soul destroying. My confidence in my own conversation skills eroded, as I thought perhaps I must be really boring, but as with you, I struggled with literally nobody else. I'm the type to strike up a conversation with pretty much anyone.
Do not have a baby with this man, I will be blunt, you will regret every waking moment of it. You will stay to ensure your baby has two parents, you will grow resentful and sad and ultimately, you will become a zombie, a shell of your former self.

I wouldn’t yell. It’s something I’m going to raise over text, which I know some will advise against but I can think about what I want to say and try to be gentle.

I really don’t want to make you feel bad or anything, but what is this going to teach your child about relationships, is what I mean. Like there won’t be zero repercussions for your child if you just keep your head down and have sex even if you don’t enjoy it to keep the peace (which is honestly concerning to hear).

I'd be careful if I were you that you don't make any rash decisions. I couldn't stand my DH when I was pregnant he really got on my nerves. Couldn't stand the smell of him, couldn't stand him even putting his hand on my thigh. I was very very irritated by him. Could it be pregnancy hormones?

I know what you’re saying Tiny but I’m also content not to talk, I can read, browse —here— the Net, watch stuff ...

But what is hard is INANE conversation like how’s the fish or how do you cook your aubergines. Just be quiet then!

Does he know you are pregnant yet OP?

Ok, crack on then. But work on your own communication skills OP, if you can't even ask him to take his hands off you now, you are going to lose your mind when you've had a small child hanging off you since 5am, you sit down at 9pm and octopus man starts groping you!!

It's how some people (including me) are. Luckily we are well matched in that department, dp is currently stroking my feet

How long have you even been together? It doesn't sound like you know each other well at all. Do you feel this is your last chance to have a child due to age and you couldn't afford one on your own so he seemed a likely enough dad even though you know he's like a bad case of poison ivy? Be honest with yourself because what you want you probably will not get because you don't sound compatible as a couple and you're not able to communicate, you've gone along with this behaviour of his why exactly? Why can't you go back to your place to have some time to think? That doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship . Why can't you two communicate like adults?

And personally I completely ignore anyone who uses the term 'hysterical'. Misogynistic, offensive word.

You need to be mature with yourself here and give yourself some space to think about all this and even how you'd like to talk to him because Mr Prickly Heat can't read your mind.

Well again velour I do know exactly what you mean, but to explain a bit further and hopefully not be too graphic - my sexual desire has always been intrinsically linked to my menstrual cycle. For a few days surrounding ovulation I feel flirty then it goes!

My periods have been all over the place over the last 18 months and I thought it was peri menopause. So sex hasn’t really been on my mind. However I do also quite see that if you’re in a relationship with someone they will want sex so I’m okay with that - I don’t MIND it - I just don’t always actually desire it myself.

In pregnancy I have found I am awfully ‘dry’ (I am sorry) and so I haven’t wanted sex because I feel it would be painful and I won’t put myself through that but if I don’t really mind either way I will - I hope that makes some sense!

I do “go back to my place to think” - where did I say I didn’t? How else do you think I’m posting this without being mauled?

I'm with other posters who say this is excessive and smotnering. It's admirable you want to try and to raise your baby as parents together, however if you think the touching is hard to take now I can guarantee it will tip you over the edge of he is still doing it once you have a baby. It's a very physically demanding time with a baby, you will be sleep deprived, possibly breast feeding and it can be physically unrelenting. Add a partner pawing at you into the mix and you will not be able to just grin and bear it to save his feelings.

How far along are you? Could it be hormone related or have you felt like this before the pregnancy? I only ask because 3 weeks out of the month I am fine with my partner being touchy feely but the week before I’m due on it makes my skin crawl & it seems the more I push him away the closer he tries to get if that makes sense? You just need to be clear with him weather he can communicate or not he doesn’t even need to respond you just need to tell him straight, I didn’t want to upset or hurt my partner but it got to the point where he was insecure & thought I was going to end it I just ended up saying look I’m due on & I don’t want to be touched I want my own space & he listened.

You have some serious problems if you're having a child with someone you can't even speak to in person about serious issues .

How long have you been together?

Repeatedly telling me I have serious problems and pulling faces at me isn’t helpful. I really am sorry if that sounds rude, I don’t mean it to, but as I have said it is one thing to know something but another to know quite what to say / do in the moment.

Everything you describe just sounds horrendous. It makes my skin crawl. It doesn't even sound like you even like him, he appears to irritate you immensely yet you are determined to stay with him. Sounds like a recipe for unhappiness for you, him and the child. Have you anyone you can talk this through with, or have you considered counselling? What you are considering sounds like madness, really.

OP, I'm glad you're going to talk to him.

I do think this sounds like the tip of the iceberg in terms of compatibility issues, but I want to limit my advice to the original question.

That said, I think you absolutely need to talk to him rather than text him. I entirely understand the urge to duck the difficult questions by texting. But this is a relatively low-stakes hurdle in your relationship--it's not health crises, financial crises, family crises, sharp parenting disagreements, etc. You need to learn how to talk about difficult things, or you'll be in real difficulty if you go through with this pregnancy and this relationship.

It's hard! I know it's hard. But learning how to talk about these hard things is necessary in any relationship.

I would take the advice you have been given and go try talk to him now, this thread will only deteriorate. I am not sure text is the best way because written word doesn’t have a very good tone and it’s going to be a shock. Can’t you phone him? What are you worried about when talking to him?

I apologise if calling you hysterical came across as Misogynistic - I was trying to help you see things calmly and rationally. I think there is a lot of drama now being pumped up and it probably isn’t going to help you get a clear head

I feel like you are in a pickle with everything and have panicked about whether this is going to work. None of us can tell you truly if it will or won’t. All you can do is try to do what’s right for you