Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

I would also tradefor this. I have the complete opposite.

@Greystorminthesky

You see I honestly don’t think he’s awful or abusive - I was very ambiguous in what I said and it probably came across as I don’t want sex but it’s okay to keep touching me.

I think I will draft a message to send to him, not today as I’m upset and confused and feeling sick! But this week certainly.

I do think he is not the most exciting person ... but there’s preventing a child having a family for good reasons like abuse and then there’s desperately wanting it to work and I want it to work, I really do.

You see things like see a counsellor are so well meaning but don’t take into account the vulnerability of my situation. I don’t have a job. I am pregnant. I have no spare money!

I know a lot of people who grew up with incompatible parents. It was miserable. Plenty of people co-parent quite happily without being in a relationship of any other sort.

But I am also pregnant, and we have been in lockdown and a hundred other ‘ands.’

I think I’d like to TRY to make it work.

Then tell your partner you’d like to have your thigh gripped, grabbed, rubbed, stroked and squeezed when you’re watching Corrie boon

And people saying ‘well I love it’ - that’s lovely but I really don’t

Yeah I dont know why on earth people say stuff like this. You clearly DONT love it otherwise you wouldnt have posted about it. There was a thread a little while ago where the OP was upset her boyfriend didnt want to live with her and people trotted out helena bonham carter and tim burton and said well THEY didnt live together and it was fine!
Who bloody cares what other people do?!!! If YOU dont like it or want it then there really is no further argument is there?

You really really need to talk to him about this but to be honest, you two just sound deeply incompatible. You say you cannot talk to him, thats a really fundamental part fi a relationship and I would really question if he is the guy for you long term. Doesn't mean he isnt a good guy and maybe he'd be better off with someone who wants him all over them 24/7. I know I certainly wouldnt like that and its ok for you not to either.
I'd have a really good think about this relationship and whether I wanted to continue.

Like I say hamster, I would like to try

If I try and it really doesn’t work and I’m so unhappy then well, we’ll see.

If I don’t try then that isn’t right.

@boon

I would also tradefor this. I have the complete opposite.

Then find someone who likes to constantly fondle and grope . If someone doesn't like it, it makes FA difference that you do.

I had absolutely no idea that relationships were this bloody hard work

THEY AREN'T.

You have to get rid.

You aren't going to be able to bear this for much longer surely?

It isn't about him being more tactile than you. It's about him being an absolute numbskull by the sound of it. He can't communicate AT ALL - never mind 'through touch' - he isn't communicating when he touches you CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY RUB RUB POKE POKE because if he was even vaugely sentient he would be picking up on you not enjoying about 96% of it. And he isn't. He's an unable to pick up on your physical cues as much as he's unable to hold a conversation in words. He is not bright or sharp or funny or clever. And ok he may not pressure for sex but basically when you feel the absolute ICK with a person the way you clearly do about him, every instance of intimacy or the possibility of it is kind of a pressure as why the hell would you want ot sleep with someone who you can't really stand?

You MUST finish it. As for the pregnancy :( - I would absolutely finish it and terminate, I am so sorry. But you don't have to option of staying together and raising a baby. Give it another four months and you will be stark raving mad. You won't be able to bear him for long enough for the baby to get to a year and that will be so much worse.

It isn't you. He sounds absolutely awful - basically an unintelligent pawing bloke with the personality of a bowl of rice pudding.

People saying they'd like someone tactile are totally missing the point though.

It's lovely to cuddle and be tactile.

To be with the kind of bloke who basically stares into space and answers you with grunts and one word while he basically twiddles and fiddles at you as if you're a Fisher Price Activity Station is not 'tactile' or 'cuddly'. It's grim. he is grim.

Were you exactly like this before you were pregnant? If yes, I'm surprised where your relationship has reached a point of being pregnant with his child, unless it was an unplanned pregnancy. If not, then apparently some women's hormones can have a range of effects on them, including not wanting ti be touched by their partner or even feeling repulsed by them.

If you've been like this from the beginning, you are really not compatible and I don't have much faith in your future. You are going to feel groped constantly and he's going to end up feeling rejected and losing the physical intimacy that he needs.

I can't breath having just read that.
God I honestly don't know how you can STAND IT!!
He would have to back right off if he was with me.
It's way way over the top.
He's very very insecure and for me personally I would find it extremely suffocating and a complete turn off.

It does feel a bit like that fizzy

wonder it is partly pregnancy. He has stubble on his face and it’s very irritating on my own face when he wants to kiss. I find his smell lingers on me too, and that’s not me saying he smells bad, in fact he smells quite nice but it’s a man/aftershave kind of smell that’s wrong on me!

I suppose what I want really is the easy companionship my own mum and dad seemed to have. My dad would sit in the armchair and my mum sat on the sofa. I just don’t ever remember them being all over one another or even being particularly tactile - I don’t remember them holding hands or kissing for instance - yet they really loved one another but gave one another space to read, work, watch something, just be.

I mean, it is like the direct opposite of communication and closeness.

Someone grabbing at you, missing all your cues as to what you like and don't like, just kind of blundering on, unable to communicate intelligently with you either by physical sensitivity or actual conversation. Like a teenage fumble in a cinema.

How did you get this far in with him OP?!

Do you think he is using the touching as his only way to communicate..?Could you tell him words mean more to you than touching?

Would it be easier to have a stand up cuddle and say kind words to each other now and then, finish by saying that was just lovely, then settle into your own spot. Same routine laying in bed finish with that was lovely, good night.

Do you think he sees your non touchy way as rejection?
Could you admit it could appear or seem like that, but for you words mean loads more?

I think I'm quite tactile, but your dp sounds completely ott and a bit weird. I would hate this

I dint think he sees it as rejection as I have always just gone along with it. The only time I didn’t was at 3 in the morning when I was absolutely desperate for some sleep and shouted to get off me.

All I could think about reading this was that cartoon with pepe le pew all over the cat that keeps trying to get away from him.

At best - you two are not suited.

At worst he is needy & suffocating in a relationship.

OP do you mind me asking how long you have been together?
"Surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder?"
This is important and I think it's worrying. Is he controlling where you go, who you speak to? If you said you were just popping to the shops would he insist on coming too? What happens if you speak to friends on the phone, does he try to discourage you or cut your call short?
Does he know you are pregnant? What does he think about it?

yet they really loved one another but gave one another space to read, work, watch something, just be.

They were able to communicate.

Honestly? He just sounds not very bright. At all. And you sound much more switched on. You need someone - well I was going to say cleverer, but someone even of average intelligence and communication skills would be a start.

You can't build a relationship on that. it won't last, it just means a miserable gradual breaking down.

To be with the kind of bloke who basically stares into space and answers you with grunts and one word while he basically twiddles and fiddles at you as if you're a Fisher Price Activity Station

Urgh yes, this is a perfect way to describe it- its making my skin crawl now that I remember blokes like this

Oh gosh OP l feel your pain. My DH is a hugger especially at bed time,l am absolutely not and sometimes stay up late just to avoid upsetting him!! Lockdown has given me an excuse to stay up late cos l say l just need an hour by myself. Being menopausal doesn't help - someone else's body heat as well as my own?! Unbearable!! But l did always say l am not a hugger so he knows!! The no personal space and phone thing would piss me right off.

I've just read you're actually pregnant.

Was he like this before? Did you feel like this about his behaviour before?

Oh gosh OP l feel your pain. My DH is a hugger especially at bed time,l am absolutely not and sometimes stay up late just to avoid upsetting him!! Lockdown has given me an excuse to stay up late cos l say l just need an hour by myself. Being menopausal doesn't help - someone else's body heat as well as my own?! Unbearable!! But l did always say l am not a hugger so he knows!! The no personal space and phone thing would piss me right off.

Tell him to stop pawing you.
He’s like a dog marking his territory. And it is sexual op, whether you agree or not.
Makes my skin crawl reading about it so I can’t imagine how you feel.
You’ve got the ick.

It doesn’t sound like he’s aware she doesn’t like it most of the time
Also misguidedly keeps doing it even more when he feels some distance, which is a vicious cycle

Op doesn’t know what to say to him but he might take this really well. He might not. None of us know him. Also I think it’s far fetched to paint him as an outrageous letch and I said she sounds hysterical because she is talking about LTB having a termination and 50/50 parenting without even bringing this up with him at all. There is a lot of hype and horror on this thread, not actual practical sensible advice which is why I said slow down a bit, think about what you can say to him to really get your boundaries across to him.

Some people like it, some people hate it. I think we can conclude that all people are different have different needs different ways of expressing themselves. If he’s boring I don’t really know how to change that. I feel I would probably feel hysterical if I was pregnant and trapped with no money with a man I found suffocating and dull. There are probably stages to this which includes having an honest chat with him first, and stop making assumptions about what relationships are like, try to learn how to communicate. If none of that works and nothing changes then the LTB option might have to be explored

what I do know what you mean but no he isn’t like that.

It’s more accidental than deliberate. I don’t think for example he’d care if I was texting my friend. But because he’s so close all the time he would see any text I sent, not because he in himself is being controlling but because he’s just sort of there - I probably haven’t explained that very well. But this is where space is so important.

fizzy there is something in what you say. I don’t think he’s a stupid man but I have to admit our interests don’t align very well and I am probably more verbal - he is more practical.

Just the same I really don’t want to give up.

I’m (honestly!) a sensible, strong and independent person. I know I could go it alone, or terminate.

But I don’t want to. I don’t want to raise my child in financial difficulty. I don’t want the child to be spending part the week with Mum and part with Dad. I don’t want to have to struggle through decisions about schooling and so on with an estranged partner. Of course people do it but I would far rather not.

What I do want is to feel at peace at home. To curl up on a sofa and not be disturbed. I’m happy to have sex - it’s probably very anti feminist to say so but I don’t really mind going along with it even if I’m not really in the mood - but sex is one thing, it shouldn’t be permeating throughout the whole relationship in the way I feel it is at the moment, as it isn’t healthy.