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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

252 replies

Greystorminthesky · 28/06/2020 19:12

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple? Sad

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 28/06/2020 20:39

This is not normal at all! I don't know anyone who likes having a partner who can't read the signals from the other person and blindly ploughs on touching them up non stop all day.

I am a touchy feely person, but I wouldn't impose that need on another person if they didn't seem into it.

Equally, if you make a bit of a move and it's not happening, you back right off.

That, plus poor conversation would not be for me. If you have started to feel pawed and uncomfortable, this says it's not right for you either.

CallMeOnMyCell · 28/06/2020 20:39

You have options OP, if you don’t think he’s the one then separate. He can still be involved with your childz

CallMeOnMyCell · 28/06/2020 20:40

*child

Daisy12Maisie · 28/06/2020 20:40

I'm a shift worker so any sleep disturbance is an issue. So with my ex who I was with 15 months I made it clear from day 1 that sex/ a cuddle in bed was fine but when I needed to sleep I needed to sleep. He knew to leave me alone and only wake me up if it was a life or death situation. No cuddling. He found it hilarious but said one of the things he liked about me was clear boundaries.
The other stuff everyone is different. If it annoys you it annoys you and you need to tell him.

granadagirl · 28/06/2020 20:43

So are you not telling him to be not so touchy feely with you because you need him now?and scared he might leave
Pregnant , no job

If it, it isn’t going to work.
If it isn’t, then tell him.
No way could I stand someone wanting to sit next to me all the time, that’s without the touching
Then again in bed aghhhh
I’d have to say something

laidbacklife · 28/06/2020 20:44

That would drive me nuts. I would tell him in no uncertain terms to back off. If he doesn’t/can’t then, for me, the relationship is not going to work.

Original poster
Greystorminthesky · 28/06/2020 20:44

Exactly cell I can’t BEAR to have this baby and have someone else have it 50/59 and I know that’s selfish, of course it is but it is honestly how I feel.

OP posts:
puzzledpiece · 28/06/2020 20:47

You are just not suited as a couple. Some people don't and never will enjoy constant touching and caressing. I think it would drive me mad too. A time and a place, but not constantly. You can't ask him to change and you shouldn't be expected to. It's nothing to do with independence, it's personal preference

AreYouLocal2 · 28/06/2020 20:48

My exH was very tactile, he was always touching me, however I realised it was to compensate for his lack of empathy. I love touch, but the constant contact made me feel uncomfortable. I wish I had trusted my feelings.

Tappering · 28/06/2020 20:50

OP I don't know how far along you are, but in your shoes I would seriously consider a termination.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/06/2020 20:51

@Greystorminthesky

And it’s so true about the more he comes at me the less I actually want to touch him. I had absolutely no idea that relationships were this bloody hard work Sad
They aren't, except when they are wrong for you I know you don't want to hear it but this isn't working for you
JustC · 28/06/2020 20:51

OP, really you need to talk yo him. It will drive you bonkers and honsetly push you away from him. Just say : Maybe I should have said this eatlier on, but I am not as youchy feely as you, and it's starting to make me feel suffocated. Please try to tone it down, as it's eventually going to have the opposite effect of what you want (closeness) and will push me away. I'd like us to compromise about this, rather than let it fester into a bigger thing than it has to be.
There. Hope it helps. Non invasive hugs 😁

Original poster
Greystorminthesky · 28/06/2020 20:52

I really don’t want to terminate Sad is it really sounding that awful?

I was hoping it was the ‘novelty’ of having a woman around.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 28/06/2020 20:55

I had absolutely no idea that relationships were this bloody hard work

They shouldn't be.

^I did say something like I understand it’s frustrating but I’m not feeling it ... Something like that. He said it’s ok. But carried on with the stroking of my thigh.

I think it’s that more than anything I was uncomfortable with as it’s so clearly a precursor for sex.^

Ah ok, it is about sex a lot of the time then. You told him you weren't in the mood and he ignored that and carried on groping your thigh. That's not ok.

As a PP said- how far along are you? And do you want to keep the baby? Either way, you don't want to live with this creepy annoyingness for the rest of your life. I would have to find a way to split with him ASAP.

CallMeOnMyCell · 28/06/2020 20:57

You really need to talk to him. Your request isn’t unreasonable but his reaction may help you make your decision. If he respects you then he will stop.
If you separate and have the baby it’s not guaranteed he’ll want 50/50 access.
Is he genuinely a good person?

CallMeOnMyCell · 28/06/2020 20:59

If he isn’t a good person then don’t have the baby, you’ll be tied to him for 18+ years.

Original poster
Greystorminthesky · 28/06/2020 21:00

If I spilt I would seriously consider a termination as much as it breaks my heart to say so, but I really, really don’t want to.

I just think back to my own parents and my dad would sit in his armchair and my mum on the sofa - I’m not saying they had a perfect relationship but I just don’t know anybody else who is this physically close to their partner all the time.

And the conversation. We had lunch today and I can’t work out if I eat really slowly or he eats really quickly or both but I was saying something about things opening after lockdown and I got ‘hmm. How’s the fish?’ I mean I do understand people talk about food but ‘how’s the fish?’ What am I supposed to say? Fucking disgusting, that is why I’m eating it? It’s so difficult.

But on the other hand neither of us are doing much due to lockdown. And there’s nowhere to go except walks (man I hate being dragged out for walks like a dog on a lead ...) so maybe it is partly that.

He likes music and cars. He has friends so can’t be that difficult to talk to. But it’s so hard.

OP posts:
Tappering · 28/06/2020 21:00

There's a difference between being a novelty and being smothered. You know his behaviour isn't normal - it's why you feel so uncomfortable.

Can you pack a bag and go to family?

Northernsoul90 · 28/06/2020 21:01

OP please do not terminate your pregnancy, or give it any consideration, because of a post on here. I think your main options are

  1. Make the decision that you are not compatible and separate. Lots of women enter motherhood being single and although it is daunting it is definitely an option. I personally could not deal with that level of touching.
  1. Sit down and have an honest conversation about your feelings and boundaries -
It is the only way to make the touching stop and if he continues anyway then you really need to leave. I know it’s an awkward thing to discuss but at this point it is clearly causing you distress so it is necessary.

You may not want to hear this but it does sound like you aren’t very compatible from what you have said. I know that you are keen to try and make the relationship work. The only possible way to do this is through communication. X

crimsonlake · 28/06/2020 21:01

That was a drip feed...you are actually pregnant by this man?? You happened to leave out the important bit?
It does sound suffocating, but not sure what to advise in this case.

Frozenfrogs86 · 28/06/2020 21:03

He could be being awful...but from another perspective I’m very tactile, and wouldn’t see touching my DP’s thigh as a precursor to sex. So hard to know from what you’ve said if he was hoping to pressurise you into it (obviously wrong) or if he was just expressing affection knowing it wouldn’t lead to sex (which might be intended as loving). Have you read the love languages book?

Nancydrawn · 28/06/2020 21:06

OP, before you take sizable measures, you really have to talk to him.

You need to be able to say, "I love watching tv with you but I'd rather not cuddle."

You shouldn't think about splitting up, having a termination, moving out, etc without uttering that simple sentence.

It's very possible that he thinks this is something that you like. He may just like it himself and not be reading your silence as unhappiness but rather contentment.

My own husband hates cuddling while sleeping. We might watch something with my head on his arm, but when it comes to bed, it's separate sides. I know this because he told me, not because I figured it out on my own.

Clear, open, mature conversation is key to a healthy relationship and absolutely essential for parenting.

If you talk with him about it and he ignores you, then you can think about more serious steps.

(PS: Don't be surprised if he's a little defensive--but there's a world of difference between being defensive because you realize that someone's been suffering through your touch for months and being really genuinely shitty about it.)

Original poster
Greystorminthesky · 28/06/2020 21:06

I know you are right northern, it’s just hard when you even struggle to get something out of him at the best of times.

I don’t have any family to go to. I do have my own place - as I’ve said, I am a very independent person and I don’t like feeling answerable or overcrowded in this way.

Maybe it was a drip feed but I started off wanting to talk about one specific issue and the thread has evolved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greystorminthesky · 28/06/2020 21:07

You are right nancy and frozen and I need to bite the bullet and talk, I know.

I really don’t think he’s an awful person. But I do think he communicates through touch while I communicate using words and perhaps we are both frustrating one another.

OP posts:
Menora · 28/06/2020 21:09

People who said they were tactile were not all saying that this is fine, most people would expect to pick up on cues they were pissing their partner off, equally it is not a good sign of compatibility because I am quite sure that he can sense that you are being distant and not into it, so he is misguidedly trying harder and harder. You also can’t seem to communicate with him at all, and it’s not just his bad chat - you can’t talk to him about this either as you don’t know what to say. Ergo you are not compatible

Your posts come across as very frustrated which I understand but also a little hysterical, is this really a sudden realisation today that the partner you chose to have a child with is boring clingy and irritating?