Feeling smothered by partner - Please help

[Greystorminthesky]

My partner is basically a good man and I do have to stress here that there isn’t any coercion into sex.

However, I’m finding his general behaviour really suffocating. He constantly has to be touching me. Even just watching tv he has to sit right by me and have an arm around me, stroke my hair/neck, stroke my thigh. He’s the same in bed sleeping to the point where I am terrified to move as it starts him off again with grabbing and stroking and wanting to hold my hand. When we are out walking he always wants to hold hands and I know some people love this but I don’t - it’s restrictive and just feels a bit odd!

I do think a huge part of the problem is me. I was VERY independent before I met him and I haven’t actually lived with a man before. So I know some of it is just culture-shock. Just the same surely I should be able to send a text, browse here or FB or something without someone over my shoulder? Or is this just what it’s like when you’re in a couple?

It would drive me mad, just get rid of him. Although to be fair it doesn’t sound like you have assertively told him to pack it in.

I had a hand on my thigh stroking, stroking, rubbing, massaging CONSTANTLY, I had him suddenly and without any warning flinging his arms around me and burying his head into my breasts/ stomach

Going near your boobs/pouncing on them and constantly manhandling your thigh to that extent is definitely not ok. The hair etc is annoying and this is a different kind of annoying/creepy.

And I think the veg comment was sexual- I don't see how it can be otherwise.

Most people wouldn't be happy with a virtually complete lack of conversation, either. I don't think he's the one for you.

It doesn't seem like you're compatible

You aren't compatible- what are you doing with him?
FWIW I couldn't cope with that at all

You need to tell him.

I know you think it's being affectionate but being constantly touched is making me feel claustrophobic. And the more you insist on doing it, the less I want to be touched by you because I feel completely smothered. I don't want you to not touch me at all, but we need to find a happy medium for because I can't go on like this as it's making me so uncomfortable.

And see how he responds. If he's a decent bloke then he'll work with you. However if there's any passive aggressiveness or sulking then run for the bloody hills.

It really wasn’t ‘pervy’ dickheads, I do honestly understand why you might think that it was, but it’s simply that he has no real idea how to chat.

People repeatedly saying you’re not compatible isn’t the answer, at the moment. I say at the moment as several months down the line maybe I will also conclude this but I do have to at least try.

And I have tried to compromise. I can put up with the hand holding, the staring, the arms around me when our and about but at home I really desperately need some time to not think about hands moving up and down my thighs.

But this does worry me because it most probably is me.

I really don't think so. Most people would want to breathe, and even the keenest of PP's probably don't want a partner unexpectedly launching themselves at their boobs.

Some people might have 'grass is greener' syndrome and think they'd like it, but I think they'd find the novelty wears off.

And it’s so true about the more he comes at me the less I actually want to touch him. I had absolutely no idea that relationships were this bloody hard work

It’s really difficult to know exactly how to tell somebody this, though, without sounding rude and abrupt.

Ruder than putting his face between your breasts without warning?

Ruder than fondling you without consent?

Ruder than continuing to touch you when you are clearly uncomfortable?

Why are you putting up with this?

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work though. Why waste several more months hoping he won't touch you or not being able to chat?

It would drive me mad if DH was like this OP. I like my space, I don’t like to be cuddled when going to sleep. Like you said, you’re constantly being pawed at. To be honest you don’t sound very compatible.

What’s stopping you speaking to him about this.

Oh no, I couldn't cope with that, would drive me insane.

I did think about making a jokey comment today about us needing to get a cat as he clearly needed something to stroke but it seemed a bit PA.

I did say something like I understand it’s frustrating but I’m not feeling it ... Something like that. He said it’s ok. But carried on with the stroking of my thigh.

I think it’s that more than anything I was uncomfortable with as it’s so clearly a precursor for sex.

I had absolutely no idea that relationships were this bloody hard work

They aren’t. The right ones aren’t supposed to be.

Being disrespected like this is not fucking normal. Having to work to tolerate being touched in ways you don't want and haven't asked for is not fucking normal, and it is not what any normal person means when they talk about "working on" their relationship. Why are your standards so damn low?

several months down the line maybe I will also conclude this but I do have to at least try.

Why? Because you're afraid to be alone? Relationships are not supposed to be some kind of endurance exercise that you must complete at all costs.

Setting the bar at "well, he's not a rapist so I need to find a way to put up with treatment that distresses me" is all kinds of wrong.

Raise your standards.

Why do you have to try? How long have you been with him?

I did say something like I understand it’s frustrating but I’m not feeling it ... Something like that. He said it’s ok. But carried on with the stroking of my thigh

Does he always ignore your feelings? Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work. They only feel that way if you're with the wrong person. Following your update I'd dump him.

He has no respect for you. It is not a healthy relationship, and it is not possible to build one with someone who doesn't respect you.

You're just an object for his amusement and he doesn't care how it makes you feel.

But why don't you have enough respect for yourself to believe you have the right to say no and have it respected?

I would hate it to that extent.

How long have you been together?

user I’ve been alone my entire adult life really - as I said in my OP, I am really very independent. But this relationship has happened.

I’m feeling really tearful now so hope this all makes sense. We met (online, I know) and he seemed a decent sort and I do think he is, in a sense.

Being totally honest here I think it would have petered out, but I lost my job in the coronavirus lockdown. And a few weeks later discovered I was pregnant. And it felt like something positive to come out of the shitstorm that had been 2020 to that point.

But yes I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had some serious angst over it all. However it complicates matters considerably and I wish I knew what the best thing to do was.

And it isn’t exactly respect for myself, it’s being so new to this relationship business!

I don’t think he’s the right person for you, pregnant or not.

I don’t think anybody is the right person for me but I’d really like some help, if anybody can

Urgh fuck that! I would hate that, it’s nice to have a cuddle and hold hands but not all of the time. I assume you don’t live together so I would end it if he doesn’t listen when you tell him it’s too much.

Even if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Have you got any family you could go to?